tw: cursing on part of my narration (like once)

- linden

He was the kind of boy your mom warned you about when you were thirteen, and the kind of boy you crushed on when you were fifteen. The kind of boy you fell for when you were eighteen.

————

You'd known Park Jay all your life.

You were never friends, and you never intended that to change, but he was always there regardless. Part of this likely had to do with the fact that he was your older brother, Jake's, best friend, but it was almost like the universe had collectively decided to stuff all the beauty into one person and throw him in your path every time something important happened in your life.

You still remembered the day when you were both little and you'd finally built up enough courage to remove the training wheels from your bicycle. With no one to keep an eye on you, you started on your own. You rode the wobbly bike down the sidewalk, but only made it a couple of houses down. Your balance shifted and you came tumbling down onto the sidewalk in front of a familiar home.

You hit the ground hard.

The impact scraped your hands up until they were red and your knees until they were bleeding. For a moment, you sat quietly on the hot sidewalk with your legs still entangled with the bike. You made little fists with your hands and bit your bottom lip to stop the tears; an ache in your head was already starting from the ache in your limbs.

When you heard the running, you finally started to cry. A panicked Jake and a worried Jay raced down the incline of the hot driveway in their flimsy flip flops. As if he'd forgotten it was there, Jake was holding in his little hands an ice cream cone.

By the time Jake and Jay reached your wailing figure, the ice cream had flopped off the side of the cone and splashed onto the driveway in a melty vanilla mess. When Jay reached you with Jake following close behind, his first instinct and action was to grab you by the arms and pull you up.

Still with his hands on your arms, Jay had turned his head and was calling for his mom. When Jake dropped the cone and slipped his arms around yours and Jay's, Jay let go for your brother to draw you into a hug.

You buried your head into Jake's warmth and sniffled, staring with teary eyes over his shoulder. Behind your brother, you could see the broken waffle cone, split down the middle with dark cracks branching away from its center. There were still melty bits of vanilla ice cream frosted on its edges and little drops had trailed their way along Jake's path even from the spot where he'd dropped the scoop.

You felt your eyes tear up again. "I'm bleeeeeding!" You wailed.

"Shhhh, shh." You heard Jake softly copy the sounds your mother made to calm you. In that same moment, you felt Jay's hand pat your pack while he pouted. How you knew it was Jay and not Jake, you weren't sure.

"Eomma's getting bandaids." He promised. When you glanced over to look at him, he glanced down at your knees. He glanced back up at you. "See, it's not bleeding anymore."

You sniffed a little and tapped Jake so he would let you go. He took your hand and childishly swung it between you after he released you. You studied Jay from where you were safely standing next to your older brother.

"Have you ever fallen off your bike?" You sniffed.

The older boy smiled at you, his eyes flickering away for only a moment when the front door creaked open, announcing his mom's arrival. You kept your gaze trained on him.

Jay made eye contact with you. "No. I'm just lucky that way." He smiled. He glanced back when his mom came down the driveway in a hurry. "Bandaids are here."

————

When you were thirteen, your mom caught onto something. Something even you didn't realize, not for two years.

"Y/n." She approached you while you were alone in your room. You were hanging off the end of your bed and holding your phone in front of your face to read a random bl webtoon you'd found. When your mom approached you, she placed a hand on your back and pushed you up from your hanging situation so you were sitting on the edge of your bed. "Huh?" You glanced around until your gaze landed on her, simultaneously turning off your phone and setting it beside yourself without looking.

"What happened?" You frowned. The expression on your mom's face was unreadable even with her features lit up by the sunlight streaming through your window. Your mom sighed like she was preparing for an uncomfortable talk. You shifted awkwardly. "Whatt?"

"Look." She moistened her lips and frowned, reaching out to clasp your hands. "There's no easy way to say this." A sigh escaped her lips as if she were stalling. "Please don't fall for your brother's best friend."

"Jay." You instantly corrected in a mutter. You raised your gaze to meet hers. "But what are you talking about?"

"I know you're still very young, but if you fall for that boy-"

"Jay"

"Yeah, Jay. If you fall for Jay and something happens between the two of you, it'll affect the entire family."

"Even if it wasn't Jay-"

"Don't argue with me!" Your mom snapped. You rarely saw her like this. Her concern that something would go wrong, that you would mess something up; it ran deep. Your mom removed her hands from your grip and frowned deeply. "It would be selfish of you."

"I am not selfish. And what would be the problem with it if I did??" You retorted. The only feeling you could start to describe with words was confusion, the rest was a jumble like scribbles on a page.

Your mom stood up stiffly and made a sour expression. You stood up after her, not too sure what exactly you were readying yourself for.

"Y/n, darling-" She started.

"Y/n? Mum?"

Your gaze shot to the sound of the voice.

Jake peeked into the room with wide eyes. Behind him was Jay, frowning a little bit in confusion. "Jay and I want a snack." Jake said. Your gaze flickered to Jay, who was nodding in conformation. His gaze shifted between you and your usually gentle mom's standoffish positions. "What happened?" He asked kindly.

Jake pouted and tapped Jay's shoulder, leaning a little to whisper something in his ear. You frowned and shifted uncomfortably as the two muttered to one another. After a moment, you started to walk across your room and past the two boys.

The action ended as an attempt. There had once been a time when you were taller than both boys because there was only a one year age gap between you, but now with you being thirteen and them fourteen, both the boys were already reaching their growth spurts.

You jumped in alarm when Jake stepped in front of you. "What happened?" His gaze flickered up to your mom, who stood in the middle of your room. She shook her head in what might have been disappointment and pushed past the three of you while you stayed stuck a position that prohibited movement.

You watched your mom's retreating form before gently pushing Jake away by the shoulder. "Nothing happened." You bumped him with your arm as you passed and tried to free yourself from the fiery gazes of the two curious boys.

The faintest of gasps escaped you when Jay closed his fingers around the tips of yours. You looked back at him, his tilted head and his soft eyes. You felt a little fluttering in your stomach and felt your skin start to heat up from where his hand met yours like his body heat was mingling with yours. Your gaze shot to his hand on yours then up to his curious gaze then back.

You bit your bottom lip and furrowed your eyebrows, confused with yourself.

You shook off Jay's hand.

Silence.

You walked away.

————

It was when you were fifteen, nearly sixteen years of age, that you realized.

It was a crush. You had a real, long term as fuck crush on Park Jongseong.

How you didn't realize earlier was a mystery.

Laying on your bed in the middle of the night, he was the one on your mind. You were curled up in bed, staring up at the inky static of your dark room. There wasn't any sort of lighting in your room so there was no difference between having your eyes open versus closed. Which was the reason that, either way, you could see his reflection in your thoughts.

Whenever you couldn't sleep or when you were dealing with something difficult, you found yourself imagining up Park Jay and wishing that he could just give you a sweet hug. If it had been that easy to ask for a hug, then perhaps.

Sometimes, he would show up. You'd run into him at the library once before while hoping to get a good score on your test that you didn't understand the content for. He'd ended up helping you study and ended the session with a hug.

Jay had wrapped his soft arms around your body and leaned you into him, placing his face near the crown of your head. He held you for a moment, breathing softly. Even so, you could feel his gentle breath on your neck. When he let go, his excuse was that you looked like you needed a hug. You hadn't found the need to complain.

Other times, you'd run into him at home since Jay and Jake practically lived with each other at that point. One of these instances occurred at a time that you were imminently stressed by life. It was when Jake had disappeared into the bathroom and left music playing with you and Jay in the living room. You never would learn that the reason he started dancing with you that day was because he found a sense of calm in your presence.

All you knew was that you needed Park Jay in your life just as much as you needed your brother in your life. What you didn't know was that he felt exactly the same.

————

When you were eighteen, you accidentally wandered off from Jake and Jay at a trip to a very large, very fancy, very golden and very pillared library. Usually it would be Jake and his older brother instincts that would find you, but in this instance, it was Jay. Maybe he had been sent by Jake, you would never know.

Jay found you curled up on a bench between two shelves filled entirely by books about poisonous berries. You were frightened at having gotten lost in such a large place and the amount of relief that radiated from you when you caught sight of his familiar face caught him off guard. You sat up quickly from your spot on the bench and ran down the short empty corridor, wrapping your arms around him.

Jay took in a sharp surprised breath. "Are you okay?" He wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a short squeeze He lifted a hand and started to run his fingers through your hair.  You sighed a little and took a deep breath before pulling away, your cheeks flushed with heat. You opened your mouth to speak but no sound would escape your lips.

Jay looked beautiful.

Jay looked absolutely unreal.

In some moments, he was so beautiful and so warm that you could just walk up to him and hold his hand; you would know he was there.

In this moment, even with Jay tightly holding your hands, he looked ethereal.

The light in the library was soft and dark. His hair almost glowed and the faint traces of afternoon sunlight spilling in between the books followed the curve of his face. Not being able to stop yourself, your hand drew up and your fingers brushed Jay's cheek.

He raised his eyebrows at you in curiosity. "What?" He reached up and wrapped his fingers softly around your wrist, leaning his face into your touch.

You felt heat rush to your skin in embarrassment. "What?" You forced out. Not a reply, not an answer.

Jay laughed, a sound bright but soft to match the dim glow of the golden library and its curiously titled books. You watched as his lips grew up into that all-too-familiar smirk sort of grin. Slowly, his laugh faded.

"So." Jay breathed. "When will you ask me to kiss you?"

Your eyes widened and you gasped softly, your gaze flickering between his dark irises. "Jay.."

He furrowed his eyebrows a little. "Did I read you wrong?"

"No!" You barely caught yourself before lowering your voice. "No.." You tried to meet his gaze, but couldn't keep your eyes from flitting away. "Can you...kiss me please?" You asked softly.

You felt Jay brush a couple loose strands of hair from your face and tuck it behind your ear. He examined you closely and smiled a little again, a teasing but content sort of smile. "Do you want me to kiss you?"

You felt a fluttering amazing feeling swirl around in your stomach. All your thoughts of embarrassing yourself in front of Jay and all your self control to keep you from shaming yourself flew out the window.

"Yes, oh yes." Your voice came out in a tumble, all of your confused emotions spilling out.

"Close your eyes." Jay whispered.

You closed your eyes.

You felt Jay's warm breath near your jaw, then on your lips. He didn't kiss you yet. You had a feeling he was smiling. You felt him press two soft kisses to your eyelids, then a little one on the tip of your nose. You felt Jay's breath brush against your lips again.

"I don't know how to kiss." A sudden wave of panic clenched your stomach. In this old half empty library with Park Jay. Your first kiss. You didn't know how to kiss.

"That's okay." Jay said softly. You could almost feel his words on your lips. Was this brush of his lips on yours considered a kiss? "I can teach you how, if that's alright."

"That's alright,"

But his lips were already pressed to yours.

Jay leaned you back a little and one of his hands found their place at your waist. He guided you, and the kiss barely lasted a couple of seconds, but when he pulled away, you were left breathless.

Jay leaned his forehead against yours for a moment and let you breathe. All you could hear in the silence was the soft sound of his breaths mingled with yours and a gentle hum, a murmur of someone talking a couple of shelves away.

"Was that okay?" Jay asked softly. You could feel his breath brush the bridge of your nose.

"Yeah." You said in a whisper. It was all you could manage to say.

Jay shifted his hold on you and leaned away to glance over his shoulder. You followed the action and leaned around him. "Hm?" You looked up at Jay and couldn't help the quick breath you drew in.

Park Jongseong was absolutely perfect wasn't he? His soft words and his gentle hands and his little acts and his perfect jawline and his beautiful features.

Jay glanced at you. "I think Jake is coming." His lips drew up into a smile and he laughed softly. He raised a hand to run it through his dark hair.

"Thenn, you better let go." You pushed a little at Jay's hands but he smiled that bright closed mouth smile. "Never!" He proclaimed softly. He grabbed your hands and fixed them around his own waist. "Let's have forever together, shall we?"

A little giggle escaped your lips. Faintly, you heard Jake from somewhere, making a sound of recognition at your giggles. "That's quite the hefty promise to make, isn't it?" You asked.

Jay interlocked his fingers with yours. "We've already been with each other for eighteen years."

You hummed as if you were pondering. You acted like a couple before this anyway. It wouldn't make a difference would it? The same strong feeling of affection, except he got to call you his and you got to call him yours.

"Forever it is, then." You breathed.