Dear Reader, it's time to come clean.

Have you memorized all of the miseries and wrongs I've been put through already? Have you noticed the wrongs I have done, too?

Dear Reader, I address you directly now because we've reached a point where you'll get to see all the shades of gray that compose my character. I am, in fact, no hero. Nothing close to it. Am I the anti-hero, perhaps? I guess that's how one would classify me. A Byronic hero, as the literary term indicates.

I've been reading a lot about that lately, in Literature class, like Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, but also as a hobby, and many others that possessed pure intentions but wicked means to achieve their goals. Maybe those are big shoes to fill.

The point is that I am here to tell you about the times I did not play nice, too. I'm not always a victim, many times I've been the villain. I've tasted vengeance, and I haven't been just. Many, many times, what I wanted had a slightly higher importance when measuring priorities in my conscience, than the consequences my doings could have.

I wasn't a good friend to Leela, I left her alone when she needed me the most. I hid behind the excuse that she was pushing me away when I should've insisted more. I was cruel, too. I said things to her that I knew would hurt her feelings, but I said them anyway because in my selfishness, it was more important for me to be right about something than to protect my friend's heart. I also took my time to actually take back what I said.

On top of all the things I've done wrong this year, was Darcy.

The night after her confession we had dinner at home, it was planned by my grandma a long time ago so I couldn't call it off. We were both sitting at each end of the table and not speaking, I didn't want her there and she could tell.

Every time she showed up at any place I was, looked as if she was challenging me. As if she was saying I know you don't want me here but I came anyway.

It was September already and the day of the play was breathing in our neck, we had wasted too much time so we rushed everyone to work and we rehearsed almost every day. Luke and I got closer during those days, he helped me with my lines and he was after me like a little secretary taking mental notes of everything he needed to keep track of for the show to work out. We shared coffee as we painted decorations together.

"Have you thought about teaching already?" we didn't have our degrees yet but both him and Alex already had jobs as teachers.

"I don't know, I'm not sure if I'm ready" I confessed.

He grinned, "The woman at the internship told me that they needed someone here in this school, for a second grade. I thought maybe you would be interested" he said.

I thought about it for a bit but I still felt insecure. Though, I found it nice that he thought of me out of all people. "Thanks, I'll look into it."

We continued our casual chat as we worked, I asked him about his girlfriend and he said she was doing fine. Darcy was on the other end of the room with Leela, we were as far as we could.

She started feeling like a stranger to me and it was awful. I wasn't sure whether I was right or wrong, if what I was feeling was valid or if I was exaggerating, but I had the suspicion I might had stopped loving her. Alex quickly took my side on the matter, Charlie took no sides but he supported me and said I was right and she was wrong. Leela was caught in the middle, even though she understood me, and Sadie quickly became Darcy's constant. They started hanging out more and talking a lot, probably because her house was the only place where she didn't feel my gaze screaming at her to go away. I ended up being her hunter and I was really going for the head.

For days I couldn't recognize myself because I couldn't stand seeing her face, everything she said sounded false and every move she made, to me, seemed calculated and against me. And all those suspicions really got to my head because I started being paranoid, thinking about everything that was going on when Oliver and her were alone in the car. I started hating getting into that car.

The very few times I had accepted hanging out with the whole group, I always arranged a way to leave early, being by taxi or asking my grandpa to pick me at a certain time, but under no circumstances was I going to get inside Oliver's car with her in it. I was only able to let go and have fun when she was not there, she gave me that a few times. But, at the end of the day, they were her friends too, and she had the right to be there as much as I did.

One day, during rehearsals, I was sitting with Luke and chatting. Alex had suggested earlier that day that we had dinner that night, since it had been long since we were all together. "Are you going tonight?" I asked him with a tint of shyness to it.

"I'm not sure," he responded carelessly, "probably, but I'll confirm when I get home."

"I'll go if you go" I whispered, he looked up at me. He was sitting on the stage and I was standing in front of him, we had been cutting cardboard stars for hours.

"Why?" he chuckled. I looked into his eyes, searching for his complicity and understanding, and quickly finding it.

"If you go, can we share the taxi afterwards?" my eyes were pleading, he understood my secret petition and instantly understood what was happening.

"Sure," he reassured.

I laughed and joked, trying to remove the seriousness for my own sake. "Yeah, it's the best for my mental health, honestly" I giggles. Darcy had come to say something to us and managed to hear the entire conversation, I saw her eyes find their comfort on the floor.

We went to Alex's house that night, Luke and I agreed to leave together. We drank some beer and wine and I asked him to tell the story of how he met Mia, his face seemed to light up. It was like I gave him that final push that let him know everything between us was over and okay.

After some hours he stated that he wanted to go home; he gave me the look, I nodded and started picking up my stuff.

"You leaving, bro?" Oliver asked him.

"Yeah, I'm going to call a taxi" he responded.

Oliver got up and put on his jacket. "I'll take you, I'm going to leave too."

Luke seemed to panic as he desperately glanced at me, then back at Oli, then back at me. "But..." he stuttered, "I'm going with Ava" he muttered softly.

Oliver looked at me standing behind me and made a face I could not decipher, then looked back at Luke. "I'll take you both." He firmly stated.

Luke looked at me, waiting for my approval. 'What do you want to do?' I read his lips. I grinned and shrank my shoulders defeated as I weakly accepted it.

We all left together and, as we arrived to his house, Luke kissed my cheek and squeezed my shoulder in comfort before he left me there by my luck. Once again I was trapped inside that car with the two of them, a full nightmare.

For days, Oliver and I were okay, but everything changed when Darcy came to the scene. He could tell I wasn't the same around her, I changed. And I bet he knew he had something to do with all of it, but he ignored it and hid behind the few good times we had on our own, without her. He still drove me home every now and then, we still talked and sent each other funny posts, of course, when the paranoia didn't creep on me.

"Hey, can you teach me how to drive?" I suddenly asked after a moment of realization as we arrived to my house in his car. I needed to learn how to drive and he knew.

"Yeah, sure" he quickly agreed. After some smiles and nods we agreed that we could do it but never said when.

The following days I tried to bury my head in the play as much as I could until I inevitably had to reach out to Darcy. We were doing a lot of choreographies and she was a dancer in most of them so we needed to rehearse.

Leela and I stood in the frontline as we first taught everyone the opening dance, which all of us had to do. The boys were messing around trying to ease everyone's nerves, and it worked.

"Let's got dude," Oliver said to Charlie, "let's get those forbidden moves!" he joked as he started dancing. We were all messing around and laughing.

"I think this is the first time I've seen you dance!" I told him as I walked up to him. He instinctively received me with open arms and hugged me, as always.

"Oh no! Now we'll have to go out" he said. I punched his chest as I complained.

"You never want to go out!" he just laughed in my face.

I looked up to him, "when are we going to drive?" I asked.

He looked down to me and we were face to face for the first time, we had never been so close before. Our noses almost rubbed but we weren't backing off. "Maybe on Tuesday, when we don't have classes. But I'll let you know if I have the car that day, if not, we can go on the weekend" he said.

"Okay" I muttered softly and smiled at him. I looked down at his lips for a brief moment and he smiled back, but then we had to break the hug to move on with our rehearsal.

For what seemed like a long time, but were actually just a few days, it felt as if everything between Oliver and I would be okay if not for Darcy. I convinced myself that as long as she wasn't around, we would be happy.

On top of everything, one night, my mom started feeling unwell and we had to rush her to the hospital. My stepfather stayed with her while I took care of my brother. After being there all night, they found out she had a very big cyst in her ovary and she had to get emergency surgery. My brother and I didn't sleep for the whole night, he was crying because he was worried about mom and I was worried to, but I had to be the big sister.

For days, during her recovery, I went to stay with her to take care of her since she couldn't move. I took my brother to school and picked him up every day before going to class, I made dinned and helped mom change her bandages, and I still found time to rehearse for the play. After a little over a week, she stared feeling better and told me to go home.

One night, Leela asked if we could have a girls night and I offered my house. Darcy was the first to arrive and we had some snacks and talked about literally anything else other than what was going on between us. I played nonchalant for as long as I could, I really didn't want to have the conversation yet, I decided to be cool about it and go along to get along, but I still didn't trust her a bit. She was still a stranger in my eyes.

In that moment, she decided to cut the shit and bring up the matter herself. "I got away to clear my mind, after everything that happened with Elliot, I needed time for myself, to grieve" she said. I nodded as I listened to her. "Also, I supposed I needed to give you your space because I felt like you didn't want me there" she finished.

I looked up to her with a knowing smile, "do you remember what you told me?" I said, trying to keep my cool.

"What part?" she said and I chuckled.

"The part where you said your thing with Oliver wasn't over but I could have him until you came to take him back" I spitted out, trying to swallow my anger.

"I didn't mean it like that," she said, "I didn't realize it sounded like that, not until Sadie made me see it" now that was a surprise. "I told you that because that was what I felt at that time," she wasn't taking it back, "but I can assure you now that nothing happens between me and Oliver. I can't think of anything or anyone other than Elliot and it will be like that for a while."

"Well," I whispered, "I acted the only way I could" none of us regretted what we did or said, we were just putting our cards on the table. That's it.

"Sadie told me she talked to you about your jealousy for Oliver" she casually mentioned but I was in awe.

"Excuse me, what?" I said.

"Yeah, that day you took your brother somewhere and you went to her house after" I knew exactly what day she was talking about but I had no memory of the said conversation because it never happened.

"We never talked about him, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't forget it if we did because, until now, I thought she didn't know anything" I was starting to get irritated now. She seemed confused.

"But she said she told you that you were being too jealous or something like that" I laughed but inside I was furious.

"She never fucking told me that, we never talked about Oliver!" my heart was beating fast now. "How does she know, anyway?"

"She said Leela accidentally said it, she came running to tell me one day and I told her I already knew. She seemed surprised by my lack of interest."

I laughed again, "She ran to tell you! That bitch."

"Yes, and she said she told you that about your jealousy because you made a face one time she talked about Oli picking her up" she continued. I felt more manic with every word.

"I made a face? What the fuck is she talking about?! I didn't do a damn thing!" I was furious, really, really furious. "That's it, I'm fucking killing her."

My grandma walked in, interrupting our conversation. I took a deep breath to calm myself down and we quickly went back to pretending everything was alright and laughing. When Leela arrived and we were left alone for a moment, I asked her about the information I had just learned, but with a playful tone so she'd know I wasn't mad at her if she did in on accident.

"What? No, I didn't tell her anything. We never talked about it" she seemed as confused as I was. I believed Leela and it reinforced my desire to brutally murder Sadie.

Darcy and I continued hanging out as frequently as we used to before, but I was well aware that something was broken between us. Under no circumstances would I talk about Oliver with her, the mere mentioned of his name in our conversations ruined my mood. She tried to joke about Pisces men being trash, as both Oliver and Elliot were, but I wasn't responding. I was nowhere near close to trusting her again. I decided to only talk about the play, and limited myself to listen whenever she wanted to talk about Elliot. But I wasn't telling her anything.

I was keeping my mom informed of everything that was happening because I needed her comfort while also checking up on her regularly.

September 30th, the day of the play came and everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Very few people went to see it, the sound was terrible and the lights even worst, and the opening dance was a mess because everyone forgot what they had to do. I still had fun and laughed at all the stupid mistakes while others where panicking. Luke's girlfriend, Mia, came with his mom. I went to introduce myself but she didn't seem happy to see me.

Charlie and I prepared a song for the evening and I wanted to sing it for Oliver; I chose "Finally//Beautiful Stranger" by Halsey. As my friend was getting ready to start playing, Darcy yelled at me from beside Luke's mother.

"Babe!" I looked at her as her voice echoed through the whole room. "She's trying to take a picture of you!" I looked to her side and saw the lovely lady holding her phone.

"Smile!" she yelled at me, I smiled and posed for her, and she giggled cheerfully. The blond girl beside her didn't seem to enjoy the situation much, but I didn't pay a lot of attention to her.

Oliver came to fix the microphone for me. "Is that height alright?" he asked, looking into my eyes. I smiled softly and said "its fine." He went to grab a seat by the side of the stage as I took a deep breath and started talking.

"For this next song we're going to get romantic" I informed the audience and I heard some laughs, including my mom's, "so, if you have anyone you'd like to think about," I looked over at Luke, "now it's the time."

I signaled Charlie to start and the performance began. I quickly noticed that Oliver was recording me, so I decided to be brave and sing more for him. I glanced at him on specific parts of the song that I needed him to hear, the parts I was saying to him.

After I finished, I went next to Oliver who gave me a quick hug in congratulations, the girls and Alex did the same, but I did not expect the sudden grab of my shoulder by Luke to turn me around and hug me like he only did before for my birthday. O awkwardly held him back as I struggled to understand his emotion.

"That was amazing" he said.

As all of this happened, Mia's eyes were shooting knives at me. After everything ended, we met at Charlie's for dinner but Luke didn't come, and just posted a story having dinner with her so we understood what happened.

Darcy, Leela and I had so much fun all those days dancing that I felt like I should give it a try and attempt to be okay with Darcy again. After all, I missed her. It was going to be hard but I wanted to try. I hung out with her more and slowly began telling her things again, but still avoiding talking about Oliver. She respected it and we were able to move on for a while. On October 21st a new Taylor Swift album dropped, so we had a sleepover at my house to listen to it. That was the moment I felt like I had my friend back, and I was ready to return to her.