⌗ 42
third person ✎ᝰ
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author's note;

had to get off tiktok because my fyp is filled with newjeans unconsciously flirting with each other and now i feel 10x lonelier HAHAHAHA so here's an update!

~

The windshield wiper sways vigorously as it removes impediments to visibility as Mason drives through the perilous conditions. Her heart rate remains unsteady as she leans forward to better grasp her field of vision. She takes several shaky breaths as she takes a sharp left turn down Gentle Rain Drive. Mason snickers at epithet—it was contradictory of the real life weather conditions. "How uncanny." She uttered.

The automative head unit of her car signals an incoming call as she takes another left turn down another street. "I'm not answering." Mason muttered. She had lost count of all the calls she received in the last fifteen minutes. Mason hadn't been driving for long, but her sudden disappearance had led to severe worry from both her friends and family. Mason couldn't deal with the pressing matter at hand. For her peace of mind, she decided to block Riley. Indefinitely.

Mason had become quite bothered by the constant ringing—each call dragging out longer than the last. She decides to park her car on the side of the road for a brief moment to check the masses of calls and texts. She couldn't help but laugh at the concern of her loved ones.

It felt a lot more hurtful than it did before. A sinking realisation that most people had known, except her. Mason could feel her eyes start to sting once more as she took several deep breaths to try and fight the aching pain in her chest.

She sent several dry texts to her cousins Renz and Mika who had been blowing up her phone. Her mother seemed to have given up half way given that her last call and text was over twenty minutes ago. Mason's thumb hovered over Riley's contact. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see it. Mason rubbed her eyes dry and shook her head. "No, I'm not doing that." She swallows the emptiness that sits at the back of her throat as she presses the sleep/wake button simultaneously with the volume up. "There."

She successfully switches off her phone before taking her car out of park and driving off to no particular destination. All she wanted to do was getaway and breathe. This was meant to be a new chapter. Mason's brain had fogged up. There was confusion mixed with desperation and intrusiveness. Where did she go all wrong?

Mason thinks back to several weeks ago. She had been happily reviewing her top three preferences with Riley. All of them carefully thought out and put in place for her bright future. Riley may not have been the only reason, but the latter was definitely her biggest reason. Her choices were simple and as follows:

1. Acceptance rate
2. Is it my dream school?
3. Does it offer my course?
4. Riley

Four reasons and in no particular order. Riley had always been her utmost priority, even when it came to university applications and well...the university itself. Mason was quite happy to study alone, given the fact that Riley wouldn't be too far. But a whole new country is too much.

Mason couldn't comprehend it. She couldn't quite comprehend her own feelings either. Was she in the wrong? Are her feelings valid? Is it okay to be disappointed and upset for such reasons? She racked her brain with new questions and answers that didn't quite seem to ease her. It only amplified her problem.

Mason checks the time on her automative head unit. She'd been driving for almost an hour and a half. Mason takes a deep breath as she checks her gas tank—it deemed worthy enough to take her almost anywhere, and so she hoped.

The silence was just as abhorrent as her thoughts. It clouded her mind and ate at her like the plague. Her most favourable memories were no use in this situation. That elated feeling could not surpass the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. All it could bare to do was accumulate the oncoming nausea that brought upon discomfort—heaviness, tightness, and a feeling of indigestion that fails to come to an end.

She wasn't sure about a lot of things. She wasn't even quite sure if she'd be able to live without Riley. She used to. Once before. But that was different. They hadn't known each other yet. They ceased to exist in each others lives until that invisible string had brought them together. Mason couldn't bare to think of it. Nor could she imagine a life without her in it. To begin again.

A long distance relationship had not once crossed her mind. The possibility had now fallen into her lap without her prior knowledge. She swore that she'd seen this before—in a movie, perhaps?

She clicks her tongue and makes the timely decision of turning her radio on to break the silence. Her mind whirs as a familiar melody breaks through her car speakers. Hmm.

"This..." Mason rubs the side of her neck with her right had as she drives into an empty parking lot. "I've heard this before." She muttered to herself.

The girl took several moments to think to herself before the realisation had hit. To All the Boys I Loved Before. That's where the familiarity lies.

Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky. Mason couldn't help but chuckle nervously as she grasped this information. Always & Forever. Riley had suggested they watched this film. It was not long ago, and not long enough. Mason had awakened a recent occurrence that she seemed to have forgotten—or merely shoved behind everything else she deemed important in her brain.

Riley had the opportunity to pick a film for their movie night. It happened to be the night before they went over their preferences. How odd Riley thought to herself. She thought about it long and hard as she put her car in park and turned off her engine. Mason was once again met by the eery silence. She thought back to how enthusiastic Riley had been following her suggestion on the film. "I haven't seen it in quite a long time." Mason could vividly remember it. An image of Riley pressing play on the movie runs through her mind as she relives that exact moment.

"It mustn't be easy." Riley uttered. She motions to the laptop that sits on Mason's lap. They're cuddled up in her bed as they watch attentively. "I think they can do it though. Love is what matters. They love each other enough to do so."

Mason could feel the tears roll down her face. That's just a movie she thought to herself. Besides, we're not Lara Jean or Peter. And this isn't Stanford or New York University.  The tears were running endlessly down her face and onto her thighs. It seeped through the thin fabric of her clothes. The dampness had given her a slight ick that made her feel even more upset.

I wouldn't mind if she studied somewhere else Mason thought. It wouldn't matter too much if it were doable—if it was possible to travel to and from with ease. But this isn't the case for us. Lara Jean and Peter did it because they could. Stanford and NYU may have been in two different cities, but at least they're in the same country.

Had we been in that same exact situation as Lara Jean and Peter, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be this upset. It would only be long distance throughout the semester. We could visit each other on vacation. It could work. I wouldn't mind. I could get a job and save that money to travel to see her. I'd know she'd do the same. But that's the problem. This isn't Stanford or NYU. This isn't California and New York City. In fact, if Riley does move back and studies abroad—or well—is it even abroad if that's her real home? We would be 8,609km away from each other.

And that hurts like hell.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to feel this way. I don't know if I have the right to be upset, or mad or even disappointed. I just feel like I haven't been told the truth. And it hurts like hell. We're not meant to be keeping secrets. We promised that to each other. But how am I meant to feel when my girlfriend is set on leaving? If it were going to be like this... should we have met at all? Are we even meant to be?

I can't help but think of the worse case scenario. It would be better to lose her now than to lose her when she's 8,609km away. It'll hurt either way. I know that. But doing it sooner rather than later would lessen the hurt. I won't be too upset. I can't help but think things through. I can't even fathom that I'm even considering this. It all feels too much.

But I'm losing her. That's the cold hard truth. And it'll be soon, I'm sure of it. Soon enough she'll be packing her bags.

She'll be back home where she belongs. And I'll be here like I've always have been.

To be alone in this city without someone.