note: "i overdosed, should've known your love was a game~ now i can't get you out of my brain~ ooh it's such a shame~."

tw: sad

1564 words

- linden

"Come to me whenever your feeling down."

"Promise you'll be there?"

"Promise."

————

Sometimes promises feel like jokes. Like gag gifts or rumors. They seem so real and true at the time and you fill yourself up with those promises only to later find that those promises were all fake and you're helplessly craving for an alien sense of security.

————

"How many significant others have you had before me?" Your voice was almost a whisper. Having just confessed to your crush and been accepted, your adrenaline levels hadn't come down from their spike and your heart was beating against your ribcage in a way that would've bruised it if not for a fact that it was a metaphor.

Your crush was Yang Jungwon. Sometimes he was quiet, sometimes he was loud. Sometimes he was cute, sometimes he was glaring or looking quite the opposite of cute. He had dimples and his eyes were big and round and deep. It was a wonder he could ever look scary, but at times, he did.

This wasn't one of those times. His cheeks were flushed and he wore a little smile that made his dimples appear. He looked a little concerned at your question. He glanced at the parking lot ground then at the school across the expanse of blacktop then hesitantly back at you. "Six."

"Why...why did you break up with them?" You asked nervously. He looked up and studied the cloud swirled sky for a moment before looking back at you with a small fluffy frown.

"One girl broke up with me because she was moving. I broke up with the others because..." He shrugged sadly. "I fell out of love."

How were you to know whether or not that would happen to you too?

Jungwon continued, "I think it was obvious. My relationships with those I broke up with were never the strongest. All of them I've never truly kissed."

"Then..what about me?"

Jungwon studied your face with his eyes soft; melty, almost. "Maybe.." He murmured. You started to take a step forward but faltered. "Maybe what?" You asked. He shook his head. "I'm not sure. Do you want to try it with me?"

Did you? Did you want to try it with him? Were you willing to risk a broken heart for Yang Jungwon?

You nodded. "I do. I do wanna try."

Jungwon smiled.

————

Your one month anniversary came, then two, three, four, five, six, seven..all the way to one year. You hadn't ever thought you could go this far. You wondered what your past self would think of this.

Your past self would be in awe, you thought. Your past self would be amazed and hopeful and doubt the fact that anything could ever go wrong. After all, Jungwon had kissed you, unlike so many others.

The day he kissed you, you became sure that he was in love with you and this wonderful feeling would never end. You only became surer that you were in love with him.

You had been sad and mopey all day for no apparent reason. It might of been the stress school had been weighing on you lately, or maybe it was the grayness of the sky outside and the dark rain dashing at the ground.

You were alone at home because your parents had gone away and Jungwon decided on a visit since you weren't responding to his texts.

You responded to the ring of the doorbell by dragging yourself up from the couch and opening the door without even checking the peephole. Your eyes brightened to be met with Jungwon's dimple-y smile as he shook out his umbrella.

"Hi." You welcomed him into the house and directed him to put his umbrella to the side. He did as told and trailed after you into the warm but empty house. "You're probably freezing! And wet, too! What are you doing here, Won?" You asked as you forced him to sit on the couch.

He crossed his legs and gave you a look. "You weren't responding to my texts. Isn't a boyfriend allowed to get worried?" He directed his gaze at you as you collapsed onto the couch next to him and laid your head in his shoulder.

You studied Jungwon's features, ranging from his boba eyes to his dimples to his broad shoulders. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and nudged you with his shoulder, his eyebrows furrowed. "Well?" He pouted. "You look down."

You frowned and crossed your legs as well. "I am. Not sure why." You chewed on your bottom lip. Jungwon wrapped an arm around your body and cuddled you close. "Don't ignore me next time, then." He whined.

"What?" You asked as you ran your fingers through his dark hair. Jungwon turned his head and looked up at you, twisting in your hold until he was the one holding you. "Come to me whenever your feeling down."

You blinked in a realization and silently let his words sink into you like rain into moss. You met Jungwon's gaze as small seeds of doubt overturned in your heart. They'd been there since day one, and every once in a while those seeds got watered.

How could you depend on someone when you weren't completely sure they would be there for you to depend on? How could you love someone when you weren't completely sure they would always be there for you to love?

"Promise you'll be there?" You whispered.

Jungwon searched your eyes and leaned forward ever so slightly, hesitantly. Gently, he placed a small kiss on your lips.

He pulled away so there were once again centimeters between the two of you and his breath feathered over your lips. He smiled. "Promise."

————

Promises broken were the most terrible kind of promises.

Worse even than promises to never see someone again or promises that held a terrible sense of dread. This was because broken promises also brought dread. Broken promises brought dread after safety in a way that shattered a person. Shattered a person like the entire world was laughing at them because they believed that promise.

————

You smiled to see Jungwon at school after the long length of his vacation away from home. You grinned and wrapped him up in a big hug with you both having come early and earning lots of time before class started.

You were so happy, but his eyebrows were furrowed in thought. In sadness and desperation.

"What's wrong, Won?" You inquiring as you intertwined his fingers with yours.

Jungwon hummed. He didn't want to break it to you. Not when you were so overjoyed and it was the beginning of a bright new day. He had to do it, though. He couldn't hold it back and pretend and lead you on.

"I'm not sure, but I think I've fallen out of love again." Jungwon started hesitantly. "I thought you were my someone. I loved you so much, but I'm back to square one."

"What?" You asked. You stopped short, taken off guard by the sudden confession.

You felt stuck in your own tiny time capsule with Yang Jungwon and Yang Jungwon only. The distant chatter of other early students in hallways rather than the courtyard didn't feel real.

"What do you mean?" You whispered. "What about your promise to me? How can you be back at square one? How.." Your lips stopped working as you studied Jungwon's eyes. They were glassy, shiny. He was trying not to cry. You were also trying not to cry. "Oh, no, no." You murmured as you wrapped your arms around Jungwon's body. "No, please. Tell me this is a lie."

Jungwon touched your hair carefully like you would shatter if he just breathed wrong. "I'm so sorry."

Your tears left wet dots on Jungwon's uniform and you were clutching his blazer tightly like you would break if you let go. Gently, Jungwon removed your arms from his body.

You looked up at him with your eyes pleading and suddenly fractured. "Please. Please tell me it's a lie. If it's not...please just lie to me. I don't care about your promises. It's selfish, but I need you here. I want you to need me too."

Jungwon placed a kiss to your temple. "You survived at square one, too. I'm sorry that promises can be broken."

Your eyes flickered down to your feet with your eyebrows furrowed and your cheeks and eyes wet with tears. "I'm sorry too." You whispered.

Quietly, you watched as Jungwon retreated into the school. His shoulders shook as he finally let himself cry. Your heart ached. What was all of this for? Playing around with each other, saying you loved each other but leaving each other and hurting in the end anyway?

What was the point?

You stared blankly at the clear sky that reached up in a broad expanse above your head. Your lips felt chapped and your eyes burned.

You knew this would happen from the start. Both of you did, but both of you hoped. Both of you made promises you subconsciously knew wouldn't get kept. Now you were hurting with nothing to do about it.

Even so, you wouldn't do anything differently. Even so, you loved the memories you had with him. Even so, you loved Yang Jungwon.

Even so, you were back at square one.