"If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try." - Seth Godin

~ Yasmine's red dress to the side.

Chapter 33 - Nerves.

To make up for my lack of sisterly love, I decided I would take the twins shopping. Hey, I know it’s not the most creative thing, but if there was one way to win a girl’s heart, especially with those two, it was shopping. They were worse than me when it came to spending, but if I was truly honest, I was the exact same when I was their age. 

So here we were, walking down the lanes of our smallish shopping centre, slushies in hand. Since it wouldn’t be much of a reconcilement if they paid with their own money, I was spoiling them and paying for anything they wanted. Unbeknownst to many, not even Zach, I had saved up quite a lot of money over the years. Not only from pocket money, but from the few summer jobs I had worked, back when I was still in school. I rarely touched it, knowing it would come in hand one day, but I truly felt bad and wanted to give the twins a nice day out. 

Some of the money would go towards my wedding and the dresses. In our culture, the man paid for the wedding and everything that came with it, but there was no way I would put that much of a burden on Zach’s shoulders. I knew he was already stressed about finding a job, and even I had started looking. It was nothing new though. So many Gazans here had difficulties finding a job and even after graduating and spending years searching for a job, what they’d end eventually up with, usually wouldn’t even revolve around their field. 

Since we both haven’t graduated yet, or close to, any job for the time being would be useful. Although it’s not the norm, Zach said we could just live at his house, until we get our own place. I didn’t realise it before, but the anxiety and stress was slowly starting to build up within me. What with mum barking down commands for the wedding down my ears everyday, jobs, finances and the actual concept of marriage. 

Maybe I needed this shopping trip more than the twins. 

I blinked and shrugged away from my thoughts as Rida squealed and pointed to a dress in the window. Immediately, me and Nadia were being pulled into the shop behind her. 

“I think it would look better on me,” Nadia exclaimed, perching a hand on her hip. 

“No it wouldn’t!”

Oh God. They were going to go at it again. 

“It suits my skin colour better!” 

“I saw it first! I got dibs!” 

“You can’t stop me from buying it if I want to! Yasmine, you’ll buy the dress for me right?”

Accustomed to this common banter between them, I just rolled my eyes and walked off to let them sort it out. There was only so much shopping I could handle with those two. I just hope they don’t begin to maul each other in front of the customers. They’d definitely be traumatised. 

Even though Nadia and Rida were identical twins, they never wore the same thing as each other. They hated it. My mother used to dress them in the same clothing but growing up, they began to despise it more and more. I think it was because of the fact that no one could recognise who was who, and that used to really annoy them. More than anything though, they hated being seen as two in one. Both had their separate identities, which manifested itself through their personalities. I understood why they hated looking identically and I supported them in many varying ways as they grew older. That it was OK to like something your twin didn’t or to study a subject your twin hated. 

I took another sip from my sour slushie and proceeded to scan the clothing on the walls and racks. Finding nothing of interest, I walked back to the changing rooms where the girls had last been. At that exact moment, they both walked out, looking glum. 

“Well?” I asked. “Who’s getting the dress?” 

“None of us,” Rida mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I think that’s a good decision.” Simultaneously, they directed their glares at me. I held up my hands in defence and just walked out of the store, both of them following with hunched backs. 

“Ooh look! It’s a giant Nutella jar! I so have to get this for Zach!” I practically ran to the little stand that was situated in the middle of the walkway. The worker looked up at me with a friendly smile and a firm nod. 

“Aww are you already buying Zach things?” Nadia teased.

“I know, you’re not even married yet!” 

I just smiled at their light teasing and purchased the massive jar. Zach was so obsessed with Nutella, I think there was a high possibility he loved it more than me. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

As if on cue, my phone rang and Zach’s name lit up my screen. 

“Salam Zuzu,” I chirped into the phone. 

“Salam beautiful,” he whispered into the phone. His voice sounded a bit husky and croaky. “And please, please stop calling me that.” 

I laughed. “Did you just wake up?” 

“Maybe,” he said, clearing his throat. I felt a little flutter in my stomach. It was nice to know that the first thing he liked to do after waking up, was call me. 

“Zach, it’s almost noon. Get up you fatty.” There was some light shuffling in the background before I heard a dull thud. 

“Ow, stupid desk,” he grumbled. I just chuckled lightly before he spoke up again. “I came home late last night. Before you lecture me, it was Firas’ fault.” 

“What time did you come home? And why, what did he do this time?” Firas was the funny, but not so bright one in the group. 

“Around 2 in the morning. We got lost in time talking and playing cards, and then for the final round, I lost and Firas dared me to jump into the beach water.” 

“The next sentence I’d like to hear from you is: I told Firas he was an idiot and directly went home.” 

“Umm…well…” he trailed off, his voice uneasy. I mentally groaned.

“Zach! Watch you get sick now!” 

I heard a light cough, before a mammoth of a sneeze. 

“I’m sorry, but he said I wouldn’t do it, and I wanted to prove him wrong.” His voice was a tad nasally and I wanted to slap not only him, but Firas for coming up with that dare. Boys and their egos. 

I sighed. “I’m not going to scold you for now, but please don’t come home that late anymore Zach. How would you like it if I came home at 2am?” It wasn’t the fact that he was doing something wrong or sinful, it was just a harmless game of cards after all, but once we were living together, I’d like to sleep at a normal time, with my husband next to me. 

“I wouldn’t like it at all,” he voiced, his tone hard. “Believe me though, it won’t happen again. Anyway, what are you doing? You sound like you’re out somewhere?” 

“I’m just out shopping with the girls.” I glanced at them, to find they were looking at some hijabs. I walked off a little and stood to the side. “They’ve been acting out a little lately. Mum thinks it’s because I haven’t been giving them enough attention or spending time with them, so I took them out today.” 

“That’s nice of you mash’Allah. Poor girls, I've been stealing too much of your time,” he said, his voice semi-serious.

“Yeah Zach, it’s all your fault!” I exclaimed sarcastically.

I heard him laugh on the other end. “I can’t help that I love you so much, and always want to be in your presence.” Along with humour, there was honesty in his voice, and once again, I felt my heart begin to beat faster. 

“Aww, well I love you too. Which is why I bought you a little gift today.” 

“Really?” He perked up. “What is it?” 

“Not telling. You’ll have to wait and see.” 

He groaned. “Fine, fine. I still love you.” 

Smiling, I adjusted the phone and the bags in my hands, just as the twins walked up to me. “Anyway, I gotta go now, but I’ll message you when I get home insha’Allah.” 

“OK, sounds good. Salam.”

“Salam Zuzu.” I heard him groan again just as I shut the phone. I smirked evilly. He was wrong if he thought he could only annoy me and not vice versa.

“So, what do you girls wanna do now?” I questioned, eyeing the bags that were filling our hands. I think we had done enough shopping.

“I’m hungry,” Nadia said, and Rida nodded in agreement. I was too, so we promptly began walking to the mini food court.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a cow.” 

“No you couldn’t.” 

“Yes I could.” 

“No you couldn’t.” 

“Yes I-,”

“Will you both just shut up!” I snapped. 

****

Since I knew I’d be extremely busy in the upcoming weeks, after lunch with my sisters and a stop at home to drop off all the shopping bags, I left for the orphanage. It has been a while and I severely missed the children there. 

I pushed open the glass door, and walked into the cool entrance area. As always, I had to stop for a moment and just calm myself, once images of Ehab flashed before me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, before walking off directly to find Omar. 

I noted that the broken windows from the last attack had been fixed, despite it looking a little messy today. There were no workers in sight, so they must be running short on staff. 

“Yasmine?!” Turning my head in the direction of the voice, my eyes came face to face wth a shocked Omar, who was playing on the xbox Zach had set up for him. 

“Salam dude!” I eagerly walked up to him, and plonked myself down on the nearby beanbag. “How have you been?!” He was still just staring at me with his mouth agape and eyes wide. I resisted the urge to laugh. 

“Did you miss me that much?” 

“Wha? No, err, I mean yes, what?!” I burst out laughing and finally he broke out of his stance and glared at me. 

“It’s been a while,” he stated dryly. 

“Aww, is someone upset?” 

“No.” He went back to playing his xbox and avoided eye contact with me. I couldn’t help but realise how much he had grown over the few weeks. He now had some facial hair!

“Come on, don’t be so glum. I’ve been busy!” 

“Yeah, being busy getting married to Zach.” Now it was my turn to gape at him. 

“How do you know?” 

He smirked. “Zach told me. He tells me everything you know.” He paused his game to look at my face and smirked even wider. “I even knew of his little plan to propose to you.” I didn’t know Zach had been coming here that regularly. 

“Well, where’s my congratulations then?” I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow.

“Mabrook.” He paused his game a second time and turned to me. “No really, I’m happy for you guys. I saw it coming.” I could see sincerity in his eyes and I wanted to hug the daylights out of him. 

“Thanks. So, do you have a suit for the wedding?” 

“Wha? I’m invited?” He looked at me, shocked again.

“Of course you are! You’re Zach’s little bro, he’d want you there.” I could see in his eyes how much that meant to him. Since he wasn’t particularly good with words, he nodded and said, “I’ve got a suit.” 

“Awesome.” 

After that, I cooked some food for the kids and helped out around the kitchen as well as tidying up a bit. I checked on Khaled and was glad to know that he wasn’t having as many horrible flashbacks as he used to. Khadija still had some attachment issues, especially now as she clung to my leg, but with some help, it could be battled. 

Just before I was going to head back home, tired from standing on my feet all day, I pulled the large packet of chocolate from my bag and threw it towards Omar.

“Did you think I’d forget?” 

“I knew you wouldn’t.” He greedily ripped the packaging open and munched on the blocks of chocolate. “Mmmm, so good,” he moaned. Unfortunately for him, the kids in the room had seen the chocolate in his hands and all lunged at him. 

“Good luck with that,” I yelled, before chuckling and walking back out into the heat.

****

I have always, always wondered how time flies so fast. It honestly baffles me. One second we’re a child, playing with the mud and worms and the next, we’re getting married. 

Or at least, I was.

There was only a week until my wedding. Yes, a week. Finally, after countless hours of shopping, countless hours of arguing, countless hours of sleepless nights and countless hours of planning, there was only seven days until Zach and I would finally be fully together. 

I was extremely excited, but nervous at the same time. You’d think that knowing your husband for seven, almost eight years would ease the nerves, but nope. It didn’t. 

Tonight was my laylieh, the all-girls party that was thrown for the bride. It was pretty much a hens night and party in one, and I couldn’t wait to have some fun with my closest friends. The part I hated though - tugging of my hair, excess of make-up and high heels. And not only that, I had to wear three different dresses tonight. That meant every hour or so, I’d have to change my dress, which would be difficult, considering my hairstyle and cake face. 

“Please stop twitching,” the make-up artist said. 

I looked at her oddly. “I’m twitching?”

“Yes, your eye.” 

So I tried to stop twitching, if that was even possible. 

After three long hours of sitting on the chair like a mannequin, the lady, Nimah, had finally finished doing my hair and make-up. It was now five pm and the party was set to start in an hour. We had booked a small hall that fit about a hundred people in it, and believe me, if I thought cutting down numbers for the wedding was hard, it was even harder trying to just invite one hundred girls.

I would have actually preferred a small outdoorsy wedding with close family and friends, but it wasn’t possible. We just knew way too many people, who would get upset if they weren’t invited to the wedding. Arab culture was everything against disrespecting or upsetting neighbours, so alas, me and Zach settled for a wedding that comprised of two hundred and fifty people. It was going to be very similar to Bahia’s wedding, where men would be in a downstairs hall and women in the upstairs one. Unlike Bahia though, afterwards, I would have just Zach, my father and brother come upstairs at the end, so he could put my ring on and walk me out. 

Think of the wedding, when the wedding comes! For now, focus on today!

I agreed with my smart little brain, and got up so I could put my first dress on. I could hear Salma, Shaymah and Miriam in the twins room. There was some squealing and shouting, so I pushed the door open and walked in. 

“What’s going on in here?” Their laughter ceased and they all turned to look at me. The sound of their gasps could be heard not long after.

“Yasmine…you look stunning and you don’t even have your dress on!” Shaymah stated, and the girls all began to crowd around me, taking in the intricate design Nimah did on my hair. It was an up style woven into a bun, with a few messy strands out. 

“Thanks Shaymah…but you girls are looking damn fine too,” I said, turning and winking at them. They all had on drastically different, yet equally stunning dresses. 

“Oh stahp it,” Miriam said, flinging her hand in the air. We all laughed and chatted for a little bit, but once I saw the tears in some of their eyes, Salma especially, I was out of that room, faster than a person who had diarrhoea. I tried to emotionally stabilise myself, by repeating the fact that tears should be left for the wedding day, not now. I fanned my eyes and breathed in deeply. 

I went for the first dress, which was my favourite of all. A red full length dress, that was equipped with sequences strewn onto flowery lace all down the bodice. I called out to Salma, as I realised I needed her help putting it on. Ten gruelling minutes, and it was over my head, my silver heels were on and I was ready. 

We all worked in silence, happy yet emotional silence, as we dressed each other, fixed pins and re-applied make-up on one another. I slipped my black abaya over my dress and lightly wrapped a scarf around my hair, so it wouldn’t ruin the style. 

Dad drove the girls to the hall first, since I was getting the three of them to usher people in. He came back to pick me, mum and the twins up. I didn’t miss the look my parents shared when they saw me, nor did I miss the glances my dad kept stealing through the rear-view mirror. 

I actually wished they would stop, because I knew what every single one of those looks meant and it was making me way too emotional. Too emotional for my own good. 

The hall had a separate room for the bride, so she could hide away in there until all the guests had arrived but also, where my two other dresses and belongings would be stored for the time being. It was also where I would change and whatnot. 

What made my nerves skyrocket however, was the fact that I knew at this very moment, Zach was waiting for me in that room. My mum and the girls had convinced me that I should ‘present’, yes they actually used that word, to him tonight, instead of on the wedding. They said the red dress looked so good on me, how could he not see me in it. And so I agreed, thinking there was really no point in making the poor man wait another week. Surprisingly, he was more impatient than I thought. Sometimes, randomly, he’d ask if he could see my hair. He’d put it out as a joke, but I knew him well enough to sense the longing and seriousness underlying his tone. 

I juggled my knee up and down and bit my lip. It was so irrational - I shouldn’t be nervous. 

Yet I was.

And I don’t know why.

Too soon, my dad had stopped in front of the hall. “You girls have fun. I’ll be back here at 11 sharp to pick you up, OK?” 

“Thanks dad.” I gave him a full blown grin and kissed his forehead. In return, he gave me a small smile, before reversing and heading back home. I walked in slowly, with mum by my side and the twins and Deana behind me. 

“Don’t be so nervous. It’s not going to be that bad,” mum spoke up, reading my thoughts. 

“It’s going to be awkward mum. And I can’t handle awkward situations.” She shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. She grasped both my hands and squeezed them comfortingly. 

“Where’s all this coming from? This is Zach we’re talking about!” 

“I don’t know, mum,” I whispered, looking at our intertwined hands. 

“I think the reality of the situation is hitting you now. But believe me, once you walk in there, Zach will make everything better.” 

I nodded my head. “You’re right.” She nodded along with me.

“Now go get him!” She pushed me in the direction of the room. I looked back and gave mum one last smile, before taking careful steps towards the closed door. 

With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and leant out a shaky hand to open the door. 

****