⌗ 15
Riley ✎ᝰ
_______________

I stare blankly at the diary in front of me. It's pages are filled with my most deepest and sincerest thoughts that I have yet to tell a soul.

The silk ribbon sits between the pages. It drives a bridge between my wish list and every little thought I had in those very moments.

We've ticked a lot of boxes in our first month together. I dream of us in the near future—a row of ticks down the page. We're almost there.

I never thought I'd find myself here. To be sitting in the same place I first started this list. It was once my list of unattainable things.

Unattainable, for the fact that I wanted to do them with you. The Riley in the past would think that this was all a dream. But it's never been more real. This is my life now. My reality.

1. to run with you in the pouring rain ✓⃝
2. to go on rides my favourite rides with you ✓⃝
3. to fall asleep on your lap  ✓⃝
4. to go through with a bold move ✓⃝
5. to go on a romantic beach trip ✓⃝
6. to experience a classic arcade date ✓⃝
7. to buy books and vinyls with you ✓⃝
8. to share my first kiss with you ✓⃝
9. to drink a milkshake with two straws ✓⃝
10. to give you my ring on our anniversary
11. to receive love letters from you
12. to receive flowers from you
13. to receive random texts/calls from you
14. to receive anything??????

I look long and hard at the five things that remain unchecked. Is it too much of me to ask you to show me you care? It's the little things after all that make up for so many things.

And even then, I'm unsure if you feel like I'm deserving of any of these things. Or if you just aren't bothered to show that you care.

Am I the only one putting in all the work in our relationship? Or am I just doing too much, and you too little? Am I the bad guy for feeling this way? I can't stress it enough. It's painful.

I look over at the next page.

Our first month together officially kicks off tomorrow. I hate being the one to say that it certainly doesn't feel like it's been a month.

I don't know where you've been a lot of the time. You disappear and I find myself digging a hole. What am I meant to do about that, Maisie?

Were all my wishes just as unattainable as I initially thought? I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I shouldn't be worrying about this the night before our first month celebrating each other.

I feel tears well in my eyes as you text me.

M: I won't be able to come over for tutoring tonight. I have some family stuff. It's just tutoring so it shouldn't matter too much. I'll text you when I'm free. I love you so much my Marshmallow.

It's just tutoring so it shouldn't matter much.

But it's me Maisie. It should matter.

Have you gotten tired of me already?

Have I pushed you away?

Or have we broken away?

I hold my hand over my heart. My tears run down my face and over my pages. The ink smudges. The page starts to break away and I watch as the picture of us start to fade.

R: You had a family thing yesterday. And the day before. And even the day before that. I feel like you're avoiding me on purpose. Like you're hiding something. I don't like it, Maisie. Just come clean. Whatever you did. Stop hurting me like this.

I don't expect you to reply. After all, that family thing has kept you preoccupied the whole week.

M: Riley, I have no reason to avoid you. I don't even know where all of this is coming from. It's nonsense. You told me that you have full trust in me. So what happened to that? It's not about the fact that I'm hiding anything, because it's not true. Do you have any idea how much I want to see you right now? I'm caught up in so much shit...I just need to be with my family and sort stuff out. But if it still feels like I'm lying then idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

R: Maisie...

M: What?

R: Are you going through something?

M: What???

R: Just be honest with me, please.

M: I'm being honest.

R: It doesn't seem like it

M: So you don't trust me??

R: I never said that.

M: I guess you're hurting me too.

R: Mason.

M: My real name, really?

R: You're not the Maisie I know

M: I'm still your Maisie

R: Maybe, but you're different.

M: Riley, why are we fighting.

R: Because.

M: Because???

R: You don't love me anymore.

M: Riley, where are you getting that idea from?? Are you serious right now??

R: So it's true then? You don't?

M: My god you're unbelievable.

M: I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you. From the day we met. You know it. You know this. So why act like this? I could never not love you.

R: Then come over.

M: Riley.

R: I'm not asking for much, M. I just need you. I want you. I love you...

M: You have me... you always have. Riley, you'll always have me, okay? I love you so much. I don't like how this night has gone. We've never fought before. This is so scary for me...and I think you feel the same way. I'm really sorry. I'll be there soon.

R: You're really coming over?

M: The love of my life just told me that she needs me. How could I not? I love you too much to leave you hanging. Just wait a litte longer. I'll be home soon.

R: I'm really sorry, Maisie :(

M: You don't need to be sorry. Please don't be sad... I'll be home soon. I promise. You'll see me real soon.

R: You promise???

M: With my life, Marshmallow.