I suppose the most common feeling in the world for us humans, is the feeling that we are alone even in a crowded room. Everyone has experienced that more than once in their lives, but still, while you're going through it, it feels like no one will ever understand. No one knows what you're experiencing, they don't know your heart or your brain. They will never understand.

But I believe it is also very easy to forget how that lonesome felt once you're out of it. When the good times come, it's like you don't remember who you were when you were standing alone at the corner of a party, or when you were having dinner with loved ones and no one asked you a single question, or when your friends are too busy being happy to notice how far you are from it.

The wall between Luke and I stood tall and strong now, every delusional fantasy I had of him suddenly realizing I was all he wanted and leaving everything behind to be with me was long gone, buried in my soul. But, as I got drunk with sadness, my friends were living in a thrilling daydream I could only write about as an idea.

Alex and Leela had difficult days at the beginning because, as it was expected, he wasn't completely over Nicole yet. But he took a wise decision and chose not to play with Leela's heart, so he left until he was sure of what he wanted. What was only a couple of weeks for him, felt like ages for her, and she waited and waited for his return. In her heart, she waited until she could be enough for him. He had a moment of realization one day and he spoke to me.

"I want to be with Leela, but I feel like Nicole needs me right now, she needs my help" he looked disturbed and exhausted.

"I think she only wants your attention," I said harshly, "she clearly didn't give a shit about what you said" he had explained carefully that he couldn't be with her anymore because he could feel she didn't want to take the next step with him and she was probably going to hide him forever. "If she cared about your feelings she would just leave you alone, she knows she's hurting you but isn't fazed by it."

There was one more thing about Nicole that kept Alex up at night: he found her at home with her ex.

"Yeah, but know I understand her from a different perspective. When her ex showed up at her place asking her for help, I wanted to kill him. But now I'm in her shoes and I understand why she couldn't say no" he excused her.

"I get it, but still, don't put yourself in her shoes, but Leela's. Imagine how she would feel. Do you think anyone could be at peace knowing that their significant other will run back to their ex any minute just because they need them?" I further explained. "If you get back with Leela, you need to give her her place."

"I'm fully aware of that."

Alex was my friend and I loved him, but he was a textbook hypocrite. He cheated on Nicole first, but made a fuss of her still being in touch with her ex. It truly amazed me how he could be so disturbed and heartbroken about what she did but not remember his own wrong doings. I was completely sure he wasn't mean, but delusional.

My fears of Leela suffering by his hands became a reality in no time, but I was sure we were just scratching the surface. There was still so much more pain to unveil. She spent days being quiet, feeling low and disappointed about how this time was no different from the other times she had been close to feeling love. She regretted not running before all of this happened, like she always did.

The day Alex called her was the day her eyes shone again, all it took was a simple phrase for him to bring her back to life.

"I want to be with you" he said.

Leela's head was a mess for days, Alex confused her with every word he said. His first excuse was that they were going too fast, then he said that Nicole was still reaching out to him, and when Leela questioned what she was in his life, he simply responded "I don't know."

When he returned, he came like a knight in shining armor on a white horse. He picked her up from the ground and said "I choose you" and she finally got her happy ending. She won. Or at least that's what it looked like and she enjoyed it.

On the other side of the road, Darcy was seeing Elliot, the guy she met at the party. Most to her surprise, he happened to be everything she ever wanted. She told him about everything, our group of friends, and her story with Oliver, and he listened carefully while caressing her hair. After a few days he gathered the courage to ask her if he could go to her house, she wasn't sure at first but then she accepted and he met her mom and sister. Everything was magical, almost too good to be true. He listened to her and was sweet, nice and gentle, but then he wasn't so gentle in the bedroom; to sum it all up, he was what Darcy's dreams were made of. For weeks he was all she talked about, it was like she was brainwashed and could only pronounce his name.

With both of my best friends dicknotized and in the middle of the honeymoon phase, I could only rely on the boys. But even they weren't as reliable.

Alex wasn't talking to me and I knew exactly why; he didn't want to say something I could tell Leela about, like that time I saw Nicole's texts on his phone and I let my friend know about them. Leela chose to ignore this knowledge and continue living her happy fantasy and I moved on from it, I had enough in my head. But Alex knew that, if he talked to me, he wouldn't be able to help himself from telling me everything. And I wouldn't back him up. So it was suitable to avoid me.

Luke was slipping away from us slowly, further and further every day. He never wanted to hang out, he was always on his phone and never replied in the group chat. I wasn't counting on him to keep me company, since he was the main reason for my loneliness, but it was disappointing seeing him push everyone away, not just me.

Five days after my birthday we celebrated Alex's, and Oli picked me up so I wouldn't have to walk with the cake I made. It wasn't all of us, just a few, and Alex came all the way from his hometown to spend the day with us because he was left alone. He came with teary eyes and, when I got the chance to talk to him privately, he confessed Nicole had sent him a message that made him emotional. We ate the cake I baked, I took pictures and played the songs he liked, probably in an urge to make him see that everything he needed was right there around him.

Several days later we gathered again, this time all of us, for Charlie's birthday. His sister Alice cooked that night and, once again, I baked a cake. We had a tradition of printing memes into our cakes, the ones we use the most or one that describes us, so we printed Charlie's favorite and he absolutely loved it. He cackled every time he looked at it. We had a peaceful night, full of laughs, even though things weren't completely okay yet. Darcy and Charlie still weren't talking, but he wasn't one of expressive emotions. He kept his heartbreak to himself and started drinking during the day. Alex was worried about him but he expected Darcy to be the one to handle it. I talked to him once and noticed he wasn't feeling okay but he didn't elaborate much on the matter, so I understood he didn't need my words at the time.

Sadie started making me uncomfortable, reminding me every day that I was the only single in the group of girls and she stated that I was going to end up being a spinster. I was completely alone.

Or at least that's what I thought.

"Did you watch the episode?" Oliver asked me about a show we both watched.

"I did but I'm so confused!" I exclaimed, "I'm worried there's only one episode left because I still don't understand anything" we both laughed.

"Every time the image cut and he was back at Harlow's office... I was so lost!" he said between giggles.

Oliver and I grew closer as he slowly became all I had left, we watched the same shows and discussed them later, he also recommended me movies to watch since he is very into film, and we spent like 30% of our day in his car since he was driving me everywhere lately. He didn't even expected me to ask him for a lift, he just grabbed the keys, looked at me and said "let's go."

For a moment he was everything I had.

"I watched Licorice Pizza the other night but I didn't understand it" I commented as I chugged down my coffee at once.

"I felt the same," he said, "but after I finished it I thought it was the best film I've ever seen" he joked.

I giggled in sympathy, "I didn't finish it. I'm going to read a summary later."

"A summary!" he expressed in disturbance, dramatically putting his hand on his chest and closing his eyes. I was holding back my laughter. "You want to kill me of disgust!"

We were walking to our final class of the day when Charlie appeared.

"Hey guys, it's cold tonight. Dinner?" he offered.

"It could be" Oli answered vaguely.

"Stew?" Charlie raised an eyebrow.

"Done" Oliver and I responded at the same time.

After class I walked home to check on my cats and gather some stuff before going to Charlie's place. My phone vibrated as I received a text from Oli.

"want me to pick u up?"

"yea"

I smiled at the phone and then opened my eyes wide as I noticed my strange behavior. Lately I had been giving myself hell for enjoying Oliver's company a little too much, but I decided that it was probably because I felt alone. Even if that was the case, I hated the idea of feeling that way about him of all people, because we were very good friends and because he had been someone really important for Darcy; I couldn't do that to her.

He picked me up and, while in the car, I was thinking: why did things go the way they went? I mean, it would have made sense if I liked Oli instead of Luke, for we have more things in common. Oli is older than me, we like the same things, we can have a conversation and we understand each other very well; I didn't have any of that with Luke. I mean, Luke and I shared a special connection that was hard for me to describe, but the simple things were hard between us. With Oli everything flowed naturally. I thought, 'it would've been nice if it was you.'

We had dinner normally, Darcy didn't go since Charlie and her still weren't talking, so Oli only took me home. On the way I was staring at him as he told me about his day and thought, 'this is perfectly normal'. I didn't really had to read him, and I didn't have to hold back my feeling in front of him. I could talk about things that bothered me and he wouldn't be mad or take it personally. I know the bar is in hell at this point, but I couldn't stop thinking of what could've been if things were different.

"The car wasn't working the other day, you have no idea. I was freaked out because my uncle said the battery was probably dead, my dad is out of town and I don't have a single penny!" he complained but remembering the situation with fun. "Luckily the next day we checked it out and it was something minor."

I observed and listened with a smile on my face. I don't think I even know what a battery looks like, but I enjoyed knowing about his day. I couldn't stop contemplating how nice and mundane it all felt, so I went to sleep with that feeling.

For the next days I felt confused as fuck. Did I really start liking Oliver or was I just lonely? I wanted to believe it was the latter. I hated thinking that I was a bad friend. I had those thoughts almost every day but I couldn't tell anyone about them. Telling Darcy wasn't an option, at least not until I was sure of what the hell was happening to me. As a desperate measure I appealed to one of my oldest friends who lived in a different city; Layla.

"I need your help. Actually... advice" I said through the phone.

"Tell me about it" she replied fast.

"I might... emphasis in 'might', be on de verge of getting mixed feelings for someone I shouldn't" I confessed while biting my nails, staring at the phone.

"And who would that be?"

"Did I catch you up with the novel?" I joked.

"I'm familiar with the characters" she played along.

"Well, it's Oliver."

"And why would that be bad?" ok, maybe she hasn't caught up too much.

"It's about Darcy and what happened between them. It's not right, I can't..." I sighed.

Almost like she read my mind, she completed softly "...but?"

"But... it feels okay, you know? I've been thinking that it just flows between us, we get along so well, I thought that maybe it would've made sense if it was him instead of Luke. Now that idea is stuck in my head and I can't think of anything else other than how potentially happy I could be with him" I finished my rant.

She cleared her throat as she processed everything and tried to think of a solution. "There's something else, isn't it? Where's the catch?"

"I'm not sure about what I feel. Luke has a girlfriend now and is very happy, Leela and Alex are doing fine together, Darcy met someone nice... I don't know if my feelings are genuine or if I just feel lonely and I'm clinging to the first person who treats me nicely."

"That's valid," she said, "you should probably take a few days to yourself, away from everyone to clear your mind; that includes him, because spending so much time with him is confusing you even more. You should see how you feel when he's not around" her point was accurate and reasonable, I decided to follow it.

I took a few days to be alone with my soul and I quickly found myself thinking about Oliver even more than when I was seeing him. I wanted to talk to more people and get different opinions until someone gave me one that made me happy, I guess. Almost every night I ended up on the floor with the lights off, listening to music. A new Harry Styles album dropped so I thought I'd give it a shot, and then... Well.

You got the cinema, I bring the pop to the cinema.

I heard that line and I felt my cheeks go scarlet as I struggled to contain a school girl smile. Was this shyness, nerves? Was it really a crush? Why did my heart start beating so fast because a song reminded me of him? Yeah, I get it; he's the cinephile guy and I'm the pop culture connoisseur, it matches perfectly. Now, why am I making such a big fuss of it?

I wanted to slap myself.

I finished listening to the record and, in fact, I enjoyed it a lot. But I still had that weird sensation in my chest, like this feeling was threatening to carve me open and jump out. As if the thoughts alone weren't as haunting themselves, he texted me.

"Did you watch the finale?!" he was excited. Oh yes, our show.

"I'm just about to, wait!" I replied.

After I finished, we talked about it for a while, then we went to school normally and I was going to walk home but Oli parked his car on the right side of the building, on my street, so he took the opportunity to offer me a ride.

"Okay bro, see you around..." I reached out to say goodbye but he ignored me.

"Get in the car, I'll take you" he commanded as he opened his door.

I just surrounded the vehicle to open the other door and get inside, then joked "if you insist."

"You're not so hard, aren't you?" he laughed.

The ride was fine, we talked and laughed normally, but the feeling in my chest was still there. What the fuck was wrong with me? This wasn't something to romanticize, it was worrying. All of this could develop in a potentially fatal situation, but there I was, giggling at songs that reminded me of him, as if I was sixteen.

I made a dangerous, irreversible choice.

I played some Arctic Monkeys songs as I organized my bedroom, he's a huge fan of them and they've been part of the majority of our conversations. I Wanna Be Yours started and it clicked. Something in my head just started making sense.

I'm really catching feelings, aren't I? I thought.

Oh, it was bad. Really bad. As if things couldn't get worse.

I really was risking losing my best friend, and for what? Because Sadie called me a spinster? Because I felt alone? It really wasn't worth it, but I couldn't stop it. It was happening. So I could just lay there on the floor and let it happen.

On a Monday I had to visit my mother, so I went to class and then I went back home to get some stuff I needed to spend the night. I went to our Literature class where it was just Luke, Oliver and me. Weird, right?

Since Oli had been my driver the last few weeks, as my grandma called him, he stopped in the sidewalk as we got out of the building.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

He's car was parked on the left as any other day, we naturally had to part ways but we were so used to leaving together lately, I guess it felt...weird?

"I'm just going to go home..." I simply replied with a soft smile on my face.

There we were, standing on the sidewalk in the middle of the cold and dark night. Luke was in the middle, but none of us turned to look at him. I guess that was the moment I realized Luke was really a background character now. He wasn't what I cared the most about anymore.

"Okay..." Oliver replied as if he wanted to say more, but didn't. "Bye then."

"Bye..." we were really looking deep into each other's eyes with smiles threatening to break in our faces, because I could swear I saw a spark in his eyes that night. Luke was there, a mere witness of how I started to look at Oliver the way I looked at him, and that's something strong to process even now.

Finally, I kissed them both goodbye. The night was really cold so I walked as fast as I could. By the time I got there, I expected my grandpa to drive me to my mom's place, but he was moody as hell so I didn't ask.

I called my mother, "I don't have the car tonight, Ava. Richard took it to work" she explained. "Ask your grandpa, he's not going to say no to you" she suggested.

I knew he wouldn't, but my heart wanted something else, and I went on with my impulses.

"are u at charlie's rn?"

I texted Oliver. He quickly replied.

"yea im here, why?"

"can I go over there and go with u in the car? I need to go to mom's house but my grandpa can't take me. U can drop me at the bakery"

I remembered that he stopped at a bakery every night to pick up freshly baked bread after he dropped me home, and that bakery was close to my mom's house so it wasn't a terrible idea.

"I'll take u to ur mom's house"

He replied instantly. I started feeling bad.

"sorry to bother you so much, I swear I'll buy you a cool glass holder for ur car as soon as I can"

He laughed and replied.

"it's no bother for me"

I grabbed my backpack and walked over to Charlie's apartment, when I got there I rang the bell and they both came down.

"Let's go" Oli said walking past me.

I greeted Charlie goodbye and I walked behind him. When it's really cold Oliver wears a military green jacket that is huge on anyone but him and is full of pockets, it also makes his shoulders look broader than they really are because he doesn't naturally have a built figure. I always wanted to steal it. He was also wearing a beanie that looked very cute on him. I clenched my fists in my pockets for thinking such nonsense. 'Stop romanticizing everything!' I mentally yelled at myself.

"Once again, I'm sorry for bothering you so much, I thought it would be okay since the bakery is on the way home, so..." he interrupted my apology.

"I told you its okay" he plugged his phone to the car charger and looked over to me, "I don't mind taking you."

"Okay" I shyly nodded.

As soon as he started the car he started telling me about his day; he told me about his great grandmother that recently moved with his grandparents and how they argue every day over anything, but it's cool because he found a ton of old cameras in her old apartment and she gave them to him, now he had to see if they work, but he was very happy because they looked neat.

"That's so cool" I cheered, "even if they don't work, they could still be a cool decoration."

"That's what I thought" he agreed.

"If they work bring then to dinner and take aesthetic pictures of me" I joked and he laughed.

"I will, I will."

We talked about everything, the journey seemed longer than it should have been, but it was okay. We even talked about relationships, work and children among other adult things that we're not ready for yet. When we got to destiny, he stopped the car and looked at something in his phone, I just sat there quietly until he paid attention to me to say goodbye. When he looked up, our eyes met again and we sat there, again fighting back nervous smiles.

"So... see you tomorrow?" he asked.

"See you tomorrow" I confirmed as I leant in to kiss his cheek and got out of the car.

I felt ridiculous, what was all of this? Why was I feeling this way with him? Nervous about sharing space with him, shy when we get alone, or excited to hear about what he had to tell me. That wasn't me. That couldn't be me?

Oli? Really?

There's no way...

Oh.

Oh no.