"Call on your Lord when your heart is brittle, that is a time when it's in pieces and the Light of Allah (swt) can fill the gaps. That is why Allah (swt) is with the broken hearted." - Shaykh Hamza Yusuf.

Dedicated to @HijabiSoldier for putting up with my annoying ability of being picky regarding covers. And for being an avid supporter of this book! You're awesome!

~ If anyone is willing to make me a new cover please PM me. WARNING: I'm extremely picky.

~ Video on the side is the recitation of Surah Ad-Duha. Such an amazing surah and is correlated to curing depression. Have a listen to it, it's only a minute or so. 

Chapter 18 - Dependent.

I was rooted to my spot, staring at the empty space Zach had occupied only a few seconds ago. The tears were silently falling now and I could feel the lump in my throat grow in size. A whirlwind of emotions passed through my body, to the extent that I no longer knew what I was feeling. 

It was only when I felt two hands, one on my right shoulder and one on my left, squeeze me comfortingly, that I let out the sob that was almost chocking me. 

"Yasmine, are you OK?" Nadia's soft voice floated towards me and she attempted to hug me but I shrugged her off and walked into my room. I hated when people asked that. Couldn't they see I wasn't OK? Did one have to always explain themselves, even when it was plainly clear they could no longer maintain the fight? People would ask that question as if crying was unnatural and wrong. Didn't they realise, that in order to heal, one had to first expel the hurt and pain within them?

I ripped my jilbab off and pulled my skirt down throwing them anywhere out of my sight. I crawled onto the bed and clutched my pillow to my chest, curling my body into foetal position. I sobbed silently; I was never a 'loud' crier. I always thought that crying showed the most vulnerable and raw part of you, a glimpse into your soul, almost. It was the moment when your body and mind decided they absolutely could not handle the damage.

I felt two bodies lie down next to me, the warmth from the twins bodies making me feel slightly better. Without hesitation, I pulled the pillow closer to me and covered my face. I hated it when people saw me cry. 

I shed tears for an hour straight with one thought continuously drifting through my mind; one day, very soon, I would wake up and not have the privilege of seeing Zach. The fact that he wouldn't be walking with me to uni or sitting next to me in our history lecture. He wouldn't be there to give me the funniest birthday gifts. He wouldn't be there to gang up with me against Noah. 

The thought hurt way more than it should have. 

But more than that - the betrayal. I realised that it wasn't that he didn't ask or tell me of him applying to exchange that pained me. It was the fact that he wanted to leave, could leave, not only me, but all of us. 

I couldn't help but remember words he uttered to me, over six years ago. 

"I can't believe Noah did that to his teacher. That's just slack." Zach laughed, although his green eyes never lost sight of the neighbouring buildings. He would even look up at the sky once or twice.

"I reckon it was awesome. I asked Noah for some super glue too, cause I wanted to ensure Ms. Salameh never leaves her seat." His eyes briefly left his surroundings and landed on me, before he laughed out loud, his small dimples showing in the sunlight. 

"You're so evil Yasmine," he chuckled, ruffling his hair before he allowed his eyes to encapture our surroundings again.

"You know in the few months I've known you, I've noticed something." I pulled my own thick curls into a ponytail, especially since the heat was beginning to get ruthless.

"And what's that?" he asked, looking ahead, with a small smile on his face.

"You look around too much. As if someone is going to jump out at us any moment."

He shrugged. "You can't be too careful." 

I huffed. "Well it's annoying." 

His smile grew and without a response he continued to walk ahead. I sighed. Zach was too quiet for my liking. 

We walked in silence for a few minutes before I spoke up again. "Zach?" 

"Mmm?" There was a deep frown on his face, making him look ten years older than his age. 

I kicked a pebble. "If you could ever leave here...you know...leave Gaza and go live somewhere safer. Would you do it?"  I looked up to observe his face - I tend to do that a lot - but instead of him replying to my question he was turned around so his back was to me, staring up at the sky. His brows were knitted and it appeared he was trying to make something out in the sky. 

We both saw the airburst at the same time, the gas shells landing and exploding some ten metres away from us. We heard distant screams which became louder and louder and within seconds the air began to fill up with a white smoke. Looking up, the Israeli planes were merciless, raining down shell after shell. 

"RUN, YASMINE. GO!"

It was only when Zach practically pushed me did I start running - to where I didn't know. I followed Zach until we ran along the side of a building, arriving at a metal door. He tried to open it and it wouldn't budge. 

"Bismillah." He tried again but it didn't open. I looked up at the sky, the white streamers of gas looking like claws amongst the blue sky. 

"Zach...," I said, my voice shaking. "What is that?!" 

"Phosphorous gas," was his clipped reply. I looked at him my eyes wide with fear. I had heard the effects of white phosphorous gas from dad. I remember him talking with Noah about it:

'When it shatters, it'll explode with a strong energy force, releasing with it metal tungsten alloy. Do you know what that is son? It doesn't matter but you know what does? Due to air resistance and inertia, it'll turn into dust burning everything within four metres. If it touches your skin, the heat can burn you right through to your bone and in most cases you'll have to get a limb amputated. What's even worse? It can get inside your organs.' 

A ripping sound broke me from my reverie and I watched as Zach ripped half his sleeve off, wrapping the cloth around my face, covering my nose and mouth and tying a knot securely behind my head. He did the same for himself before he grabbed my hand and started running again. I was on his heels, running until I felt like my lungs were about to burst.

Somehow we found a building - a restaurant it looked like - and we entered, only briefly taking in the people around us as they shut the windows, some of them screaming out "Allahu Akbar!"

I was shaking now, my body almost vibrating and all I could do was watch, helplessly, as Zach grabbed two tables and slammed them against the wall. How was this twelve year old boy not freaking out?

"Get under," he ordered. His green eyes were hard now but they softened slightly when he saw what state I was in. He grabbed my arm again and pulled my small, petite body under the table with him. He didn't give up, bringing my face to his chest, and everytime I tried to move my head, he'd stop me and secure his arm around my neck. 

"If you breathe in this gas Yasmine, it'll be on my hands. Stop moving," he demanded. I wanted to protest, not understanding how he would be responsible, but I knew from his tone and the air of finality that came with it, I had better not argue.

After what felt like hours - when it had probably only been a few minutes - of listening to the destructive sounds outside, did Zach speak again.

"And to answer your question. No I would never leave. If I left, I'd be a true coward." 

I rubbed my heavy and now puffy eyes, forcing myself to end the painful flashback. 2008 felt like yesterday, when Israel launched Operation Cast Lead, killing over three-hundred and fifty Gazans. I had only survived because of him. Because of Zach. He had been the reason for my survival countless of times. 

So why was he leaving when he said himself he wouldn't. Why? I sighed and closed my eyes. 

Nadia and Rida were still next to me and although I felt them glance at me every now and then, they kept quiet and let me cry, for which I was grateful. At some point - I don't remember when - they had both grabbed one of my hands and were clenching onto me tightly. 

The crying had drained me, leaving my body exhausted and my mind confused. I just lay there, one hand in Nadias and the other in Ridas, hiccuping every few minutes. 

Since it was so quiet in the room, we heard the exact moment when Noah came home. I groaned. 

"Rida," I began, my voice raspy. "Can you go and lock my door." She nodded her head before separating her hand from mine and getting up. I knew that all it took was one glance and he'd realise something was wrong with me. I didn't feel like an interrogation at the moment. 

I'm surprised Noah and I weren't twins because only two minutes later there was a knock on our door, before the knob was twisted, somewhat violently.

"Yasmine? Open up dude. Why's the door locked?" I sighed again. I knew Noah trusted me, but sometimes I felt like he thought I'd jump out of my window and run away.  

I didn't reply and rolled over onto my back, slipping under the covers with great difficulty, since both Rida and Nadia were sitting atop the blanket as well. 

"Not now Noah," Nadia yelled. 

"You guys are in there too? What're you doing?" 

"Crap, what should we tell him?" Nadia asked, scratching her head.

I shrugged.

"We're...ummm...," Rida said, biting her lip. "We're waxing OK. Girl stuff, you can't come in!" 

Nadia groaned. "Out of all the things Rida!" 

"What, I had to pick something that would make him uncomfortable," she whisper-yelled back. 

"OK I really didn't need to know that." Noah said, his footsteps walking away. "Yuck," he mumbled before he went into his room. 

Closing my eyes again, I attempted to sleep. My thoughts were still running wild and the only thing that would relax my mind, is if I slept. 

It didn't take me very long. 

****

When I woke up a few hours later, I was sweating uncontrollably. I literally felt like someone had got a bucket of water and poured it over me. I tried to get up but for some reason I couldn't. What the hell? 

It felt like there was a layer of bricks on me. Since it was still dark I couldn't see properly and after much struggle, I managed to get my upper body free. I switched the lamp that rested on my bedside table on and covered my eyes slightly, the change in lighting burning my eyes. After my eyes adapted, I looked around me to see four other people sleeping on my bed.

No wonder, I thought. The twins were still by my side but Deana and Adam were sprawled out at the end of my bed, a separate blanket covering them. I smiled at the sight before me and kissed each one of them, before getting up and heading to the bathroom. 

Alhamdulillah, my body was it's own alarm clock and woke up automatically at the time of fajr. It was 3am and since I still had some time, I decided to take a quick shower and made wudu', before slipping into a tank top and pyjama bottoms. Usually, I would never take a shower in the morning but I felt dirty and I needed a major wake-up call.

As I brushed my hair, I inevitably caught the sight of myself in the mirror. To no-one in particular I might've seemed fine, but to those who had a trained eye, they would spot the puffy bags surrounding my eyes and the sudden paleness of my face. My freckles seemed to come alive on my heated face but I couldn't help but also notice how tired I looked. 

I sighed and was about to walk back into my room when I spotted a person standing by the doorway. I let out a short scream before I realised it was Deana. 

"Ya Allah, kid. I nearly had a coronary." She just smiled at me and watched me walk back into the room. Deana had always been a child of few words and she rarely spoke to strangers, unless spoken to. You sometimes forgot she was even in the same room as you. 

Zach's exactly the same. 

"Why are you awake?" I spread out my prayer mat and relaxed on it, gesturing for her to come to me. I sat her in my lap and kissed the side of her head. 

"I heard you wake up and then I couldn't go back to sleep," she said, her big brown doe like eyes staring up at me. For some reason, she looked so much like Noah at this moment and I couldn't help but smile at her warmly. 

"That's alright. I'm going to pray fajr now, do you want to pray with me?" She nodded her head vigorously.  

"Do you remember how to pray?" She nodded again. Although she was seven, Deana was extremely intelligent and had memorised a whole juz' of the Qu'ran by the time she was five. 

"OK wake the twins up, but careful not to wake Adam." It wasn't obligatory for a Muslim to pray until they had reached puberty but it was good to teach and habituate children from a young age so that they were more steadfast when they grew older.

I went to grab all the prayer clothes for us, including a miniature jilbab for Deana. On the way out I popped my head into Noah and my parents room, to find they had already prayed and we're reading Qur'an.

Whilst I waited for the twins to make wudu' I checked my phone. I only found a few whatsapp messages from Salma and Shaymah. My heart constricted at the fact that Zach hadn't messaged me. A part of me hoped he would come back tomorrow and tell me he was joking and that he had only wanted to rile me up. 

I shook my head and decided to rid myself of these thoughts. It was prayer time and my focus should only be towards Allah (swt) and nothing else. After we had all prayed a congregational prayer, I pulled out my Qur'an and flipped to my favourite Surah, Ad Duha. It was my habit to start off with that surah first, before continuing in my flow of reading. The girls did the same and pulled out their own Qur'an to begin reading.

"This is an amazing sight, Mash'Allah." We all simultaneously looked towards the doorway to find Noah observing us a grin on his face. He strolled in an took the Qur'an out of Deana's hand. She didn't say anything but just looked up at him questiongly. 

"I forgot my first juz' Deana and I need you to recite it all to me." He smiled mischievously at her. It was tradition, Noah did it with all of us. Every night, or whenever he could, he'd make us recite what we knew off by heart to him, so he ensured that we were constant in our memorisation and pronunciation. Deana sat up straight and instantly she became serious. She closed her eyes and began reciting.

I closed my own Qur'an and we all sat back listening to her soft, childlike voice, with Noah only interrupting her to correct any errors. With every verse she uttered, I felt my worries drifting away and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep against my bed.

****

I was walking into uni, rubbing my aching neck. After I had fallen back asleep last night, none of my loving, caring siblings thought to adjust my body so I didn't wake up with a stiff neck.

"Idiots," I mumbled. 

To add to the burn, it was Monday. Ya Allah, how I hated Mondays.

Zach decided to do all business subjects this semester, so he was no longer in any history classes with me. 

I hadn't eaten anything this morning since, as usual, I was running late. I felt slightly queasy but I dismissed the feeling and walked through the gates of my uni. I considered myself a fast walker but once I saw Zach and his group of friends sitting on a bench, messing around with each other, I was on the verge of running. I quickly glimpsed at Zach, taking in how detached he was from his friends, leaning against the pole and just observing them, his eyes far-off.

Please don't see me, please don't see me. 

"Salam Yasmine!" Just keep walking you didn't hear anything. 

"Hey! Yasmine!" Damn you Jamal and your big mou-, 

Before I could even finish my abusive thought, my fast pace caused me to trip on a rock and I tumbled forward, right before the group of boys. The folder that was in my hands flew out of reach, my bag now scattered on the floor and my hijab disheveled slightly. I grit my teeth and took in a deep breath, before I attempted to get up. 

Of course, none other than Zach was standing in front of me, holding my folder and bag out to me. "You alright?" he asked, his green eyes dancing across my face. The boys were laughing good-naturedly behind Zach, but I didn't even care.

"Yeah." My nausea increased slightly and I felt myself sway. "I think." I added. 

I suddenly became really hot, feeling like I was on fire and there was a distinct ringing in my ears. 

"Yasmine, look at me," I heard. No not now!

"Zach!" I called, reaching my hands out to him, before I lost complete control of my body.

The last thing I remember was falling into strong arms.

Definitions:

Allah: 'God'

Allahu Akbar: 'Allah is the greatest'

Mash'Allah: 'As god has willed'

Hijab: Scarf/veil

Bismillah: 'In the name of Allah'

Fajr: Dawn prayer 

Wudu': Ablution

Surah: Chapter in the Qur'an.

Alhamdulillah: 'All praise and thanks is due to Allah'

Juz': 'Part' - There are 30 juz' or parts of the Qur'an

Qur'an: Islamic Holy Book

Jilbab: Long scarf that covers whole upper body, reaching just above the knees