For days after Valentine's Day my mind had gone on a spiral of thinking and self-sabotaging remembering the look on Luke's face the last time I saw him. I felt like someone who had committed a vicious crime, thinking I had ruined every possible relationship with him. Was it that bad that I liked him?

Was it that mortifying the idea of me feeling love for someone? Was it a burden, being loved by me?

On February 19th we celebrated Oliver's birthday, he liked football a lot so we all wore football jerseys of our respective teams.

The night before we had all gathered together to bake the cake because, in all honesty, we all forgot to. Luke, as it was expected, couldn't make it, but he was present through the phone with me. Leela had to retrieve a bowl she had at home so Alex took the opportunity to take her while we were all waiting at Sadie's place. They were growing closer each day and, eventually, he took the final step. As they were riding in the elevator, he couldn't help himself from kissing her. And he gave her that movie-like kiss she had dreamed of her whole life. From that moment on, Leela was completely drunk in him.

Luke and I spoke a lot over the phone about going to the party together, I was with Darcy so he went to pick us both up. We were talking, at least it wasn't pure silence, but the atmosphere was still strange. Like a feeling that he knew that I knew he knew. And it was tormenting.

"Did you bring your beer?" Leela asked me, I pulled out one of the cans Luke had given me for Valentine's Day in response.

"I can't wait to finish them so I can turn them into pots for my plants!" I told her about my plans, "they're so pretty as well" I smiled, content with my gift. I saw Luke giving me the side eye but, when I turned to him, he looked away. I was already starting to feel dejected when I saw him look down and smile to himself, like he was proud of the choice of gift he made, and I felt relief. Maybe it wasn't all so tragic.

Maybe we could pretend like nothing happened.

The celebration went by fast, we had a lot of fun, drank wine and the boys played cards. Darcy was feeling terribly sick but she went anyway, for Oli. While we were all outside, she was lying in the sofa with apparent fever, so he snuck in to cover her with a blanket. I thought it was such a sweet gesture. Oliver and Luke had a very similar behavior, they would never openly admit to care, but they did.

At the end, Oliver drove us all home and Luke looked out the window the whole trip. Once again, he wasn't letting me in. I felt sad it was over because that was our excuse to talk; how are we going to get to Oli's house? How are we going to decorate the cake? What are we going to wear? At what time will you pick me up? Now it was all over, done.

After a couple of days I went to school with Kyro, my one month old cat. I snuck him in inside my backpack so I could go support Charlie and Oliver who were sitting for an exam. Alex and Luke were there for the same reason. I got to the yard where they were sitting and they got silent when I got there. I didn't find it suspicious at first because I was too concerned with people not seeing the animal in my bag.

When we sat down, Kyro immediately looked for Luke. It was the first time he saw him, but he quickly found his lap and made himself comfortable there. Luke is also a cat person, so his eyes were sparkly. Every cat person knows that feeling of being 'the chosen one'.

After the exam was over, and both boys failed, we decided to go to Charlie's apartment to have dinner, like always. The girls joined us later. We ate pizza and Kyro ate chicken. After dinner, we watched a movie and Luke fell asleep in the couch. When I looked over to him, he was cuddling with Kyro, and I felt my heart physically ache.

I carefully moved his feet so I could lay in the couch too, and he held my legs unconsciously. The memory of the image still brings a smile to my face, Kyro, Luke and I cuddling together, I didn't want to move. Darcy and Oli were in talking terms again, Alex and Leela were closer every day, and Luke was starting to let me back in. Everything was finally going fine for everyone.

I felt him move as he started to wake, I looked at him fondly while he held my son like it was his own, and I was bestowed with the warmest smile. After the movie, we all went home.

The next day, while I was at Leela's place, I received a message from Alex:

"yesterday before you got to school luke and I were talking about u

he said he had been thinking about what I told him

about u

he's still surprised. I asked him if for good or for bad

and he smiled"

I was once again shocked. Why didn't he told me that the day before? I would've done something. Alex was surprised that Luke had brought up the matter alone, without him even mentioning my name. I was smiling like a fool as I rushed to Leela's bedroom to show her the messages, she started smiling too. She was like me, we both got overly excited over stuff like this.

I asked Alex for more information but that was all he could provide. For the next few days I felt more confident to openly reach out for Luke, talk to him first and approach him more confidently when we were together. I still sucked at making moves, though. But then, one day, something changed.

I reached out to him and, once again, I encountered a wall. It was like at the beginning, all over again, and I couldn't understand what was off this time. It was like I was always stuck at a yellow light with him, not quite red yet, but absolutely never green. He took his time to reply to my messages, most of them were quite cold and distant.

I was hanging out with my dad one night as he came to visit, we went to a sushi restaurant. I posted pictures, I talked on the group chat, and I tried talking to him again, finding my beloved wall once more. I started wondering if perhaps I had done something, but nothing came to mind.

"Are you texting him?" my father asked as he took a sip of his wine. I did not realize I had been staring at my phone the whole time, so I put it down and took a sip of my wine.

My father knew about Luke, during one of our dinners I told him about the whole situation and how I was feeling; he was never the father of the year, he has his own set of faults in store, but he had always been encouraging when it came to me pursuing what I wanted.

"No, he hasn't been online for a while, he's probably asleep. He always falls asleep at this time" I said, as if I was trying to convince myself more than my father.

The big man in front of me burst out laughing in my face, he was not one to sugarcoat things and, if he had to be mean in the name of honesty, he would be.

"He's with a chick!" he blurted out, "you're not even his girlfriend yet and he already shady'" he took another sip.

I started feeling sick, but mostly angry. That was an idea I could not conceive.

"Why do you have to put me down like that?" I complained as I drank more wine. He suddenly got serious and looked me in the eye.

"I'm sorry, angel. I didn't mean it like that."

"It's alright" I forced a smile and decided to talk about something else, otherwise it would be a very long night.

I got home wasted that night, my mom noted how I got my weakness for wine from my father. I was too drunk to find it offensive.

The next day, my dad and I went on a trip to a small town nearby, I spent four days there to clear my mind. I felt exhausted of trying and trying constantly, nothing ever seemed to be enough. Nothing was ever clear with Luke, I lived in the dark, in the woods. Did I ever even had a chance? I could never tell. Did he even like me? I was never sure. I tried talking to him about my experience trying sushi, since he loved it, and his response was blunt and boring. I did not know what to do to get back to where I was a few days back, and the worst thing was that I didn't even have a clue of how I got there in the first place. Was something truly wrong with me?

Why are we, as humans, so attracted to what causes us sorrow? I could never imagine a life without the feeling of not knowing what's around the corner. And the saddest thing is that that's the only love I've ever known. What kind of lover will I find today? What Luke will pick up the phone this time? Is he going to love me or despise me? Will he even know me? I felt breathless as I tried to make peace with sleep, failing miserably.

I turned in bed, looked at the phone, watched TV, looked at the phone again; closed my eyes, and opened them again. Repeat.

I was restless.

I tried to think of an answer that wasn't the obvious one. I couldn't accept it.

At what point of my childhood did luck decide to abandon me?

Because I truly could not remember the last time something went right.

I went away for four days to clear my mind; I only found sleepless nights. Summer was being really cruel this year, vicious.

It was an endless cycle of vicious misery, all I've ever known.

After those four days I went back home with a necessity to take control of my life. I went to the gym and attended an appointment with my therapist in a sudden urge to get myself together. I went to see my friends who organized dinner to welcome me back. Darcy urged me to never leave for that long again, and Oliver hugged me for like, the first time since I've known him. The only one who didn't seem excited to see me was Luke. He didn't even remember the name of the town I went to.

The dinner was awkward, I looked for his eyes but they were always somewhere else, and he spent a ninety percent of the night watching his phone, like he didn't really want to be there. Eventually, we decided to watch a movie; we put on Scott Pilgrim, but he preferred to go to sleep. I tried to forget about him to enjoy my time with my friends that I had missed so much. I laughed as Leela struggled to understand the movie, Darcy hated every second of it and Oliver was having the time of his life sitting next to me, using my knees as an arm support. We were all happy to finally be together, they hadn't been seeing each other while I was gone and that made me feel a little special. They made me feel like the glue sticking them together. But there was one of us miles away, and I found that particularly excruciating.

The girls and I walked Sadie home and used the excuse to talk about the boys. Leela and Alex were one step closer every day, but Darcy's situation was the same. I had met a guy named Mark, who was ridiculously cheesy but he paid attention to me. And there was also this other guy, Jay, who flirted with me but then backed off. Basically, I listed all of my rebounds in case my ship with Luke sank, which was imminent.

When we got back the room was silent, the boys' conversation was over as soon as our ears entered the room, which was nothing weird but, that night, felt especially heavy in the air.

The next day I talked to Alex and, with all the compassion in the world, he revealed to me what I feared most: Luke had met someone.

And there I was again, like I always am, sitting down like nothing around me was real. I wasn't real. I wasn't even a person. Once again, I was just misery.