wednesday, august 24th, 2016

"fuck, that hurts." i whine, screwing my eyes shut as jahseh continues to push himself in.

"we can stop anytime, yanno." he says with a raised eyebrow, and i wave him off, shaking my head. "keep going. i didn't raise a bitch."

jahseh laughs lowly and follows my instructions, pushing himself in a little further. i can't help but to clutch the sheets tightly, loathing this stabbing feeling in my lower abdomen, wondering what the hell is so great about sex if this is what you have to go through to get to the good stuff.

"we're almost done." he mumbles. i feel him put his fists into the bed, pushing himself the rest of the way in.

"you ready?" he asks. i feel his eyes on me so i open mine, meeting his. "yeah, go ahead."

as jahseh slowly slides himself in and out, the stabbing pain increases and tears form in my eyes.

"this is bullshit, jahseh." i mumble.

"we can stop anytime you want." he wipes my tears away, still continuing his actions.

it's hard to fight back the flashbacks of finneas as they threaten to resurface and spoil this whole experience.

"stop thinking." jahseh mumbles, leaning down, the space between our lips basically nonexistent. "just let it happen. stop thinking about it."

"i'm trying." i whisper.

this time jahseh actually puts his lips on mine, engaging in a slow kiss with me, i'm assuming to get my mind away from finneas, and away from the intense pain that i'm feeling.

it takes a few more minutes of pain before the pain finally dies down. a teeny tiny bit of pleasure can be felt amidst the pain, and this little light in my tunnel gives me enough courage to keep going with this.

"let me know when it stops hurting." he says softly, leaving kisses on my neck and spreading my legs apart with his arms, the feeling of something moving inside of me still an entirely new sensation. the pleasure becomes a little more prominent, and an involuntary smile curls up on my face as i let myself indulge in what jahseh's doing to me.

a moan escapes my lips and the mere sound makes my heart beat even faster. i didn't even know i was going to make that sound-

"do that again." jahseh's raspy voice whispers in my ear, creating an intense tingle in my private area. then i feel his soft, warm tongue on the tender skin of my neck, and that soft feeling is instantly torn away from me when i feel his teeth sink into my skin. for some reason this pain is euphoria, and i let out a quiet moan, not being able to take this much pleasure at once.

his teeth are out of my skin and now it's just his lips, sucking on that same spot, while he's moving in and out of me at a steady pace. i let out a shaky breath, letting my head rest on the pillow as my toes curl, the feeling of jahseh taking up my entire being.

"jah-"

"billie."

my eyes shoot open and my eyebrows furrow, confused.

"what?" i ask.

"i've been trying to wake you up, you good? you keep moaning and shit." he says, looking down at me, his body sat up straight in the bed.

"what-" pain inbetween my legs hits me full force, and i finally understand the significance of whatever dream i was having.

"what, were you thinking about yesterday or something?" he says, his words curious, but a cocky laugh escapes his lips as he tilts his head. "you can't be that hooked already."

"shut the fuck up." i mumble, slowly sitting up in bed and moving my hair out of my face. i sigh slowly, trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to stand up properly, if i'm even going to be able to stand up properly.

"fuck me." i mumble, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. my legs tremble slightly as i press my feet against the carpeted floor, preparing myself to put my weight on my feet and stand up.

i start to get up but my legs say "no", so i sit my ass back down on the bed, groaning and rolling my eyes.

i hear jahseh laughing behind me, and i whip my head around, pointing my finger at him."you did this to me. you have no room to laugh."

"i have all the room to laugh, it's hilarious." he gets up from the bed, walking around to my side and offering me his hand. i take it and he pulls me up, but my legs instantly give out. thankfully, jahseh is quicker than i am, catching me and holding me back up in a standing position.

"yeah, you're definitely not gonna do much moving around today." he concludes, helping me walk to the bathroom, and standing behind me as i wash my face and brush my teeth, to ensure that i don't fall again.

"how long have you been up?" i ask, trying to fluff out my hair in an attempt to give it some kind of life.

"an hour or two." he shrugs. "this is our last day in texas, billie, we gotta get prepared to go."

"i know, i know, don't remind me." i mumble. "what about ski? i'll be sad to leave him here all by himself."

"he'll be okay, he's tough. i will miss him though."

"we should hang out with him today before we go." i propose. "that was already the plan, sweetheart." jahseh says removing his hands from my waist, the hands that were preventing me from falling. "see, you can stand upright all by yourself now. i'm so proud of you."

"stop talking to me like im a toddler that just took her first steps." i slap his chest. "shit, you might as well be one." he shrugs. i quickly turn to him and point my finger in his face, smiling playfully. "stop before i pop you in your mouth."

jahseh's eyebrows raise in amusement and his lips girl up into a sly grin, his pearly whites still showing. "pop me, billie. see what happens."

i only raise my hand an inch when jahseh grabs my wrist, picking me up and setting me down on the bathroom counter, wasting no time locking lips with me and pressing our bodies together. honestly i'm not surprised by his actions, i just didn't expect him to be so eager.

"you're irresistible, billie." jahseh mumbles against my lips as he pulls away from them. "so irresistible."

"i'm glad you think so, because i feel the same way about you." i whisper, giving him a quick peck and wrapping my arms loosely around his neck. his hands go on the outer sides of my thigh and his eyes fall on me, searching my face, my hair, and anything else they can look at.

"you're captivating. every time i look at you i discover something new."

"why are you being so lovey dovey, jahseh?" i ask, kind of already knowing the answer. we had sex yesterday, in case you hadn't pieced it together, and it obviously put him in a very good mood.

"because i love you. i'm not allowed to be lovey dovey to my girlfriend?" he asks with a raised eyebrow, leaning in just a little. "i feel like you're buttering me up." i tease.

"maybe."

"god, jahseh." i laugh, pushing him away slightly. "you're always so horny."

"why, am i not supposed to be? i'm a teenager, i have hormones swirling around everywhere. and so do you. with hormones come urges."

"and with urges come self control." i point at him with a smirk. "fuck self control. how could i control myself when you always look so goddamn good?"

did y'all catch that- okay

"hush, boy." i roll my eyes, leaning in and giving jahseh a quick kiss before hopping off the counter. "come on, let's go hang out with that nicotine addict before we haul ass outta texas."

"i like the sound of that."

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"that shit is good!"

"suck my dick, ain't no way beef is actually good." i say, covering my stomach with my hand and already getting nauseous from the idea of eating a burger.

"bruh, ain't no way you just sit here and eat plant shit all day. ain't no way." ski maintains his love for meat. "y'all can eat that shit, it ain't none if my business, but just know i'm not taking no part in it."

"she gotta stop hanging with us, she starting to talk black."

i tilt my head at jahseh's head. "how you talk black?"

jahseh snaps his finger at me. "right there. see when i first met you, you'd say, 'how do you even talk black?' but just now, you said, 'how you talk black?' your speech is altering, it's noticeable." he smiles. i cringe, raising my eyebrows. "is that a bad thing?"

"no, not really. i mean, depends. some people will call you out and see a problem with it, some won't." he responds.

"besides," ski chimes in, "you in the south now, it's only natural that you gradually start to talk like us."

"what do y'all consider the south? like, as two people from the south." i ask.

"we dont claim anything to the west of texas." jahseh is the first to speak. "texas, louisiana, alabama, georgia, tennessee, mississippi, north and south carolina. those are the definites. we don't claim shit else."

"jah and i are both from florida, but i don't know if i'd consider that the south." ski puts his two cents in. "it's kinda hard to consider florida the south when its becoming more and more industrialized, you know? florida is literally california, just in the south."

"yeah. florida is iffy." ski agrees with jahseh.

"so obviously, california is west coast." i point out, "i hope i don't give off california vibes." i cringe at the thought of coming off as this bubbly bitch that likes to suntan at the beach all day and bleach my hair religiously. well i do bleach my hair but that's not the point.

"nah, you don't. when i first met you, you gave off scared white girl. like you know how in horror movies where they got that traumatized look? like they always just be getting into dumb shit? billie had that look when i first met her. i knew you was scared of me too."

"of course i was scared, i was running away from fucking home." i roll my eyes with a smile. "wait- i really have a traumatized white girl face?"

ski and jahseh both nod their heads with somber looks on their faces, almost as if they feel sorry for me. i suck my teeth but fail to hold in my laughter. they quickly break as well and join me.

"when i first saw billie, my first thought was, what the hell is she doing with this nigga? like y'all just looked like such an odd couple. jah was looking 'bout stern and mean as fuck, and billie looked scared and confused. shit was hilarious, honestly."

"not to mention jah had a big ass gash on his back that was bleeding through his shirt." i point out. "yeah, that too. that shit definitely threw me off."

"i'm gonna miss you, ski." i blurt out, finally addressing the elephant in the room. ski's face drops a little, but he picks it back up. it's not a fake smile, it's a genuine one. a sad smile though.

"stokeley. my name's stokeley." he says, and i nod my head, glad that he's finally told me his real first name after four days of knowing him.

"i'll miss you, stokeley pokeley." i tease. stokeley scrunches his eyebrows, "sounds gay, don't call me that."

"i call you what i want." i raise an eyebrow. "you heard her, vro." jahseh shrugs. "besides, we do gotta get going. the train is set to leave soon."

stokeley looks sad, but he nods his head, getting off the ground and standing to his feet, jahseh and i doing the same. jahseh checked out of our hotel room earlier and took our belongings with us when we met up with stokeley. its around five in the afternoon now, and the train is set to leave in thirty minutes.

the three of us make the silent trek to the train tracks. i was kinda limping the whole way because-

jah and skin wouldn't stop making jokes about it.

once we reach our train, the one that takes us straight to georgia through louisiana - change of plans, we had to get on a different train that what we originally planned - jahseh slides open the door to the train car, tossing his backpack in there. he then kindly takes my backpack and tosses it in there as well. the two of us turn to stokeley, who has a bit of a sad look on his face.

he stands there for a bit before pulling us both into a hug.

"i'm gonna miss you niggers." he says, his voice cracking just the tiniest bit. "i'm so glad i met y'all, and it was crazy as fuck knowing y'all for the past four days."

"same to you, vro." jahseh says when we all pull away. when jahseh locks eyes with stokeley, that feeling comes back again, the feeling that they were made for each other, that they'd always come back to each other. their friendship feels so strengthened, stronger than the thickest rope or the thickest blood.

it's gonna be them against the world forever.

stokeley turns his attention back to me, pulling me into another hug. "be safe, billie." he says, and the serious way that he says my name kinda makes me miss the way he calls me "bunny".

"it's kinda bittersweet, 'cause i know you gotta run from your folks and all that, and you'll be safe and shit, but i hate that you gotta go. both of y'all. be safe, man. shoot me a call and a text. y'all got my number."

"you don't even gotta worry about it." jahseh assures him. talking in the distance gets our attention, and we know that's our cue.

"train's gonna leave in a couple minutes, stokes." jahseh reminds us and stokeley nods, accepting it. "i'mma miss y'all."

"we'll miss you too, stokey poke. be safe, bro." i give him a smile, one last hug, and then hop onto the train car, sitting on the floor criss cross apple sauce, watching as jahseh and stokeley stare at each other, their stares saying more than words ever could.

"stay alive, nigga." is all stokeley says. the smile on his face is contagious and i smile too. so does jahseh, "stay alive." jahseh says the same to him. the two of them do some crazy ass handshake and then hug, staying there for a second before pulling away. jahseh nods at him before hopping onto the train car with me. he sits criss cross next to me until the train's horn blows, and the train slowly begins to move.

"bye, stokeley pokeley!" i yell, my voice amplified by my hands around my mouth.

"bye, bunny!" he yells back with the same enthusiasm, waving his hand - more like his arm - around frantically with a goofy smile on his face.

"stay safe, ski! drop the cigs, vro!" jahseh yells.

"no promises!" ski yells back.

jahseh and i shout, yell and wave until stokeley is not longer in sight, then it's just the two of us, on the train car. jahseh gets up and slides the door shut, sighing as he sits back down next to me.

"i'mma miss that crazy ass nigga."

"me too." i say sullenly. "i kinda feel bad for leaving him."

"it's okay. we'll see him again."

-

written on friday, april 2nd, 2021 & sunday, april 4th, 2021

published on sunday, april 4th, 2021

-

HAPPY EASTER! 🐰🐣🐇

anyways, here's another update!

i want to make you all aware that i will be starting another billie x jah fanfic when this book is over, and it'll be based on "st. mary's" by  lilbilpeep .

will any of y'all be interested in reading it?

if not, too bad, it's still coming out. i'm so excited for it!

the title is "st. george island". billie and jahseh will be attending st. george island's reform school for troubled youth.

okay, i spilled too much already.

you can follow me on twitter @billiesbbmomma for updates on my books!

i love you all and thank you so much for reading!

-symone