Boys have a complicated relationship with their own emotions, that's common knowledge, historically, it has always been like this. I'm not saying that they have trouble showing them, some of them are an open book, what I'm saying is that they have a hard time acknowledging them; they struggle to recognize to themselves what is it that they're feeling, and accepting it. I've always had an eye for reading people's hearts, sometimes I can name their emotions before they do, and this time was no different. Alex, Oliver, Charlie, and Luke, are some of the best people I have known, but they're also boys.

Alex was the most emotional of them, he was the most similar to me in that sense, and he had no trouble naming and communicating whatever he was feeling. But his Achilles heel was validating other people's emotions. If it didn't make sense to him, it didn't make sense at all; if he wouldn't do it, then no one should.

Charlie was determined to not take anything seriously. Whatever you could be feeling, any disturbances you could be experiencing, he would say it's not that big of a deal. That included his own emotions. He trivialized himself so much, I started to believe he wasn't even aware of it.

Oliver and Luke had similar attitudes when we first started being friends. They never revealed too much, were never too available, never too involved. Oliver said a lot of meaningless, funny things, but never something serious or personal. Luke almost never said anything at all. 'Feelings' wasn't a word on their vocabulary.

As I was moving into a new chapter of my life, a new home, as I mentioned before, I ventured into a quest to find something real. Real love, real friendship, real connections. I decided to start this new chapter with the right foot, with brand new positive energy, and enough maturity to accept people for who they are, but still not accept crumbs and misery.

I was working on myself not only spiritually, but also on therapy. I learned to communicate what I was feeling in the moment and not after, when it was too late. But the scars were still there, not yet healed. Deep cuts in my soul that never got to seal, only got close but then, one more time, re-opened. I was also on heavy antidepressants, recently changed because the ones I was taking before were only keeping me alive; these were supposed to keep me alive and make me want to live. Every now and then I would relapse and stop taking my meds, it was like lying on the shore and waiting for the waves to take me. I wasn't even sad anymore, I was just scared and tired. Tired of being scared, more precisely.

I knew that I was a loving person, it was in my DNA. I couldn't change it. But I was paranoid, every time my love wasn't reciprocated the way I wanted to, I would think "it's just like before", and it made me want to run terrified. Sometimes, when you have so much stored in you, you can blow up for the smallest thing. Something so stupid can take you over the edge.

I had so much stored in me, so much fear, so much insecurity; and I blew up for something stupid. We talked about going to a Halloween party all together, because it would be fun to dress up ridiculously and drink a lot. Everyone said yes at first, but then, as the day was getting closer and closer, the boys started making up excuses.

"I have no money", Oliver said. "It's going to be boring", insisted Luke. "Maybe we could just hang out at home", offered Charlie. "If the others aren't going then I'm not going either", Alex complained.

I got so mad I blew up and made sure the rest of the girls got mad too, I needed support. How come we are always available? How come we always say yes? Even when we have no money, we find the way; when we're not in the mood, we go anyway. Always, for them. And they couldn't go to a stupid party they had previously said yes to?

I was angry but I thought I should handle it maturely and try to communicate what I was feeling, so I texted Alex. He was the only one I could talk to, after all. I asked what was going on with the boys, because they never wanted to do anything; he just said "I don't know" and proceeded to talk about this girl he had recently started dating. I wasn't getting enraged, no, that was an understatement; I was getting violent.

I blew up on him over the phone, "Who fucking cares? I'm telling you that something bothered me and I'm starting to believe that our friends just don't want to be with us and you just dismiss it and start talking about yourself?!" I was vexed and fumbling with my fingers.

I honestly don't remember what he responded, I was way too furious to pay attention, so Leela, Darcy and I went to the former's place. Evelyn wasn't there because she had previously agreed to meet with her boyfriend, but she asked us to keep her updated on anything that happened.

I had quitted smoking a while ago but, after Leela's birthday, I had picked it back up. We were smoking and drinking a lot of wine until we were brave enough to pick up our phones and blow up on the boys. I was still arguing with Alex while Darcy was arguing with Charlie and Oliver simultaneously.

After their kiss, Darcy and Oli kept talking over the phone, but agreed to keep it between them so, whenever we were all there, he acted super weird around her. Of course the pact didn't include me, since Darcy told me right after it happened, as all girlfriends do. Then she told Leela, but was still worried about one thing: Evelyn.

Even if their 'relationship' was nothing but a flirting game that lasted shortly, she still knew that she broke a global law; you shall not touch nor glance at the men your girlfriend's had. Whether it's a boyfriend or a crush, doesn't matter. If he's in her list, he can't be in yours. Of course she was afraid of Evelyn's reaction, with good reason, but I still reassured her she wouldn't mind since she was in love with someone else.

After that night, the relationship between Darcy and Oliver became even tenser. She wanted to get a reaction from him so badly, she couldn't help but deviate the conversation from our argument as a group to their personal, romantic situation. Oliver, as stoic as ever, only stated that we were exaggerating everything too much and we were dramatic. And the conversation about them, well, it went south.

"You know, what I told you about how I would convince you to go to the party, I wasn't serious about that so, don't worry." She said.

During one of their sexy talks she was trying to convince him to go to the party with us, and he asked "what can you offer me in return?" in a suggestive tone. Darcy wasted no time and replied "only my body". During the argument everything got so tense she no longer felt welcome or wanted, and she felt the need to take back what she said before he did.

"I know that wasn't serious, I can tell when you're joking." He said coldly.

As I was witnessing everything, all I could see was how none of them meant a single word they said, but both had the same reaction. They both felt the other was going to back off, so they backed off first. And all for a stupid disagreement that had nothing to do with their relationship.

Remember what I said before? About when you feel so scared of brokenness and disappointment you just blow yourself up, taking everyone around you? Well, I guess that's what I did there.

I fell apart and dragged everyone down with me.

But then the morning came and I learned, the story wasn't repeating itself. I was grown, we all were, and those were different people; none of them was Mikey or Jack, or anyone else. And I realized that when, after my fury dissipated, Alex called me and said "let's talk". He went to my house on a Sunday like nothing had happened, nothing was out of place, all normal. I made him coffee and he put on a rugby match on his phone. We were sitting outside, in my backyard where I had been watering my plants, the sun was bathing us and the smell on my incense was filling our nostrils.

"I want to explain to you what happened to me" I finally spoke.

He put his phone aside and focused entirely on me, "tell me about it."

Before Alex arrived home, I wrote a letter. I read somewhere that it served both as a detachment ritual and a psychological release, so I wrote a letter to Jack and then I burned it.

In the letter, I told him how much I loved him in detail, and how I still saw him in people's faces. I also explained how much he hurt me and everything I had been through during those years with and without him. Finally, I told him about the new people I met and how different they are, I told him about Luke and why I like him so much. After I said everything I needed to say, I set it on fire and watched it disappear in the wind.

Doing that 'ritual' helped me see something I hadn't seen before. I feel everything so intensely, I love with so much strength, I also suffer so mightily, and that is a gift. My heart and soul are unique. No one can feel things the way I do, as I can't feel things the way others do, and that is so special.

My entire life I had felt like feeling intensely was a burden or a curse that I had to tone down in order to not make others uncomfortable. "You're exaggerating", "you're dramatic", "it's not that big of a deal", it's not that much", are some of the comments I've heard. I was so mindful of how huge everything looked in my head, and I was only taught that it was wrong. It wasn't.

Everyone has their processes, everyone feels differently. Some struggle to verbalize their emotions, some struggle to keep them inside. I am someone who sees everything, even the smallest detail that's ever happening in a moment, and I print it in my memory. Nothing goes unnoticed, nothing dies; everything means something. But as hugely as I suffer, get angry, laugh, get scared or get bored, I also love hugely. And that is a gift that, no matter what ups and downs I travel through the rollercoaster that is life, I am most proud of.

"I felt like I invest way more into this friendship than you guys do. The other girls feel the same. We blew up only because we had been keeping it in, but it's something that has been bothering us for a while. What happened with the party wasn't important but it made us angry, and your reaction was disappointing." I communicated.

Of course, Alex could only speak for himself, but it was important for me to be able to put my mind at ease and communicate my issues to someone I did not want to lose. For once, I didn't run away; I did blow everything up, but I did my best efforts to put it back together.

Darcy managed to talk things through with Charlie, and, although everything with was still a bit tense with Oliver, they were talking normally again. Just not about their stuff.

But Evelyn on the other hand, thought that everything had gone to shit so she just decided to cut ties with everyone. She had been out of town for the weekend so I met her on Monday to tell her everything that happened. We had an exam that day so we agreed to meet after it, Darcy, her and I. When we arrived Luke was the only one there so I walked to him to say hi, he looked up from his phone and I met his bright eyes I had missed so much. On the contrary, Evelyn walked past him without even glancing his way. It was weird but I let it slide, we hadn't got time to talk about everything yet.

After the exam we went to her place, Darcy got there minutes later so we made coffee and smoked some cigarettes before starting with dinner. We sat on the balcony and we started to catch up. I told her about my conversation with Alex and the change of mindset that I had after a lot of thinking. We tried to make her feel fine about the boys again, nothing was too bad to split us all apart. We could talk things out.

Darcy was nervous, shaking almost, because she had told me she wanted to let Evelyn know about what happened with Oliver. She was freaking out but I reassured her one more time and supported the idea that she had to know, not because she had previously had a thing with Oli, but because she was Darcy's friend as much as I was. So she took a deep breath and just said it.

"Oliver and I made out" it was like she almost spitted the words out. Evelyn started laughing.

"What? When?!" she asked, intrigued.

"After Leela's birthday" suddenly, she felt lightweight. "I was worried you would get upset about it", she confessed.

Evelyn dismissed the whole situation and playfully slapped her thigh. "Why would I get upset? I don't care" she took a sip of her coffee, "he's all yours." She joked.

The three of us laughed as Evelyn encouraged Darcy to share more details, the whole story. Darcy felt more and more confident so she confessed that she was genuinely interested in him and that she liked him so much, it even surprised me. But then, she moved forward to the talk they had some nights ago, the 'fight'.

When Darcy showed her the messages, her face changed. She wasn't laughing anymore, not even a fake smile. Turns out that, when I said she cut ties with everyone, I meant it; she unfollowed every one of them on social media and stopped greeting them at school, like she did that day with Luke. The boys were concerned about that since it left no room for discussion, she did not want to fix things, and she straight up cut them off. When Darcy and Oliver were talking about the whole situation this matter came afloat, since neither her nor I were made aware by Evelyn that she would do that. Not even afterwards; so we decided to ask her personally. When she was reading the messages, one stood out: when they were talking about her social media cut-off, he simply said "she's five years old". I'm not sure what that triggered in her, but her attitude changed.

She complained "it's none of their business whether I follow them or not", and headed inside silently to make dinner. We noticed how this bothered her but we thought we should let it pass. I went to the bathroom relieved that everything was working out well again but, when I went out, it was the fucking Battle of the Bastards.

"Why don't you tell me what did I do to make you so angry? Come on, tell me what bothers you" Darcy pleaded with tears in her eyes. She looked stressed out.

Evelyn, acting indifferent, said "I told you it's nothing", and continued her tasks.

"Speak, because I can tell you're mad" she insisted.

"Stop it, it's not that big of a deal." Evelyn's composure was on thin ice.

I asked what was going on but none of them had it in them to give me an answer. We ate silently, I had never been more uncomfortable in my life. I wanted to leave, take Darcy with me and leave Evelyn alone, for the sake of both of them. I washed the dishes as a courtesy, mostly, because I did not want to make her more annoyed.

"I'm going to head out, do you want to come with me? You can call a taxi on the way" I offered Darcy, I needed to get her out of the danger zone, but she refused.

"I'm going to call one from here, it's fine" she reassured. I understood she wanted to speak with her alone so I left.

Evelyn walked me downstairs and opened the gates for me, but, when she kissed me goodbye, it was ice cold. She didn't even looked me in the eye. I wondered what I could have possibly done for her to be mad at me too.

What I didn't know at that moment, and later learned, was that, when I went to the bathroom, Evelyn kept complaining; about Oliver's sayings, about Luke's lurking (he was the one who warned the others about the social media stuff), about things Alex and Charlie had said in their conversations with us. But, eventually, she threw a low punch.

"That asshole Oliver, he plays cool talking shit about me while he's still pursuing me" she spit.

Darcy's face went pale. "He does?" she asked, unsuccessfully attempting to hide her disappointment. Evelyn's eyes cut like knives.

"Yeah, he still texts me and slides in my DMs all the time" she blatantly confessed.

The thing is, you can be as mad as you want, but if your friend just told you that she's got a thing for a boy and that she genuinely likes him, and you tell her that, it can only be to hurt her. There was malice in her intentions. She got mad at Darcy for a reason and aimed for something she believed would harm her. And what hurt her the most was the betrayal, not Oliver or any shit that he might have done or not, but the idea that her friend, her sister, used something she trusted her with, against her.

I felt really disappointed in Evelyn and showed all my support to Darcy, but I did not consider myself part of the issue. I just happened to be there.

That week was packed with exams and projects in which Evelyn and I worked together, but she vanished. We were supposed to meet to work together many times and she disappeared every one of them. I decided to give her space to figure out what she felt. She was clearly avoiding me so I assumed she wanted to be alone, that's what anyone would think. She didn't move on with any project we had so I had to work alone for most of them (that's basically why we later failed), and when I finished everything, right before sending my notes to her, I saw she had left every group chat with us and unfollowed us everywhere. I felt so furious.

I still sent her the notes but also, I went on a rampage. She lived only two blocks away from me, so I rang her bell and didn't even give her a chance.

"I don't know what the fuck happened to you but, is this how you handle things? You just cut people out of your life like they're nothing? You don't even want to talk, you just kick us out!" I was yelling in the sidewalk.

"What the fuck happened to me?!" she yelled back, "you're laughing at me with the others! You were the one who wanted to fight and create a drama, they did nothing to me but I still took your side. Now everything is fine and I'm crazy and you talk about me with them behind my back and laugh"

I was absolutely lost for words, but she continued "I told you that it bothered me and you just brushed it off, you joked about it. You don't do that to a friend! Weren't you so mad at Alex? Now everything's fine, everyone's friends and I'm crazy" she concluded.

"Nobody laughed at you and nobody talked behind your back, Evelyn, that's insane! Where the fuck did you get that from? I told you how I talked to Alex about it because, yes, I was mad, but we talked it out because we're friends! They wanted to be normal with you and you cut them off" I defended myself.

She wasn't losing this one, so she carried on. "You were the one who started the drama of leaving the group and I did!" she accused.

"I know I did!" I owned, "but I didn't tell you to unfollow them everywhere and stop greeting them at school, that was your call! Don't blame me for what you chose."

"You get mad on day and set the world on fire, then the next day you're fine and everything has to be fine, right? They were talking shit about me and you didn't stop them", she was convinced and there was no way to change her mind.

"What if I get mad and then I'm not? What I feel or not feel in none of your business. You just wanted a reason to send us to hell" I accused now.

"If I would've wanted that I would've done it, not standing up for you against the others because you got upset."

"There you go again! Fuck..." I felt exhausted and my anxiety was affecting my breathing. "You want to blame me? Do it. I'm done." I felt like my heart was slowly cracking more and more. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this."

She sighed, still exasperated, "I did what I did because I wanted to, you didn't drag me to anything. But you ignored what I said that bothered me, I thought we were friends" she finalized.

"We were, for fucks sake! How can you say all this shit? I had no idea what was going on, you didn't say a fucking word!" there are no words to explain how desperate I felt.

"We could have fucking talked!"

"You didn't want to!"

"You should have asked!" she complained.

I took a deep breath, tired. "So, because we didn't react the way you expected, we're out of your life?" I felt defeated.

"It's not how I expected you to react, it's what a friend does." She stared down at me, no chance to solve anything any time soon. It was over.

It wasn't until we lowered our voices that I noticed some neighbors staring and gossiping, after all, we were in the street, but I didn't care. "I already said what I had to say." I could only walk back home.

That was the last time I talked to Evelyn.