tuesday, august 23rd, 2016

"where the hell are you going?" billie mumbles from the bed, lifting the covers back, not even turning her head to look at me.

"out." i respond. billie exhales slowly, the amount of time it takes for the carbon dioxide to leave her body is unbearable; it's as if she's unloading her entire spirit with that one breath.

"where the hell are you going?" she asks again, still not looking at me.

"i'm going to the store to get something to eat." i clarify my plans on my whereabouts this time. billie sits up fully now, rubbing her eyes and sighing into her hands. last night was hard for her. after- well, you know what happened last night. after that happened, billie had a hard time sleeping because she was so upset about the traumatic memories that resurfaced and i had to do my best to lull her to sleep.

she was in and out of sleep all night.

her eyes now - as she lifts her face from her hands - are puffy and screaming with exhaustion; her lips are a tainted pink from how much kissing i did to them last night, to comfort her and put her at ease.

"get me some gummies please. vegan ones." she says, her voice raspy from the full night of crying and sleeplessness. "of course, anything else you want?"

"a hug. you were really just gonna leave me without saying goodbye?" she says in a sad voice, but the playful pout on her face relieved me of any thoughts about her actually being upset about me leaving without saying anything. i suck my teeth and walk over to her, pulling her out of the bed and onto her feet, wrapping my arms around her small frame and hugging her tightly.

"goodmorning, billie." i whisper.

"i love to hear that, more than you know." she whispers back, her words muffled by my chest. i kiss her forehead and pull away, "i'll be back, sunshine, i won't take too long."

"would it be okay if i came with you?"

"sure, get-"

three knocks on the door interrupt me.

"if that's ski, i'm staying here. it's too early in the morning to deal with his bullshit." she laughs, pushing her hair back with her hand. "take him with you, y'all have fun."

"who said i was taking him with me?" i ask with a playful eyebrow raise. she waves me off and gets back into the bed, grabbing the remote and turning the tv on. i walk to the door and open it, and lo and behold, it's ski.

"top of the morning to you, nigger." he tips his invisible hat to me. "same to you." i laugh, "what brings you here?"

"i'm bored." he shrugs, then laughs after. "that's literally it."

"well you're in luck, i'm finna run to the store real quick."

"bunny coming with you?"

"nah, she said she didn't wanna deal with your bullshit." i say blatantly.

"snitch!" i hear her say.

"but yeah. you can come with me though." i shrug, looking back at billie. "be back soon. love you."

"love you too." she responds, and with that i walk out of the hotel room and close the door behind me.

ski and i walk down the hallway in a comfortable silence, and as we walk i can faintly make out the sound of ski's lips parting.

"what are you gonna do about billie? once y'all get to georgia, i mean."

when i smoked with ski the night before last, i ended up telling him about billie and our entire situation, and how conflicted i was about what i would do once we reached georgia. would i set billie up so that she's well off, and leave her there, going back on my roadtrips throughout the country? or would i stay there with her, and be there for her as she navigates her new terrain?

i can't fucking decide.

"i'm not sure. i still have to think on it." i say lowly, hoping that ski would drop the subject, because this isn't something i want to talk about first thing in the morning, i'm trying to avoid it for as long as i can; and that isn't like me, i usually handle things head on.

but this, this was going to be hard.

"what are we going to the store for?" ski asks curiously. i silently thank him for changing the subject. "i was gonna get some ice cream and shit, and billie asked if i can bring her back some gummies."

"she needs to eat more than gummies, bunny needs some meat on her bones."

"she has meat on her bones, trust me. you haven't seen what lies under those loose clothes of hers." i say, shifting my hands around as they sit in fists in my pockets. "it's quite a sight, really."

ski and i get in the elevator and travel down to the ground floor, where we make our way through the lobby and out of the hotel, hit with the texas heat.

"we're leaving texas tomorrow night, ski." i inform him nonchalantly. i've finally figured out the train routes again, and there's a train to louisiana leaving tomorrow, and from there we can get a train that's headed to georgia. the train will make stops in the next two states along the way though, mississipi and alabama, then we'll be in georgia.

i have until then to make my decision about whether i'll stay or go. i know in my heart of hearts that i'll stay with her, i don't even know why i'm debating with myself about it.

"damn." ski says, his demeanor changed, and i look over to him to see him holding a sad expression on his face. "that's actually kind of fucked up, i got attached to y'all."

"we like you too, ski. hell, billie might cry."

"her? hell." he waves me off. "she's more sensitive than you think, i can tell she's the kind of person that'll be heavily affected by losing an attachment."

"alright, all seeing fucking eye." ski jokes, rolling his eyes. i shrug my shoulders, "i'm just saying, observing is easy. besides, i've known her for a little over two weeks, she's easier to read now."

"i ain't been able to read shit from her yet." ski chuckles lowly beside me, his laugh battered raspy because of the nicotine he inhales day in and day out. "some girls are easy to read and leave no room for imagination. but some... some intrigue you to the point where you do everything you can to learn about them and all the shit they're hiding. you know?"

he laughs, "no. you be on that deep shit. how old are you again?"

"fifteen, sixteen in in five months." i respond.

"yeah, you've been through some shit." he bumps my shoulder. "ain't no way you should be talking like this at fifteen."

"life has a way of surprising you."

soon we reach a convenience store, and i search the entire store, not being able to find the vegan gummies billie was talking about. i feel bad, i don't wanna go back to her empty handed.

"let's stop by the taco bell, ski."

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

i had parted ways with ski a couple minutes ago.

i put the key card in the door, pushing it open and letting it slam behind me, walking through the short narrow hallway before being met with the living area of the room, the bed messy, and billie not there.

"billie?" i call out.

"i'm in here." her soft voice fills my ears and i trace it to the bathroom.

i walk over to the bathroom, knocking on the door. "can i come in?"

"mhm."

i open the door slowly, just in case she's in front of it, so i don't end up hitting her or anything. she's sitting on the counter top, her hair in clumps; the bathroom feels heavy and the fog on the window is clearing up, allowing me to conclude that she's just gotten out of the shower.

she's sitting there with a blank, almost sad expression on her face. she lights up when she sees my face, but she really lights up when she sees the bags of taco bell in my hands.

she squeals, jumping off the counter top and grabbing the bags from me. "you brought me taco bell?! thank you!" she throws her arms around my neck and pulls me into an unexpected hug. i hug her back, surprised at her sudden change of emotion, rubbing her lower back. "i couldn't find those gummies you wanted, but i didn't wanna come home empty handed. so i thought i'd get you something i know you'd like."

billie pulls away from me, a soft smile on her face, the smile that's only reserved for the person you have feelings for. she looks dopey, drunk on a feeling, dazed in this state.

"you're so thoughtful, jahseh." she whispers, looking up at me. "thank you."

"you're welcome." i respond, "and that's all for you, you don't have to share. i ate while i was out."

"good because i wasn't planning on sharing anyway." she giggles, pulling me into another hug, a more gentle one this time. "really, thanks seh."

"you're welcome." i reply, kissing her forehead. "what's the plan for today?"

"we can spend time with just us today." she suggests with a shrug, her voice low. "either here, or out."

"let's just stay here for now, then we can go out later tonight."

"sounds like a plan."

i kiss her as a response, her soft lips coming to be something i craved, the sensation that flows through my body growing to be something i'm addicted to. each and every time i kiss her, it's like i can never get enough.

and i can't.

i don't think i ever will.

she moans slightly, pushing me away, "stop before you get me horny." she mumbles, walking past me into the room, sitting down on the bed with her food. "i wouldn't mind that." i mumble.

"i know you won't, that's why i'm stopping you."

i think she's being serious, referring to what happened last night, but the playful smirk on her face tells me otherwise. i kick off my shoes and sit next to her on the bed as she begins to open up her food. she grabs a huge burrito in her little hands, looking at that burrito with more lust than she's ever looked at me with. she goes to take a bite, but stops herself, turning her head to me.

"we'll try again, seh. i promise."

and with that, she takes a bite of her burrito. i know exactly what she's talking about, i don't even need to ask for clarification.

"take your time."

and with my response, i sit back against the headboard, focusing my attention on whatever's on the tv.

billie lays herself down on my chest, her back on my front, eating away at her burrito. i put my arms around her and pull her closer, enjoying this little bit of close comfort and affection. it's the little things with billie that make my heart swell, enough that it feels like it's hurting.

and it's comfortable silence, until billie finishes all her food, downing it with the water that came with it.

"that shit was good as fuck." she laughs lowly to herself, sliding her hand under her shirt and letting it rest on her stomach. "now my stomach kinda hurts."

"no one told you to eat all of that in one sitting." i laugh, "you did that to yourself."

"shut the fuck up." she mumbles. "it was too good to resist. you shouldn't have got me that much."

"i thought you would want that much. in fact, i thought i didn't get you enough."

she gasps, sitting up and facing me, slapping my chest. "do you really think i'm that much of a fatass?"

"if the shoe fits."

"shut your mouth, onfroy." she playfully hits me again, and i hit her back. the two of us trade hits back and forth, but billie is pretty good at dodging, and so am i. she finally manages to grab both of my wrists - i'm not sure how - and pins me down on the bed.

"i win." she says, out of breath.

"not quite."

i quickly flip us over, careful not to pin her down by her wrists, as that would trigger her ptsd. i hold her down by her hands instead, lacing my fingers with hers. "now i'm the winner." i say, leaning down for a kiss and getting what i sought, wasting no time greeting her tongue with mine.

the hormones swirling around between the two of us get to be too much for me, and i'm tempted to just take her clothes off of her, but i know that if i go that route, it's not gonna be good.

billie pulls her lips away from mine, laying there still for a few seconds, her eyes closed in thought. she opens them and lets out a slow exhale.

"let's try again."

-

written on thursday, march 25th, 2021 & friday, march 26th, 2021

published on friday, march 26th, 2021

-

woooo, cliff hanger!

you guys will finally get what you've been asking for. or not, lmao.

are you guys enjoying the story so far?

do you all think the story is moving too slow or too fast? what are your thoughts?

questions, comments and concerns? speak freely!

also if any of you are interested in reading a harry styles fanfiction, -wingridden has just put a new story out, and i promise that you all won't regret reading it! it's one of my personal favorites, so go check it out.

i'll be taking turns updating this book and updating digitonin, so y'all should go read digitonin in the meantime. that's the next chapter that'll be coming out.

i love you all and thank you so much for reading!

-symone