tw: mentions of rape

jahseh helps me onto the car, then gets on after me, setting our things down into a corner.

"get comfortable, 'cause we don't have another stop until tomorrow night. and that's the only stop we have." he says, sitting down and letting out a deep exhale. "yeah, i'll try." i respond, sitting down across from him. "what's the plan tomorrow?"

"the plan?" jahseh asks. "honestly, i haven't even been thinking about that. i'd been so worried about getting to this train on time." i snort. "i thought you'd been thinking of the plan the entire time, fearless leader?" jahseh shoots me an annoyed look, his dark brown eyes piercing into mine. "don't push it."

"but seriously, what's the deal?" i cross my arm. "don't rush me, you're tagging along with me, not the other way around." he rolls his eyes. "for now, we can just ride until our next stop, and then..." he trails off and sighs, running his hand through his dreads. "do you want to stop at another motel for tomorrow night? you know, instead of spending the night on the train. not gonna lie, it was nice to sleep in a bed." he says. i let his words sit in my head, as i try to come up with an answer. "yeah, we should stop at a motel. the bed was pretty nice. but do we have to share a bed?"

"we literally broke into a room, i can't possibly know how many beds are in a room. besides, it's a motel, you take what you can get." he shrugs. then his face turns into a devious one. "what, did sleeping in a bed with me make you nervous?"

my face instantly heats up at his remark, and i quickly shake my head. my neck tics, but you can't tell because of how quickly im shaking my head. "of course not. don't flatter yourself." i say, trying to regain my composure. "don't lie, i know i made you nervous." he laughs, leaning back a little. "its fine." he says in a lower voice, one that's quite panty dropping. "you'll be spending a while with me, you might as well get used to it." he shrugs.

it's a comfortable silence for a few minutes, the only sound besides our breathing being the rushing sound of the train and its grinding gears.

"seh." i say quietly, and jahseh looks up at me from the floor. "hm?"

"should we watch the stars?" i suggest in a whisper. jahseh's eyebrows raise slightly at my words. "that's- that's not a bad idea. yeah, i'd love to." he says, holding his hand out to help me up, and walking with me to the car doors, sliding it open. i forget how close we are to the edge, and the scenery rushing past us puts fear into my heart. i take a step back and clutch jahseh's shirt out of instinct. he looks behind him at me and notices how freaked out i am, and chuckles. 

"relax." he says lowly, his voice deep for only being fifteen. "i'm not gonna let you fall out."

"you better not." i grumble, still holding onto his shirt. i can practically feel jahseh rolling his eyes, but he pulls me away from him, and sits down, bringing me down with him. our legs dangle out of the car, as the wind whips against them. i stare up at the sky, observing the stars. i asked jahseh to do this, because it's rare to see stars in la, and i wanted to take advantage of this time here to see some.

i look beside me at jahseh, to see him staring up at the sky intently, as if he's deep in thought.

"i don't think i came from earth." he says, almost as if he'd read my mind. instead of being taken aback from his question, it really piques my interest. "what makes you say that?" i ask.

jahseh shakes his head. "there's no way. i'm different. i know i am." he pauses, sliding his tongue out and swiping his lips with it. the sight makes me want to close my legs shut, but i don't move, not wanting him to catch on. "i'm different, in appearance, i'm different intellectually-"

"slow your goddamn roll." i put my hands out in a "whoa whoa whoa" motion. "i think you're fanning your ego."

jahseh turns his head and stares me in my eyes, raising his eyebrows. "there's too much going on in this mind... too much that i know, that i shouldn't... there's no way that i'm from earth. i don't belong here." he says seriously, then turns his attention back to the sky. "i believe that i was placed here. to guide people in the right direction. to facilitate the evolution of us as a race. i don't know why i'm here." he speaks each word with the utmost seriousness. i'm astonished at his words, my eyebrows raised as far as they can go. jahseh turns to look at me again. "are you confused?"

"n-no. it's just, i don't know what to say, that's all." i say. jahseh smiles and nods, looking down at his lap. "i don't expect you to understand, anyway." i shake my head. "it's not that, i find you interesting." i say, then quickly shut my mouth. jahseh looks up at me and smiles, "is that so?"

i try to find a witty response, but i just sigh and give up. "maybe." i mumble. i look down at my fingers, fiddling with them. i feel jahseh's hand on my chin, and he gently turns my head so that i'm looking at him. the sight of him staring so intently at me catches me off guard, and i clear my throat to prevent myself from gasping.

"i find you interesting too, william." he says with a smile. "that's why i can't wait to pick that brain of yours, and find out what secrets your hiding behind those pretty blue eyes." he whispers the last few words, the rasp in his voice becoming too much for me to take. "we have all the time in the world."

"do we really?" i ask. "well," jahseh drops his hand from my chin, but i'm so stunned by the contact that it feels like his hand never left. "until i get you to your destination, of course."

"however long that takes." i whisper. "however long it takes." jahseh whispers back, directing his attention back to the stars. "the cosmos fascinate me." he says. "there's so much out there, so many other things that are much bigger than us, and our teeny tiny little world and civilization and way of thinking."

"how do you think the cosmos were made?" i ask him, and he quirks an eyebrow without taking his eyes off the sky. "do you think it was made how scientists say it was made? or do you think the big man upstairs made it?"

"i don't believe in god." jahseh says instantly, exhaling deeply. "then again, i can't really believe everything scientists tell us, because scientists are in line with the government. i try not to think about how the universe is made, i've just accepted that the universe just is. why dwell on how it was made, instead of trying to explore it?" he asks, but i can tell it's one of those questions that doesn't need an answer. jahseh's eyes meet mine. "what about you, billie? how do you think it was made?" i shrug, looking back down at my fingers. "i don't believe in god either, and all that science-y shit isn't my forte. i've kind of accepted that it just is as well."

"interesting." he says.

i look down at his wrist and see a "#528" tattoo'ed there, something i haven't noticed before. jahseh told me that he has a criminal past, but never went into detail about it. and sometimes inmates get their inmate number tatted on their body.

"what'd you do to get that?" i ask him, nodding to his wrist. jahseh looks down at it, and looks back up at the sky. "i'll tell you if you tell me what you were going to get sent to boarding school for." he says. i sigh and run a hand through my hair, the sole mention of boarding school causing my eyebrow to tic.

"my brother... he's a bad person." i start, and jahseh glances at me, noticing my shift in tone. "he was really abusive to me, verbally, physically, and-" i choke on my spit, fighting with myself to get the word out. "sexually."

this makes jahseh turn his entire body to me, giving me his full attention. "go on."

"he would do dumb shit, like wreck my parent's house, throw wild ass parties and not clean up, he'd dabble in drugs and shit, selling and using, and he'd drink..." i trail off, collecting my thoughts. "he'd rob stores and bring the money home, and blow all that shit in one day, and even worse, he'd blame all of that shit on me whenever he got in trouble... and my parents and everyone else believed it. i mean, who would you believe? a handsome do-no-wrong ginger or an emo looking bitch?" i ask jahseh, briefly touching my hair, and he doesn't answer, he just continues to stare at me.

"finneas - that's my brother's name - would bring his friends over too while my parents were gone, and they were almost always gone. they didn't want to deal with us. finneas and his friends would smoke and get high, and occasionally get drunk, but they weren't really drinkers. it started out with finneas lashing out at me every now and then, and i could take it, i'm a tough bitch. i can handle a little yelling. he threw insults every now and then, and like i said i could take it. soon, he started getting physical. he'd pull my hair, yank me, he'd grip my arm so hard that i'd have bruises, or his hand imprinted in my skin. he'd hit me in my face, throw things at me, hell, sometimes he'd hit me with things he just happened to pick up.

"and one day, he decided to take my innocence."

jahseh tenses at these words, his entire demeanor shifting. he looks, angry.

"this was a couple months ago, he was completely sober when he did it, there was nothing clouding his mind or his judgement. he got mad because when he hit me, i hit him back. so he pulled me into his room and... i'm sure you can imagine what happened." i say, and clear my throat. "and because i was resisting, he hit me more, and left bruising. i was sore everywhere. for about a week. he told my parents before i even got a chance to, telling them that i was so desperate for dick that i fucked him in his sleep, without his consent. my parents called me a slut and said that all those bruises and shit on my body were all ones that i inflicted on myself, to try to frame him to get attention. fuck them." i spit angrily.

i feel jahseh's thumb on my face, wiping away a tear i didn't even know was falling from my eye. "did he do it again?" he asks quietly. i shake my head. "after the first time, i kept a knife in my room. he tried to do it another time, but i pulled the knife on him, and he hasn't tried to do anything like that since. that's what made my parents begin to consider sending me to boarding school. they were convinced i was becoming the town whore. and in highland park, that's a dangerous place to become a whore." i say, laughing at my words, attempting to cheer myself up.

jahseh sighs softly and pulls me into a hug, and it takes a bit for me to register this hug. i hug back, basking in his arms, feeling protected, swaddled, shielded, and cradled, all at once. "it sucks that you went through that." he says into my ear, but i don't say anything. "nobody deserves that."

"you're right." i say quietly, resting my head on jahseh's shoulder. "no one does, but it happened to me. everything happens for a reason, right?"

jahseh pulls away from me, placing a hand on my cheek and staring into my eyes. "don't say shit like that." he says frustratingly. "no one deserves it, and you didn't either. that's that. don't accept that shit."

"i'm trying." i say, my voice cracking slightly. i turn my head, embarrassed. jahseh puts his hand on my chin and directs my attention back to him. "we don't have to talk about this anymore. i'll tell you about this tattoo now, okay?"

and jahseh proceeds to tell me about his aggravated assaults, armed robberies, home invasions, and street fighting, all to "get attention" from his mom.

damn, what a life he's had.

"i didn't really wanna get this shit tattoo'ed on me at first, but i was like, eh, fuck it, why not?" he shrugs, looking over at me. "you straight?" he asks. i nod, giving him a weak smile. the look on jahseh's face tells me that he doesn't believe me. "you must be tired. come on, let's sleep."

jahseh stands up and closes the car door, careful not to fall out. he turns around, giving me privacy to change into shorts and a hoodie. 

"i'm done." i say quietly. i'm not sad or anything, it's just that our conversation earlier left me in a bit of a mood.

jahseh turns back around and walks towards me, slowly pulling me into a hug, as if i'm fragile. he kisses my forehead, stroking my hair behind my ear. "don't let your past define you." he says quietly. "don't let it weigh you down and cause you to sink. you are a new person, now embrace it." he says. jahseh pulls me down to the floor with him, and we lay down, jahseh pulling me close to him, sliding one of his arms around my waist, bringing my body against his, and his other hand slinking into my hair and massaging my scalp.

"goodnight, billie." he says lowly.

"goodnight."

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written on sunday, december 13th, 2020 & friday, january 1st, 2021

published on wednesday, february 3rd, 2021

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back to back updates, woohoo!

don't forget to check out the third book in my melatonin trilogy, digitonin! i just updated it last night!

i love you all!

check out kymanidior's book "WRAC", and go read her book "numb" before she takes it down!!!

-symone