i groan softly as my eyes open, taking in my surroundings.

ah, the motel that we broke into last night.

i feel arms around me and look now to realize that they're jahseh's, his tattoo'ed arms wrapped tightly around my small frame, and my face is in his chest. my eyes are level with the "cleopatra" tattoo scrawled across his chest, as his light snores serve as white noise in the otherwise quiet room.

i let my eyes gaze a little higher, to jahseh's peaceful sleeping face.

huh.

i turn my eyes toward the bootleg alarm clock on the nightstand.

7:39 am.

fuck, it's early.

i move slightly to reach my phone but the action is enough to wake jahseh, making him shift, pulling me closer to him. i groan in frustration at this, and jahseh loosens his hold on me.

"sorry. it's a habit." he rasps lowly.

i ignore the butterflies between my legs.

"it's fine." i respond just as quietly. "it's almost eight o'clock." i inform him. jahseh sighs. "guess it's time for us to get up, then."

"i don't wanna get up." i protest, but the real reason i don't want to get up isn't because i'm sleepy, it's because jahseh's hold is quite comfortable. it blankets me with a sense of safety and security.

a blanket that i've never been giving by my parents, or my older brother.

"well we're gonna have to." jahseh lets go of me completely, stretching his arms, letting out a deep breath as he does so. he sits up in the bed, letting his eyes wander around the room. he looks down at me, who's still laying down, and reaches into my hair, entangling his fingers in it and massaging my scalp lightly. "get up, sunshine."

i sigh and roll my eyes at the nickname and sit up in bed too, causing jahseh to take his fingers out of my hair.

"at least now we have a decent place to shower." jahseh shrugs, nodding to the bathroom. "i'll let you go first, little lady."

"thanks." i mumble, getting out of the bed and opening my duffle bag, digging around in it to get new clothes for the day.

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"okay, so here's the plan." jahseh runs a hand through his dreads. "we obviously can't go back on that train, we're gonna get caught. if we're going to arizona, we have to catch a train on an entirely different network." my head tilts at "we".

"'we'?" i ask. "what do you mean?"

"i have to come with you, right? you're not so good at jumping trains and moving in silence without getting caught, this's your first rodeo." he says. i look into his eyes, desperately searching for any bit of background or emotion, but i can't find anything.

"where were you planning on going until i ran into you, onfroy?" i ask with a raised eyebrow. jahseh tenses slightly at my question, squinting his eyes at me. "i actually was trying to hang in california for a bit- but you ruined that." he responds. "i had just got done spending a few days in la, and was gonna head down a bit further to san diego before leaving california. i was thinking about going back to texas for a while." he shrugs.

"so... once you get me to arizona, what are you gonna do?" i ask him. jahseh sighs, glancing to the side for a few seconds, then finally looks back at me. "i honestly haven't made up my mind about that. and if we're being real here, arizona isn't far enough."

"heh?" i squint my eyes at him.

"california and arizona are right next to each other. if you really wanted to run away from your parents, arizona isn't far enough. if they send out a search party they'd find you in a heartbeat." he says.

wait-

damn, he's right,

"fuck, you're right." i run a hand through my hair, a bad habit. "well where should i go?"

"georgia is your best bet." he tells me, "unless you wanna go somewhere else."

"you ever been to new york?" i ask curiously. he nods and i squeal in excitement. "that's so cool! what was it like?"

"no questions right now, i'll tell you all that shit later." he waves me off. "is georgia okay with you?"

"wait a second." i stop him. "aren't you from florida? if you're spotted in georgia-"

"i won't be spotted. i haven't been spotted for eight months, i won't be spotted now. unless you do something to fuck it up and get us caught." he shoots me a look.

"shut up, kill yourself." i roll my eyes, an automatic remark that i always use.

"i already tried, multiple times." jahseh laughs. my eyes widen at his impossibly casual statement. "what-"

"no questions." he groans, interrupting me. "besides, we can't stay here for long, we're gonna get caught. we gotta make a move soon."

"georgia." i say, nodding my head. "that's where we'll go."

"great, now we have to find a train to get us there. give me your phone." i raise an eyebrow and retract from him. "my phone?"

"yes, now give it to me." he holds a hand out for it. "i'm not giving you my-"

"give me the shit." he says angrily, his demeanor changing. "don't fucking talk to me like that." i snap at him. jahseh's large hand quickly finds a way around my throat, his tight grip making my eyes widen in fear.

"watch who the fuck you're talking to, i'll fuck you up." he says through gritted teeth. the look in his face is enough to instill the fear of god in me, and oddly, the grip that his hand has on my neck makes butterflies appear in between my legs.

i... like it when he does this?

i involuntarily bite my lip, and jahseh raises an eyebrow, putting more pressure on my neck. i moan softly, but my face quickly reddens at the unfamiliar sound that comes out my mouth.

"damn, so you're kinky." jahseh laughs cheekily, letting go of my neck. "i obviously don't scare you."

"no, you do, but i'm just doing a good job of hiding it." i smile.

"give me your phone." he demands once more, and i pull it out of my pocket, complying with him and putting it in his hand. "password?" he asks. i grab the phone from him and put my fingerprint in, giving it back to him.

jahseh taps the screen a few times, then his eyes dart from side to side as he reads whatever's on the screen.

"okay, so there isn't any trains from here to georgia. there is however, a train from here to texas. and from there, we can catch a train to georgia." i nod, waiting for him to continue. "it leaves at 4:35 pm, thats nine hours from now. so we have time."

"time to get something to eat, 'cause i'm fucking starving." i say. "we have food in our bags." jahseh says. "i want hot food." i pout. jahseh sighs, "for someone who eats grass, you sure are picky as fuck."

"only the best for a grass eater." i wink.

"fine. pack your shit and come on, we gotta get going anyway." he gets up from the bed, and so do i, beginning to put my clothes from earlier in my duffle bag, zipping it up, and putting my phone in my back pocket.

i put some socks and shoes on, lacing my shoes up and tucking my hair behind my ears. jahseh puts his backpack on, and my eyes drift down to the gold chain around his neck.

"come on." he says quietly, walking towards the front door. i follow him out of the door and down the steps, into the parking lot and now, on the sidewalk parallel to the street.

"the train station isn't far from here, but let's get something to eat." he says. jahseh looks over to me, as cars zoom quickly past me, and moves me over to the inside of the sidewalk, taking my place and walking alongside the curb.

"what was that for?" i ask curiously.

"it was giving me anxiety, you walking so close to the road. one wrong step and you'd be in the street, at risk of being hit by a car. so i moved you to the inside, to eliminate all chances of that happening." he says. "i don't want you to die before i even get you to your destination, then what would all this be for?"

[̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*][̲̅*]

"thanks, seh." i shoot jahseh a smile as i sip on my smoothie, my lettuce wrap in hand. "yeah, yeah." he rolls his eyes. "i like the nickname." i hear him say under his breath.

"we can just chill today, until it's time for us to board the train." jahseh says, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders. "where shall we go?" i ask.

"let's go to a park or something." he shrugs. "a park? that's a pretty public place, won't we get recognized?"

"well, you know how to run, right?" he asks with a smirk, and i laugh, nodding my head. "besides, we should enjoy ourselves before we have to be stuck on a train again for who knows how long. get some fresh air."

i nod, taking another sip of my smoothie. jahseh bought a breakfast bowl, but he inhaled it in all of two minutes.

i wonder how his body is so well toned when he eats as much as a pig.

i guess he is a growing boy, after all.

"pick up the pace sunshine, i'm ready to sit my black ass down somewhere." he says. "please, you're barely caramel." i say, observing his skin.

"and you're fucking pale. still wanna argue?" jahseh tilts his head with a smirk. i smile, shaking my head.

"hold my hand." he mumbles. i raise an eyebrow, but hold both my smoothie and lettuce wrap with my left hand, taking my right hand and intertwining it with jahseh's. as soon as i do, i notice how big it is compared to mine, and the slight roughness of his hands.

this boy's been places.

it doesn't take us long to arrive at a park, one with children playing on swing sets and monkey bars with no care in the world, while parents are sitting on benches, drinking wine out of cups labeled "mommy juice". we get some stares as we walk by, and we settle on a bit of grass to sit down on.

"fuck, that was tiring." i groan, pulling my duffel bag off of me and sitting it on the grass.

"tell me about it." jahseh agrees. i lay down, turning to face jahseh, taking a bite of my lettuce wrap. we've been walking all morning, i gotta lay down.

to my surprise, jahseh copies my actions, laying down and facing me, looking deep into my eyes with his, the eyes that feel like i'm staring right back into darkness and the unknown.

"tell me about you, billie." he says lowly, and the rasp in his voice is enough to send a chill down my spine.

"we can play twenty one questions." he suggests. i nod, and he thinks for a moment.

"what's your middle name?" he asks. i smile shyly, laughing a bit. "i have three."

"three middle names? that's some white people shit." he shakes his head. i laugh at his response, covering my mouth. once my fit of laughter is over, i take in a breath and regain my composure. "okay, i'm gonna break down my whole name to you, you ready?" jahseh nods, giving me all of his attention.

"well my first name is billie, and that's because they named me after my grandfather, william."

"the name suits you." he says. "sorry. keep going."

"my first middle name, eilish, is an irish middle name, meaning 'ode to god', or some shit like that." i wave my hand. "and then my middle name, pirate, that's just something my big brother wanted, he insisted on having input on my name.

"baird, my third middle name, is my mother's last name, then o'connell is my final name, being my dad's last name. i honestly think my parents just wanted me to have as many names as possible." i giggle. "my turn. um..." i tap my chin, thinking of a question to ask him.

"what made you dye your hair like that?" i point to his dreads. he laughs, "i wanted to look like a super villian. i thought cruella de vil was badass, so i dyed my hair like hers."

"damn, not the explanation i was expecting." i say.

"when's your birthday?" he asks. "december eighteenth."

"when's yours?" i flip the question on him. "january twenty-third." he responds.

"you ever watched lesbian porn before?" he asks. i nod my head immediately. "of course, that shit hits different."

"any siblings?" i ask. "yeah, a little brother, aiden, and an older half-sister, arianna. god knows where she is." he rolls his eyes.

sore spot.

"what's your favorite food?" he asks. "i like burritos. just burritos. anything with a tortilla and beans, i will definitely eat." i nod contently. jahseh smiles at my response, rolling his eyes playfully. "noted."

"mental health conditions? besides bipolarity?" i ask him. he narrows his eyes. "what makes you ask that?"

"i don't know, i just feel like there's something else. bipolarity can't be it. it can't be the only thing." i reply.

"i don't wanna tell you." he mumbles. "i don't want you to be scared of me."

"i'm not gonna be scared of you." i assure him. he sighs softly. "bipolarity, and sociopathy." he says.

my eyes widen slightly at his words, i've never encountered someone that was sociopathic.

"i knew i shouldn't have told you." he mumbles, a bit of sadness in his tone. i snap myself out of my thoughts. "no no no, nothing's wrong, i was just thinking, that's all. i don't think of you any differently, i promise." i say. jahseh nods, but his eyes linger somewhere else. "besides, that's not that bad."

"it's not that bad unless you've lived it." he looks in my eyes, giving me a small smile.

"come on, it's your turn to ask a question." i say quietly, nudging him.

he looks back at me, this time with curious eyes, "how'd you get so good at jumping fences?"

"fine." i huff, stuffing my clothes and soaps in his arms, and quickly and effortlessly jumping the fence.

"that obviously wasn't your first time doing that." jahseh smirks. "now i'm curious as to what your parents tried to send you to boarding school for."

"let's just say... that this isn't my first time running away. only, this is my first successful time. well, successful so far." i answer, and jahseh nods, seeming content with my answer.

"where are you from?" i ask. "florida, i already told you this." he responds. "no, i mean where are you from?"

"what makes you ask that?"

"you obviously aren't from here. from america, i mean." i say. "your face is the biggest factor in me asking this question. your eyes, your cheekbones, your jaw... you can't be from here. and besides, you have a bit of an accent, but i can't pinpoint where it's from." jahseh smiles. "you're right. well, i'm from florida, yes, i was born there. but my mother and father are from jamaica. my mother is still in florida, but my dad got deported back to jamaica." he informs me.

"ding dong, jamaica. that makes a lot of sense now." i say, taking a sip from my smoothie. "your accent- that makes much more sense now."

"where are you from, o'connell? for someone with an irish middle name, i expect a grandiose explanation." he smirks.

"my father is irish, mother is scottish, and ancestors are english and belgian." i say.

"so basically... white on white?" he asks with a smirk. i bust out laughing at his observation and nod. "yes, white on white." i think for a moment. "what's sociopathy like?"

"i plead the fifth." jahseh smiles. "you can't do that!" i whine.

"no further questions, your honor." he responds. "now, my turn." his eyes rake over my body, as his tongue swipes his lips ever so slightly. his eyes come back up to mine, and i see something else in them, something else besides darkness.

lust.

"are you a virgin?" he asks.

my face heats up, and my breathing gets faster, as my eyes well up with tears.

"no." i answer quietly, trying my hardest to prevent my voice from cracking. jahseh furrows his eyebrows, the lust in his eyes disappearing as they fill with concern.

"what's wrong? sensitive topic?" he asks, and i nod my head vigorously. "damn, i'm sorry." he says genuinely, pulling me into a hug, here as we lay down on the grass. i find comfort in his scent, in his hold, feeling my body relax as he holds me close to him. jahseh kisses my forehead.

"sorry i asked you that." he says quietly. "it's okay." i respond just as quietly. he pulls away, wiping my tears away. "come on, your turn to ask me a question." he says to cheer me up.

"are you a virgin?" i flip the question on him. jahseh busts out laughing. "fuck no. i'd like to think i'm an expert."

"an expert? please." i scoff, laughing after. "you sound full of it."

jahseh wraps his hand around my neck, bringing my face closer to his. my breath hitches, as i feel butterflies in between my legs.

"i don't sound full of it now, do i?" he says softly, his lips awfully close to mine.

"hm?" he asks when i don't answer, tightening his grip on my neck slightly. i bite my lip, stare into his eyes, and shake my head.

jahseh groans softly, letting go of my neck. i can tell he's getting himself worked up.

"one day i'll destroy you, just know that." he says, averting his eyes to the sky and letting out a deep breath.

my face reddens at his statement, but i try to keep my cool. "i'd like to see you try."

"challenge accepted." he puts his arms behind his head, looking at me with a sly grin on his face. "my turn. what about you? any mental health conditions i should know about?" he asks. i shake my head. "no, not real- oh! i have synesthesia, which is basically like, i have heightened senses, and some of them are mixed together. for example, i can feel a sound, or i can smell a color. and everything on this earth has its own shape, color, smell, touch, sound, temperature, and number."

"really?" he asks with a raised eyebrow. "that can't be real."

"it's a rare condition." i shrug. "if you don't believe me, i'll tell you your description." i say.

"your color is black, which is why i asked you what your favorite color was, to see if it matched the color that i was getting off of you. your shape is a triangle, your smell is woody, if that makes sense. like, wet wood. shit smells good. your texture is sharp. like jagged cliff rocks. your number is 17." my eyes search his face involuntarily.

"your sound, is this really low, droning bass. literally it's so low that it's barely audible. and your temperature is very warm, like a hug." i conclude.

"wow." he says. "that's crazy as fuck." he sounds astonished.

"shit, i could probably tell you your favorite food if i wanted to."

-

written on wednesday, december 9th, 2020 | thursday, december 10th, 2020 & friday, december 11th, 2020

published on tuesday, february 2nd, 2021

-

updating for a second day in a row because i love you guys.

how do you guys feel about what's going on so far?

you can leave your suggestions and ideas!

i love you all and thank you so much for reading!

-Symone