People say I'm paranoid, but I'm not really paranoid, okay maybe I'm a little paranoid, but sometimes being paranoid can be good, like when you check your back seat before getting into the car and see Them there, waiting for you with their lipless jaw and clouded eyes.

I mean, that's never happened to me, I think, so I guess I can understand why people say I'm paranoid, but it's entirely possible, right? It could happen, to anyone, at any time, and the one time you forget to check, BOOM, you're done, it's over, goodbye, enjoy having your flesh slowly stripped off piece by piece by Their mangled backwards hands as They breathe rot into you.

It's worst in your house, though, as some of you may know, because even though you have locks on all the doors and a five-star security system and a safe room and a safe safe room you never really know if you're really safe, because They don't care about any of your security.

Which is why I always check the doors and windows and under the beds and in the closets – it's really important to check the closets, as I'm sure you all know – three times. No more, no less, just like the Holy Hand Grenade, except it's real and if you check only twice They won't leave and if you check four times They'll already be back there waiting for you. But three times, there's something special about the number three, They hate it; three is safe, three is happy, three is warm and cozy and safe and happy and safe, three is safe.

I feel a little better letting you all know about Them. My paranoia's definitely calmer now, maybe I can finally sleep. Just need to check the closet one more time and I'll be safe.

Wait. Did I check it two or three times?