saturday, august 20th, 2016

three days later

tw: mentions of rape

i help billie onto the train before getting on myself, and i immediately toss my backpack onto the floor of the car, flopping myself down into a comfortable laying position. "damn, were you that tired?" she asks with a laugh, carefully setting down her backpack. a couple days ago i went and bought her a big backpack, so that she wouldn't have to be carting that duffel bag around.

"hell yeah, it's still early in the morning." i answer her, putting my arm over my eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep.

it's been a week since we arrived in arizona, which means that it was time for us to leave, and get on the next train to texas. we'll only stay in texas for a day or two, then we'll be on the move again. ever since i confessed my love for billie, and she did the same, things around us have been a tiny bit easier. yeah, we have our tense moments, but it's not as uncomfortable as it would be sometimes. now that our feelings are out in the open, and both of us are aware, it just makes things easier.

the sexual tension has gotten worse though.

i want nothing more than to rip billie apart, that's just how i am. but her past forces me into a difficult position, one where i'm to be gentle and slow, to savor and to enjoy, any and everything that she is.

it's out of my comfort zone, yes, but i'm always up for a challenge.

i've never really taken the time to get to know a person like this, usually i just get what i want and move on with my life, but with billie, i'm grateful for the challenge that she has presented me, because now i'm actually getting to know her, and everything about her.

like how her favorite color is green, and how she likes to dress as wild as possible to catch people's attention.

or how her eyes change colors, from a soft baby blue, to a sharp light grey, to a muddy green.

or how she has a book of songs and poems, that of which no one's ever seen but her.

or how she has very faint freckles that dance around her little nose.

or how bean burritos are her favorite food. well, that was obvious, really, anyone with a brain would be able to notice that about her.

she's beautiful, intelligent, and sees the world from an entirely different perspective. she's constantly pointing out what a sound smells like, or what shape a color has. she's quite fascinating, really, and she keeps me on my toes. she herself is a challenge, she's not easy like a lot of girls. she intrigues me, and that's what i like about her.

like billie mentioned earlier, it's early in the morning, like seven am. we got up so we could catch the train, so i'm still hella tired. and i wouldn't mind cuddling with billie while i try to go to sleep.

"billie." i say lowly.

"yeah?"

"come cuddle with me."

and in a matter of seconds, i feel billie get down on the floor with me, her body close to mine, and her arm thrown around me. i move the arm that's covering my eyes, and wrap both of my arms around billie, pulling her closer than she's already is. sometimes i pull her so close to me that i think of it as her being pulled into me, into my spirit, my mind, my heart and my well being.

"someone's sleepy." she rasps into my ear, and i can't help but laugh, because it's the only thing keeping me from being turned on by her voice. "shut up and hold me." i respond, and she rests her face against my chest, melting against me.

i never thought i'd find comfort and stability in someone like this. i've lived my life easily by just blocking out people and their shit, i have enough problems with myself, i don't need anybody else's issues clouding my judgement and my life. but with billie, it's different. i want to care for her. i want to love her. i want to invest my time, energy and effort into her. everything about her makes this worth it. but this is very new to me, this feeling, this want, so i'm trying to feel it out.

i didn't mean to move so fast, but i didn't want to prolong it, i didn't want to deny my feelings any longer. it scared me, honestly, to confess my feelings, to say the words out loud, to make them true, but once i did, i felt so much better.

"billie."

"hm?"

"i love you."

"i love you too, seh."

and the words that have just come out of her mouth do nothing but fill me with warmth and love. i've never been this comfortable saying "i love you" to someone that wasn't my mother or little brother. and for it to flow so easily off my tongue now... that's progress, right?

after a bit of comfortable silence, i'm in and out of sleep, when i feel billie's little hand on my stomach, shaking me gently.

"jahseh." she says softly. "hm?"

"can i tell you something?" she asks, and i open my eyes to see her biting her lip, almost as if she's nervous. "anything." i respond. she props herself up on her elbow, fiddling with her fingers. "remember when i told you that i was getting sent to boarding school, because my brother tried to frame me for shit sometimes, and because they believed him when they said i raped him?"

"yeah." i reply, awaiting whatever confession she's about to come out with.

"well, that's only partly why they were about to ship me off." she says, taking in a quiet, but deep breath. "after my brother raped me, and after my parents believed him, i just got so sick of everything. so i started to do dumb shit, like shoplifting, and vandalizing buildings, and staying out late, roaming central park and the city too. i've-" she pauses, biting her lip once more, "i've been arrested four times, three counts of petty theft and one count of destruction of public property."

"well look at you, sunshine, bucking against the law and shit." i smile, and she looks relieved at my response. "i thought-"

"i'm not gonna judge you, i've been in juvie for much worse." i shrug. "four times? no wonder they wanted to ship you off." i search her face, "what did you steal?"

"just small shit." she shrugs. "snacks, lip gloss, you name it."

"probably not worth going to juvie for."

"yeah, you're right." she says in a low voice, looking down.

"well, that definitely fills in all the blanks for me, i was thinking that they couldn't be trying to send you to boarding school just because of your brother's lies. i knew there had to be something else."

"damn, you had doubts about me?" she teases. "of course i did." i respond, "there's no way you were going to be sent to boarding school without you doing something drastic. and those arrests explain why you were so scared to steal from the stores."

"anybody would be scared to steal." she says. a few seconds pass by before she puts her head back on my chest, her little finger tracing shapes on it.

"wanna know a secret?" she asks, "i'm afraid of water." i quirk an eyebrow at her confession, genuinely confused as to how someone can be afraid of water, unless they've had some sort of traumatic experience with drowning or something of the sort.

"why?"

"it's so scary." she says in a small voice, and i look down, to see her hand just tracing random things on my chest at this point, her leg thrown over me for comfort, and her almost platinum blond tresses splashed across my shirt like art. "not the water itself but, all the things that are in the water that kill you. kinda like being afraid of the dark. and it can kill you, if you drown. drowning is always really scary." her voice turns into more of a whisper by the end of her dialogue, and she's silent. i decide to poke and prod about her fear.

"have you ever drowned before?" i ask. she shakes her head, and i can feel it on my chest. "no, but it's just scary to think about. the idea of being in a big body of water literally makes my heart race. hell, i rarely go into a pool."

her words spark an idea in my head. at our stop later today - sometime around nine pm - i'll take her to a pool for a little bit, before we have to get back on the train. she might not love it, but i'll try my best to help her get over her fear. or at least, be a little bit more ease in bodies of water.

"what are you afraid of?" her question catches me off guard, and i stop breathing for a second.

but i continue with my breathing not a second later, already knowing the answer to her question.

"allowing my emotions to consume me." i answer, wrapping my arm around her little waist, and sliding my hand up her shirt only a tiny bit. her breath hitches, and i know i need to keep my hand where it is, and not slide it up any further. physical touch is still something that gets to billie, so i've been trying to take it slow with her in terms of showing my affection physically. i'm limited to holding her and hugging her, but touching her under her clothes is still something that triggers her ptsd.

"why do you say that?" she asks quietly. i mentally shrug, "a person shouldn't allow themselves to be consumed by their emotions, to allow it to become everything that they are. because then, they aren't them, they are their thoughts and emotions. and living life like that is draining and exhausting."

"where the hell have you been, jahseh onfroy?" she asks in a raspy voice with a low chuckle, stroking my cheek with her hand. "you have no business being this wise."

"age is just a number, and the body is just a vessel." i respond softly, and she nods her head in agreement. "truest thing someone could ever say." she yawns after. goodnight, seh." she says, even though its only seven in the morning. "it's only seven-"

"goodnight, seh." she repeats herself. i sigh and roll my eyes, "night."

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"are you sure this is okay?" billie asks, worry and concern written all over her face. "won't we get caught? is this legal?"

"hush, girl." i silence her, and she just walks beside me quietly.

i carried out my plan to take billie to the pool, and it's currently nine pm, and it's dark already. billie didn't give in easily though, when i first proposed the idea.

"hell no. of course not." she shakes her head. "i tell you i'm afraid of water and your first thought is to take me to a pool?"

"of course."  i say with a deadpan expression. "you can't be afraid of water forever, right? you gotta get over it somehow, and what better way than to ease yourself into it? at least i didn't say let's go to a lake or some shit, a pool should be fine."

"no, i don't want to." 

"it'll be romantic." i suggest, and her eyes widen a little. "how?"

"you, me, half-naked, in water, sounds pretty romantic to me." i smile, and eventually she does too, shaking her head in an attempt to hide it. "that still doesn't make me wanna say yes."

"i'll buy you a bathingsuit." i propose. she shrugs, "i don't know, jahseh. i don't want to have a panic attack or anything."

"you're not gonna have a panic attack." i roll my eyes. "remember what i said earlier? about not letting your emotions consume you?" she nods her head. "okay. you'll only have a panic attack if you allow yourself to have one. you'll only be scared if you allow yourself to feel fear. and besides, i'll literally be right there, i'm not gonna let you drown. you don't even have to go past your waist in the water if you don't want to." of course i don't mean this last part, i'll definitely be taking her deeper in the water than that.

she shrugs again, playing with the ends of her hair. "i'll think over it."

she walks beside me in the black one-piece i bought her, with a towel wrapped around her. we've already managed to jump over the fence guarding the pool, and it's completely empty. the lights in the pool are the only source of light. it's kind of, sensual, actually.

"alright, come on, towel off." i tell billie as i take my shirt off, tossing it onto a chair. "but it's cold." she whines. "we're in texas, you can't possibly be cold." she pouts and takes off the towel, tossing it onto the same chair that my shirt's on. she takes off her shoes and so do i, and she just stares into the water with worry, twiddling her thumbs. my eyes graze over her body, and i bite my lip, because honestly she looks so fucking edible. the bathingsuit isn't tight, but it hugs her perfectly, making sure that her slight hourglass figure is visible to all.

"you ready?" i ask her, and she nods timidly. "yeah." she whispers. i grab her hand and lead her to the stairs into the pool, and the two of us step into the shallow end. she's fine now, and we continue to walk further into the pool, but once the water is just below her ribs, she stops.

"i don't know if we should go any further." she says, her eyebrows furrowed. it's silent besides the chirping of nocturnal insects, and the occasional car that zooms by the entrance of the pool. i wrap my arms around billie and continue to walk, bringing her with me. "jah-"

"i got you, i'm literally holding you. nothing's gonna happen." i say. soon we get deep enough that are feet aren't touching the cement anymore, and we've reached the rope that separates us from the deep end.

her arms are wrapped tightly around my neck, and she quietly hyperventilates. "calm down." i say lowly, watching her take in short, quick breaths, as she relishes in the fact that we're floating in the water and our feet aren't touching anything.

"this is scary." she says, her voice cracking, as her breaths get faster and tics overtake her. i wrap her legs around my waist, and she panics. "don't-"

"relax, i got you." i assure her, holding onto her waist tightly. "slow your breathing down. copy me." i take slow, deep breaths, and she struggles to copy me at first, but eventually she gets the hang of it, her breathing back at a normal pace.

"it's not so bad, is it?" i ask quietly, referring to being in the water. she wipes a tear away. "i dunno. it's still kinda scary."

"well i'm holding onto you, how can it be scary?"

"because what if you drop-"

"i'm not gonna let go of you." i say quietly, moving my face closer to hers. "you trust me, right?" i say against her lips. her breathing stops, but she still answers. "of course."

"then trust that i won't let anything happen to you." i say, but i don't mean just in the pool, i mean across the board. i have an attachment to billie, and i'll be damned if i let anything happen to her.

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written on saturday, february 20th, 2021 | sunday, february 21st, 2021 | monday, february 22nd, 2021 & tuesday, february 23rd, 2021

published on saturday, february 27th, 2021

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follow me on twitter @billiesbbmomma for updates!

speaking of twitter there was this girl defending que- i mean number man. she blocked me, and even worse? she's a fan of mine and reads my books.

i responded to her from my billie fan account.

if you guys support que- i mean 8-1, and you stan " quillie " then please unfollow and block me, and stop reading my stories. i don't want to be associated w anyone that supports a child groomer.

anyways, was going to make this chapter a little bit longer but i decided not to prolong it even more. please be patient with me, i'm trying my hardest juggling two books.

honestly, it's melatonin and call me aqsa all over again.

i'm sorry that i'm not updating as frequently as i used to but i'm trying my hardest, and my electronics time is being restricted lots, so i have even LESS time to write.

my boyfriend's birthday is tomorrow i-

i love you guys and tysm for reading!

-symone