wednesday, august 17th, 2016

"another day, another shift." i say, sitting down at the barstool at the icecream bar. jahseh gives me a kiss on the cheek before leaving me with jill, and he puts his cute little nametag on, going in the back.

"i know that's right." jill agrees with me, pressing a few buttons on the cash register. her face lights up like she's just remembered something. "jahseh!" she yells.

"ma'am?" jahseh comes from the back, his clipboard in his hand. i giggle quietly at his use of "ma'am", i'll never understand that shit. sounds very much like a southern thing. i grew up on the west coast so we don't know much about manners.

"there's a shipment of shot glasses that i ordered that just came in, but it's at the warehouse a few blocks away." she grabs her purse and pulls out a piece of paper, which i'm assuming has the proof of purchase on it, and hands it to jahseh. "take this up there and and they should give you the shipment. take your time, there's no rush." she says. jahseh nods and is about to walk off, but he turns back to me, pulling me into a light hug.

"be right back." he mumbles into my ear. "alright, be safe." i respond, and he gives me a kiss and walks off before i can say anything else, my face reddening because jill is right there. he opens the front door, "be careful!" jill yells after him, and jahseh waves, before setting off down the street.

jill turns her attention to me and leans on the counter with her arms, giving me a sweet, but curious smile.

"i know it's none of my business, but you two are so cute. it's so refreshing to see young love." she says whimsically, glancing up at the ceiling dramatically in wonder before setting her eyes back down on me. i wave her off playfully, shaking my head. "there's nothing much going on between us. he's quite a character though, i'll say that." i nod.

"well he introduced you as his girlfriend, i'm sure that's not 'nothing'." she wiggles her eyebrows mischievously. "i really don't know what we are, if i'm being honest." i shrug. "we literally met like ten days ago, and all of a sudden he wants to name me as his girlfriend."

jill adjusts herself in her chair behind the register, and sweeps her bangs out of her face, which is a accompanied by a semi-loose dark brown ponytail.

"you can't control how you feel, sweetie. love has no time limit."

"love?" i raise an eyebrow. "i don't know. i wouldn't describe it as love."

"please, do you see the way he looks at you?" she asks, making a "pffft" sound with her mouth. "that boy has all the love in the world for you." the nervousness that arises in me after she finishes causes a tic in my eyebrow, and i shake my head in an attempt to shake it off. "love is a strong word."

"it's a strong feeling too, that's why there's a strong word to describe it."

"i don't know if i love him..." i say in a shameful voice, twiddling my thumbs. "and that's okay. it's okay not to know when you love someone yet, or when you can't reciprocate the feelings at all. that's okay. both of you are still young, there's no rush." she takes a deep breath, "you said that all of a sudden he named you his girlfriend, well honey, are you in a situation you don't wanna be in?"

her words hit me like a smack in the face, her question forcing me to come to terms with my feelings and emotions for jahseh.

"no." i blurt out. "i like him. i like being around him. i want to be with him, it's just... i don't know, it's just new. i've never been in a relationship, and i've honestly never liked someone like this before. yeah, i've had little schoolgirl crushes but this? this is the real thing." i say, the last sentence being more of a confirmation to myself of my feelings. "i like him, i like him a lot ms. jill, it's just that- i'm broken, and i'm not done healing. i don't know if getting caught up with another person is the best thing." ms. jill holds her chin up with one of her hands, looking at me with sincere eyes, as if she's about to bestow wisdom on me. "billie, darling, yes, it's true that you should always work on yourself, and that your health is the most important. but you shouldn't let your past get in the way of your future. your obstacles should lead to your success, not obstruct it. you get what i'm saying?"

"yeah." i nod, going back to twiddling with my thumbs. "instead of telling me how you feel, you should be telling him. i'm sure if both of you just sat down and discussed things with one another, that it would clear the air and make things much more out in the open." she looks around the shop, the only person around is riley, and she's helping a customer pick out name jewelry. "wanna know a secret? that boy walks around like a lost puppy when you're not within five feet of him. he's already attached himself, i can see it."

her words make me blush. does he really?

"if you don't love him, that's okay, let him know. he'd appreciate you being honest." she gives me a warm smile. i nod, "thank you ms. jill, that means a lot."

"also, it's so cute that your parents let you go on vacation together." she says, and my eyes widen slightly at her words, but it quickly registers that this must have been the lie that jahseh told ms. jill in order to get hired.

"i'll tell you a secret, ms. jill, but you can't tell anyone, okay? can i trust you?" i ask. "pinky promise." she says, and we both lock pinkies. "jahseh and i aren't on vacation, we ran away from home. we're headed to georgia. crazy, right?" jill's eyes widen, and she tilts her head. "you're serious?"

"deadass serious." i tell her, giving her a smile afterwards. jill and i let go of each other's pinkies, and she takes in a deep breath. "wow, i never would have expected that. but i guess it makes sense, you two seem like an odd couple. and you did say you just met ten days ago. i guess that kind of makes sense, right?" she pauses, as if she's trying to convince herself. "jahseh said he was only here for a week, so by the end of this week, you two are...?"

"gone, on the next train to texas." i tell her.

"damn." she says, "i've only known you two for three days, but i'm gonna miss you crazy kids. the only thing i can say is be safe, you know? the world isn't an easy place."

"don't i know it?" i laugh bitterly, shaking my head. jill gestures to the ice cream bar. "want some ice cream? on the house."

jill fixes me up some soy ice cream with all the extra toppings, and she goes back to work as i indulge in this ice cream like the fatass i am.

i'm almost done with the bowl, and a pair of arms around my waist catch me by surprise. "that looks good, tryna share?" jahseh's raspy voice in my ear brings me comfort, and i relax in his hold. "yeah, you for real?"

"mhm."

i scoop some ice cream onto my spoon and feed it to jahseh, but the way he slowly licks the ice cream off his lips makes me squeeze my legs shut.

"huh, didn't think soy ice cream would taste that good." he mumbles, kissing my neck, "when i'm done with my shift, let's get out of here." he whispers in my ear. "weren't we gonna do that anyway?" i laugh. "no i mean, let's go somewhere."

"jahseh onfroy, are you asking me out on a date?" i ask, turning around on my barstool, making him retract his arms. he smiles, and shrugs his shoulder. "i guess so." he says softly. "well," i stand up and come toe to toe with him looking up into his chocolate brown eyes, "i'd love to go out on a date with you, jahseh."

a smile overtakes his face, and i can tell that it's involuntary, because he shakes his head lightly. "damn, you don't know how happy i am to hear you say that." i quirk an eyebrow, "do i have to dress up or anything?" he looks down at my black cargo pants and baggy gray shirt, shaking his head. "nope. what you're wearing is just fine. and besides, i like when you dress in the big clothes, my imagination goes wild when i think about what's under there." his voice gets raspier and raspier with each word, and when he winks it's enough to make me melt.

"whoa there, tiger." i laugh lowly, putting my hand on his chest and pushing him away a bit, trying to break some of the tension. ever since yesterday, when jahseh... you know, ate me out, the sexual tension has been as high as it's ever been.

"i like making you nervous." he laughs, leaning closer and kissing my forehead. "when my shift is over."

"when your shift is over." i repeat, and he pulls away, walking off.

well damn.

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"pass me some of those." jahseh says, nodding to the bag of takis in my hand. i take three out and hand them to him, and he wastes no time putting them in his mouth.

it's dark out, the only thing illuminating us and the surrounding area are the few lights that are still on in buildings or businesses. jahseh and i are sitting atop a hill, one we stumbled upon when we went exploring, the exploring part being apart of our "date". jahseh went all out and bought us some snacks, and we came to this hill a bit ago, just sitting, eating and talking. yeah, it's not a fancy shmancy date, but this is enough. jahseh being here makes it enough.

the moonlight and the fluorescent lights mix together, softly lighting up jahseh's face, the tattoos scratched into his skin standing out amongst his perfect, immaculate skin. fifteen years old, and not one bit of acne in sight. he was really blessed.

i suddenly think of my conversation with jill earlier, and realize that this is the perfect opportunity to execute what we talked about.

"jahseh?"

"hm?"

"am i really your girlfriend?" i ask shyly. jahseh instantly turns his head to look at me. "do you not wanna be my girlfriend?" he asks, nonchalant and calm. i look down at my thumbs and twiddling them around, shrugging my shoulders. "yeah, that'd be nice."

"okay then." he shrugs, turning his attention back to the buildings and people below us. "it's just, it was so sudden. you didn't even formally ask me, you kind of just said it and it was done, you know? and it's all so fast, i've only known you for ten days-"

"love has no time restriction, billie." he cuts me off, and his use of the word love makes my heart skip a beat. his words remind me of ms. jill's. but wait.

he loves me?

he's said it.

"there's no rules on how fast you're allowed to fall for someone. if it happens, it happens. if it's natural, that's all that matters." he says, glancing at me now. he sets down the bag of cheetos in his hand and turns his body completely to face me. out of courtesy, i copy his actions completely.

as we stare into each other's eyes, the silence couldn't be more deafening, as the sound of the world around us sinks in our ears, making the tension between us louder and more intense.

"it's not going to be easy for me to say this," he starts, "because i'm not really good with my emotions, or expressing them. so please... bear with me." he takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair, then forces himself to look into my eyes.

"my feelings are very strong for you, billie." he says. "i think... that i love you." he confesses, and my eyes widened more than they ever have before. "i say that 'i think', because it's hard to come to terms with it, and saying it properly will only make it that much more real." he sighs, shaking his head. "but i can't say that i don't, because then i would be lying to myself and to you. i know we've only known each other for a short time, but i love you billie." he pauses after saying it, as if the words hit him like a ton of bricks, and it, like he said, made it that much more real.

"and so i'd really appreciate it if-" he cuts himself off. "i'd really like you to-" he cuts himself once more, groaning in frustration. "i'd really- it'd really make me happy if you'd be my girlfriend."

once i get the formal question i've been waiting on, i feel the urge to answer right away, but i hold myself back, allowing his words to sink into my mind.

he loves me.

"of course i'd be your girlfriend, you fucking nutjob." i giggle, pushing his arm lightly. he literally deflates, all the tension and nervousness in his body leaking out of him. "fuck, you have no idea how fast my heart was racing." he chuckles, rubbing a hand over his face. i put a hand to my chest playfully. "me? making your heart race?" as if to prove it to me, he grabs my hand and presses it against his chest, and just as he said, his heart was beating so fast that i thought it'd explode.

"do you believe me now?" he asks softly.

"hell yeah, it's beating so hard it must hurt." i laugh. "it actually kinda does, not even gonna lie to you."

there's a comfortable silence as jahseh lets go of my hand, and we just look into each other's eyes, and i know that it's time for me to address the elephant in the room.

"i think i love you too jahseh." i blurt out, and i bite my lip. he smiles, putting his hand on the side of my face and bringing me closer, our lips are almost touching.

"i hope you mean it." he whispers, giving me a short, soft kiss and pulling it away, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. "unfortunately, i do." i laugh with a small smile.

"unfortunately, you do."

-

written on friday, february 19th, 2021

published on monday, february 22nd, 2021

-

i'm getting back into my little swing! and i'm so excited for what's in store for this story.

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i love you all and thank you all so much for sticking around and reading!

-symone