i stand under the hot shower water, basking in the stinging sensation that burns my skin. the last time we showered we were at the pool, showering with the freezing cold water. so i really don't mind if this water burns me.

that was a close call back there, i don't want to expose everything about myself to jahseh just yet.

well, that sounds stupid, i already told him about how i was raped, there's definitely  no going back from that.

i sigh softly, trying not to be overcome by my raging thoughts. it's taking everything in me not to let my past cause a throbbing in my head, god i'm surprised i haven't had a stress attack or something yet.

i get through with washing myself and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself and looking at myself in the small motel mirror.

my blonde hair sticks to my face, clumped up by the water, and my skin looks blotchy and red from the scalding hot water. my eyes look a little tired, but bags haven't formed yet.

i look away from myself and fully dry off, then pull my clothes on. i dry my hair off with the towel, examining the strands. 

i should really cut my ends.

i shake it off and gather my old clothes, putting the towel on the towel holder and swinging the bathroom door open.

jahseh eyes snap away from the tv and find mine, as he scans over my appearance. he's already under the covers and has made himself comfortable.

"was the water still hot?" he asks, tilting his head. "yeah." i nod. "really hot, actually, but i didn't mind." i shrug, putting my clothes inside my duffle bag and getting under the covers with him, laying on my side.

facing him.

"what happened back there?" he asks me, and i'm assuming he's talking about when i had that little flashback, just when he was getting out of the shower.

i avert my eyes from his, tracing the pattern of the sheet with my index finger. "i just had some thoughts about my past, that's all. it wasn't anything too extreme, it just popped into my head. i was overthinking a little, about this whole... situation. like, how we're going to get from here to georgia without getting caught."

jahseh nods, "i've been traveling for eight months, and i haven't got caught yet. i've found my way around, whether it be stealing or finessing - i'm not proud of it, but i do what i have to do." he says in a thoughtful voice. "if you want me to be completely honest with you, you're a liability. to my situation. but i can handle the risk. you're gonna be okay with me, as long as you comply with what i say."

my eyes wander back to his, and they're stone cold, black and empty.

"what's behind those eyes?" i ask impulsively, in a low whisper. he squints. "what do you mean?"

"your eyes are always so empty, like there's no life behind them." i elaborate to him. his face softens in understanding, "i don't think of them so much as looking empty, i think of them as being exhausted and drained." he explains. "they've just seen a lot." he sighs, lowering his eyelids slightly, and i can see his body deflate a little.

"sorry for bringing it up." i mumble. he shakes his head, his eyelids still low. "it doesn't matter whether it's spoken about or not, it's always in my head. so it's not your fault."

after a few seconds of comfortable silence, jahseh unexpectedly wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him, and finally looks me in my eyes.

"what about you?" he asks. "what else is hiding behind those eyes?"

"more than i care to think about." i whisper. "at least, right now."

he pulls me even closer to him, leaning in slowly and putting his soft lips on mine, giving me one simple kiss and pulling away, but only a little, as his lips are basically just brushing against mine.

"we don't have to talk about it." he whispers against my lips. "we can just lie here and be silent, if you want."

the mere tease of his lips barely a millimeter away from mine drives me insane, and the temptation is too much.

"just kiss me." i respond, and he wastes no time putting his lips back on mine, and our lips move together, softly, and slowly, as if time doesn't exist and we're in our own realm, and it's just us, each other.

jahseh's hand slides up my shirt and i try not to let it catch me off guard, but once his hand reaches my ribcage he stops, and doesn't move it any higher. honestly, i'm grateful for this, because i don't know if i'm ready to progress any more than that.

jahseh's lips slowly pull from mine, and he looks me in my eyes, the emptiness no longer there, it's been replaced by lust. intense lust. it's practically radiating off of him.

"don't worry." he mumbles, "i'm not gonna do anything."

he moves down a little, and i feel his lips on my neck. he sucks softly, and tingle that spreads through my body makes me gasp quietly. i feel the sensation in my chest, my stomach, my legs, my feet, and most importantly...

jahseh bites down on my neck and i let out a soft moan. this seems to amuse him, because he stops for a split second, and i could swear i hear him take in a deep breath. after that split second, his lips are right back on my neck, sucking and biting.

"jahseh." i whisper lightly. "hm?" he hums onto my neck. "maybe we should- maybe we should stop before we get ahead." i say, and he ceases with his actions, pulling away. "your wish is my command, sunshine. but remember what i said."

"one day i'll destroy you, just know that."

"i have no choice but to." i roll my eyes playfully, as if i wasn't just putty in jahseh's hands a second ago. "as long as you know." he smirks, putting his hands behind his head, relaxing himself. "are you tired?" i ask. he shakes his head, "not really. like i said earlier, i'm just drained overall. but at the moment, no, i'm not tired. i'll most likely just stay up and watch tv." he turns his head to me. "are you?"

i shrug, fiddling with the sheet.

"i guess we'll stay up together then."

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

i slowly open my eyes, scanning the motel room, watching as the sunshine flows through the blinds. i notice jahseh's tight grip on me, rolling my eyes. my hand reaches around for my phone, and once i find it i check the time.

3:29 pm

damn, we slept a long time.

i set my phone down and run a hand through my hair, relaxing back onto the bed. a little more sleep won't hurt. honestly, this is a surprisingly soft bed for a motel-

wait a goddamn second.

i check the time on my phone once again, and my eyes widen. i sit up straight instantly and i shake jahseh.

"jahseh wake up!" i say in a panicked voice. he groans, opening his eyes. "what?" he rasps.

"the train leaves in half an hour, we have to go!" i say, and he sits up too, running a hand through his dreads. "fuck." he mumbles. "go, hurry up, get dressed." he tells me.

i practically jump out of the bed and pull on a hoodie, my socks and shoes. i rush in to the bathroom and wash my face and brush my teeth, and i notice a light pink hickey on my neck. memories from last night flood into my head and i smile lightly, but realize the situation at hand, and rush out of the bathroom. as soon as i leave the bathroom jahseh goes in right behind me.

i zip up my duffle bag and make sure all of my clothes are in there, and my food and everything else.

jahseh comes out of the bathroom, his expression still tired, but he throws his backpack on anyway, opening the motel door.

"let's go." he rasps, waiting for me to go first. i walk out of the door and i feel a light sting on my behind, and i whip my body around, looking at jahseh. he has a small smirk on his face, and his head is tilted to the side. "you gonna do something about it?"

i smile softly, shaking my head. "no." i turn back around and continue walking down the stairs, with him following behind me.

"why did we sleep for so long?" jahseh asks as we speedwalk towards the direction of the tracks.

"shit, i really don't know. maybe it was because that bed was so soft." i mumble. jahseh puts an arm around my neck, "maybe i was holding you so well that it put you in a state of peace." he says with a smile, and i snort at his comment. "oh please, don't flatter yourself."

"but- but seriously though." jahseh says after a little laughter of his own. "i think that our energies finally became content with one another, and that allowed all tension to slide away, and so you and i became at peace with each other. which leads to more relaxation, hence, better sleep." he says, and i glance up at him. "that is a smart way of looking at it. i didn't even think about it like that."

"of course you didn't, i'm an intellectual." he says in a bragging tone. i scoff playfully and remove his arm from my shoulder, the train tracks now in our sights. i pull out my phone and check the time.

3:52 pm

"we should hurry up." i tell him, and he nods, and the two of us pick up the pace.

soon we reach the tracks and jahseh opens the car door, and i throw my duffle bag in there, hopping up into the car. jahseh does the same, getting into the car and closing the door.

"home sweet train car." jahseh sighs, laying down and putting his hands behind his head with his knees up.

i giggle, "well when you say it like that you make the motel bed seem like a master resort suite."

"it kind of was, compared to this." he shrugs.

"so what's the plan after this?" i ask him, sitting beside him. "we should be out of california soon." he says, and this actually shocks me a bit, because that was pretty quick, we've been riding this train for almost a week, actually. well, with all the train stops and stuff, the ride's been prolonged a bit.

"we should be in arizona by later tonight." he tells me, and i nod.

"i have a lot of money saved up." he tells me. i quirk an eyebrow. "is that so?"

"i have a bank account, that my mom set up for me a while ago. i'm not as cautious as you, because i'm not on the run, so i use the money that's in my account, with my card. my family and friends know that i'm gone." he shrugs. "two hundred dollars is added to my bank account every month. i'm assuming it's my mom. she knows that i'm gone and she's trying to make sure that i have enough money to last me wherever the hell i'm going."

"so how much money is in there now?" i ask. "well, i've been gone for eight months, plus the money that i've made working odd jobs along the way... almost two thousand."

i choke on my spit, and cough a couple times before regaining my composure. "two-two thousand?"

"i don't steal everything i have, you know. i have money." he raises an eyebrow. i nod, glancing away for a second before looking back at him. "so what do we do?"

"once we reach arizona, we'll settle down for a bit." he tells me. "i'll pay for us to stay in a hotel. and i'll get a job there."

"a job? aren't we supposed to be on the move?" i ask. "there's nothing wrong with making a little extra money. besides, we need to keep ourselves occupied. i would say that you should get a job too, but you might get recognized."

"most likely." i shrug. "but it's like, i look like every other white bitch out there, i blend in pretty well. i don't think i'd get recognized as quickly."

"you mentioned dyeing your hair. you should go through with that. change up your appearance."

"i wanna dye it though."

"what color?"

"silver. or white. either one."

"yeah, that's a good idea." i say, running a hand through my hair. "i'm gonna get my ends cut too. i have so many splits."

"i'll take you somewhere to get it done." jahseh says, and i shake my head lightly. "shouldn't i just do it myself? it'll cost much less."

"you don't wanna take any risks dyeing your hair for the first time, especially doing it yourself. and as for cutting your hair? just let a professional do it. it'll end up much better."

i sigh, giving in. "alright."

-

written on saturday, january 23rd, 2021 & sunday, january 24th, 2021

published on friday, february 5th, 2021

-

hey everyone! back with another update.

i'm at my school rn about to take a test lmao but i thought i'd update before i'd be locked down for two hours into this room, and before i go back home.

i'm definitely gonna work on making the chapters longer for you guys, but that's not gonna happen until after chapter 11, because all those chapters are already written.

you guys have been getting crossroads updates everyday this week! y'all is really out here getting FED.

i love you all so much, thank you for reading!

-symone