tw: mentions of self harm

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searing pain.

searing pain in my back shoots me back into reality, and i open my eyes, the sound of the train chugging away filling my ears. my eyes land on the train, going at its same steady pace, without us on it.

then i realize that billie's in my arms.

i quickly search her head for any blood or wounds, and sigh in relief when i see none. she's still breathing, so i tilt her chin up with my fingers, looking at her face. she's hyperventilating, with her eyes screwed shut, her fingers tightly clutching my shirt.

"billie." i whisper, ignoring the pain in my back. billie's still hyperventilating, and shaking slightly, her eyelids still tightly pressed together.

"billie." i say a bit louder this time, shaking her. she opens her eyes, and looks up at me, her eyes widening.

"we're- we're not dead?" she asks, in a voice quieter than a whisper. i shake my head, "no, we're not dead. we made it, just like i said we would." i look down at her arms, seeing a few scrapes on them. "are you hurt?" i ask, "besides the cuts and scrapes, i mean." she shakes her head. "no, i'm fine."

i sit up, bringing billie with me, taking in a deep breath. i look around me, taking in our surroundings, seeing a few buildings in the near distance, and the sounds of traffic.

"thank fuck we're near a city, and not in a forest or something." i sigh in relief, running a hand through my hair. "we don't have a long way to walk until we reach civilization. are you sure you aren't hurt?"

she shakes her head.

"what about you?" she asks.

suddenly the pain in my back comes back full force, actually making me stumble a little, and i take in a deep breath in an attempt not to let out any sounds of pain. "yeah, on my back." billie walks behind me and lifts up my shirt, pulling her phone out from her backpack and turning on the flashlight, gasping as soon as she does. "holy shit dude, you have a big ass gash on your back! what happened?"

"i hit a part of the track." i shrug. "how bad is it?"

"really bad. i can see some white meat."

i suck my teeth in annoyance, rolling my eyes at myself. "whatever, i'll be fine, let's go."

"no, we're not going." she says, dropping her backpack and unzipping it, digging around in it until she pulls out a first aid kit. without a word, she douses the gash in alcohol. the stinging sensation is more than i can handle, and i bite my bottom lip, tasting blood quickly after. billie dabs at the gash with a cotton pad, then wraps gauze around me, tightening it before closing it up. she packs up her first aid kit and puts her backpack back on her shoulders, nodding her head. "now we can go."

i raise an eyebrow, "where the hell did you learn to do that?"

she doesn't answer, so i just start walking, and she naturally follows beside me.

"i used to cut." she tells me, as we walk in the direction of the city. i'm not surprised at her words, it makes sense, all the shit she's been through. and i had seen her scars, on her thighs, the day that i ate her out. 

"i need verbal consent. yes or no?"

"yes."

i don't let a second go by, moving back down to her legs and spreading them apart. "well ain't this a pretty sight?" i mumble, letting my fingers run through her folds. as i'm doing so, something on her inner thighs catch my eye.

cut marks. on both.

i won't ask about this now, as this would be a really bad time, but i'll make a mental note to ask her about them later.

billie gasps at the feeling of my fingers, and that's my cue to get to work.

"so i did first aid on myself pretty often. my parents never suspected a thing." she says quietly, and i can tell that that's the end of that conversation, so i let it be. i reach over and grab her hand, lacing my fingers together with hers. she smiles, and i know that this made her feel better about her memories of self harm resurfacing.

"thank you for holding me when you jumped, by the way. saved me from some injuries." she says, glancing up at me, giving me a goofy smile. "you're welcome." i shrug. "if anyone were to die, it would be me instead of you. i tried to shelter you from majority of the blow."

she smiles, looking down at her feet as we stride across the gravel and the dirt. "thank you, jahseh."

"you're welcome." i say again, squeezing her hand. 

it's still pitch black outside, most likely around eleven pm or twelve in the morning. the lights from the city nearby are our north star, directing us in its location.

"we'll stay at a hotel for tonight." i rasp, feeling tiredness hit me. "i don't think we'll have to break into a motel."

"welcome to texas." she responds softly, and i squeeze her hand. "where everything is bigger and better."

and soon we reach a hotel, we just stopped at whichever was closest.

i pay for a room and we step into an elevator, on the way to the top floor. suddenly, the elevator stops and opens, and a skinny darkskinned kid steps in, on his phone, with a cigarette in his mouth. billie takes a step back glancing up at me before looking back at the darkskinned boy. he presses a button on an elevator, the ground floor, and leans on the wall, putting his attention back on his phone.

its quiet for a bit as the elevator ascends to billie and i's floor, but the boy next to us sucks in a breath.

"aye vro, you okay? you bleeding." he points to my back, and i look behind me, struggling to see, but i do manage to spot blood on my shirt, meaning that i bled through the gauze. "yeah, i'm fine." i respond, dismissing him. "you sure? maybe you should go to a hospital, it looks pretty bad."

"i'll suture it up." billie speaks up. the boy looks at billie, as if he's noticed her for the first time. he looks at me, then smirks, nodding to billie. "that's your snowbunny?"

i clench my teeth at his words, holding myself back from whatever venom i'm about to spit at him, realizing that he most likely doesn't know any better.

"shut your mouth." is all i resolve to say.

"shit okay, no need to get defensive." he puts his hands up in surrender. "but for real though, you need to go to a hospital? i'll call an uber, that shit looks bad. i don't know how much you trust her stitching skills." he says, nodding to billie.

eh, he's right.

but i don't trust him.

"he's not wrong, seh." billie says softly, looking up at me with her eyes, her gray eyes. i shake my head, "you're too trusting. we don't even know him."

"i trusted you, didn't i?" she shrugs, raising an eyebrow. "and it worked out just fine."

"still-"

"aye, i'm right here." the boy waves, gaining billie and i's attention. at this moment, the elevator door opens. we're on our floor.

"y'all can go to y'alls room and try to stitch that up bootleg style, or y'all can let me call y'all an uber to the hospital. i'm on my way out of here anyway."

i look at billie, and she shrugs, her eyes telling me to say yes. i'm sure she doesn't want the burden and responsibility of suturing me up. i sigh and roll my eyes, looking at the boy. "fine. we'll go with you."

"bet." he says, tapping his screen a few times, and he looks up at us. "uber on it's way." by this time, the elevator is already on its way back down to the ground floor.

"i'm ski by the way." he reaches his hand out to dap me up, and i accept it, my eyes wandering across his face, the "very rare" tattoo under his eye standing out. "jahseh."

"jahseh? where you from?" he asks, taking a drag from his cigarette. "florida." he opens his mouth again but i stop him. "i'm jamaican."

"ahhh, there it is." he points his cigarette in billie's direction. "what about you, ashley?"

"i'm billie, nice to meet you." billie laughs at ski's joke, and and ski responds to billie's smile with his own. "yeah, you didn't look like you had a traditional white girl name. what's with the backpacks?"

billie goes to speak but i grab her wrist, shutting her up. "you asking too many questions, vro."

"'vro'? where'd you get that from? you copying me?" ski narrows his eyes. i groan inwardly, "i been saying that shit. i made it up."

"that's a damn lie, i made that shit up." ski says, pointing to the "very rare" tattoo under his eye. "got the shit tatted on my face."

"maybe we just thought of the same thing, dude, no need to bust a nut over it." i shrug, hoping to end the conversation. ski rolls his eyes, thankfully catching on to my hint.

the elevator opens and we walk out into the lobby, sitting down on one of the couches, waiting for the uber to arrive. ski opens his mouth.

"aye, if you don't mind me asking, how you get hurt?" he asks, referring to my back. "i had to break her fall." i say. ski furrows his eyebrows in confusion, and billie laughs, finding it funny that he doesn't know what i'm talking about. "what-"

"no more questions." i cut him off, becoming frustrated. i lean back against the couch, letting out an exhausted sigh, feeling my body literally deflate as the air leaves my body. billie lays back with me, putting her head on my shoulder. "are you okay?" she asks softly, "does it still hurt as bad as it did earlier?"

"it hurts worse." i mumble, shutting my eyes. "yeah, maybe it was the right decision to take you to a hospital."

"billie, are you sure you didn't get hurt anywhere?" i ask her, changing the subject. i feel her shake her head, "just a few cuts and scrapes. like you said, you broke most of my fall."

i get an idea, smirking as i visualize it in my head. "we should take a warm soapy bath when we get back, to sterilize your cuts." i say, and billie lifts her head off my shoulder. "we? bath?"

"of course, why not?" i ask, laughing at her reddening face. "good grief." she shakes her head, looking away from me. i bring my mouth to her ear. "i'd lick the grief right off your lips." i rasp, gripping her thigh. if i thought her face was red before, it's ten times redder now. her neck tics to the side and she groans in annoyance, the sudden tic attack obviously ruining her mood. her neck tics a few times, and her eyes dart from side to side, and side to side again.

"fuck." she says loudly, and i can tell she was trying not to yell it out loud. she pulls her backpack off her shoulders and digs around, pulling out a very small bottle, opening it and putting it up to her nose, breathing in deeply.

and the tics stop.

"you good?" ski asks, laughing a little, but i can tell he's holding himself back, unsure if it would be disrespectful to laugh or not. "yeah, i'm straight." she says, capping the little bottle. "and it's okay, you can laugh, i laugh at it sometimes too."

"what's that?" i point to the bottle in her hand. "essential oil. helps with the tics." she gestures to her eyes. "yeah, maybe you need that bath." i tuck her hair behind her ear, and she smiles, the deep indent on her cheek showing itself under her pretty cheekbones.

"yes, i, not we." she giggles, pushing my hand away.

"uber here." ski says, catching our attention. the three of us get up from our spots, and walk out of the lobby, into the night.

it just now clicks in my mind that ski is around our age, wandering around a hotel. what the hell is he doing here on his own? does he live here?

ski leads us to a car and the three of us get in, me in the middle, billie on one side and ski on the other. the guy that's driving pulls off without a sound, and i relax against the seat.

"what time is it, ski?" i ask him.

"1:02 am." he rasps.

i've been feeling really tired, and seeing what time it is, it makes sense. billie and i got up at seven this morning to catch the train so we've been up for a while. i grab her hand and hold it, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb.

"are you living in that hotel by yourself?" i ask out loud, and ski knows that i'm talking to him. "yeah, my parents kicked me out so i don't really got anywhere to stay." he shrugs. "the only way i've been able to stay in that hotel for this long by myself was telling the people in charge that my mom pays for me to stay there, and she just works all day. works like a charm."

"how long you been staying there?"

"'bout two months now." he says, tapping away on his phone. i look at billie and she's on the verge of sleep, her eyelids halfway closed as she rests her head on my shoulder. i realize that i won't be able to take that bath with her like i wanted to, when we get back to the hotel she'll most likely go straight to sleep.

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"thank you, i really appreciate it." i shake ski's hand as we stand outside of our hotel room door, billie rubbing her eyes, attempting to fight the sleep, but i know it's a lost cause. she'll be out like a light the minute she hits the bed.

"no problem vro, that's what i do." he shrugs. he nods his head down the hallway, "i got some weed if y'all wanna smoke some?" he says in a lower voice. the prospect of getting high perks me up, and i raise my eyebrows. "how much you got?"

"a lil baggie or two." he shrugs, trying not to tell all of his business to me. i look at billie and she looks back at me, i know she's way too tired to smoke. but this is too good of an offer to pass up, as i don't have any weed of my own on me right now, i just have edibles.

"billie, you mind if i leave you here for a bit?" i ask. "what happened to 'you're too trusting'?" she asks, quirking an eyebrow. i roll my eyes, my words to her earlier coming back to bite me in the ass. "yes, i did say that, but weed."

she laughs and shakes her head, looking up at the ceiling. "yeah, i'll be fine. have fun." i smile and direct my attention back to ski. "let me get her settled real quick and i'll be back out here."

"aight." ski says, taking a seat on the floor, leaning his back against the wall and tapping away on his phone.

i open our room door and let billie in first, the two of us setting our things down when we reach the bed. billie kicks off her shoes and quickly gets in the bed and under the covers, moaning once her face is against the pillow.

"you sure you'll be aight?" i ask her, pulling on a jacket. she nods, "go, i'll be fine. i'll probably be asleep in the next two minutes." she laughs quietly. "alright, call me if you need anything, yeah?" i lean down and give her a kiss. "i won't be gone for long."

"you'll be missed." she mumbles.

i roll my eyes but i don't try to hold back my smile because it's dark and she can't see me. i open the door to the room and look back at her. "i'll be back." i say, and close the door behind me.

"aight, let's go." i shove my hands in my pockets. ski looks up at me and gets up from his spot on the floor, leading me to the elevator. "seriously, that's your bitch or something? 'cause if not let me have her."

i clench my teeth together for the second time today, trying to pick out my next words carefully in a way that doesn't sound disrespectful. usually i wouldn't give a fuck who i offend, but this random ass nigga was nice enough to take me to a hospital and pay for my stitches. i couldn't treat him like shit now.

"that's my girlfriend." i correct him, "so watch yourself. and you better not try anything with me when we go to your room, i'll kill you."

"i believe you." he laughs, a smoker's laugh. he's way too young to have a smoker's laugh. "how old are you, ski?"

"fifteen, you?"

"same."

"what about blondie back there?"

"she's fourteen."

ski lets out a whistle, "damn, she's young."

"barely any younger than us." i respond. we get in in the elevator and ski presses the button to his floor. "she's pretty though, i'll give her that."

"watch yourself."

"sorry." he mumbles. 

it doesn't take us long to arrive at his floor and walk down the hallway to his room door. he opens it for me and i walk in first, already hit with the smell of weed. this makes me laugh, "how has housekeeping not smelled this yet? smells like a fucking garden in here vro."

"i air it out every morning before housekeeping's nosy ass makes their way in here." he shrugs. despite his disheveled manner, his room is actually quite clean and tidy. i can only imagine where he hides his weed.

i take a seat on the rolling chair and make sure not to relax too much against the seat, because the gash on my back was just stitched up and it still hurts like a bitch.

ski reaches under his mattress and pulls out a baggie of pre-rolled blunts, pulling a lighter out of his pocket also. he wastes no time pulling out one of the pre-rolled blunts and lighting it up, passing it to me and letting me have the first drag out of courtesy.

and we pass back and forth until we're higher than fucking kites.

we have crazy conversations, the topics ranging from what we've been in jail for, to how dirty a street is, to how fat kim k's ass is. we talk about ridiculous shit, serious shit, and everything in between.

i look at the clock and see that its 5:13 am. it shocks me a bit that i've been in ski's room for about three hours. it's time for me to get back to billie.

"aight man, i'll hit you up or some shit." i say, my words slow and spaced out. i stand up, slowly though, as to not make my head hurt from standing up so fast. i pass him my phone, "give me your number."

"unlock the shit first, dumbass." he tosses my phone back to me, letting out a low but obnoxious laugh. i grumble some words - i'm not even sure they were words, probably just sounds - and unlock my phone, handing it to him again. he taps away and hands my phone back to me, his contact labelled as a simple "ski".

"i'm only gonna be in texas for another day - well, today, since it's morning now - and then we'll leave early tomorrow morning. so we'll hang out with you later."

"heard." he nods, laying back on his bed. "now get the fuck out of my room."

"nice smoking with you too, goofy ass nigga." i laugh, letting myself out of his room. i walk down the hallway without a worry, feeling light and airy. the weed had definitely kicked in a long time ago, and i was grateful for it, these past few hours have been very stressful.

i unlock our room door and close it quietly behind me, walking in to see billie fast asleep in the bed, as expected. i kick off my shoes and take off my jacket, getting in the bed with her, knowing i smell like a weed garden.

i get in between her legs and go to rest my face on her chest, but the softness in that area catches me off guard.

she's not wearing a bra. she must have taken it off sometime during the night.

"hey, seh. 'bout time you got back." her voice startles me. she woke up quick.

"sorry i took so long." i mumble. i shouldn't do this, but i'm high, so fuck it. i lift up her shirt and go under, resting my face on her bare tits. i've never felt anything softer in my life.

to my surprise she doesn't tell me to get from under her shirt, she just plays with my hair, wrapping her legs around me. "hm, the sun is gonna come up soon." she says. "what's our plan?"

"we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." i say, trying not to wear off my high by thinking. sounds dumb, i know.

"fair. night night, seh."

"night night."

-

written on sunday, march 7th, 2021 & monday, march 8th, 2021

published on tuesday, march 9th, 2021

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