"Sometimes you don't feel the weight of something you've been carrying, until you feel the weight of its realease." - Anonymous

Chapter 6 - Loosing control

I bolted upright and immediately tried to steady myself with my hands. I was swaying, my head still swirling from that horrible dream. I was sweating profusely and my heart was pounding a million miles an hour.

Ever since the explosion, I’ve been having nightmares that would wake me and keep me up all night, tonight’s one being especially bad. All I could see was Ehab’s bruised and bloodied body and this time, I had witnessed him being caught under the rubble. His bright blue eyes were open and were staring at me, as if asking, why didn’t you save me? 

I squeezed my eyes shut and attempted to forget the graphic visual. It was all too much. I felt like it was on repeat and the trauma would never end. 

I decided that instead of lying in bed, staring at the ceiling too scared to sleep, I would get up and make wudu'. Since there was still an hour until fajr, I took out my Qur’an and began reading, going to my favourite Surah, Ad Duha. 

“Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].” 

“And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life].” 

“And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.” 

SubhanAllah; it was truly amazing how the words had an immediate effect on me. It was a reassurance that I was not alone, hope and guidance all in one. I smiled and continued reading until the athan rang on my mobile. I closed the Qur’an, kissed it three times and returned it to my bookshelf.

Whilst praying, I made as much supplication as I could, that Ehab will pass easily from this life into the next but mostly to give me patience and to never let my faith drop. 

I knew there was no chance of me falling asleep again, so I went downstairs to make a coffee. I was surprised to find Noah sitting on one of the stools drinking some tea, his eyebrows scrunched, staring at the wall opposite him. 

He was in a daze so I side nudged him. “What’re you worrying about?” His eyes flickered towards me before he looked back down at his mug, swirling the contents within. 

“You,” he replied simply. At his response, I sighed and sat down next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder.

“Why are you worrying about me. I told you I’d be fine.” 

“What you say is not always what I believe Yasmine. You can pretend to be fine all you want but I know you’re still struggling. I know you’re having nightmares too.” My eyes widened and I immediately got up to look at him properly. 

“How do you know that?”

He took a sip of his tea and didn’t reply. After a few minutes he simply said, “I’m your older brother. I just know.”

“They’ll pass inshAllah,” I said dismissively, getting up to make my coffee.

“Yasmine we have lots of counsellors, if you’re not going to talk to us, at least talk to them.” I took the mug out of the cupboard and closed it harshly. Why was he still on this when it was clear I didn’t want to talk about it? I had come down to clear my mind and instead, I was being reminded at every corner, even in my sleep. 

“Noah just drop it ok. I don't want to talk about this,” I said tightly. 

“But you’re no-,“ I slammed the cup down on the counter so hard, it shattered in my hand. I was breathing heavily, staring at the glass and blood, just blinking, surprised by my own actions. Noah too, was staring at my hand, his face slowly paling and his eyes clouding with a mix of regret and anger. 

I didn’t know what to say or do and before I could will myself not to, I broke out in sobs, using my right hand to cover my mouth. From my peripheral vision I saw Noah rapidly stand up before he scooped me  into his arms, carrying me to the couch and sitting right next to me. He began to strok my back. 

“Cry all you want Yasmine. I’m right here.” He pushed me closer, so my head was under his arm, and hugged me tightly to him. Allah [swt] knows how long I sobbed for but when I lifted my head, Noah’s shirt was all wet and crumpled. I hadn’t realised I had been grasping his shirt in a tight scrunch. “Feeling better?” I nodded my head keeping my eyes downcast. It felt good to cry to someone rather than my pillow sheet every night. “Hey look at me.” I reluctantly looked up to be met with my brother’s compassionate smile. His brown eyes always shined when he smiled. “You know that you can talk to me, or mum and dad, about anything right? We’re here for you and you don’t have to go through this alone.”

I didn’t have the energy to speak, crying always exhausted me, so I just nodded and smiled up at him. He kissed my forehead and got up. “Come on we need to go get that cleaned and bandaged.” I was grateful he didn’t sit there and drone on about the subject or lecture me about how reckless I had just been.

Just as I was getting up my mother came downstairs, wrapping a robe around her and yawning. “Are you kids alright? I thought I heard something break.” She looked between us until her gaze finally landed on my left hand. She gasped and came forward surveying my bloodied hand that was filled with bits of glass. “Yasmine what happened?” she said, her motherly tone emerging. 

“She just had a little accident. Don’t you know how clumsy she is, especially when she's half asleep,” Noah replied for me before I could respond. I sent him a grateful smile; trying to explain this to mum would be a headache and she’d never get off my case.

She narrowed her eyes and straightened up. “Ok. Get some rest, it’s still early,” and with that she walked off. I huffed in relief and followed Noah into the bathroom where he pulled out the first aid kit. He got the tweezers out and began to pull out the little pieces of glass, rinsed my hand and applied some anti-biotic cream. We didn’t speak a word and remained in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. After bandaging my whole hand he got up and began to pack away the equipment. 

“Ok all done.” After walking back to the kitchen and a few failed attempts of trying to clean the glass that was on the floor with just my right hand, Noah came in and took over. “I got it. Just go back to sleep,” he said, ushering me out of the kitchen.

If only it was that easy.

**** 

I didn’t go back to sleep. In fact for the next few hours I threw myself into cleaning, scrubbing every corner of the kitchen and toilets and then dusting, vacuuming and wiping down all the rooms. I was so absorbed in my cleaning that when I went into Noah’s room, instead of telling him to just get off the bed, I lifted his legs and arms to straighten out his sheets. I wasn’t going to let my injured hand stop me, and luckily I was right handed too because I absolutely needed something that would occupy me and distract me from my thoughts. 

Just as I was finishing up and running down the stairs, I heard the doorbell ring. I sighed and hoped it wasn't a visitor or anyone I had so make small talk with, because I always became lethargic after cleaning. I quickly slipped on my black cap and black scarf that I always kept near the door. At least I was covered in my trackies and long sleeved top.

I swung open the door to find Zach leaning against the doorframe. 

“Took your time…,” he said. Once he took me in, he raised an eyebrow. “Why are you breathing like an animal?”

Wow, such lovely kind words I receive from him. 

“Why do you look like an animal?” I replied glaring at him.

He snorted. “Why do you smell like an animal? Right now?” I looked down at my disoriented self and was so close to actually sniffing myself before I stopped and glared at him again. Jerk! 

“Well at least I don’t eat like animal. Have you even seen yourself?” I retorted. 

“I’m a guy,” he said shrugging and walking in. 

“Is that your justification for everything?” I yelled after him. I huffed and closed the door. I walked back into the kitchen to find Zach sitting on the stool eating the capsi my mother had left out on the table. “Do you ever stop eating?” I asked, whilst moving to pack away the last of the dishes. 

“No. Hey what happened to your hand?” He stopped shoveling food into his fat gob and was staring at my bandaged hand worriedly. There was no point in beating around the bush so I just told him. Well, more like blurted it to him.

“Well, Noah was trying to talk to me about these nightmares I’ve been having about Ehab and then he got really persistent even though I didn’t want to talk, then I got really angry and somehow smashed a mug in my hand,” I babbled, saying it all in one breath. I turned around and continued to casually pack away the dishes.

“Are you normal?” I stopped and looked at him, surprised by his response. He was staring at me like I was a madwoman. 

“Umm no?” I replied not sure whether I should answer. At least I answered truthfully. 

“How can you let yourself loose control like that? Things could’ve been worse, you could’ve injured more than your hand!” I lowered my gaze not able to look into his eyes. Why was it when Zach lectured me the words actually had the ability to make me feel ashamed but with everyone else, I never took them quite so seriously. 

I was pondering over his words, realising that this was the second time I had lost control. First at Zach when I yelled at him and then the situation with Noah. I started to grasp how much I was underestimating how Ehab’s death was affecting me. The denial stage had passed but now what was left, was open wounds that needed to be closed.

I felt a presence next to me and I continued to stare at the floor, now feeling extremely stupid. “Hey look at me.” I did so reluctantly to find Zach searching my eyes. “What are these nightmares you’ve been having?” 

“Well, you can imagine. All about Ehab. I just feel like there’s no escape you know?” He nodded his head understandingly. 

“I’ve been having nightmares too. Sometimes I even wake up, my arms heavy as if I was holding Ehab again. But the last two nights my dreams were amazing. All I could see was Ehab in a shining white light, as if he was floating. Make sure you make dua and read some Qur’an every night before you sleep. Even sleep with it playing in your ears. It helps, believe me.” I nodded and smiled a little as a stray tear left my eye, betraying me. Was it bad that I felt a little better knowing he was experiencing the same thing? 

Zach was watching my tear fall and his hand unconsciously came up to wipe it away, but before he could, Noah came barreling into the kitchen smashing his knee into the corner of the table. We immediately stepped away from each other, both our eyes wide, realising how close we were in proximity and shocked over what Zach was just about to do. 

I quickly wiped my face with my sleeve and plastered a smile on my face looking towards my brother. Luckily the idiot hadn’t seen the situation Zach and I were just in and was too busy rubbing his knee and grumbling about sharp things. 

“Hey Zach sorry I’m late, I napped and just woke up. Let’s get going?” Zach just nodded his head and moved to walk out, but not before casting one last look over his shoulder before they left. 

I let out a long breath of air, I didn't realise I was holding and leaned back on the counter top. What was going on? Was it possible I wasn’t the only one experiencing control issues? 

**** 

I showered and was now sitting on my desk, scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, when I felt a poke in my side. I ignored it and kept scrolling mindlessly when the frequency of the pokes increased. I swatted the hand away.

Poke. Poke. Poke. 

“Argh Adam leave me alone please? Go to mum.” He started to pull on my top vigorously. 

“No Min, watch Mulan with me. Please Min, please.” I couldn’t help turning around when he said my name like that and found him standing there with his puppy dog face holding his hands in front of him. 

“Only if you give me a big kiss,” I said getting on my knees and opening my arms wide. Without hesitation, he ran into me and planted a kiss on my right cheek. “And another one,” I said turning, so he could kiss my left cheek. "Another." He obliged and I kept prompting him to kiss me until I ended up tickling him and laughing from how adorable he is. Poor kid would’ve kissed me forever if I had kept on asking. 

“Ok let’s go.” I closed my laptop and picked him up hauling him on my hips. “You’re becoming a big boy aren’t you?” He nodded excitedly, as he did whenever anyone complimented him on his growth. I put the disc in and pulled out a thin blanket since it was still a little chilly and got comfortable on the couch with Adam sitting right next to me. 

Since my parents were too absorbed in their conversation, I sneaked past them in the kitchen with some chips for Adam and I laughed when his eyes lit up just at the sight of them. 

After about half an hour, Nadia and Rida joined us looking exhausted. They both slumped on the remaining couches and sighed. It was scary how they did the same things sometimes. 

“I hate Maths so much. All Math textbooks, teachers and lovers of Maths should be lit on fire and pushed off the nearest mountain,” exclaimed Rida. I chocked on the orange juice I was drinking and looked at her bewildered. 

“Wow do you want to take anymore extreme measures? I’m thinking that’s a little too soft.” She didn’t even crack a smile, so I knew her homework had put her in a foul mood. Understandable. Maths is the devil subject. 

“She’s such an exaggerator. It’s not even that bad.” Rida just glared at her twin and continued to watch, not dignifying her twin with a response.

"Where's Deana?" I felt like I hadn't seen her in ages. Maybe it's because I haven't exactly been in a social mood, but I missed her. 

"She's upstairs sleeping. I think Adam gave her his sickness," Nadia replied. I nodded and continued watching.

“Hey our favourite song!” This had to cheer them both up. 

“LETS, get down, to business!” we all began to sing. “To defeat, THE HUNS!” We kept on singing until Nadia got up singing the role of Chien-Po, “I’m never gonna catch my breath!” then Rida as Yao “Say goodbye to those who knew me!” she sang dramatically falling to the ground. I laughed and sang Ling, “Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym!” 

We continued singing and making dramatic gestures to the lyrics with Adam just running around us laughing uncontrollably, until the song ended and we all fell back on the couch laughing. (A/N video of the song on the side). After we had calmed down we heard a cough from behind us and we all turned our heads simultaneously. Noah and Zach were standing there, Zach with his arms crossed and an amused expression on his face whilst Noah had just stopped recording, cracking up. He began to clap slowly and dramatically. Idiot, lucky I had been wearing my scarf.

“Great show guys. Do it again.” 

Argh! Now he could use that as leverage against me! “Shut up sweaty,” was the best my brain could fuse at the moment. I turned back around to find Nadia blushing and sinking into her seat and Rida grimacing at both boys. Yeah you could smell them from here. 

“Sorry what did you say Yaz? You want some sweat?” He started advancing towards me, whilst I backed up on the couch. 

“Get away from me you gorilla!” He lifted his arm and brought his armpit close to my face. I began shrieking and covering my face with my hands, simultaneously using my legs to kick him away. He was chuckling, obviously enjoying my torture. 

He finally moved away and pretended to go for Rida, as she let out a little scream and fell off the couch. “Don’t,” she warned backing away from him. He laughed again shaking his head. 

“You guys make it too easy. Too easy.” 

“Hey Zach give me a minute I’ll grab the shirt for you,” Noah yelled, running up the stairs. Zach was smiling but as soon as he nodded and my brother was out of sight, his face became expressionless. 

“Zaza!” Adam said running up to him. He smiled again and picked up the running Adam. “How you doing little buddy?” Adam just nodded his head and offered him some of his chips.

“I’ll have, only if you feed me one,” he said, opening up his mouth. Adam happily obliged popping a piece in his mouth. Zach crunched loudly and Adam began to laugh, slapping him on his cheeks when Zach puffed them out for him. 

I smiled at the sight.

Just then Noah came running back down and handed Zach his shirt back. “Thanks man.”

He put Adam down and replied with a ‘No worries’ before saying Salams, and heading out. 

We all replied our Salams and turned back to watch the movie. Although now I couldn’t quite concentrate. Usually Zach would sit down with us for at least an hour before he left. This time he didn’t even sit and left within five minutes. In fact, he hadn’t made eye contact or said one word to me.

****

A/N

Salams to all my awesome readers! Firstly I want to say how amazing you all are. I have been receiving the most pleasant and friendly comments from all of you. I never thought I would get this much reads and on top of that you guys are so supportive. May Allah bless you all! 

I hope you guys like this chapter! It’s kind of chill and a bit of a filler. I wanted to show how Yasmine is attempting to deal with the concept of death to bring in her family a bit more. I wanted to make it longer but I had a killer 8-hour shift today and my eyes are shutting at the moment. But I didn’t want to sleep before uploading something for all you hectic people.

How did you guys like it? And what did you think of her little outburst and Zach’s behaviour? Please leave some comments and as always please vote =) 

Stay Awesome! 

Definitions

Athan: Call to prayer 

SubhanAllah: ‘Glory to God’ 

Salam: Greeting in Arabic.

Muslimeen: Muslim plural in Arabic 

Jannah: Heaven 

Capsi: Dish including rice and chicken