Tw: Self hatred

He was horrible. Horrible for bothering the others, for taking a seat at the table when it was clear he wasn't needed, horrible for not being good enough.

He wasn't lying when he said he was easy to read, anyone could see it. See how desperate he was for attention, how close he was to breaking, it's not like he ever tried to hide it.

He needs someone to talk to him, scream at him, say anything he can focus on instead of his thoughts. Anything was better than his thoughts, doesn't matter how much the others hated him, they'd never be as bad.

He tries to at least be useful, giving DC something to focus on when he tries to turn the meetings around. Granted, they'd probably run smoother without him.

He was useful, right? Meetings wouldn't be the same without him. That's why he's there, he's supposed to be the breath the others get during a tense moment, he could do that.

He tries. He checks in on them when he can, he can't take all the attention, he shouldn't. They needed a break more than him, but he was selfish and took any break he could.

Even if it meant bothering DC to slow his anxiety, or teasing Cali in a meeting to think about something else. They knew he didn't mean to hurt them, right? He wanted to help, really, he did, he was just struggling.

He wasn't helping, he tries to pretend he is, ignore how tired DC looks, ignore how defeated Cali looks after meetings or how harsh New York is to him, he's pretending it's okay. It has to be.

What happens when he can't give something to focus on? When he can't be the distraction? What happens when they realize they don't need him?

When will they realize they don't need him? He didn't have anything to offer, he couldn't have a meaningful discussion at the table, or give Louie a break when the chaos got overwhelming. Why did they keep him around?

He doesn't get why he stays, he's sure they'd be better off without him. He cares about them, but he knows it's one-sided, why would they care about him? His father didn't even care about him, there's no way they did. They deserved better, he was a burden.