Seungkwan felt like floating to the surface. He could finally breathe now. He could even see the light now. It had been way too dark to look for anything but now he knew he wasn't lost.

Consciousness was calling to him.

He could hear light snores around him. He could smell that clean bleach hospital smell which he could recognise even in his nightmares. His mouth was as dry as a desert.

He tried moving his fingers and was relived when they all did what his brain commanded them to. He tried to move his hand but there was pressure on it.

Is someone holding my hand??

Seungkwan opened his eyes and his blurry vision confirmed that he'd require more sleep than this to feel better. Light from a corner of the room bathed the room in harsh glow.

Still, the light above his head was off, so it was easy on his eyes.

He moved his head and felt the soft pillow on his cheek. He moved his hand again and this time, the pressure on his hand vanished.

"Kwannie?? Are you awake??"

Seungkwan heard the chair scraping and Seungcheol obstructed his view of the curtained window.

He was in a VIP room in a hospital.

"Yeah." Seungkwan said but the sound he made sounded like a grunt.

"Ohh thank god!!" Seungcheol said and fell down on his chair facepalming.

He took Seungkwan's hand in both of his and kissed his knuckles.

"We were so scared...do you feel okay?? Should I call the doctor?" Seungcheol said but he was choking up.

"Hyung....I'm sorry....."

"No...no... it's not your fault. It's probably mine.... Jeonghan had warned me to not leave you alone but I just ignored him....I knew Hansol was gonna be here....I didn't know he'd make the things worse...."

"Nooo..." Seungkwan groaned. " He didn't do anything... if anything, he helped me...a lot, actually."

"But you were doing okay before we left....why would you....you....." He gulped, "why would you do what you did if everything was okay??"

"I....you guys fought because of me.... Jeonghan hyung rejected you because of me...I didn't know what to do...I just wanted a little peace.... I'm so sorry..." Seungkwan sobbed.

"What?? Nooo.... Jeonghan is such an idiot....I swear to god.... he's just confused and he projected everything on you. Listen to me, Kwannie, look at me!"

Seungkwan looked at Seungcheol who was glaring at him but it was somehow not scary because his eyes were filled with tears and his lips were trembling.

"I love you, Seungkwan. Don't ever forget that! Noone, not even Jeonghan can tell you that you mean nothing to me because you do...you're...shit I don't know how to say this..... you're the light... you're the light to our darkness.... you're a breath of fresh air in our very, very stressful lives. You matter, Kwannie. I don't know what to say to you to make you believe that you will never ever be the cause of any of my problems. Never. You hear me??"

"But-" Seungcheol got out of the chair and hugged Seungkwan tightly.

"NO!! No buts...I love you, unconditionally...both of you...." Seungkwan saw his eyes flickered to the couch at the far end of the room and Seungkwan saw Jeonghan and Vernon wrapped around each other, snoring away.

Seungkwan didn't know who Seungcheol meant when he said both of you. Did he mean Jeonghan? Or Vernon??

Seungkwan hugged him back and relaxed a little. The words he had needed to hear were being spoken directly to him and he couldn't believe it.

"Here...have some water...do you feel dizzy??"

"Yeahh...and a little groggy too... everything's blurry."

"Doctor said it'd be like that until the pills' effects wear off....you should sleep....get it all out of your system...do you want to eat?? Are you hungry??"

Seungkwan shook his head and settled down on the bed again.

Seungcheol covered him with the blanket and turned to go, probably to get a doctor, when Seungkwan held his hand to stop him.

Seungcheol turned around and raised an eyebrow.

"Are you....are you going to leave him now??" Seungkwan said and looked towards the couch.

Seungcheol chuckled.

"Leave?? Him?? I wouldn't be able to do that even if I wanted to.....I love him too much...it's embarassing, really...what would I not do just to keep him in my life..." Seungcheol said and stared at Jeonghan. "I told you I love both of you unconditionally, you and Jeonghan.... you're my family, alongwith Hansol, ofcourse, cannot forget that moron.... sometimes I wonder what you all would do without me?? But then I wonder what would I do without all of you..." Seungcheol looked at Seungkwan and gave him a watery smile "just some random 2am thoughts... that's what you kids call it these days, right??"

Seungkwan chuckled and nodded.

"Sleep now.... we're right here." Seungcheol kissed his forehead and closed his eyes.

Seungkwan opened an eye and looked at Seungcheol's retreating figure.

"I bet a hundred bucks if you can call Jeonghan hyung an idiot on his face."

Seungcheol stopped and turned his head to a side.

"You can bet the most expensive wristwatch Bvlgari sells and still you won't be able to make me say it to his face." Seungcheol said.

"You're so down bad."

"I told you....it's embarassing..."

Seungkwan chuckled and closed his eyes.

He heard Seungcheol sigh and then the sound of the door closing softly.

Seungkwan was floating again. It felt more relaxing this time. Just passing time without any stress in the world. He felt so good. It felt blissful, indeed.

Suddenly he felt the surroundings vibrating, kicking him out of bliss and comfort and he felt his arm being jerked.

Someone was trying to wake him up.

Asshole.

Seungkwan tried to open his eyes but his eyelids were stuck together.

Damn how many pills did I ingest????

Still he tried to open them because the constant pressure on his arm wasn't stopping. He tried to remove the intruder from his arm but his arm was slapped back.

Seungkwan groaned.

"Wake up sleeping beauty. Enough rest. We need to talk. We only have about an hour." He heard Vernon's voice.

So much so for him thinking I had insomnia. Now he knows and he won't let me sleep.

Seungkwan was finally able to open his eyes and the lights overhead were glaringly bright making him squint his eyes.

"Sit up." Vernon said with a blank face.

Seungkwan would be concerned if he wasn't feeling still so out of it.

Seungkwan groaned again and sit up. Adjusting his pillows on his own.

He glared at Vernon who glared back at him.

"A little help would be nice." Seungkwan said.

"So would a little truth." Vernon said back and Seungkwan flinched.

"You don't beat around the bush, do you??"

"Was never my forte." Vernon said sitting on the chair beside his bed and crossing a leg over another's thigh.

Seungkwan settled on his pillows and let out a sigh.

"You lied to me." Vernon spat at him. Seungkwan flinched again.

"I...I didn't. I just didn't tell you the truth."

"Let's see if you would be so calm about this if our places were reversed."

"Then good for you they will never be. I will always be the weakling that I am and you will always be the thick skinned trust fund baby that you are." Seungkwan said and he was himself amazed at the coherence of the words that were leaving his mouth.

"If I am so thick skinned, why didn't any of you told me about your addiction in the first place??"

"It was under control."

"You could've died. Twice. I could've helped. Twice."

"A lot of things could've happened. There's no point considering them now."

"Easy enough for you to say."

"I tried telling you, you know, but you just wanted to fuck my brains out."

"I asked you if it was important...you said it wasn't."

"You said if it were matter of life and death and it wasn't-"

"IT WAS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH GODDAMNIT!! YOU COULD'VE DIED!! DON'T. YOU. GET. IT?????"

Seungkwan's eyes widened. Vernon had never raised his voice on him. Let alone yelled.

"I....I'm sorry..." Seungkwan said timidly.

"Not good enough." Vernon said and took out something from the bag hanging on the chair.

Vernon threw the heavy papers on Seungkwan's chest.

"You need to go away. Pick the place which suits you the most."

Seungkwan caught the papers and realised they were brochures. Brochures of different rehabilitation centres.

"I don't want to go."

"Not your fucking choice." Vernon spat.

"It is my fucking choice....it is my life."

"Yeah?? Well you don't give a flying fuck about your life, Boo Seungkwan and contrary to what you may believe, I DO!! I FUCKING CARE SO YES YOU HAVE TO GO!! YOU NEED HELP!!"

"No one is going anywhere." Seungkwan saw Seungcheol opening the door to the room. "And stop yelling on people. First Jeonghan, now him."

"I'll yell however much I want. Or you guys could actually listen to me and get him some solid help."

"He'll get all the help he needs....he doesn't need a rehab." Seungcheol said looking over the brochures in Seungkwan's hands.

"Hyung..." Vernon pinched the bridge of his nose "...that didn't work the first time...it wouldn't work now..."

"Yes it would, we'll keep an eye on him this time." Seungcheol said pointedly staring at Seungkwan.

"He's not a roudy teenager in a rebel phase....he needs to go away..." Vernon facepalmed.

"There's absolutely nothing that we can't provide for him at home...."

"Your home is the place he needs to get away from....it's your fianc- boyfriend who needs therapy!!

"Careful, Hansol." Seungcheol warned.

"I'M BEING CAREFUL!!! IT'S YOU WHO'S MAKING A MESS!"

"Don't yell!! It's a fucking hospital for god's sake... you'll get us kicked out!!" Seungcheol gritted his teeth.

"I'll yell. I'll yell because I care, because unlike you, I use my brain and not turn it off because of love. "

"I know what I'm doing." Seungcheol said .

"You don't know shit." Vernon scowled.

"What are you even saying??" Seungcheol frowned.

"Do you even know the shit Jeonghan hyung said to Seungkwan?? He's a mess, physically and mentally!! He fucking fainted right here like a minute ago...I cannot trust your-"

"Wait what?? Is he okay?? What happened??" Seungkwan asked, baffled with what was going on.

"-decisions when this is what it has come to....how long are you going to sweep everything under the rug? Jeonghan hyung needs therapy as much as, if not more, Seungkwan!!" Vernon continued as if he didn't hear Seungkwan.

"He is GOING TO THERAPY DAMNIT!!" Seungcheol slammed his fist in the nearby wall and Seungkwan flinched.

"What??" Seungkwan frowned.

Vernon's jaw dropped. The revelation rendering him speechless.

Seungcheol collapsed in the chair beside Seungkwan's bed and facepalmed.

"Don't you dare fucking say anything about Jeonghan... I'll kill you with my bare hands." Seungcheol growled at Vernon.

"I love him too." Vernon whispered.

"Not as much as me." Seungcheol spat.

Seungkwan started chuckling. The chucle turned into a laugh which turned maniacal in seconds.

Vernon and Seungcheol looked at each other and gave concerned looks.

"God you did it...you cracked him... he's insane... he's gone crazy!!" Vernon said to Seungcheol.

"Both of you are insane!!!" Seungkwan said wiping a tear out of his eye.

"Kwannie-"

"SHUT UP!"

"But-"

"Ohh you wanna talk?? Spill about Jeonghan hyung going to therapy. Everything!"

Seungcheol sighed.

"I....I....when I was like 13 years old...I got stuck in an elevator...for days...I developed a fear of elevators...I can't ride elevators...not without panic attacks..."

"What the fuck?? Why do I know nothing about you??"

"Nobody knows... except appa...and Jeonghan....so Jeonghan made me go to therapy and-

"You're going to therapy too???" Seungkwan asked.

"-this one time, my therapist insisted that Jeonghan be there, you know, just support system stuff..."

Vernon nodded while Seungkwan looked on in confusion how this had anything to do with Jeonghan.

"...so Jeonghan came and my therapist went crazy...like, I don't know what she saw in Jeonghan but she insisted Jeonghan needs therapy more than he needs oxygen...." Seungcheol gulped.

"It's very obvious, hyung...if you removed your rose tinted glasses, you'll see." Vernon said and earned glares from both Seungkwan and Seungcheol.

"Jeonghan refused, naturally..."

"Yeah... naturally." Vernon scoffed.

"But then..... Seungkwan overdosed and he was a mess....he blamed himself, he'd wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares, call me frantically to go home to check on Kwannie because he was stuck with some high profile clients....Jisoo convinced him to try therapy...... he's been going ever since....it's....it's not been easy...for either of us and I don't know if it will ever get easier with everything that's been going on...." Seungcheol wiped his tears.

"So he had to go to therapy because of me??" Seungkwan's voice wavered.

"Seungkwan, Seungkwan Nooo....my sweet boy...." Seungcheol dragged his chair closer to bed and took Seungkwan's hand in both of his hands.

"My sweet boy?? Seriously?? What are you, like, a 76 year old granny?" Vernon slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Look...Kwannie... Jeonghan has gone through a lot....you always had him to turn to...he didn't. I don't know if you'll understand but I'll try to explain and you try to understand...okay?"

Seungkwan nodded.

"Jeonghan is......hyper independent...and it's not been good for our relationship. He's always been on his own, completing all his responsibilities....now he feels useless if he doesn't have any responsibility.... there's abandonment issues from when your father disappeared after your mother passed away on top of the grief he suffered...he never gave time to resolve them...and then the debacle of a break up with me gave him trust issues and it now turns out, it was never my fault so he has trust issues with himself... he's scared to trust his own judgement....and his hyper independent ass is not dealing well with not trusting himself....he can't trust anyone else...he can't trust himself...what is he supposed to do???"

"Wow that's a lot..." Vernon sucked in a breath and sat on Seungkwan's bed beside him.

"So...there might be...it's possible, right?...that he...that he didn't reject your proposal because of me?" Seungkwan stuttered.

"No, Kwannie...it was never you...it's him.. it's always been him and I'm aware and I'll never leave his side... I'm part of the reason he's like this and I'm here to take responsibility...you don't need to worry...as long as I'm alive.... I'll always have your back... Jeonghan's too...and maybe Hansol's too if he stopped talking back disrespectfully to me." Seungcheol gave a side eye to Vernon.

"How did he faint?? Where is he??"

"Dehydration and weakness...he hadn't eaten or drank anything in last 24 hours.... he's getting a glucose drip in this hospital somewhere.... that's why I woke you up...I thought I had atleast an hour... without him hounding my ass" Vernon said and sideyed Seungcheol.

"You woke him up??? You know he needs to get the drug out of his system!" Seungcheol made a sound between a sigh and groan.

"This was.... is important." Vernon shrugged.

"And you??? Are you still going?" Seungkwan asked Seungcheol.

"No...I uh... I'm good. Elevators don't scare me now....I honestly feel invincible if I'm being totally honest." Seungcheol gave a chuckle "I do sometimes go with Jeonghan... that's how I know so much...you understand, right?? Even if you don't..just....just don't blame yourself...just know that it's not your fault." Seungcheol kissed his knuckles and Seungkwan felt a huge weight lifting from his chest.

"Why are you stopping him from going to rehab??" Vernon asked.

This again???

Maybe you do need to go. How will you ever be able to help your brother if you yourself are a mess??

For all his life, Seungkwan had seen his brother as someone unstoppable. He never had needed to look for role models elsewhere. His brother has been his role model ever since he was old enough to make his own opinions.

Knowing that his brother was suffering so much made his heart ache. His brother didn't deserve this. What has he done that was so wrong that brought him at this point?? 

Surrounded by people he loved and who loved him back but still alone. So fucking alone. Sometimes, love wasn't enough.

Seungkwan decided his brother would never be alone. He'd be strong enough. For himself and his brother. His brother needed him.

And Jeonghan had always been there whenever Seungkwan needed help.

Now, he needed to return the favour.

Seungkwan would be there for his brother.

Period.