tw: rape

"be careful jah, you're gonna crash." i giggle as jahseh swerves lightly left and right in our lane, vehicles in front of and behind us. we've rented out this golf cart and this is honestly the most fun i've had in a while, i can also tell that somehow, driving around is helping jahseh relieve some stress and let loose. he's been a little stressed out recently because of us having to jump the train and find another route; it's been a little heavy on him.

"you're gonna crash? we're gonna crash!" ski says. "nigga do you even have your learner's permit?"

"does it matter?" jahseh smirks, a low laugh escaping his mouth, as we stop at a red light.

"do our lives matter?" i question, crossing my arms, but not being able to take myself seriously because of the goofy smile on my face. "yes, they do, but let's live on the edge of life, sunshine, enjoy the thrill." he winks at me, and at this moment the light turns green and jahseh steps on the gas.

"fuck, i didn't know golf carts could go this fast." i mumble.

jahseh swerves to mess with us and i have a mini-heart attack, while ski has the same. "stop playing around, vro," he says beginning to kinda hyperventilate, "shit, i think i'm having an asthma attack."

"no, it's all them cigarettes you smoke." i laugh. jahseh laughs loudly as well and i really take in this moment, the sound of his laugh, his obnoxious laugh, and the way i can see his esophagus move in his neck- the mere sight of it makes me bite my lip.

"billie, stop staring." jahseh says with a bit of laugh still in his voice, and i look away, at the scenery in front of us, to supervise jahseh's driving and make sure we don't run into anyone. "i can't help it, you're so beautiful." i say, winking.

"spare me the bullshit." ski rolls his eyes.

"shut up nigga, you're just mad 'cause you're single." jahseh retorts.

it still hasn't registered that jahseh is my boyfriend. my. boyfriend. that's fucking insane. i have a person that i feel strongly for that has reciprocated my strong feelings and has agreed to be with me, out of respect for said feelings. something about that makes me want to explode inside.

everything about jahseh is mesmerizing.

his skin is such a pretty shade of brown, a perfect ashy brown color, and his cheekbones are nice and prominent like mine; his teeth are a bright white and make his smile even more irresistible, his dark brown eyes so mysterious that it's impossible for me not to pick his brain.

his body is- girl i don't even need to say anything more.

and that voice? whoo! enough to make a girl tingle on the inside.

i've never even had a crush on anyone before, let alone have full blown feelings for them. jahseh is... everything i could want and more. everything i wanted. all in one person.

my childhood was so fucked up that it was hard for me to trust people or to even believe that anyone could care for me or love me. that anyone could even look my way or have a single fucking thought about me. life was bleak, life was fucking catastrophic, and honestly, i was on the verge of ending it.

then i met jahseh.

and even amongst us being on the run and jahseh harboring me, us jumping from train to train and having to break into motels or check into hotels in the middle of the night, us getting caught and literally risking our lives, jahseh's made it all better, always encouraging me to keep my head up and keeping me laughing along the way. he makes me happy. i haven't been genuinely happy in a painfully long time.

and i hope that i do the same for him.

i tuck my hair behind my ear and twiddle my thumbs. jahseh's presence is definitely intimidating and i get extremely nervous around him at times, worried that i'm going to say or do some stupid shit to make him think of me as weird or even piss him off.

the sexual tension between us grows stronger everyday, and since we're both teenagers with hormones swirling around, it's getting harder to resist the urge of having sex with him.

now hear me out, i know. "what about what finneas did to you?" well, i'm trying to learn to move past that. and i'm never going to get to enjoy myself if i keep letting my past stop me from doing things i want. and what i want is ... jahseh.

he makes passes at me all the time and it's impossible not to engage with him, he's so seductive and charming and knows just how to wrap me around his finger. and jahseh's been my first for everything, really, so everything i'm experiencing is completely new. all of it is skyrocketing me onto this extreme high. i feel like jahseh's the first person to genuinely love and care for me, since my parents and my brother can't love me for shit.

it would be impossible for me to say no to jahseh if he ever asked me to have sex with him.

i believe i'd give myself to him without a second thought.

and we've only known each other for a little over two weeks. but you feel what you feel and you can't question it.

i clear my throat, staring blankly in front of me, just lost in the present, sitting and staring through my blurry vision. blurry, not because i'm crying, but because i can get double vision when i'm spaced out.

"billie? you aight? you been quiet for a bit." jahseh's voice catches my attention and i'm pulled back into reality, becoming aware of this feeling of movement and realizing that i'm in the golf cart with jahseh and ski, and i just zoned the fuck out.

"yeah i'm good, i was just thinking." i nod, tilting my head so that my hair is tossed out of my face. "thinking?" he asks. i shrug, "yeah, nothing important." i whisper. he looks like he's about to ask but he obviously won't do it in front of ski so he just nods, rotating the steering wheel as he turns a corner. he's so sexy when he drives.

what the hell is wrong with me?

"billie, you're staring again." jahseh points out without even setting his eyes on me. "what, i'm not allowed to look at you?"

"i'm gonna throw up." ski rolls his eyes.

"sounds like jealousy to me, what do you think sunshine?" jahseh taunts ski. "hm, i think so too." i agree with him.

"both of y'all niggas can drown in hell." ski retorts.

"gladly." jahseh nods, settling the conversation. i finally realize that we've been driving for a while. "uh, i know that we rented this golf cart to drive around, but where the hell are we going? we've just been driving around for ten minutes with no clear destination." i point out.

"shit, you're right, and i don't really know my way around here." jahseh cringes. "whoops."

"fuck me." i drag my hand down my face and roll my eyes. "i second that." ski responds. "i don't see either of you driving, so shut the fuck up. i'm the captain of the cruise ship." jahseh puts his foot down. "shut the hell up, we just barely avoided about eight accidents." i roll my eyes and wave him off. "but we're still alive though right?"

"barely." ski and i say and jahseh shakes his head, focusing on driving.

"whatever."

and over the next couple of hours, jahseh takes us to a salon to get my ends cut - finally - we get me some taco bell, and we return the golf cart. it's around six in the afternoon, so the three of us are just walking down the sidewalk together, enjoying the day.

"hey guys, i just got this big ass urge to commit a crime." i say nonchalantly and the two of them look at me as we continue to walk down the sidewalk. "what should we do? shoplift? break some shit? vandalize?"

"whoa whoa whoa there, where did all this come from?" jahseh asks with a worried expression. i shrug. "impulse."

and out of respect of the last word i spoke, i big up the first thing we come across, which - lucky me - happens to be a big ass rock, and throw it into a random store window. the glass shatters instantly when the rock is hurled into it and people begin to scream.

i don't hesitate to run, i run fast and without stall, this action bringing me back to my days of committing crimes and running so that i wouldn't get caught by the police. i had so much anxiety back then, but i also felt so alive. the only difference this time is that jahseh and ski are with me and they'd make sure i didn't get caught by anyone.

"what the hell billie?" i hear jahseh yell beside me as we run but i pay no attention to him, only focusing on the pure adrenaline i'm getting from this moment, running and running in the hopes that i don't get stopped by someone. it's gambling, really. it shares the same thrill.

once we get far enough, i slow down, putting my hands on my knees and catching my breath. a laugh escapes me, making it a bit harder to control my breathing, so i begin to cough a little.

"what- what the hell was that?" jahseh asks, out of breath, once him and ski catch up to me. both of their faces are a mixture of confusion and anger. i don't give a shit if they're mad though, it was fun.

"i told y'all i had the urge to commit a crime. should have expected it." i shrug, taking a couple more deep breaths before standing up to my full height and sighing contently.

"expected what? running down the block at full fucking speed?" ski asks, his voice now raspy from all the heavy breathing he'd been doing because of the running. "we barely ran a couple blocks, that should have been easy for you. all that nicotine is catching up to you, ski mask." i joke around, slapping a new nickname onto ski. he rolls his eyes and continues to attempt to catch his breath, still wheezing the entire time.

"billie, don't fuck around like that, you should have at least let us know." jahseh says, a bit of anger in his tone. this is a huge contrast to how happy and bright he was earlier in the golf cart. "sorry dude, i'm not used to having people with me when i commit crimes, my impulse won over my judgement. i did what i did and i ran. that's what i always do." i shrug. jahseh narrows his eyes at me and is about to say something but refrains from doing so, shaking his head instead. "ski, get your lazy ass together. you should not still be trying to catch your breath."

"it's the cigs, nigga, the cigs." he puts emphasis on the last part, standing up to his full height but still wheezing as he tries to regain his breathing. jahseh rolls his eyes and begins to walk forward, slinking his arm around my waist and leaning his lips towards my ear. "i'll deal with you later." he mumbles. i look behind me to make sure that ski is following us and he is.

we stop and buy a water bottle for ski; he quickly downs the whole thing and tosses it onto the ground.

"hey, pick that shit up." i say, slightly aggravated by his careless littering.

he tilts his head and quirks an eyebrow. "you're not serious."

"i am, all that littering and shit is ruining the environment, you're contributing to the earth's fucking death you dumbass. get it up." i say, not surprised by my sudden fit of aggravation and passion. i've always been passionate about the earth and nature, and to see someone so blatantly disrespecting it lights a fire inside me.

ski looks at jahseh for his opinion.

"pick the shit up, dude." he shrugs. ski rolls his eyes and sighs, bending down to pick up the plastic waterbottle from the ground. he goes to put it in the trash bin but i stop him. "aht! recycling bin."

he sighs once more and puts it in the recycling bin; suddenly all of my anger is gone and i'm happy and smiling again. "see? how hard was that?"

"fuck off." he replies.

"noted." i respond, putting my hands up in surrender. the three of us continue our walk down the sidewalk. we're heading back towards the hotel and it's going to take us maybe an hour or two to get back, so we're starting back now because it's going to get dark soon.

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we part ways with ski and head up to our hotel room, deciding to take showers because we just walked two fucking hours to this hotel and we both feel sweaty and clammy. jahseh claims the shower first, and i don't stop him. after he's done, i go in and take mine.

i'm out of the shower and putting on my clothes, taking the time to actually dry my hair this time, admiring my freshly cut ends, so grateful that jahseh took us there so that i can get them cut. he even paid to have my hair dyed to a brighter shade of blonde, as my brownish blonde hair was getting annoying.

my hair looks great.

i pick up my old clothes from the floor and open the bathroom door, instantly tossing my clothes into a corner as i walk into the room. jahseh looks up from his spot on the bed and his eyes are stuck on me, but i ignore it. i walk over to my backpack and open it, digging around in an attempt to locate a scrunchie for my hair, when i feel jahseh's arms around me and his lips next to my ear.

"you walked out wearing those little ass clothes and thought i wouldn't notice?" he rasps into my ear. i look down at what i'm wearing and see that i'm wearing a fitted black camisole and some short comfort shorts. i didn't even realize that i had picked out these clothes, i had just grabbed them absentmindedly and started my shower because i was so anxious to clean myself.

"whoops." i mumble, giggling after. "sorry. i didn't do it on purpose though."

jahseh ignores me and pulls me to the bed, pushing me onto it and hovering over me, getting between my legs.

he wastes no time connecting his lips with mine, sliding his hands under my shirt and running his hands up my sides, causing my body to shiver. one of his hands are removed from my shirt, and i hear the sound of the light clicking off, then his hand is right back under my shirt.

jahseh breaks away slightly, his lips still a couple centimeters from mine.

"i didn't expect us to be out as long as we did. i've been craving you all day." he mumbles. "and with all the teasing you've been doing all day, you've been making it harder and harder for me to resist my urges."

"please, what fucking teasing?" i laugh softly. "i haven't been doing shit to tease you all day."

"you're a fucking a liar." he chuckles, looking down at my body before looking up at me. "besides, if i remember correctly, you pulled some dumb shit earlier and expected us to run with it, i still need to get back at you for that."

i bust out laughing at this, not being able to take him seriously. "i'm sorry, dude!" i laugh, fighting back tears. "i was just doing what the fuck i wanted to do. something i haven't done in a long ass time. and it felt good to do whatever the fuck i wanted to do. it felt good to do something bad, you know?" i ask, trying to settle down on my laughter. a smile remains on jahseh's face as he nods his head. "yeah, i know all too well."

"sorry for not letting y'all know before i just took off running." i say seriously, cupping his right cheek with my hand. "that was my fault."

"apology accepted." he says quietly, leaning back down to engage in a kiss with me.

after the third tingle between my legs, i decide to break away from jahseh.

"what? what's wrong?" he asks after i put my hands on his chest, making him pull away.

"listen, jah..." i try to figure out how to ask him my question. how to ask him to allow me to give myself to him. how to tell him that i need him.

he tilts his head. "is something wrong? did i do something?" he asks, genuinely confused. his face looks a bit sad, like he thinks i'm about to tell him bad news or something. "no, it's nothing bad!" i quickly reassure him, and i can feel a little bit of the pressure lifted off of him but some still remains. "so what is it?"

"well, i'm not sure how to say this, but..." i bite my lip, forcing myself to push the words out. "i think i'm ready."

at first, jahseh's face is the same, unmoving for a moment, but after a couple seconds his eyebrows slowly raise and his lips part. "are you sure?"

"y-yeah. i'm sure." i nod my head, suddenly becoming extremely nervous and tense under him, the fact that he has so much experience rushing into my head, and i'm debating on whether or not i should withdraw my statement.

"well-" he stops himself, sighing softly. "do you wanna do it now?"

"yeah." i say instantly, nodding my head. "now. i need you now."

he seems taken aback by my response but nevertheless he cracks that beautiful smile. "damn, i didn't think i was that irresistible." 

"don't kill the mood, dude." i roll my eyes.

and within a second, jahseh's lips are back on mine and his hands are back under my shirt, but this time he doesn't stop at my sides, they go all the way up to my bare tits - i didn't even remember not grabbing a bra, my absentmindedness must have been bad - and he squeezes them softly. the feeling of that squeeze sends an intense tingle inbetween my legs, forcing a moan out of my lips.

with this, jahseh pulls his lips away from mine and puts them onto my neck, sucking on them with just the right amount of pressure, this being the second or third time jahseh's done this since i met him. i try to hold back my moan but it comes out as a giggle instead; i stop once i feel jahseh's fingers grab the waistline of my shorts and panties, pulling both of them down my legs and fully off of me, setting them on the nightstand.

he pulls away from me and leans back, observing a my naked bottom half, my legs spread slightly. he bites his lip, leaning down and digging into his backpack, pulling something out.

a condom.

"why the hell do you have that on hand?" i ask with a laugh, genuinely curious. he shrugs with a smile, "shit happens."

jahseh pulls himself out and my eyes widen, fear entering my body. i've only seen jahseh's- thing, twice before, and each time i forget how big it is. he's only fifteen, whoever the hell conceived him gave him amazing genes.

the condom is on in a couple seconds and jahseh aligns himself with my entrance. he puts his hands on my thighs, separating my legs a little more, gripping them lightly. he looks up at me with his eyebrows raised. "once again, are you sure?"

"i'm sure." i respond. he nods, "okay, but it's gonna hurt."

"you're forgetting that i'm not a virgin, jahseh." i whisper, regretting saying that, because now finneas is on my mind when i should only be focusing on jahseh and this experience.

"sorry, you're right." he says lowly, "but that was only one time, you're not fully opened up yet." he tells me, and with this, he begins to push himself in.

the pain makes me hiss and grip the sheets, and he instantly stops. "should i stop?"

"no, keep going." i mumble.

he pushes himself in a little more and a stabbing pain shocks me.

"stop it, finneas!" i cry out, tears beginning to fall from my eyes now. i resist from hitting him, because i know he'll fucking pull that trigger.

"stop bitching, billie, this will be over soon if you just let it happen." he says, annoyed. he continues to push himself in and i shriek out, the pain being too much. he's not even being slow, he's basically shoving himself inside of me.

"stop!" i yell out again, the pain becoming unbearable.

"shut up!" he yells loudly, making me gasp and whimper after, shutting my mouth for fear that he'd do what he came here to do and pull the trigger on me after.

after all of him is in, he goes in and out of me at a steady pace, throwing his head back. "wow." he says in awe. "just fucking wow." 

it may be a euphoric experience for him, but the pain in my lower abdomen is excruciating as he slides himself in and out of me, not even giving my body any time to adjust. i'm biting back my cries and screams, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip as i begin to taste blood.

i look down at finneas to see blood on him, realizing that he popped my cherry.

"gross, i didn't think you would bleed."

"you can't have your fucking cake and eat it too, finneas." i say quietly, anger spilling out of my words. "you better shut the fuck up before i make you." he presses the tip of the gun against my forehead, so hard that i'm sure that the circle shape is imprinted onto my skin.

"stop. stop it. stop it!" i yell, brought back out of my flashback. jahseh instantly pulls himself out as my hands fly up to cover my face; i bust out crying, hysterically, hiccups and body shudders ripping through my body. "i can't. i can't. i'm sorry!" i cry out, my voice cracking, the tears falling from my eyes at an uncontrollable rate. it's hard to gain control of my breathing as i'm gripped by intense sobbing, and after a few seconds i feel jahseh's arms around me and his body pressed against mine.

"don't apologize, it's okay." he whispers into my ear, stroking my hair. "it's okay, baby."

"i'm sorry!" i apologize again, hiccuping a couple times and coughing once the hiccups make me choke on my air. "it's okay, stop it." he says once more, still stroking my hair. "it's not your fault."

"but i know how much you wanted-"

"it's not about me." he cuts me off. "if you're not ready, you're not ready, no discussion. there's nothing i can do about that."

jahseh's words of comfort and arms around me make me feel a little better but i'm still haunted by finneas. the way that that memory slammed into me at full force- i should have expected it, but i wasn't prepared for it. i'm so disappointed in myself for not being able to handle it, and now i feel like a dick, like i've led jahseh on.

"i didn't mean to lead you on, jahseh." i hiccup. "i feel horrible." i sniff a couple times, wiping the tears from my eyes even though i know they'll keep coming.

"you didn't lead me on. i expected it, honestly. i was prepared for it." he says softly. i knew that the chances of it actually happening were fifty-fifty. and that's okay. i have no problem with that. besides, we have all the time in the world. i can wait."

jahseh's words calm me to the extent that my sobbing has stopped, the tears are still coming full force though, and my nose is getting a little runny.

"let your feelings out, it's better that you face them head on." he whispers. "i'm gonna be here for you, no matter how many times you tell me that you're not ready. that's not all a relationship is, you know? sex is just a perk. it's you that i want." he says, stroking me hair. "you understand?"

i nod. "i understand."

"good." he says. "you wanna go to sleep or you wanna watch tv?" it's too early to go to sleep, so i opt for tv. jahseh turns the television on and puts it on spongebob, a nostalgic cartoon, and turns the volume up to a reasonable level. "come on, let's get under the covers." he says softly, and the two of us get under the covers, jahseh wasting no time wrapping his arms right back around me, holding me close.

and here we are, laying together in the bed and watching spongebob, with jahseh's arms keeping a tight grip on me, and my hands going up to my eyes every so often to rub my nose. jahseh keeps his hand on the back of my head, to hold me close to him, but it also serves another purpose; to have his hand close to my eyes so that when tears fall, he can wipe them away.

- 

written and published on on monday, march 22nd, 2021

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hey everyone!

i'm trying to keep updates consistent, so bare with me. i haven't done a 4000 word chapter in a while, so i was excited for this one.

i wasn't going to publish today but i thought, why not? i've been starving y'all for long enough. even though i just updated three days ago.

and i bet you guys are mad at me because of the seggs tease! haha! y'all will have to wait a little longer! not too much longer though.

could you all give me any feedback?

also, if any of you are on stan twitter and want to follow me, my @ is @yrlongheadache . and if you're not on stan twitter, you should join. it's so fun.

follow me on my twitter account for wattpad @billiesbbmomma !

i love you all and thank you all so much for reading! please be patient with the updates!

-symone