The holidays flew past us like a dry leaf in the wind, next thing we knew it was summer. The girls and I received the New Year together and I raised my glass up high thanking the universe for my sisters. It had been a while since I felt so overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude.

The boys celebrated with us in the distance since they were at home with their families, some even in other cities. I put on a red dress, some golden glitter in my eyes and I danced the night away. Something deep inside me told me that this year was going to be one for the books, and here I am, writing one.

After a well-celebrated, filled with alcohol New Year's party, Luke had fallen in bed sick. His health wasn't normally the firmest, but this time he had pushed his own limits. Every night he woke up in cold sweat, fever not letting him sleep; he couldn't even speak without coughing. I made sure to check on him regularly.

One night I went out for a walk, it was January 3rd, if I remember correctly. But, how could I forget. The night was starry and the moon was thin as an eyelash, so pretty to watch. I didn't want to go home so I asked if anyone was up, it was very late but, as I expected, Luke was. I walked to his house, he lived pretty near me, and he came out to sit with me in the sidewalk. I offered him a snack that seemed to bring some life to his pale and tired expression, like never before.

"How bad has it been?" I asked.

He smirked weakly and looked down at the floor, "Very bad."

I had decided that, even if nothing romantic happened between Luke and me, I would still try to be his friend. We were part of the same circle, we cared about each other deeply, even if we struggled to communicate it.

"Tell me about New Year's party, how was it?" I inquired with a smile, eager to hear him speak.

He smiled as he remembered, "it was pretty good, although music was shit" he concluded.

I laughed, "We walked past that place on our way to our party and they were playing techno?!" I questioned, complaining.

He laughed too and then he started coughing, I felt bad immediately. "Sorry babe, take it easy."

He looked down with a shy smirk, like he always did whenever I called him babe, or love, or honey, or anything that wasn't dude.

"The next day I woke up sick, I didn't get a minute to let it sink in, first thing I did in the morning was throw up" he complained to me.

He seriously looked exhausted, I could tell he wasn't sleeping. He had always had problems with his liver so I would usually carry a tea bag in my backpack for when he felt sick, but I didn't have any this time and I knew he wouldn't go to the kitchen and make himself one.

"You really need to see a doctor and have yourself checked," I complained, "it's not normal for you to feel this bad, I'm worried" I finally confessed.

He looked down one more time and was about to say something, but I interrupted instead, "if you don't go by yourself I swear I'll drag you there!" I joked.

He chuckled softly, not wanting to laugh and cough. Then, he looked at me in the eye.

"I haven't been able to sleep this days" he said.

"I can tell" I answered.

Something awakens inside me when I start falling in love that makes me want to take care of the one I love like their life means significantly more than mine, not in a calm, tea-making, head-patting way, but in a deeper, more intense type of way. Looking at Luke like that, I only wanted to put him in a safety box and keep him close to my chest, guarded. But this feeling with Luke was different than any other I had before, I wasn't enjoying feeling needed by him because he didn't, he could very much take care of himself and he let me know that in many ways, he didn't need me to make tea for him or to pat his head lovingly, but I still wanted to do it. It was love in its purest form.

"You are up this late too, why?" he inquired.

I sighed, "I just can't sleep, don't know why" I said with a smirk.

His knee accidentally touched mine but he kept it there, I was smiling inside. "Thank you for caring so much", he opened up to me.

It was the first time that Luke ever expressed something so openly, I felt lucky to be the one to see him in that state, vulnerable, at 5 a.m., allowing himself to be taken care of.

"I'll keep caring" I offered him a warm smile that seemed to reach his core. At one point I couldn't help myself, I hated hearing hi sound so sick.

"Don't you want lemon tea? I can make it for you if you don't want to."

He cut me off, "no, t's fine. I'll make it. One for you too" he said, then he simply stood up and walked inside. I wasn't sure whether to walk behind him or not, it was too late, so I just stayed there in the sidewalk.

While I was waiting for him, it hit me. I was sharing quality time with Luke and having genuine conversations, but I didn't want to make a big fuss out of it, in case that would scare him away, so I just kept it all inside. The idea of making a move crossed my mind, but I thought it wouldn't be appropriate. He was opening up more and more, slowly, I could ruin the progress. I respected his time.

He came back with two hot cups, the dog days were sneaking up on us and you wouldn't want a hot drink unless it was the early morning, but I could tell Luke's state was causing him shivers, his body temperature was probably lowers than it should be. I shared the tea with him.

"What have you been doing to keep yourself entertained while you're resting?" I asked.

H took a short sip and answered, "I've been watching movies but I can't focus, all I think about is how bad I feel."

"I get that."

I was thinking of ways to make him forget about his sickness and laugh, I'm a master at talking bullshit so that's what I did. I made him laugh and only stopped when he started to cough. I decided to give him a break and started talking.

"The other day we were all talking about our birthdays, we should do something special for each. Like a themed party" I told. He felt intrigued and smiled.

"Really? What would be mine?" he asked. His birthday was a few days later, I had it very much stuck in my mind. I wanted it to be the most special birthday he ever had.

"Cristiano Ronaldo" he laughed at my answer.

"That would be the best birthday ever" he said.

"I'm going to bake you a cake," I warned, "so let your mom know."

We talked a little more, we laughed and we were comfortable with each other's closeness; our legs touching, my hand on his knee every time I laughed too hard, his gentle slaps on my arm every time I said something silly. The subtle scent of lemon in my nostrils and the soft blush on his cheeks from the heat of the drink were patched in my brain like memories I could never forget, right next to the song of his laugh. He started feeling better and looking less pale, there was his gorgeous tan skin again exaggerating the white of his teeth when he smiled. I was lost, so lost, swimming in the sweetness of his honey-colored eyes, I thought it would be perfectly okay if they were the last thing I ever saw.

The sky started getting clearer, sunrise aiming to make its great appearance. I had to go.

"I should probably get back, so..." I started, but then he interrupted.

"You're not walking home, I'll call you a cab. Do you have money? If not, I can..." this time I interrupted.

"No, no. I have money, it's fine. Call if you want."

He did as he said and waited next to me on the sidewalk as the cab arrived. I kissed his cheek, though I wanted to do more. I wanted to hug him, kiss both his cheeks, maybe his forehead, and, if he let me, his lips. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair while I tell him to take care, then maybe even hold his hand and command him to call me as soon as he needs anything. I would come running, I would do anything.

But I just kissed his cheek quickly, and said "now rest, please. Don't stay up so late."

He smiled warmly, "I will."

I jumped in the car and left. I laid in bed with a dumb smile on my face thinking about how Luke finally talked to me, after all this time, it finally came from him. The sun started leaking through the window and my neighbor's chickens were already screaming, but that wasn't keeping me up, it was his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his jokes. It was pure excitement and that was the feeling I fell asleep to.

Ironically, a few days later, I fell in bed sick too. Darcy is more like me, in fact worse, when someone is sick; she basically transforms into a nurse. She was on my back for days after I told her I was sick, asking if I needed anything, when she could see me, how I was feeling. I got sick because we all went to the river at night to eat pizza and drink wine, the temperature is colder next to the water so that probably made me ill, but the trip was worth it. My hair was a mess, I was wearing shorts and slippers, and Oliver came to pick us up at my house.

"Change that shitty music!" I yelled from the backseat, Darcy was riding shotgun.

I had decided to ignore their drama and treat them both as normally as I could, so they would finally stop acting so awkward around each other. I told Darcy that maybe she should try to view him as a friend.

"Who's car is it?" he replied, I remained silent, defeated. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

The laughs were worth staying in bed for a whole week.

Being confined in my house with nothing to do but think had me feeling pensive. I thought about myself and how much I changed, I thought about my friends, about my past and about Luke.

I loved Luke, I was sure now. But could he ever love me back? The thought of him not corresponding my feelings haunted me for months and I tried to avoid it as much as I could, I also compared my feelings for him to the feelings I had for other people in the past. Was it a pattern I was following? What was the same and what was different? Those thoughts robbed me of sleep many nights, but not that night. That night I was thinking of realness.

How many times in my life was I certain of something's realness? Not many. I was never sure of what was happening, what I was doing and what I was feeling, but not this time. I moved forward with my friends to a point where I could stand in front of them and say 'I'm feeling this', but I also moved to a point where I could say I loved Luke, even if he didn't love me back, my feeling was real regardless his. At that moment I didn't need to hear his answer, I didn't want to ask the question, I just wanted to sit next to him and hear him laugh like the other night, even if I had to do it as a friend because whatever he felt for me wouldn't had changed what I felt for him. And that was real.

He was real to me.

In fact, I thought he was the realest thing I had at that moment.

My phone vibrated pulling me back from my mental monologue. I looked down and saw a text from Luke;

"hey, feeling any better??"