"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." - Johnny Depp. 

~ If you want, I recommend playing the song on the side. It'd just make more sense towards the end. Sorry for the short chapter but uni has been a dog and I have no time to do anything other than study. 

P.s. Yasmine's feelings in this chapter have been intentionally left vague.

Chapter 23 - Can't Let Go.

“You know that after you’ve given birth to the child, you still have to ‘birth’ the placenta,” Salma casually stated, as she wrote something in her notebook.

Both Miriam and I gave her a disgusted and somewhat traumatised look. I shuddered and tried to erase the graphic image forming in my head.

“Thanks for the interesting fact Salma but we didn’t want to know that,” Miriam voiced on my behalf. 

“What? Oh come on, you guys will all have to go through this one day,” she defended, looking from face to face.  

“No thanks,” I said, nonchalantly flipping through my textbook.  

There was only one week of Ramadan left and exams had already started. We were all seated in the library studying, or at least, trying to. Personally, none of this information was being absorbed into my brain. The exams were due to finish the day before Eid and we were all literally counting down the minutes until our last exam. I had two more left and then the all nighters, overload of coffee and baggy eyes would be no more.  

“You say that now but give it a few years,” Salma retorted, squaring her shoulders, making to look smart with her glasses hanging on the bridge of her nose.  

I snorted. “OK nurse Salma.” 

“We’ll see.” She smiled and continued writing in her notebook.  

We continued to work for half an hour in complete silence, when suddenly someone threw their bag down on the table violently. We all looked up in surprise to find Shaymah jumping on the spot and clapping her hands, a huge grin lighting her face.  

“Well hello dear,” Miriam said, giving her an amused smile.

“Why are you so happy?” I grumbled. Salma turned away from Shaymah to look at me, frowning at my sullen mood. 

“OMG guys! Guess what?! OMG you’ll never guess, so I’m just going to tell you!” She continued jumping and the movement was beginning to give me a headache. 

“Spit it out Shaymah,” I said impatiently. 

“Bahia’s pregnant!” she exclaimed. At her statement, Salma and Miriam immediately jumped up and encased her in a hug, shrieking in surprise. It took me a moment to realise what she had said, since my sponge of a brain seemed to be just filtering out everything I read or heard today, but when I registered her words, I attacked her in a hug too. 

“No way! You’re going to be an aunt!” I chirped, genuinely happy for her.  

“I know!” She squealed and began jumping again. I put my hands on her shoulders and forced her into a nearby chair. “I am so excited! Especially because it’s the first grandchild you know!?” 

“Your parents must be over the moon,” Salma said, her voice laced with happiness. 

“Oh, they are!”

And just like that, studying flew out the window and for the next hour or two until iftar time, we all talked about the new baby, how many weeks Bahia was, how we were going to spoil her/him. I was truly happy for them, as I knew that a newborn child could light up the world for a family. 

We spoke a bit about our exams and the upcoming Eid, before we decided to leave and head home to break our fast. Since Salma’s house was in the same direction as mine, we fell into step with each other and walked in a comfortable silence. 

“So…” Salma drawled, after a few minutes. “Do you have your periods?”

I looked at her weirdly. “Umm, no. Why?” 

“Oh nothing, you were just acting a bit moody back there.” When I didn’t reply, she asked, “everything all right?”  

Sometimes I hated how well Salma could read me. Almost as well as Zach. Almost. 

“I don’t know…when I do, I’ll give you an answer.” In response, she gave me a small smile and nodded her head understandingly. She didn’t try to prod and poke. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow? And you know I’m just a phone call away.” She kissed my cheek and gave me a tight hug, before heading off towards her house. I sighed and adjusted my sunglasses. The sun was out in full force today and no thanks, but I didn’t want my eyes to sizzle.  

As I neared my house, I was surprised to find Abdullah leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and eyes closed as the sun shined and warmed his face. I assumed he was waiting for me, so I quickened my steps and coughed when I was close enough for him to hear me. 

His eyes cracked open and when he saw me standing in front of him, he pushed himself off the wall and smiled.

“Asalamu alaikum Yasmine. How are you?” 

I smiled back. “Wa alaikum asalam. Good alhamdulillah yourself?” 

“Alhamdulillah…” he trailed off. When he didn’t continue speaking, I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

“So umm…what brings you here Abdullah? I mean, not that it’s not great to see you but you don’t usually come this early in the day.”  

I watched as he scratched his neck before audibly swallowing, his adams apple bobbing up and down. He was nervous, that much I could tell. 

“Is everything OK?” I pushed, looking over him worriedly. 

“Not really Yasmine.”  

Confused, I gestured for him to sit down on one of the porch chairs. I sat in the other and put my bag down, turning around to face him. Abdullah had visited frequently during this month and he had even had iftar with us multiple times. The last time I had seen him was a week ago and other than my slightly out of it mood and constant stressing for exams, I thought everything was fine. 

Until he started speaking. 

“I don’t know how else to say this except to be brutally honest.” He glanced at my face momentarily then returned his gaze to the floor. “I don’t think this relationship should continue.”

Growing up, my friends had always told me I had the most inappropriate and oddest reactions to situations. I always denied it but I guess they were right all along. Because, instead of being distraught, angry or even heartbroken, all I did was blink at him. 

And then, I burst out laughing.

Yes, I actually laughed. In his face. 

Abdullah was completely taken aback and seeing his reaction only made me laugh harder. Was I being rude? I wasn’t sure.

“I don’t understand what’s so funny,” Abdullah spoke up, his voice tinged with annoyance.  

“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping away a tear. “Please, continue what you were saying.” 

He looked at me as if I had just grown two heads and I didn’t blame the poor guy. I didn’t even know why I was laughing. I confused myself more-so than I confused others.  

“Well OK then…I wanted to come and see you, to tell you face to face my reasons for ending, err, this.” I nodded and urged him to continue. “You’re a great person Yasmine, I felt that the first time I met you. Before, when I saw you around uni, you were always content, laughing, smiling, without a care in the world. As if nothing affected you. And I guess that intrigued me. However, the last few weeks I’ve realised that something between us, just isn’t clicking. I know that sounds cliché but I felt like the fervour between us slowly dwindled. Now, it seems like you’ve got a bucketload on your mind, you stopped giving me any sort of attention and me coming over seemed almost a routine to you. 

I always told myself that I wouldn’t get into a relationship where I didn’t feel both people were giving one-hundred percent. Nor would I ever get involved with someone who didn’t seem as excited and content as I. I feel like you aren’t taking me seriously nor are you ready for marriage, or at least, not with me. I hope you respect my honesty Yasmine, this is what I feel and I in no way intended to hurt you or disrespect you.” 

Now that my bout of laughter ended, I really didn’t know how to react. Wasn’t I supposed to be feeling something? I felt kind of hollow. Not knowing how to discern my feelings, I decided to settle on a mature answer.

“I completely understand Abdullah. You didn’t offend or disrespect me in any way. You’re right - I haven’t been taking this seriously, in fact, I’m sorry that I’ve wasted your time. You deserve someone better and I know you’ll find the person you’re looking for. Someone who’s going to complete your other half. I guess it’s not me.” My lips lifted into a small smile.  

He exhaled, relief etched on his face. I guess he was glad I didn't blow up in his face or anything like that. He rubbed his neck and got up, taking a step away from me. 

“Thank you for understanding Yasmine. I wish you all the best and I don’t regret meeting you, not one bit. Tell your parents I said goodbye and give them my sincerest regards. Asalamu alaikum.”  

“Will do. Wa alaikum asalam.” I watched him walk off and get into his car. He sped off, working up dust and sand in the process, that eventually drifted and faded off into the orange sunset. 

Abrupt. That was abrupt.  

****

I resolved to do something I hadn’t done in a long time. I was lying down on my roof, staring up at the twinkling stars, my arms lay flat against my stomach. The night sky was relaxing in so many ways. It presented a whole new world to you. It promised you a world where all your worries and stressors would diminish. You could be a star, the light battling darkness. 

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, the fresh air soothing my mind and soul. 

I hated being this person. The kind of person who let the actions of others define their well being, their mood, their feelings, everything. And I wasn’t even talking about Abdullah.  

I wasn’t the type of girl to fall over my feet because of a guy. Yet here I was, unable to function because my best friend was leaving me. I wanted to hate him but every fibre of my being went against the thought.  

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. 

“Yasmine! Do you mind coming down?” My heartbeat immediately sped up.

You got me higher than ever 

I got up and peeked my head over the edge of the roof. There, stood Zach. His arms were crossed and he was tapping his foot, not impatiently but he didn’t look very happy either. 

“You know, for someone who wants to stop associating with me, you show up a lot.”  

I heard him mumble something but couldn’t quite catch it. He threw something up at me and I caught it just in time. Looking down, a snickers bar was in my hand. 

“I’d come up but I know you don’t want to see anyone right now. I’m assuming you haven’t eaten anything so…” I couldn’t properly make out his face in the dark but his tone of voice seemed edgy. 

With every time you get closer

“Well thanks,” I replied awkwardly.

He was about to walk off before he changed his mind and turned back around. “Before I go just tell me. Why did he end it?” He rubbed his jaw and now I could sense the anger in his voice. 

“Don’t worry Zach. His reasons were completely justified.” I spoke softly but I knew he heard me. 

“As you say...I don’t think he deserved you anyway.” With that, he walked off.  

My heart beats over and over

I know that was the anger speaking. If only he knew, that it was because of me, not Abdullah, that things had ended. I lay back down and twirled the rock charm on the bracelet he had given me. I picked up the snickers bar, peeled the wrapper off and took a bite. It was soft and sweet, with just the right amount of crunchiness. It instantly made me a tad happier. 

I continued laying down for ten, twenty minutes before a sudden realisation hit me. A realisation that had been present in my mind for a long time, but had only just been awakened. It was like an explosion of thoughts in my mind.  

I jumped down from the roof in one swift motion and began running at full speed towards Zach’s house.  

So fast, that I can’t control it 

I should have done this a long time ago. I should have not waited for my feelings to become so muddled, that I hurt others in the process. 

With that thought in mind, my feet slammed harder against the ground, my breath was coming out in short pants and I could feel the sweat forming due to the already heated night.  

What have I got myself into?

Within minutes I had reached Zach’s house and I wasted no time in frantically knocking on the door. I disregarded all thoughts of how wrong this was. My adrenaline was too strong now, my goal solidified and I neededto do this. 

After a few seconds, the door opened and revealed the only person I wanted to see.  

Confusion and shock were plastered on his face as he took me in. I didn’t wait a second longer, incase I suddenly decided to run back in the other direction.  

“Zach,” I breathed, still trying to catch my breath.

“I love you.”  

Would you catch me, I’m falling for you? 

A/N

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Definitions:

Ramadan: Islamic holy month, where Muslims fast from sunrise till sunset 

Iftar: Breaking of the fast 

Eid: Islamic celebration a day after Ramadan ends