"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small crampled dark inside you so long." - Sylvia Plath.

Dedicated to @foreverdreaming96 because she be my Palestinian homie. But seriously, insh'Allah me and you are reunited as sisters in Palestine, because you never know, we could be alive when Palestine is liberated. Love you ❤

~ Can I just say how much the comments on the last chapter made me laugh. A #teamZach and #teamAbdullah have been created already! You guys are too funny and I love you all! ❤

Chapter 17 - Confession.

Isn't it funny how we think that we have full control of time, when in reality, time has us wrapped around it's finger. We fool ourselves into believing we have all the time in the world to do everything and anything we possibly want to, as if even the next second is guaranteed. We plan and plan but we always forget there is One who is the best of planners.

It was also funny, how waves of philosophical, deep thoughts, always plagued me when I was attempting to study. I couldn't help it though; in only six months, my life had taken quite a drastic turn. It's as if life was trying to tell me, hurry up, you can't be young forever.

Starting uni at the beginning of this year was definitely the highlight, especially when it felt like I was in school for an eternity.

Three months ago I lost Ehab and only three weeks ago, I had nearly gotten killed myself. Sorrowful tears immediately burned in my eyes at the thought of a four year old deceased Ehab, but I blinked them away, assuring myself he was with the Most High now. 

Ramadan was only a week away.

And now I was familiarizing myself with a man who could possibly become my husband. The thought itself blew me away but I also knew anything could happen. It had been over two weeks since Abdullah and his families visit and they had been over four more times since then. Due to his work and the distance between our houses they could not visit as often as preffered. 

I leaned back against my chair and let loose my long, curly hair from it's bun, which was starting to give me a headache. As I massaged my scalp, I closed my eyes and recalled Abdullah's last two visits. Abdullah and I had sat in the kitchen alone both times, to get better acquainted with each other, without the eyes of the parents and annoyingly enough, Noah. He did come and sit with us once or twice but then mum would come in and give him 'the look' ie. 'get out before I burn you with my eyes' and he'd sigh before eventually leaving. 

As of yet, I hadn't experienced any major flaws in Abdullah that would entail me ending the relationship. He was sweet, kind-hearted and extremely gentle, something he must've inherited from his father, I realised. I couldn't help but wonder how he'd ever handle my controlling, aggressive side, if things really moved forward. God help him.

Yes, I actually pity people who have to deal with me.

Looking at the open psychology textbook infront of me, which read, 'Lifespan, health and resilience,' I couldn't help but scowl before getting up and walking towards my window. Pulling apart my dark magenta curtains, I opened up the window, allowing some fresh air to flow in. The weather was absolutely perfect at evening time; the temperature was just right, there was only a slight breeze which didn't agitate the trees in the least, and the dark night sparkled with it's magnificent stars. I crossed my arms and leaned my head against the sill, just absorbing the beauty that came with nature. 

My tranquil moment of peace was broken by Rida slamming the door open.

"Yasmineeee," she sulked. 

Leaving the window, I walked towards her. "What's wrong?" 

She brushed her brown hair out of her face before holding out a sheet of paper for me to look at. "Do you know how to solve this equation?" 

I looked at it, and instantly frowned in confusion. "Rida, you know my mathematical capabilites don't surpass that of 2+2." 

She groaned and launched herself face down onto my bed. I laughed at her dramatics before asking her why she didn't ask Nadia.

"She said she's not going to help me." 

"Why?" 

"Because I took her pencil case and didn't want to return it to her. She has like ten pencil cases, geez." I stifled my laugh and then grabbed her two arms and pulled her off the bed. 

She just lay there on the floor, unmoving. "I hate maths," she said, her voice muffled, from the carpet underneath her. She's lucky I vaccummed everyday.

Suddenly she sprang up and I could practically see the light bulb turn on above her head. "I know! Can you message Zach and tell him to come tutor me? Pleaseeee," she begged. 

"I don't know," I said, hesitantly. "He has his own work to do Rida. Plus, he'll be leaving for soccer in about an hour," I finished, looking at my wrist watch. 

"He can come now and help me, just with this topic before going. Please, I really need the help!" Looking at her helpless face I gave a resigned sigh, before picking up my phone. 

"Fine." I need to speak to him anyway. He had been extremely distant and lately his behaviour was annoying me. 

'Salam Zuzu. Can you come over now and help Rida with math? She's desperate!' 

I went and sat by the window again and Rida just stood there, as if the world would end soon, if she didn't figure out this equation. After five minutes I received a reply.

'Wasalam. I'll be there in ten.' 

I sighed at another of his dry messages, before throwing my phone on my bed. "He's coming," I told Rida.

"Yes! Thank you, thank you," she said, before running back into her room. "Noah! Move out of the way!" I heard her yell, a few seconds later. There was a ninety nine percent chance he was blocking the door, just to piss her off. 

"First you have to say, 'Noah is the most amazing-,'" and then I zoned out. Moving towards my cupboard to get dressed, since Zach would be here soon, I slipped on a simple black skirt and a purple jilbab. "Gorilla," I heard Noah abuse me, as he walked past my room. I didn't even bother to reply to him and just shook my head at the supposed 21 year old. 

Reattempting to study, I sat back down at my desk and tried to finish off my reading for the week. I had only gotten through two pages when the door bell rang. Walking to edge of the stairs, I leaned my arms against the rail and peeked down into the living room where dad and Zach were shaking hands. 

"Hows uni? And your mother and Jacob?" My parents would ask Zach everytime they saw him about his family as if they didn't ask him the same thing only a day before.

"Alhamdulillah."

"Tell your mum we'll have another BBQ soon. After all your exams end maybe." 

"Insh'Allah," he replied, before my dad slapped him on the back and then sat back down, picking up his ahwi and finishing it off. Mum had, cutely enough, went out for coffee with Salma's mum and another one of their friends, so when Zach popped his head into the kitchen, she wasn't there. 

"Mum's not here," I said, from above the staircase. 

Zach looked around him, before his confused eyes travelled upwards. "Aha," he said, nodding. "Can I come up?" he asked. I noted how his green eyes looked at anything but me, a common habit in the last two weeks. 

"Yeh, Rida's waiting," I said. He took off his soccer shoes and left them at the end of the staircase, since mum hated anyone wearing shoes upstairs and walked up, ever so slowly. 

When he reached the top, he turned to me and asked, "is she ready? I've got to leave soon." Staring at his angular face, I attempted to discern what was wrong with him. His green eyes were blank and hidden as if he knew what I was doing and I saw him clench and unclench his jaw. "Yasmine?" I allowed my eyes to leave his face and I rubbed at my temples tiredly.

"Yeah go right in." Without another glance he knocked onto the twin's door and then walked in when Rida yelled out for him to enter. 

Lets see how long he can keep up this act for.

I walked in after him and as I suspected, Zach and Rida were sitting on the floor with the papers spread out infront of them. Nadia was on her bed doing her own work but I didn't miss her flushed cheeks.

Pulling up one of the chairs, I positioned it so I was facing them. Zach looked up from writing something on the paper to look at me questioningly. "What are you doing?" 

"Observing." 

He cocked an eyebrow. "Observing what?" he asked, his eyes staring into mine relentlessly.

Shrugging, I stared right back into his eyes challengingly. "You never know, I could learn something too." 

I could see he understood the double meaning behind my words. "Whatever," he commented, before turning back to the paper infront of him and finishing off his explanation.

Taken aback at his dismissive and slightly angry response, I sat back and crossed my arms in shock. I decided to remain quiet for the remaining duration of their lesson, and just watched Zach, swinging on the chair every now and then. His stiff movements and unwarm, dry responses, had me agitated the whole way through. He would look at me from his peripheral vision every now and then but I didn't dare leave the room. 

If he was uncomfortable, then good. 

About forty minutes later, Rida had finally grasped the concept and she sighed happily. "Thank you sooo much Zach! Honestly, you're a life saver," she said, smiling up at him in gratitude.

He gave her a genuine smile. "No problems. Insh'Allah you do well on your test." He got up and dusted imaginary dust of his hands before making for the door. "Well I better jet since the game is in twenty minutes. Salams," he said. With that, all my anger and annoyance bubbled to the surface, overflowing.

"That's it?" I exclaimed. "You're just going to leave?" 

"I have to," he stated, matter-of-factly. 

"What you really have to do is explain yourself," I demanded, getting up and walking towards him, my hands still crossed over my chest. I could see Nadia and Rida stare at each other questioningly, their eyes wide, but they made the wise decision to stay quiet. 

"What do I have to explain?" He was staring at me again with that blank look and I had the urge to slap it off his face.

"Don't play dumb. The dry messages and conversations, the avoidances, the indifference. Why are you being so distant again? Like last time." 

He was looking down at his feet as I spoke to him and I knew he was trying hard not to show me anything of his emotions. 

"You're going to have to get used to it anyway," he replied dully. 

"What're you talking about?" He looked up, his eyes and body withdrawn. 

"Did you think that me and you could ever remain friends, this close, when you're getting to know someone that could be your husband?" Exasperated he rubbed his stubbled jawline and then ran a hand through his hair. "Be realisitic Yasmine. It can't happen," he finished off. 

"So this is all about Abdullah?" I asked. He gave a humourless laugh before shaking his head.

"No. It's not about him. It's about the situation. We both know this friendship couldn't have lasted that long anyway, with or without Abdullah in the picture. Religion isn't something where you choose which aspects you want to follow and disregard the ones you don't want to. We've clearly been neglecting a large aspect of Islam for too long, Yasmine." 

I had no words to say, which left me standing there, numb and overwhelmed. I had nothing to say because I knew he was right - I had known this for a long time, yet never had the ability to do anything about it. My heart constricted at the reality placed before me and I was left stunned all over again. Tears sprang to my eyes and I looked down, no longer desiring to look into his intense green eyes. The strong, determined Yasmine that existed only minutes ago had now dissolved. 

And even though I knew he was right, his words still cut through me like a knife.

We both know this friendship couldn't have lasted that long anyway, with or without Abdullah in the picture

"Ofcourse we'll always be friends Yasmine." His voice came out soft, as if sensing my sudden despair. "We just can't be as close as we are now."

"I know," was all I could manage through a ragged breath. 

"I guess now is a good time to tell you...," he mumbled. 

"Tell me what?" I asked, finally looking up. 

His eyes flickered towards me before he looked back down, clearly hesitant in telling me. "I applied for exchange..." 

Instantly, my eyes widened and my arms fell from their crossed position. "You did what?" I whispered, my voice coming out hoarse and low.

At my reaction, I could see a flash of regret and hurt cross his eyes. "It's for the best. I'll leave to Sweden and finish off my bachelor there, at one of the best universities. It's only for three years," was his clipped answer.

All I could do was stare at him. I was staring at him because I believed that maybe if I stared long enough, he'd admit this was a joke and that he was staying here. That he wasn't leaving me.

This time I didn't hold back the tears that were blurring my vision. "You did that...without telling me. Without even asking me?" 

He shook his head, defeated. "Sorry." 

"You want to leave....why?" I asked, my voice cracking on the last word, unable to comprehend what he was telling me. I realised he was slowly inching backwards, his own face filled with pain. "Why?!" I practically yelled, making him jump slightly.  

"I'm so sorry Yasmine," he whispered, before turning around and bolting out the door. 

And suddenly, my life had been turned upside down.

****

A/N

*cricket sounds* WERE YOU EXPECTING THAT? I BET YOU WEREN'T! Jeez, talk about an intense chapter! Things are finally really happening guys and it'll only get better from here! 

Am trying to update as much as possible before exams hit me hard! Insh'Allah kheir...

I've also realised some chapters, there are heaps of comments and low votes and vice versa on other chappies. PLEASE VOTE + COMMENT = MY HAPPINESS. 

Stay awesome amigos ❤

Definitions:

Insh'Allah: 'If Allah wills'

Alhamdulillah: 'All praise is to Allah'

Ramadan: Islamic holy month, where we fast from sunrise to sunset. 

Ahwi: Coffee