just because Dylan O'Brien is bae enjoy the chapter!

Jumping out of my skin, I covered my mouth from screaming. Standing next to the window in the far side was Jasper. He was wearing black jeans with a grey shirt and black jacket. Reaching up he took off his dark rimmed shades and sat them on his desk. "What are you doing here?" He asked calmly. I relaxed at the sound of voice.

I never knew how much I missed hearing him speak until now.

"Blue," he walked closer to me. He'd been drinking. I could smell it on him.

I backed up until my feet hit the end of his bed making me fall on my bottom. He stalked closer and squatted in front of me. "Why are you here?" he asked again.

"I-I was..." I muttered. "Your brothers. They..." I couldn't even form a sentence.

Snap out of it Ryan!

"You shouldn't be here." He said looking up at me. He placed a hand on my thigh and I tighten. "You shouldn't be in here." His gaze went over to his journal and then back at me.

"Jasper.." I tried to explain.

"Don't," he said. "What you read was old. So, don't."

"Old or not its still not okay."

"Don't you think I know that?" He asked angrily standing up. "I fücking know that Blue."

I stood up and looked at him. "Can we talk about it? Why didn't you want to talk to anyone?" He said nothing.

"Jasper." Still nothing.

"Jasper!"

"Don't you think I wanted to?!" he shouted. "Its so fücking hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complainant- it's a physical thing. Like its physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out fücking smooth and sane like your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chucks as if from a crushed ice machine. I stumble on them as they form behind my lower lip. I wanted to fücking talk, Blue. Believe me I did. No one understood me. No one knew what I was going through. Its not because I didn't want to talk or I didn't want to open it- it was because I couldn't. So I stayed quite."

"I was diagnosed with Bipolar at the age of four. Yes, I wanted to kill myself. I still do. Daily." He said. "Just because you see someone smiling and going about their day doesn't mean they're mentally okay. I put on an fücking good aşs mask, but at the end of the day. My mask falls." He spoke. "You think I'm a dick? Well yeah, believe me. I know that. But what you have to understand is, that it's the only way I know how, Blue."

"Jasper.."

"Nine." He shook his head. "That's how many times I tried to kill myself."

"Jasper.." I stepped closer to him. He was crying.

Dropping to his knees he shook his head. "I stole my fathers revolver from his safe, I pulled it to my head and pressed the trigger. It was empty. I'm constantly fighting a war inside my head and I'm the only one fighting and I'm getting my ašs beat." Jasper sobbed.

I got down next to him and held his face in my hands. He was broken. I've never seen him like this before, I don't know what to do. "Jasper.. Please." I begged.

"I'm so fücking sorry, Ryan. I am. I really am." My name sounded so foreign coming from his lips. I don't even think he meant to say it. He opened his eyes and looked at me. "I'm so sorry for everything. Everything I ever did to you. I'm sorry."

I smiled and nodded even though his words were a drunken slur. "Its okay, Jasper. It really is. I understand."

"No," he shook his head. "You don't know half it." He looked down at my lips and then back at me. "Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah."

"Don't give up on me, Blue. I'm trying. Everyday I am," he said. Reaching up he placed his hands over mines. "Don't give up on me. On our friendship- give me time."

Before I could respond, Jasper crashed his lips onto mines. I was little shocked at first, but I closed my eyes and responded. Jasper's hands found their way to my neck and pulled me closer to deepen the kiss. I felt one of his hands free my legs as he pinned me on the floor. A giggle escaped my lips and he smiled.

Jasper opened my legs and crawled in between them, kissing me once more. He bit down on my lip. "Jasper.." A deep growl formed in his throat, cupping my backside he picked me off the floor and threw me on the bed.

I've never been kissed like this before. The way Jasper made me feel in this exact moment made me feel special. But that feeling soon faded away when I realized that he was drunk and would never remember this every again, but as I would remember this forever. "What's wrong?" he asked me.

"Your drunk," I pushed him away.

"And? I wasn't planning on talking your Virtue, Blue. I'm not that fücking low."

I blushed and looked away. "Its just that you won't remember any of this by tomorrow, while me. I'll remember every single last detail."

He smiled and laid back. "Then maybe you could remind me, love."

"I don't think that's a good idea." I muttered.

"Maybe your right," he rolled over and yawned shutting his eyes. "You're far too good for me anyway."

What? Where's this coming from?

I stood up and straighten my clothes. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm starting to like you and I'm afraid." I whispered.

"Can.. Can I tell you a secret?" He asked. I smiled because he was half asleep and was probably talking nonsense.

"Yes."

"I already liked you and I'm terrified."