my eyelids flutter open, and i sigh softly to myself, dreading another day of this. the only thing i'm looking forward to is the motel we're gonna sleep in tonight.

i slowly remove myself from jahseh's hold, surprised that he doesn't wake up and snatch me back up in his arms again.

i get up and quietly walk over to my duffle bag, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as a bottle of water. i slide open the car door, and sit criss cross near the edge. i proceed with brushing my teeth, spitting some of the toothpaste out, and going back in a second time.

i pour some of the water from the waterbottle in my mouth and swish it around, then spitting it around. i pick the waterbottle up and screw the top on, but a sudden bump on the train throws me off guard. i lose my balance and my body tilts heavily towards the edge-

but a tight grip on my shirt pulls me back from the edge, and the racing in my heart is enough to drive me insane, and the thought of my just-now near death experience made my life flash before my eyes. i turn my head to see jahseh, standing at his full height, staring at me with an expression that's a mix of annoyed and worried.

"next time you're going to do something like that, let me know so that i can hold you, because your dumbass almost fell outta the train." he says, his face now fully filled with worry and frustration, as he rolls his eyes. "sorry." i mumble.

"i don't want your apology." he says, walking over to his back and grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste.

"now hold me."

once jahseh's done brushing his teeth, i pull a pair of sweats on and take off my hoodie, pulling on a t-shirt. it's hot as fuck today.

i dig around in my duffle bag and pull out a huge bag of takis, opening the bottle and moaning at the smell. jahseh cuts his eyes to me, shaking his head lightly. "don't do that." he says. i choke on my spit, realizing he's talking about me moaning just now. "sorry."

"stop apologizing." he groans in frustration. i disregard his statement and pull three takis out of the bag, putting them in my mouth.

"do you usually stuff your mouth like that?" jahseh asks boredly. "do you usually run your mouth like that?" i fire back. "i'll stuff something else in your mouth, keep playing." he mumbles. i laugh and quirk and eyebrow. "what was that?"

"you heard what i said." he replies sharply. "mhm." i respond, nodding my head and continuing to stuff more takis in my mouth, and i've barely even chewed up the first three yet.

after a few more takis, i roll the bag back up and stick it in my duffle bag, then lay down on the floor with my legs folded. jahseh does the same thing, his body a bit close to mine.

i absentmindedly begin to hum the tune to "not today" by alessia cara, not even thinking about the lyrics in my head, but just humming the melody.

"oh you don't know, what the sadness means," jahseh sings out loud, surprising me, as he's in tune with my humming, and the fact that he knows the words catches me off guard.

"'till you're too sad to fall asleep," he continues, not missing a beat.

"one day i'll be snoozing peacefully," i join in singing with jahseh, and the harmony of our voices is probably one of the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.

"but surely not today, surely not today." we finish together, letting our voices die out with the last note. "you have a great voice." jahseh says. "so do you." i reciprocate the compliment. i turn my head to look at him, quirking an eyebrow. "you? an alessia cara fan?"

jahseh scoffs playfully, laughing a bit after. "well, not really. i just heard the song, and i thought the vocals were nice. lyrics are relatable too, that's all." he says. "you should sing more often."

"it's just a pasttime." i shrug, turning onto my side and looking at jahseh. his eyes meet mine, and it's almost as if both of us are stuck in a trance, that we placed on each other with our eyes.

"you're beautiful." he says.

jahseh's words take me back, and my eyes widen at his statement, my eyebrow clearly tic-ing out of nervousness. i'm not really sure how to respond to that.

"it didn't take me long to realize it either." he replies to my silence.

"t-thank you." i stutter. jahseh smiles, "pleasure is all mine." he responds, and his eyes close slightly as his grin grows wider. "what, you don't think i'm beautiful?" he asks, pretending to be hurt. i laugh, shaking myself out of my stunned state. "don't get too ahead of yourself there, tiger." i pat his shoulder. jahseh sits up and comes in between my legs, hovering over me.

it all happens so fast that i don't even have time to register it.

"what are you doing?" i whisper breathlessly.

he just stares at me, with a blank face.

"is this okay?" he asks, the dominance in his aura fading lightly as he asks for my consent. "is what okay?" i ask.

"that i'm hovering over you like this."

"i guess." i say quietly. jahseh leans down lower, close enough that his dreads are dangling over me, and our faces are mere inches apart.

"can i continue?" he asks.

"yeah." my whisper is barely audible.

jahseh leans down more, and our lips come together. the feeling of those cloud-like lips on mine throws me into a state of ecstasy, something i've never been able to experience, as all of my intimate experiences have been forced.

our lips hug and cuddle each other, slowly, as if we're stuck in this time frame and can't go anywhere else.

after a bit, jahseh pulls away. "was that okay?"

"yeah." i nod, smiling. jahseh licks his lips. "you have no idea how long i've been waiting to do that."

"i can probably guess. i mean, i look too good not to kiss." i say in a playfully cocky tone. "shut up, don't act like i didn't notice you biting your lip."

i bit my lip? jesus christ.

i feel my face redden and i turn my head, looking away. jahseh laughs at me reaction, coming from in between my legs and sits criss cross next to me.

"what do you say to someone? after you do something like that?" i ask, staring at the ceiling of the car. "do what?" jahseh asks. "kiss?"

"yeah." i nod. jahseh shrugs, "i'm not too sure. usually it leads to something more, so that there's no need for you to say anything. but i don't want to go that far with you yet. not until you tell me it's okay." he says the last few words quietly. "that was my first kiss." i say. jahseh raises an eyebrow. "you were a pretty good kisser for someone that claims that was their first kiss."

i crack up a little and roll my eyes. "my first real kiss."

"ah." jahseh nods his head. he lays down besides me and pulls me close to him. "did you do that just to do it, or did you do it because you like me?" i ask lowly.

"i'm still figuring myself out." jahseh says without hesitation. "but i'd like to think that it's because i like you."

"i'd like to think that that's the reason too." i say back.

"i have no reason to lie." he mumbles. "but i think we... we work together. do you?" he asks, and this is the first time i've heard him nervous.

"yeah, i think so too. but don't get too ahead of yourself lover boy." i pat his head. jahseh lifts his head, looking up at me with a cheeky grin. "shut up, i just had you weak a second ago."

i blush and look away, and jahseh sits up fully. "i'm right and you know it."

"watch your mouth." i smirk, sitting up as well. "what movie should we watch when we get to the motel?" i ask him, playing with my hair. he shrugs. "it doesn't matter, i won't be paying attention to it anyway." it takes me a second to catch on to what he's saying, but once i do i suck my teeth and roll my eyes to distract him from my reddened face.

"come on, be serious." i say. "i am being serious. besides, you can't expect have motels to have any more than ten channels."

"yeah, pretty limited selection." i agree with him. the two of us go back to staring at each other, and jahseh tilts his head. "how have you been charging your phone?"

"i haven't. the last time i charged it was when we were at the motel. it's about time for me to charge it again." jahseh nods towards the phone. "don't you know that they can track you by that?"

"i know. but we're taking the risk. we're partners in crime, right? we shouldn't get caught." jahseh smirks at my statement, rolling his eyes playfully and looking away.

"let's hope."

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"damn, that was easier than the last one." jahseh gets up from his knees, opening the freshly broken-into motel door. "ladies first." he says, gesturing inside. i walk past him and inside, and a sharp sting on my behind makes me jump. "ow, jahseh."

"girl bye, i barely tapped you." he says, and i can practically feel the eye roll as he walks in behind me, closing and locking the door. "yeah okay. if that's the case, then you're heavy handed as fuck."

"don't i know it?" he mumbles to himself, setting his backpack down.

i set down my duffle bag and my bags of clothes, kicking off my shoes and sitting down on the bed. jahseh glances my way, grabbing some clothes from his backpack and standing in the bathroom doorway.

"i'm finna take a shower, care to join me?" he asks with a smug look on his face. "don't get carried away, bro." i laugh. "you don't have me wrapped around your finger just yet."

"yet." he says before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind him, the shower water running just seconds later.

i sigh and lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

honestly, how did i get myself into this?

"billie how could you? we were gone for two days and you already got yourself into some foolishness!" mom scolds me, gesturing to the fucking disastrous calamity that's the current state of our house.

"i didn't do any of this shit-"

"now you watch your mouth." dad says, pointing his finger in my face.

"i didn't do any of this shit." i repeat myself, now through gritted teeth. mom looks at dad, quite appalled at my language. "oh get over yourselves. i'm fourteen. i'm growing up. anyways, finneas is the one that decided to throw this big ass party and not clean up after it. what kind of dumbass tries to sneak throw a party and not try to get caught?" i ask them.

"finneas didn't do this, he said he was at a friend's house-"

"said! he said! are you really gonna stand here and tell me that you believe every word that comes out of his mouth?" i scoff, "you two are ridiculous."

"you are not to talk to us that way." mom says. "and you two are not to accuse me of shit!" i practically yell in frustration. "that's it, go to your room. and give us your phone."

"i'm not giving you shit." i spit harshly at mom, pushing past the two of them and bounding up the stairs, going into my room and slamming the door as hard as i can.

"billie-"

"shut the fuck up!" i yell, turning on my red light and running a hand through my hair out of habit. my neck tics and it frustrates me, so i punch the wall. it's not enough to put a hole in it, but there's a slight dent.

i flop down on my bed and pull my phone out, angrily dialing finneas's number.

ring.

ring.

ring.

ring.

"hey, it's finneas. sorry i'm not answering, or maybe i'm not, maybe i'm ignoring you. don't leave a message, because that's lame, and who even leaves messages anymore? leave a text and go about your day."

beep.

"fuck!" i throw my phone, this time running both of my hands through my hair in frustration. that fucker knew that i was gonna get in trouble, so that's why he's not answering my calls. i refuse to get in trouble for any more of his bullshit.

i get up from my bed and retrieve my phone from where i threw it, and go on finneas's contact, this time going to our messages.

lying son of a bitch.

you're so dead.

no, you are.

he responds almost instantly, and the act makes my blood boil. he purposely ignored my call.

i can't stay here any longer.

i shake my head, throwing myself out of my train of thought.

it was horrible back there.

that's how i got myself into this.

i couldn't stay.

but is this any safer? hopping trains? wandering around with some stranger that i barely even know and just met a few days ago?

what happens if i get caught? surely they'll send me right back to that hellhole. and they'll ship me to boarding school with the swiftness. and what-

"billie." jahseh's voice snaps me out of it. i sit up, my eyes widening when he's standing in front of me with nothing but a towel on. 

"huh?" i ask nervously, trying my hardest to reverse the reddening of my face.

"i said you should get in there, while the water's still hot. i'll stay out here and change." i look down and notice his clothes in his arms. "o-okay." i nod. i dig through my duffle bag and pull out some clothes. i pass by jahseh and he gently grabs my arm, pulling me back to him.

his eyes search my face, and once he's done with my analysis he furrows his eyebrows.

"you okay?" he asks. "did you have a moment in here or something?"

i nod lightly, clearing my throat. "yeah, something like that."

-

written on saturday, january 2nd, 2021 | sunday, january 10th, 2021 & wednesday, january 13th, 2021

published on thursday, february 4th, 2021

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back with another update!

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thank you all for reading! stay tuned for a digitonin update!

-symone