For the entirety of the night after receiving Alex's message, I just stared at the ceiling with a blank face. I couldn't express anything. Actually, I couldn't feel anything. The only truth was that I had fallen in love with my friend, I didn't tell him when I had the chance, and now he had someone else. I should have been devastated but my mind wasn't assimilating the facts yet.

The next day I went to Darcy's place and, to no one's surprise, she had learned that Oliver was also seeing someone. We were, once more, on the same boat. I felt a little guilty because I accidentally made Oliver confess about an affair he had with a girl, in front of Darcy, but the truth is that she had started suspecting days before that happened. She just got the confirmation. Now I was met with a similar situation and, after a whole day of being numb, I was slowly starting to realize the truth. Darcy had been a mess for hours, listening to sad music and rotting in bed, while I was simply a companion. But then it hit me, I struggled to fall asleep at night and, when I did, I dreamed of him.

Believe it or not, I have always had very significant dreams, some of them even predictive, and this time was extremely terrifying. For two nights in a row I dreamed that Luke had a girlfriend, and this was before I found out. That night at Darcy's house I dreamed that he got married. I woke up and tried to joke about it but, as soon as I didn't have anything to say, it got really quiet and I finally started to cry. Softly, lying on my side next to Darcy, both watching each other crumble but unable to help. Though I shed some tears, I still had that lump in my throat that said I had a lot more left to cry out. After a couple of hours I went home, the bus ride was quiet like a funeral, I had a lot of thoughts but, at the same time, I wasn't thinking at all. In the afternoon I went to Alex's apartment.

I walked there slowly with my headphones on, trying to feel something, I played the saddest songs I had in store. My chest finally started to ache. Alex opened the door and I greeted him with a smile, not knowing exactly how to feel or act. I have always struggled to cry in front of people, usually, I unconsciously brush it all off with jokes. I walked in and went straight to his bed.

"Do you want coffee? Tea? A toast?" he yelled from the kitchen as I made myself comfortable in the mattress, "maybe fruit? Oh, I have cheese in the fridge!" he kept offering.

"No thank you, I'm not hungry" I simply replied.

He walked back to the bedroom and sat in a chair in front of me, I was lying on my side, and I shrank. "Are you okay?" he asked as I made myself smaller and smaller in the bed.

I shook my head saying 'no' as the tears started to stream. He watched me as I finally cried out everything I hadn't been able to for the past hours. My breath started becoming agitated, my nose was getting red and I sniffed my snot back inside.

"I just don't understand what happened" I finally muttered.

He grinned as he thought of something he could say that could possibly make me feel better or provide relief, but there was nothing that could do the trick. "These things happen", he finally said.

I looked up to him with glassy eyes, "I know".

"It's not your fault but it's not his either" he talked as if he was thinking out loud.

"I know it's not", I said as I shrank more and more, "I'm not mad at him."

He sighed, not annoyed, but as if saying 'I understand'. He moved the chair closer to me and started caressing my arm, "what do you feel?" he asked.

I weakly sat up as I unsuccessfully attempted to stop my crying. I rubbed my nose and took a deep breath. "It just never works for me, you know? It happened with the red, with Astrid, now Luke. There's always something wrong with me. I'm never enough, there's always someone better. And with the way the last few days went, I really thought this time it could be different, but..." I covered my face as I started crying again.

Alex quickly stood up and sat next to me, holding me. I couldn't remember the last time I cried this loudly, let alone in front of someone. I was vulnerable and completely broken, like all of my past wounds and traumas had gathered together for this exact moment.

"Tell me about him", Alex said, "about the red."

'The red', that's how I named Jack. The girls and I always joked about how there's a Taylor Swift song for every moment in your life, and I started the theory that we, at some point in our lives, will have a 'Red' (her most heartbreaking album that talks about the love that changed her). I always knew that Jack was my Red.

He was that one love that changed me.

"I loved him", I said as I rubbed my nose. Alex listened attentively, "he made me feel like I wasn't all bad, you know? There have always been things about myself I despised, but he kissed each one of them and embraced them. And he was so much like me, too. We both made mistakes, there were times when we were horrible people, truly, but it was okay because we loved each other no matter what. I wasn't like the other girls, no, I wasn't fooled by his charms," I sniffed and rubbed my nose once again, "I knew exactly who he was and I loved him still. I guess it was the same for him, but he could never bring himself to love me more than his own person. He was his everything, and I was well aware of that, I just thought that, for some reason, he would change for me. I guess I thought I was special, different. Magical enough to fix a narcissist." I smiled cynically as Alex listened to my retelling in awe. "Then, one day, he left. He moved out of town and didn't say goodbye. We had grown apart over the years but I thought I was somehow still part of his life. I realized I wasn't."

"I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't imagine how you felt" finally, my friend spoke.

"Silly," I smiled weakly, "that's how I felt. And I still feel like that because he had no trouble leaving the city and starting a new life, completely forgetting about me and being his happiest self, while I'm here, still grieving after three years without even hearing his voice. And the worst part is that I still remember it." I felt the tears' return to my eyes. "If I were to hear his laugh from a far I would recognize it in a heartbeat."

I put my hand on my chest trying to provide myself some comfort, longing to find solace in my own cold touch because it was all I had.

"That's my problem, you know? I stay in places even when the other people are long gone and it hurts so fucking much, Alex, I can't explain how much it physically hurts. My chest is sinking right now and it's hard to breathe because Luke feels just like Jack right now. They're the same pain even if the stories are different. They're long gone and I'm still here, it's like I'm holding myself captive."

I started to cry gain and Alex pulled me in closer to his chest. I was choked on words but I couldn't stop the ceaseless flow of feelings I was spitting out.

"The other day, the girls and I went to see the carnival, and I saw some old friends across the street. I felt so far away from them even though there was just a piece of asphalt between us, I felt like I was looking through a glass. So out of the world. I realized everybody moves on, but me." I finished.

We kept talking and crying because, eventually, Alex joined me from seeing me weep so much. Then we drank coffee and ate toast and then he took me home.

For the next days I just lied in bed, only getting up to eat and bathe occasionally. I couldn't decide what to do with Luke, I wasn't sure if I wanted him in my life or not, and I found myself feeling like a different person each day. Monday, I wanted to take over the world and step on him with my high heels, make him regret losing me; Tuesday, I was rotting in bed. Figuring out what my reality was every morning was mentally exhausting, but I guess it was all a very necessary part of the process.

I hid from the world for as long as I could, avoiding going outside and only moving from Leela's place to Darcy's. One particular Sunday I said yes to going outside, for a change. We went to take a walk on the coast, Leela, Alex, Charlie and me. Leela came home to pick me and my dog Rocky up and I swear, as soon as I stepped on the sidewalk, I got a bad feeling. I let her know of my prediction that something bad would happen as we started walking, but she reassured me saying nothing would happen.

When we arrived at our meeting point, we found a place to seat and I told Alex about my feeling. "Really? On the contrary, I have a very good feeling about today" he responded. "You have a good feeling for yourself, not necessarily for me" I returned with a grin. After a while we got thirsty but the boys didn't feel like walking to get water, so Leela and I offered to go. As we started walking I felt a sudden pressure in my chest and I put my hand on it with an expression of clear discomfort on my face. Something wasn't right.

"Girl," I called Leela's attention interrupting whatever she was talking about, "I have a really strong bad feeling, I'm serious."

"What do you think it is?" she sounded concerned.

I bit my lip as I thought of it, "I don't know if it's going to be today, but I'm going to see him. And he will be with her."

"Don't say that, don't manifest it" she joked trying to make me smile. "Don't worry, eventually you'll have to face him but it won't be today. Relax! Let's have a good day."

We kept walking until we found a grocers and we were able to get water, but my heart stopped as I turned around and saw Luke coming our way, with a blonde girl next to him. "Oh no", I heard Leela say behind me, but it sounded distant. At that very second I felt like I was under water. He made eye contact with me and I could tell he despised the moment too. I started walking and every step felt an eternity long. Eventually, we crossed paths and we awkwardly said 'hello', then we continued walking in opposite directions.

Leela tried to check on me, she talked but I wasn't listening. I guess I was pulled back down to Earth when she crashed her shoulder onto mine.

"I thought she would be prettier, honestly. And what was that hair? It looked like she washed it directly with bleach!" she joked, finally getting me to laugh. We got to where the boys were, I went to walk by the waters alone with the excuse of taking my dog for a splash. As I stood there, a lonely tear slowly fell down my eye. After some time I felt Leela approach me from behind, she put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, "Are you okay?"

I wiped my tear and took a deep breath. "I'm alright."

I walked back home quietly, suppressing every possible emotion emerging. "I can't break down," I thought, "they wouldn't understand."

The next few days before going back to class I spent being an absolute rollercoaster. I went to parties, I talked to my therapist and to my mother, I made a playlist of the saddest songs I knew and I listened to them daily while choking on salted caramel.

Inevitably we got back to college, and I noticed how he tried to find excuses to talk to me but I wasn't having any of that. I couldn't risk getting my hopes to high, I guess it was hard for him too, suddenly feeling miles away, but I had to put myself first for once. My chest was still hurting, I was so sad, I started getting pissed.

Fucking Luke Hensley. I knew from the start you would only bring me trouble. But I did not know I was going to suffer this much. I thought it'd be fast.

My thoughts were going nuts, I couldn't form a single idea and yet I had so many. I figured the only thing that would make me feel a little better would be to write, so I started a diary and my first entry was this:

It's been god knows how many days now, - or is it months? -, since I came back from my short vacations to find out Luke has a girlfriend. He looks so happy, I never thought I would see him display a relationship like this, but here he is, posting about his gorgeous, natural blonde girlfriend every single day, saying he loves her. That's something that seemed impossible a couple of months ago, at least with me. I remember how he used to say that he wasn't one for relationships; guess a lot has changed.

I feel a different way every day, I don't know what I want. Sometimes I just want to run to his arms and tell him I miss him, and some other times I feel like spitting on his face. There has been a few moments in school when everything feels so normal, like March didn't happen at all and that girl doesn't exist. We laugh and share a drink and everything is the same. It makes me think that maybe we could be friends. But then I'm pulled back by reality again and I realize I'm not even close to being ready for that, I still can't be happy for him.

I feel guilty sometimes because I notice he tries to not bring her up in front of me, when he mentions something related to her, it's very brief. But I still know she's there, I understand everything he means, and I still think about it. Whenever he says "I have to do something", oh boy, I know what that is, you're going to do her.

Sometimes I feel better, like I just want to hang out with my friends. I think "fuck Luke, I'm moving on", but then the next day I can't get out of bed. It's been so long since my heart ached this strongly. Darcy and Leela have been my angels, they haven't left my side and they always try to get me out of the house. Darcy makes me laugh a lot by talking shit about Luke's girlfriend and mocking her, even though we don't know her. It's wrong, I know, but it brings me comfort. I'm a terrible feminist, I guess.

Lately I have picked up writing as a coping mechanism, it really does help. I wrote a very pathetic poem about how much I love him. Maybe I'll turn it into a song and become rich and famous in true Taylor Swift style; maybe he'll try to get me back then. I'll laugh in his face and then I'll probably say yes because I still love him.

It really does suck, the whole situation, you know. Why her and not me? I mean, I know she's prettier, skinnier, richer, but I was there first, you know? I showed him my love in the best way I could, and I kept it low-key enough to not scare him away. What did I do wrong? What did I miss? I baked him the greatest birthday cake I've ever made. Can she do that, Luke? I don't think she even knows how her kitchen looks like.

Sorry, that was salty. I'm so hurt.

I just wish I had never fallen for him.

This was the lowest point, but the only one I've ever known. This is what it looked like the pathetic way I felt;

Mourning the death of something that never lived.

And every word, every song, every poem or letter, was an inch of soil I was covering my lonely heart with.