We often talk about how incredibly intense and insufferable our high school days are, as if it gets better once you're out of it. During my first years in college and "adulthood" I have learned that life doesn't get easier at all, love is still a mystery to be solved, friendship is still on a tightrope, and I'm still unemployed, questioning my career choice every single day. The only thing that has changed for me so far is that I no longer live with my parents, in fact, I live with my grandparents now.

When I was fifteen I thought I'd have everything figured out by eighteen. I turned eighteen and I knew nothing. I thought maybe I would have something figured out when I reach my twenties.

I turned twenty one a few months ago and I still know nothing.

All these thoughts I ponder while I wait for the bus to go back home after class, winter is close so it's pretty dark already. I hear my friends talk but I'm not really paying attention, although they don't mind my lack of presence at all. I guess they're used to me spacing out every now and then.

"So, you want to invite all of them? I thought it was just Alex" our classmate, Evelyn Ross, questioned but I couldn't focus enough to even acknowledge it. "Ava?" She was talking to me.

"Sorry, what?" I returned from my inner monologue.

"I'm talking about the hangout, were you serious about inviting all the boys or do you want to just invite Alex?" she repeated for me.

We don't know many of our classmates and we don't even see the same people in every class. The only students who attend every single class this semester are us and a group of boys. Alex Taylor is one of them, we first talked to him once when he walked with us to the bus stop, and I quickly realized he's what you would call a social butterfly. He never stops talking, he laughs as loud as a siren and he seems to have a special superpower for figuring out every inner joke he hears. The girls and I thought it would be cool to hang out and eat pizza at Evelyn's place, and we thought of inviting Alex, but I told them it would be rude to only invite him when there are other three boys in his group.

Actually, if I'm going to be honest, I just said that because I want Luke Hensley to come.

Luke is a guy that never speaks. He's always sitting in his silly little desk with his silly little phone, ignoring everyone around him. He's a big nerd, always studies and does the homework, he only acknowledges the other boys' existence, and he always looks moody. Somehow I found that tremendously attractive and I want to talk to him, probably because it seems impossible.

Plus, he has warm brown eyes and an intense gaze adorned with insanely long eyelashes and perfectly shaped eyebrows. His jaw sharp as a knife. His teeth perfectly aligned and white, though I've never seen him smile. He's not very tall, but he's not shorter than me so it's fine. He's always wearing baggy clothes so I don't really know how his body is. Everything about that dude is a puzzle.

"Ah, yes. I was serious about that." I answered. "It wouldn't be nice to invite just one of them, that wouldn't sit right with me. Also, it's just Luke that we don't know. Charlie is a nice guy, I've studied with him before and Darcy is friends with him, Right, Darcy?" my friend only mutters a soft mhm and continues to focus on her phone.

Darcy Kerrigan has been in my life for quite some time, we went to the same high school and we talked at a few parties but we were never really friends. I didn't know her very well so when our paths crossed again in college I didn't dare to approach her.

She never had trouble getting to know people and starting conversations, so when she saw me on our first day she just said "come sit with me" and we became friends. We have been hanging out ever since. It's actually very funny because, if you saw her, you wouldn't think she's very friendly; her eyes are incredibly intense and her eyebrows are shaped in a way that makes her look like she's always frowning. She reminds me of the Grumpy Cat, actually. But she's very beautiful. She has dark brown hair with bleached tips, a tiny nose and a ridiculously huge butt. Plus, she trains a lot. A whole lot. But she also smokes so it's hard for her to live in both worlds.

"What about Oliver?" Evelyn asks.

"What about him?" I ask back. Darcy's urge to make a funny face about Evelyn's comment makes her put her phone away and pay attention. "Maybe he won't go, but we should still include him" I say.

Evelyn and Oliver Hayes had a thing during summer break, but it was all over the phone. They never got to have a real date, and then he ghosted her, so she's still bitter about that.

"I really hope he doesn't" Evelyn said. Her angry tone made me chuckle.

"Look, it's your boyfriend" Darcy said as Oliver drove past us in his car. We broke down laughing just as the bus arrived. The rest of the trip was just us making jokes about literally everything and laughing like insane people.

After a few days we finally decided to organize something, dinner perhaps, although it would be just pizza and beer. We told Alex about the plans, he said Friday was fine. So everything was on wheels, we just had to create a group chat with everyone to let them know.

Evelyn created the group and added the boys andour other friend, Leela Osmett. We don't hangout much with her outside ofschool but we do laugh an awful lot with her during class. She's an actual sweetheart and so pretty, with curly hair and a baby face. She's also the type to wear a lot of rings and she has a ton of tattoos on her arms. She's so warm and nice you would never think she's a Scorpio.

Everyone was confused at first, but then we explained what we had in mind and, luckily, everyone accepted (yes, including Luke Hensley).

Friday night came, we all left together as Evelyn and I complained about a group project we had to do with a girl who almost blew everything, but in the end we got a good grade. Luke said he had to do something first so he would be late, I started to wonder if maybe he had a girl. Or a boy, who knows.

It wouldn't be the first time I'm into a boy who's into boys. But that's a story for another day.

When we arrived at Evelyn's apartment complex, a lot of old ladies turned their heads to look at us. I guess they're not used to seeing us bring boys, but something tells me they were staring at Alex, particularly. He's a rugby player; that says it all. He's tall and muscular, and he's also what you would consider attractive, he probably got his beard at 9 or something. I thought he was cute on our first day of class, but then my eyes moved to the silent little creep sitting next to him and I was lost. No level of attractiveness and muscles can take my sigh out of the awkward little gremlin that is Luke.

Oh, and it was going to be interesting since even Oliver Hayes accepted the invitation. I did my best to convince Evelyn to forget everything and try to view him as a potential friend. Men aren't usually relationship wise, but that doesn't mean they're bad people in general. That night I learned that I was right about that, about Oli.

He's usually a little awkward in school, we always thought it was because of Evelyn. Darcy had told me that they talked a few times, about football, mostly. But that night he let go a little and I realized he's actually hilarious. He says the dumbest things and he laughs at literally anything, I thought that's my kind of friend, but he was still reserved when it came to his personal matters and feelings. He acted a lot like Luke for quite some time.

Damn, I can't seem to stop talking about Luke.

By the time he arrived, I couldn't be more nervous. During the time he took to slowly walk up the stairs to the apartment I rushed to the bathroom, applied a little more lipstick and went back to the kitchen to casually lay against the counter as if I had always been there.

When he walked in and approached me to say hello, I was immediately drugged by his cologne.

"Where were you?" Alex asked. Oh dear.

"I was playing football" he said, blunt.

I breathed. Wait, football? No girl?

And he smells this good after sweating?!

I like him so much, fuck.

Everything was fine, better than I could've planned for. We even went for a walk around the city at two in the morning to try and find ice. The bond was almost instantly. We all got along so well, it made me feel really comfortable. I hadn't felt like that in a long time.

I guess this is the moment when I start an inner monologue about my life story and why I am the way I am. Here I go.

I had friends. We were like family. And, as expected, I was in love with one of them. Everyone had their someone in the group, and Jack was mine. I was fifteen when I met him and I fell in love almost immediately. The thing is, he was the kind of guy to appear extremely charming and likeable when you first meet him, but then you realize he's actually very manipulative and selfish. He always knew I loved him, and he loved it. So he used me for like three years.

My friends? They all knew, of course. They were aware of how fragile I was, but that didn't soften their treatment at all. They made me feel like I was the most useless and replaceable thing in the world. I was so depressed, I still am. I thought so often about ending my life, I even tried once. But after three years of that, I got away from that people. Of course I made other friends along the way, but I never had this sense of belonging again. Not until now.

Suddenly, I was lying in bed after a long night of beer and pizza and laughs and inappropriate jokes. I thought it felt nice.