monday, september 26th, 2016

one month later

i adjust my phone and clear my throat, looking at the paper before me and the words scrawled across it.

"my-" i stop myself, clearing my throat again.

"my- fuck, wrong pitch again." i groan, gathering myself and trying once more.

"my boy, my boy, my boy, don't love me like he promised, my boy, he ain't a man and sure as hell, ain't honest."

i nod my head at the pitch, i'm finally doing it right.

it's been one month since jahseh left.

it was totally unexpected, and it was really a slap in the face. one minute we were having fun and eating food and the next minute, he was gone. leaving nothing behind but some money and a note.

dear billie,

i know you're really upset right now. the voices in my head were getting to be a bit much, and they told me to leave, to leave so that i wouldn't hurt you. so that i wouldn't get attached to you. so that i wouldn't depend on you.

thinking about that now, it seems a bit contradictory.

i haven't even left yet but as i'm writing this letter, i already miss you so much. i love you more than words can explain. and that's what scares me so much, love. that feeling that's so hard to describe.

nobody's ever felt the way you made me feel, billie.

i'm going back to texas, to see ski. for some reason i have some odd connection to him. i feel like that's my only safe space for right now.

i've given you some money so that you can get by. you're clever, i'm sure you'll find other ways to make money. please be safe, i'd never forgive myself if anything happened to you.

i love you so much,

jahseh.

fuck him.

he left me here with so much as my dignity, my instincts, and my love for him.

how dare he leave?

after jahseh left, i decided to actually break out my songbook and record a few of the songs on my phone, sharing them on the internet. one of them being the song that i'm currently still working out, which i've entitled "my boy".

i began to post little snippets of my voice on an anonymous instagram account and have gained some traction, this being the motivation i need to get up and do something with my life. there's so much emotion in all of my songs, so why not sing them for the internet and see where it takes me?

since jahseh left, in the month that's passed, i've relocated to florida, only because i missed the coast of california. florida provided something similar to that, a haunting feeling of home.

"fuck it, i'll record the rest of this shit when i get back." i sigh, pushing myself backwards in my chair and standing up, stretching. i managed to afford a little hotel, with the money jahseh left me. i also got a job down here helping out at the humane society.

i grab my wallet and run a hand through my hair as i walk out of my room and into the hallway, walking into an elevator and pressing the button for the ground floor.

i'm running low on food. i've run out of vegan ramen and chocolate, two things i've been craving lately and can't seem to get enough of. i oddly find myself also craving york peppermint patties, jahseh's favorite candy.

jahseh.

my heart pangs as i remember this small fact about jahseh, remembering when he fed one to me and expressed his love for the minty chocolate, and i watched his eyes shine as he chewed one up and he soaked in the flavor that of which he cherished.

i shake my head, attempting to rid myself of the bittersweet memory. the elevator door opens and i quickly make my way through the lobby and out of the hotel, walking down the sidewalk to the nearest wawa.

it took me time to adjust to florida, a state all the way across the country from my home, but i know this area like the back of my hand now, slowly learning floridian slang and finally understanding what "florida man" means.

these motherfuckers are crazy.

i stuff my hands in my pockets, naturally - but accidentally - slipping into my pimp walk.

once jahseh left, the idea of my hair being blonde - the color that he paid for it to be dyed to - hurt my heart. the color reminded me too much of jahseh.

so i dyed it. dark blue.

me dyeing my hair was definitely a rebirth for me, i felt like a whole new person, and i felt like i was shedding all the shit that jahseh left with me.

i walk through the sliding doors at the wawa and hear the beep of the convenience store when someone walks in or out.

i head to the aisle with dried foods and instantly spot the vegan ramen that i eat on the regular, grabbing and entire box and tucking it under my arm. "now for the chocolate."

i wander to the candy aisle, being met with sugary sweets and diabetes inducing snacks.

my eyes scan each individual box of candies for the truffle chocolate that i've been obsessed with recently.

"you're paying for all this shit, i don't care."

the voice makes me stop dead.

"fuck you, you got more money than me!"

"you better fucking believe it." that familiar laugh makes me choke on my spit. i take in a deep breath in an attempt to compose myself.

it's almost working, until the two of them come onto my aisle.

i'm so in shock that i drop the box of ramen, making the two of them look up at me.

jahseh instantly recognizes me, his eyes widening as he stops in his tracks.

stokeley is confused and looks between me and jahseh. he squints at me, his eyes finally widening in realization. "ohhhh shit." he says. my blue hair probably threw him off, but still, stokeley wasn't really the brightest.

"no way." jahseh mumbles, still staring at me with his body completely frozen. my breathing picks up and my heart rate increases at the sight of him. at first i was shocked and happy to see him, but now, i'm so consumed by anger that i walk quickly towards him, my hand moving faster than my mind can, and before i know it i'm slapping him across the face as hard as i can, the palm of my hand stinging afterwards. jahseh stumbles back a bit but i grab the collar of his shirt, bringing him back. i ball my hand into a fist and punch him this time, in the same spot.

"aye aye aye." stokeley tries to push me away but i quickly turn to him and put my finger in his face.

"no! because you knew where he was. he was with you! you never thought to convince him to come back? do you know how horrible i felt?"

"i-"

"shut up." i cut him off, turning back to jahseh, the left side of his face beginning to redden a bit. he's still in shock, just staring at me with wide eyes.

"fuck you." i say harshly, picking up my box of ramen. i attempt to walk past them but jahseh finally snaps out of it, grabbing my arm.

"billie-"

"i don't wanna hear it. do you know how hard it was for me to try to survive on my own in a state that i've never been in before, jahseh? do you know how alone i felt at night? do you know how much my heart broke?" i ask, my voice cracking at the end.

my walls are beginning to break.

"i'm sorry-"

"you didn't even give me a proper goodbye." i say, my eyes welling up with tears. "how could you?"

instead of answering me, he just takes the ramen box out from under my arm and places it back down on the shelf. he pulls me into a hug and i don't fight it, surprisingly. the familiarity of his arms around me just makes me crumble, wrapping my arms around him and crying into his chest.

"i'm sorry, baby." he says softly, stroking my hair.

"i'm just gonna... wait for y'all outside." stokeley says, and his footsteps trail away until i hear the sliding doors open and the beep of the convenience store.

i continue to cry into jahseh's chest, and i'm almost sure that people in the other aisles are staring at us in confusion. i can feel it. but i don't care, jahseh's presence is enough to give me peace and throw me into chaos all at the same time. i'm feeling so many emotions right now that my head hurts, my mind is muddy from all the words that i want to say to him.

but all i'm trying to focus on is the relaxing feeling of relief.

"i missed you." i whisper, my voice raspy from crying.

"i missed you even more, i promise." he responds. i pull away from him and look up at his face, taking in his beautiful features that i missed. i notice a tattoo above his collarbone, a small, but noticeable,

billie

"what are you doing in florida?" i ask him.

"i should be asking you the same thing." he responds. "i decided to settle back down, i have my whole life ahead of me to travel the country again. besides, my mom and i talked it out and she's making an effort to be there for me more." he lets out a breath, "i missed her, honestly." he nods to me, "what about you?"

"i needed a state that reminded me of home. a coastal state." i shrugged. "i decided, why not?"

"i love your hair." he says with a smile, his voice almost breathless. "you look really... sexy."

despite my anger at him, i blush at his comment, looking down a little before looking back up at him again. "thank you."

"i think we," he takes a deep breath, "have a lot of catching up to do. if you'll allow me?"

i bite my lip and nod my head, picking my box of ramen back up. "yeah. it's needed."

"i'll pay for that." he gestures to my ramen.

we go up to the counter and jahseh pays for my ramen. the two of us walk outside to be met with stokeley leaning up against the wall.

"'bout time." he mumbles. i smile and pull stokeley into a big hug.

"i missed you, you fucker." i say into his shoulder.

"i missed you too, bunny." he responds, hugging me back just as tight.

"alright, that's enough hugging." jahseh says, instantly kicking into boyfriend mode, even though we're not together. well, we technically never broke up, but still. we'll have to talk about that later. i pull away from stokeley and look between him and jahseh.

"we got a lot of shit to catch up on." i say. "y'all stay in this area?"

"yeah, my mom's house is literally down the street." jahseh points in a general direction.

"well let's get going then, i'm fucking baking." stokeley says, fanning himself.

and with that, the three of us take off down the street.

i want so badly to be mad at jahseh, to hate him and to loathe him, to wish badly upon him for leaving me there in georgia, but when i saw his face for the first time in weeks, heard his voice for the first time in what felt like years, and basked in his embrace, i realized that i didn't need to hold onto that anger anymore.

he's here now, and that's all that matters.

"damn it!" i say suddenly, making the two of them look at me, confused.

"what?" they both ask at the same time.

"i forgot my fucking chocolate!"

-

written and published on monday, april 19th, 2021

-

WOW THIS BOOK IS FINALLY OVER ???

i started this book on december 3rd and ended it today, meaning that the book took me a total of 137 days to complete.

137 days; 4 months and 2 weeks.

i love this book SOO much, it's literally my baby. i believe that this is the best work i've ever written, and my writing skills have developed all the way through my trilogy and really showed in this book. i'm so proud of myself for getting all the way through it.

this is also my shortest book ever, only 20 something chapters, when i originally planned for this book to be 40-60 chapters.

thank you all so much for reading this book, this was truly a pleasure to write and read. i love this book with all my heart and it's my best work to date, it did so good in the ranks and you all really seemed to love it and be invested in the story and become emotionally attached.

as y'all know, i planned to have a part two to this book but decided not to. i just wanted to keep the book short.

also, here's a little face reveal so y'all know what i look like if you don't already.

i have another book already in the works, y'all know i'm always working lmao. it's in the process of getting written so that i can release it in a few months. it's called "st. george island", and it is another jah x billie book.

y'all seem to really like jah x billie books, so here we go with another one.

it's about billie going to a reform school and... i don't wanna spill too much.

it's inspired by the billie fanfiction "st. mary's" by peep. if y'all loved her book then i'm sure you're really going to enjoy this one.

i love you all so much and i'm ALWAYS on wattpad, my dms are open. you can also follow me on my wattpad twitter @billiesbbmomma for updates and possible sneak peaks for the new book.

yall can follow me on insta @kiraaisu , my dms are always open there as well!

i love you all so much and thank you so much for reading! stay tuned!

-symone