⌗ 48; riley marsh ✎ᝰ
[present day]

It's all fake. Everything she sees is entirely fake.  The last seven months have been a living hell. I haven't had one moment of peace since the day she left me on my knees—the most painful answer to my one all consuming question,

"Is it still us?" That question ran through my head like a hamster on a wheel. It circled my mind like a vinyl on record. It would haunt me in the middle of the night, leaving me sleepless.

I can still hear her footsteps. Each step closer to that door left me in shambles. It was anything you could possible imagine—a knife, a dagger, a stake to the heart. It cut deep into my soul,

and til this very day do I bleed endlessly.

I watch Andy slip on her baseball cap before heading out to grab us breakfast. I've felt sick all morning. What Andy and I have is just an act. My one condition to moving back home was that she'd stop pressing me about her unreciprocated feelings for me. Andy resented me for weeks, absolutely timely it was. I had lost the love of my life and my best friend all within the same week. Only one came back to me. Andy promised that she'd move on...and so it seems. And I sure hope so.

Regardless of how she feels, my heart still beats the same. It calls out her name like a song, a lullaby, a siren's song...

it'll always be Mason.

I refresh her Instagram for the thirteenth time since I woke. Her stories mostly contain three things: study cafés, her new dog Milo, and Mara. I refresh again. A new story.

I exit the story as fast as I found myself on it. There it is again—that sharp, all consuming pain that starts in my chest and spreads everywhere else. I sigh deeply before setting my phone down onto the coffee table.

Seven months and you'd think I've made progress. Seven months and I'm still here hoping that it's still me. Seven months later and I'm watching you slowly fall for her.

I feel a stinging sensation behind my eyes as they well with tears. I can't live without her. Every day is a living hell without Mason.

I think back on the past. I could have avoided this entirely. Had I told her the absolute truth. I couldn't give up such an opportunity to study abroad (although not entirely). I used to live here.I know what it has to offer.

It's home but not quite. My home is 8000km away in the arms of someone that isn't me. I think long and hard. I think of her happy and in love. I think of her and a future that I'm not in.

"I'm home." Andy's voice cuts through the apartment walls. "Babe, I've got breakfast." She enters the living room with coffee and a large styrofoam container. "Riley, you're pale."

She quickly sits the food down and joins me on the couch. "Riley, you're white as a wall..."

I shake my head as I feel my head spin countlessly. "I'm fine. Leave me alone."

I close my eyes shut. "I just want to sleep."

Andy sets me down slowly and ushers me to rest. "I'm calling the Doctor," She uttered. "Just rest. Don't you dare move." She insisted.

I fade into the background as Andy urges a home doctor to come to my aid. "I need a Doctor immediately. No, but she's pale. She looks like she could camouflage herself with the wall...this is not okay. I need a doctor ASAP."

I can't help but laugh. The only thing that could ever cure me from this sadness is the love of a girl I left 8000km away. I think deep and hard.

The what-ifs.

What if I followed her? Would thinks have worked in my favour? In our favour. I have regrets and I resent myself fully for what has happened to me. I have never been so stupid.

It's been seven months without you and yet you consume my every thought like the first time I ever laid my eyes on you. It's been seven months without you and I remember you with every poem, with every song, with every step I take, the movies, the books and your hoodie I still keep with me. The hoodie I wear as I lay to sleep. It's been seven months and I still love you all the same, Maisie.

I could never love someone else.

I promised to never break your heart, and I'm sorry that I failed you. It won't happen again. I'll make sure of it this time. If that invisible string still ties you to me—I'll come home to you. I don't know when or where or how long it'll take. As long as that tie never breaks,

I'm still forever yours.

I hope that deep down you still feel the very same. I hope that deep down you haven't forgotten me and the memories we created. I hope deep down that you won't ever sway,

even if right now it may seem like it.

I hope that even if you do, it'll still be me in the end. I belong with you. I'm sure of it. I feel the the exhaustion take over as I take one last breath. In this lifetime, I hope it's still us.