More pain

short chapter sorry

Tw: anxiety attack, self hatred

He's shaking when New York walks in, gaze fixed on the ground as he tugs on a loose string from his flannel. He doesn't look over when New York sits next to him, still more focused on his flannel.

"Are you okay with touch?" California nods and New York wraps an arm around him, pulling his beanie off to run a hand through his hair, "You're going to be okay-" California sobs suddenly, "you've been doing so well recently," California turns, resting his head on New York's shoulder, "I'm proud of you."

He shouldn't be, California wasn't doing well, he wasn't getting any better.

He felt sick, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that only got worse after meetings. They would get rid of him, he knows it, he can't see a reason they wouldn't. No one else seemed to like him and others would like the land.

"Do you want me to keep talking?" California nods hurriedly, wanting any kind of distraction from his thoughts.

"Okay," New York mumbles, taking California's hand and intertwining their fingers, "Y'know without companionship rats get lonely and depressed?"

"Hmm?" Not what he thought New York would go with but it helps.

"Rats are social animals, you can adopt one on it's own but you really shouldn't, you can get two rats and they'll both be happier." California smiles softly, "what else... Oh yeah, rats can get excited- that didn't make sense, rats make like- happy laughter sounds when they play." California nods slightly, shutting his eyes and waiting for New York to continue, "They're really curious and they have great memory- like-" he pauses, checking on California, who had fallen asleep, "oh," he smiles softly, pulling a blanket over them, "I'll tell you more about them later."