note: au??

tw: mentions of blood, death, and suicide

1816 words

- linden

Blood is supposed to be warm. Warm, and inside one's body. So why was it sickeningly hot and dancing across the ground in rivers of red?

"It was never your fault." He whispered. You stared up into the dove gray clouds that hovered over your house. "Words, don't bring people back, Jungwon." You said softly. You traced shapes into the frost on your window, supporting your body with your other hand, which was planted on the windowsill.

You heard Jungwon moving, but didn't react. A swirl of cold air whispered against the skin of your arm, and you felt Jungwon's warm fingers closing around yours, halting the creation of a circle on the windowpane.

"Maybe they don't. But I've been around you long enough that I know what you're thinking."

"What am I thinking then?" Your voice was only just audible.

"I know you're thinking about the time you tried to climb out this window and jump from the roof last month." You felt his other arm wrap around your shoulders and pull you into him in a protective hold. Away from the window.

"You weren't there." You felt sadness well up in your throat, choking you and blocking your airways. Jungwon loosened his grip on you a little so he could lean down to put his head on your shoulder. You reached out to touch the window again, but Jungwon wouldn't let you. A cold draft rushed into the room, prickling your skin. "You weren't there." You murmured again.

You stared at your sister's body. You stared at the body. You stared at it as if it were an alien creature from another planet. The blood was hot and sticky on your hands, dripping slowly. The car hadn't even bothered to stop. But this really wasn't their fault was it? They might not have noticed. And after all, you were the one who had pushed her. You were the one who had pushed her. Of course, you hadn't meant to kill her. Your own sister. If anything, she would've just fallen and had to get up. It was harmless.

But then the car came soaring across the gravel of the side road you were walking on. You had pushed her, and she had fallen, laughing. You went to help her up, but the car was flying at you with speed like a rocket. She kicked you in the knee, and sent you stumbling back with a cry of pain. You closed your eyes when you felt tears, and lightning in your knee. But when you opened them, the life in her eyes was gone, and she was lying broken with red all around her. You hadn't even heard her screams over the rush in your head.

You couldn't even cry. Not from the physical pain of your broken knee, or from the emotional pain of what you had just witnessed. You crawled forward with dry sobs erupting from your body. You clawed at her, at her hair, at her clothes.

Blood is supposed to be warm. Warm, and inside one's body. So why was it sickeningly hot and dancing across the ground in rivers of red?

You lifted her to your chest. "Wake up, wake up." You croaked. "What happened?" You scanned her face for any life, but you were met by a pale, twisted mess. "This isn't you." Your throat was dry when you tried to follow. "This isn't you." You scrambled away from her, letting her head hit the ground with a crack, and stared. You could feel the gravel scratching at your legs like claws, and the fire that shot up and down your left leg from your knee. But at the same time, you felt numb.

You just stared and stared.

You were sitting on the ground with Jungwon now. "I know I wasn't there, but I know you're thinking of committing again. Don't even think about it. Because before you can kill yourself. I'll kill myself." He glared at you, but you just looked up at him with your eyes soft and filled with hurting. "It's only been six months, Jungwon." You whimpered. "It hurts." Your entire body felt melty with sadness, as he pulled you into his chest. You breathed in his calm scent of rain and ginger.

"I hate this. It was my fault. Please, please don't convince me otherwise." You mumbled. Jungwon sighed into your hair. "But what else is there for me to say when I know for a fact that it wasn't your fault?"

You didn't answer his question.

You sat staring at the body for at least half an hour. So much time, and never did any cars come at you. Just your luck. Your fingers trembled when you pulled your cold phone from your bag. Your mind was filled with fog, and you clicked on the first contact you saw. Your phone rang, but you heard it double. You immediately ended the call, and your sister's phone stopped ringing. You glanced at her lifeless body for only a moment, but found yourself shutting your eyes to get rid of the scene. You only opened your eyes when you were staring down at your phone again. You shakily clicked on the second contact. You had no idea who it was. You only realized when you heard his voice, "Y/n?" He giggled. "Why are you calling me during vacation? Do you miss me that much?" You could imagine his cute dimpled smile, but you just breathed softly into the phone. "Y/n?" Jungwon asked. The smile was gone from his voice. "Y/n, answer me."

"Jung--won." Your voice cracked.

"What? What happened?"

"I..don't know." You whispered.

"Y/n, you have to answer me. What happened?"

"Jungwon, why does it only take- take seconds for a human life-"

"Y/n, who's dead?" You could hear the sudden rush of panic in his voice.

"Unnie." You whispered.

Jungwon cursed and you heard his voice break. "Y/n, call your parents, right now. I'm hanging up, and I'm going to find everyone else. They were really close to you and Noona like I was."

"I'm sorry Jungwon."

He was silent for a moment. "Why?"

"Because It's my fault."

"I don't know what happened, y/n, but I swear to you that it isn't and never will be, your fault." And he hung up. You pulled the phone away from your ear and listened to the tone that rang out. It suddenly sounded sad, but too piercing in the softness of the June air. You hugged your body close, and found a short scream escaping from your lips at the pain. The pain, the pain, the pain.

The pain from your knee, and the pain from your heart.

Jungwon insisted on staying with you after concluding that it was too dangerous in terms of your mental stability to have you sleeping on your own. He even took the time to lock your windows before he climbed into bed next to you.

"I can unlock those." You said softly.

"But you're not going to." Jungwon said stubbornly. You nodded, but you knew you were only exerting lies.

Your parents arrived with the police in only twenty minutes after you called them. Your sister's body was cold now, and her eyes were even more lifeless, as if she was no more than a doll.

You sat next to your mother in the car as your aunt drove you to the hospital to treat your knee. Your dad was still at the scene, and you could hear your other aunt's voice over the phone. Your mother was crying, and you were silent.

The night was dark, the only luminescent thing being the soft glow of the street lights outside your window. Your eyes were open and you were staring in the direction of that window. You peeled the sheets off of your body, and felt Jungwon's arms tighten around your stomach when he felt the cold sting of the December air. You separated his fingers, and scooted away from him when he reached out for you. Jungwon's mouth twitched and you saw his dimple pop up. You leaned forward to give him a little kiss on the cheek. He smiled in his sleep, and you smiled sadly back.

Throwing your feet over the edge of the bed, you lowered yourself to the floor. Your feet hit the ground and you winced at both the sharp chill of the floor and the pain in your knee. You glanced at your knee braced, lying innocently on your bedside table.

You ignored it.

You limped to the window and fumbled with the lock to get it open, trying to be as quiet as possible. You heard Jungwon shift in his sleep and heard the blankets rustle. You ignored it and fumbled a little more seriously with the lock. Finally it clicked and you pushed open the window. You stifled a gasp at the chilly air. Shaking your head, you climbed onto the windowsill and slid onto the roof outside your window.

You heard footsteps, but ignored them. "Y/n?" Jungwon's voice was foggy, and you could barely hear him. You stepped out towards the edge of the roof and stared down at the dizzying height. You and your family were five stories up in the rentable house you lived in, and it was just perfect for your motives. Your bare feet touched the metal edge of the roof, your toes curling over the edge. You heard Jungwon's footsteps pick up and he scrambled out the window and down the slant of the roof, "Y/n!"

You looked back at him, your voice barely above a whisper, "Jungwon." You suddenly wanted to rethink everything.

Your foot slipped.

"Y/n!"

It felt like you were being overwhelmed in a sea of despair. That was it. That was how it felt to lose someone you loved, and never would be able to see them again. That's exactly how it felt like when you lost your sister. She had been the most important person in your life, and now the most important person in your life was Jungwon, but you had a feeling it would hurt far more if you ever lost him.

The air rushed around you, and you felt Jungwon's fingers grab at yours. He locked onto your hands firmly, and you both tried to catch yourselves, but it was too late. You pulled him over the edge, and for the first time, you cried.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." You sobbed. Jungwon pulled you close as the air dragged at you with claws of ice.

"Words don't bring people back." Jungwon said into your ear. You gripped onto his shirt tightly with tears spilling and freezing on your cheeks, "I know."

His gentle scent of ginger and rain swept over you only moments before you hit the ground, "But I'm happy that I'm dying with you."