"When you're going through something hard and you start wondering where Allah is, just remember the teacher is always quiet during a test." - Nouman Ali Khan

Chapter 5 - Numb

Numbness. 

That was all I felt. 

Sobs, my own sobs was all I heard.

Dryness is all I tasted.

Deep down, I knew one day something like this would happen - that it was inevitable. But no matter how much I tried to mentally prepare myself, or how much I tried to build a tough interior, nothing, nothing at all could have prepared me for the reality of death.

But why is it that I feel this way? After all aren't we all going to die? Death is inescapable, natural...

To Allah [swt] we belong and to Him is our return.

So why does it shock us so? Why does it hurt?

Maybe it's because, as human beings we are naturally inclined to attach ourselves mentally, emotionally and even physically to those we love. And then when they are ripped away from us, so too, does a little of our body tear and break in the process. Or maybe it's because it enlightens us on the reality of life, which scares us and causes us to question how much longer we have to live and what we've accomplished in our life. What have we done of good and will that be enough for the hereafter? What about our sins? Have we repented?

Or maybe all these feelings are intensified, when death arrives at the hands of cruelty, of injustice and oppression.

I curled into my body even further, pulled the blanket up to my chin and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to diminish my racing thoughts. 

But how could I? 

Before my thoughts could stray onto dangerous waters, I realised that someone was knocking on the door vigorously. 

I didn't both to answer whoever it was and instead, stared out my window at the tall, looming buildings.

"Yasmine. Please open the door," came Zach's firm voice.

The buildings were mocking me, a cruel reminder.

"Yaz. Please open. I haven't seen you in a whole week. I need to see you." 

A bird flew past my window and I suddenly wished I could be that free. Life was so simple for them. If they didn't see what they liked they just migrated somewhere else. They escaped.

"That's it Yasmine. I'm opening this door right now so you better have your scarf on." 

Suddenly, something in the back of my brain was screaming 'ERROR!' and when Zach's words finally registered, I had only just managed to pull the blanket over my head before he barged in.

"Zach. What the hell?" I croaked out. I had to cough to clear my throat, my voice coming out raspy and extremely dry from barely talking and eating.

"I warned you." When I didn't say anything and just remained in my position; flat, with my hands holding the blanket above my head, I heard a sigh and felt the bed dip near my feet. "You can't keep doing this. I know you. You'll cage yourself up until you completely depress yourself by bottling up all your emotions. Please talk to me." I could hear the desperation in his voice. 

"Go away Zach," was all I managed to murmur.

"Yasmine," he said, his voice coming out firmer, "this isn't good for you and you know I'm right. You're only doing more damage than anything." I continued to filter out his words. "You're stronger than that Yasmine," he continued in a soft whisper, his voice laced with sadness. 

I don't know what happened to me, but my emotions must've gone into overdrive because I suddenly snapped. 

Keeping the blanket held above me I squeezed it hard, as if to release my anger, and began half-yelling. "Stronger? You want me to be strong? Well excuse me for allowing myself, for ONCE in my life to break down, to shut myself off. Who said I can be stronger? Because believe me, whenever the image of Ehab, dead, pops into my head, over and over, the last thing I want to do is be strong. So don't tell me I should be stronger! I can't be!" I practically shouted the last part at him and as soon as the words left my mouth, my eyes widened with shock.

I've never screamed at Zach. 

Ever.

There was dead silence for a few minutes and it was beginning to scare me. I had allowed my emotions to control me and instead, I had just generated more hurt.

Popping my arm out I grabbed the jilbab that was on my side table dresser and slipped it on under my blanket. I slowly lifted the blanket off my face and sat up properly. 

When I looked up Zach was no longer sitting but standing by the window, one arm perched on the windowsill. I could determine how he was feeling by the tick of his jaw, which meant he was a little angry. When he turned to face me though, I knew his anger wasn't directed towards me and I was surprised to see unshed tears in his eyes.

I realised then how self-centered I was being. 

Zach found Ehab. Zach had seen what I had too. He was hurting, and instead of being selfish like me, he had been coming everyday to check up on me and make sure I was OK. And instead of reciprocating the gesture, I had shut everyone - including him - off.

"That's a bunch of bullshit Yasmine. Don't tell me you can't be strong, because I know and have seen otherwise." His voice was intense, his eyes never leaving mine.

"This is different," I whispered, looking at my palms.

"As much as this kills me too, we have to understand that this is beyond us. Ehab is with Allah [swt] now, and In sha Allah will be in the highest level of Jannah for all his sufferings. I know he meant a lot to you, but remember everything and everyone returns to Allah [swt]." 

I knew his words were true and my previous thoughts emerged. Maybe it hurts so much because we forget to put our faith and trust in Allah [swt], we forget that we should be solely dependent on Him. 

As soon as the words came out of Zach's mouth, my heart felt a little lighter, my thoughts clearing a tad. 

"You're right...as always." I wiped the salty tears off my face and offered him a small smile. He gave me one back but I could tell it was forced. "Hey I'm sorry...for yelling at you. I don't know what happened, I allowed the shaitan to get the better of me." 

It's been a very long time since Zach has truly been upset with me. 

"It's alright. Everyone has to vent right?" he said, turning his gaze towards me, his green eyes never failing to draw me in.

"Yes but that's not an excuse. It's hard for all of us and instead I'm sitting here being a selfish brat. I'm sorry," I apologized again. Somehow one apology wasn't enough.

"Yasmine it's ok. You don't have to apologise to me." He paused and I faintly heard him swallow. "Just remember that sometimes I need you too okay?" he whispered. 

I looked up at him then, shocked at his admittance. He was in a bit of a daze but when he realised what he said, his cheeks began to tinge red and his eyes widened just a tad.

He coughed awkwardly and sat down on the bed again, staring at the floor.

"Hey Zach?"

"Mmm?" he said looking up at me half-heartedly.

"I need you too." We were staring at each other, both our eyes telling each other the same thing. That we understood and no matter what we'd be there for each other.

After a minute of the slightly awkward tension, he smiled and got up. "Come on. Let's go get some ice cream."

And for the first time in a week I smiled. I smiled and lifted myself up, removing myself from the cage I had formed. I wasn't okay. In fact I was far from it. But I knew that with the help of Allah [swt], my family and especially my best friend I would come out of this, somewhat healed.

****

When Zach and I came downstairs, my whole family was in the living room. My parents were sitting next to each other, my father's arm around my mother's shoulders comfortingly. She had her head on his shoulder with her eyes closed. Noah was laying down staring at the ceiling, in a world of his own. My sisters were watching T.V. and Adam was sitting on the floor playing with his toy truck. No one was speaking and the atmosphere was sullen. It was like someone had thrown a dark sheet over all of us. The thing with our community is, when somebody dies, even if they hadn't known them, the partaking in the mourning is mutual. A sense of loss is felt by everyone. And I could tell that's what my family was currently feeling, even though they hadn't grown to love Ehab as I did. 

My father was the first one to realise I was in the room and he had to look twice to double check it was me.

"Yasmine?" Upon hearing my name, my whole family snapped their heads towards me. I was leaning against the doorframe just observing everyone.

"Habibti come sit down. Should I make you some tea?" I could see the relief in my mother's eyes that I was finally out of my room and with the family. I thought I even saw her give Zach an appreciative smile. Before I could answer she walked into the kitchen and I could hear her filling and turning the kettle on. 

I could see my father staring at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes. Over the years he's tried so hard to stop us from witnessing the horrors that occur around us. He'd tried so hard to give us a normal life. But no one could ever escape reality.

He patted the now empty spot next to him and I sat down, immediately wrapping my arms around his chest. He in return, put his arm around my shoulder - his signature comfort gesture - and gave me a light kiss on my forehead.

"How are you feeling?" He moved back a tad so he could look at me closely. 

"Alhamdulillah better." I gave him a small smile to reassure him.

"Alhamdulillah." He sat back and hugged me closer to him, turning back to watch the Arabic musalsal that was on. I indulged in the feeling of being a child again and tried to relax my mind and body. It was going well until I felt a pair of eyes staring at me intensely. I tilted my head a little, keeping it rested on dad's shoulders, until I came eye to eye with Zach. Confused, I asked him what he was staring at.

"Nothing," was his swift reply. I glared at him for his vague answer. We stayed in that position for a few minutes, me glaring and Zach, now expressionless. Noah looked up then, shifting his gaze from me to Zach.

"Why are you guys being weird?" he said, his eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm not being weird, he's being weird!" I said pointing a finger at Zach.

"Hey pointing isn't polite. And you were the one that was glaring at me for no reason." I wanted to smack him right on the mouth.

"Usually I'd be annoyed but this bickering means Yasmine has come back to her wretched ways," Noah piped in, smiling at me. "Honestly though, how are you feeling Yaz?" My brothers face turned serious again and I knew I wouldn't be escaping this question, for at least the next few days.

"Noah I'm fine. As good as I can be right now," I said giving him the same reassuring smile.

"Good you better be. Cause that's the first and last time Zach's going to come into your room alone," he grumbled, a bit of annoyance in his voice.

I rolled my eyes at him whilst Zach chuckled. 

"Aww bro, sorry I can't be with you in your room 24/7. I'm a busy man these days," Zach declared sarcastically, patting Noah on the shoulder. All I heard was a deep "shutup" before they both began watching again. My family must have been desperate to get me out of my room, if they let Zach come up himself. My family was naturally open and affectionate for each other but sometimes I found it awkward to open up completely and would suppress my feelings. With Zach however, that was different, so it wasn't a major surprise as to why he came in on his own. It looked like my dad had no clue - a good thing believe me - because he hadn't even acknowledged Zach, his attention going straight from me to the T.V. again. 

I sat back, and my thoughts turned to Zach again. Why was he staring at me like that? Come to think of it, he had been staring at me increasingly these days. I knew he was worried but I saw something else behind his eyes this time. Either I couldn't discern properly what it was, or I did know, but was too scared to admit it to myself.

****

Salam and Hello to all my beautiful readers :)

A few of you on the last chapter asked whether what was described is real and whether it actually occurs. Unfortunately, yes this happens. The situation in Palestine is becoming worse and worse. What was described by me is only a snippet of the daily horrors that occur. I do not live in Palestine myself, but Australia. However I am Palestinian and have family that live in Palestine, and I am constantly aware of what happens there. Please make dua for all our brothers and sisters that are suffering around the world and if you guys have any more questions please don't hesitate to ask!

Definitions 

Jilbab: A long scarf that covers the head and chest down to mid thigh.

Jannah: Heaven

Alhamdulillah: 'Praise to God' 

Musalsal: Arabic show, similar to a T.V. series