I'm still fuming the next morning when Ella barges into my room, way too cheery for eight am.

"Don't wake me up until you're a solid two on the pep-o-meter." I warn from underneath my warm blanket. Seconds later, she rips said blanket off of me.

Since I sprained my ankle, Ella has been helping me get ready and let's just say it's been a very long few days. We bicker over everything when it comes to routines. She wants to do things to my hair and force me into very fancy clothing while I like to be comfortable during break. The only positive side is that if Stella was here I would be offered all black clothing.

"Rise and shine. We seriously need to get a move on if we want to get to the mall by ten." She chirps, opening my curtains.

I really hate myself for agreeing to go shopping today, the mall is the last place I want to be right now. Surrounded by parents shopping for their kids, hearing their laughter and seeing their smiles as they walk hand in hand. It's all one big punch to the gut.

As Ella turns on the shower, I can tell she knows it too. Her actions a bit too sharp and her smile a bit too forced. She's desperate to get me out of the house, to distract me. I scan my wall, pretending not to hear the water, my eyes freeze on a picture of my parents smiling back at me. I crawl out of bed, their eyes following me as I go.

After I shower Ella flips through my clothes, attempting to find something for me to wear as I do two braids in my hair, fighting against the wild locks.

"Isn't this mine?" She asks, pulling out a sequined crop top.

"Probably." I shrug, without looking. "You can have it back if you want." I don't really feel like bickering over clothing today.

In the end, I put on leggings and a braves sweatshirt with socks that cover my ankle brace and chucks. Ella doesn't even try to fight me.

I join my siblings for a sad breakfast of toast, no dancing or food being thrown across the table, a ghost of who we really are. I feel even worse when I notice the twins are connected at the hip, something they haven't done since things got back to normal.

I debate staying home but I know deep down we need to go out. Staying in this house will only haunt us beyond our limits.

We arrive at the mall after dropping Saffron off at Ashton's house. A mall full of crazy bargain hunters isn't a safe place for a seven year old.

Ashton is a welcomed distraction, chatting over nonsense as we maneuver through the crowds. I don't say much to him, only ever answering a question when he pokes my shoulder to get my attention. In return, I can't help but notice that Ashton's a bit too talkative. His rambling never stopping for more than a second.

He only rambles when he's anxious but I don't question him. He's not pressuring me. Finally, after he mindlessly sings along to Katy Perry, his least favorite singer, curiosity gets the best of me. "What's the matter?"

He hums, "Nothing." I raise an eyebrow at him, he scrunches his nose in thought. "Lets go get a snack, I'll tell you then."

I motion for him to lead the way, always ready for food. I end up at a secluded bench near one of the bathrooms, trying to create a game plan while Ashton goes to get pretzels. This is perfect, he can tell me what's on his mind and I can tell him about my parents. Win-win for everybody.

Right?

A ball gets thrown my way, landing in my lap. I look around for the owner, a small smile appearing when two little boys, around four years old, approach me. They remind me of the twins, holding hands with mischievous grins on their faces.

"Is this yours?" I ask, holding the ball in the air. They nod their heads in sync, the boy on the right reaching out for the ball. I hand it over, "Be careful where you throw this, ok?"

"We will." They assure me together, so adorable.

"Boys, don't ever leave my side again!" A shrill voice calls out. I glance up to find a woman running towards us, panic evident on her face. Their mom. She grabs both of their hands, checking them both over to make sure they're ok. "I'm so sorry they bothered you." She tells me.

I bite my lip, "It's completely fine." I assure her, avoiding her eyes. They turn to leave and for a moment I see my mom walking with the twins. Her long blond hair thrown back in a bun, paint stained hands holding onto the boys. My throat tightens up.

Ashton walks back towards me, pretzels in hand. The sadness is replaced with a queasiness that settles in the pit of my stomach.

"Ok." He starts, pulling my feet into his lap, fingers tapping against my legs. "I got an offer the other day."

I blink. "What kind of offer?" A job? The opportunity to be a male model?

"An offer to play football at the University of Oklahoma."

Oh wow. That's not depressing news at all. "That's amazing, Ashton! I'm so stupid for not remembering" I cheer with a smile on my face. I completely forgot he attended one of their camps a few weeks ago. It really is a huge success to be even looked at by a college. Sage has had offers for baseball but he's never committed. Ashton, on the other hand, is going to be in his senior season. Now is his prime time.

"Yeah, it is. Camp went even better than I thought it did" He rubs his lips together, clearly embarrassed by the level of attention he's getting.

"What are you going to do?" I try to sound casual but I'm dying to know. Will he take it?

He scratches his head, "I don't know, nothing yet. I mean the offers there and other teams are interested so I'll wait a while. I wasn't even expecting this so it's all a shock."

I move my legs to hug him. He feels so comfortable to me by now that's it's almost scary. Sages words flash through my mind. How can I rely on Ashton when he'll be nine hours away at school while I'm stuck here? He'll be surrounded by better opportunities and better people while I'll be forgotten.

I'm silent for a while, nibbling on my food. The words burning on the tip of my tongue, begging to come out but I hold them in.

"Hey, are you ok?" Ashton asks, tugging on my braid to get my attention.

I blink up at him, trying to keep my face neutral. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He laughs, "Well, you haven't said anything even somewhat rude to me today." I roll my eyes, angry with myself for not faking it better. Usually I'm able to fool everyone around me but today I can already feel myself falling. He continues, a more serious look on his face. "I don't know, you just seem distant."

It pains me to see his happiness replaced with worry. How can I ruin such good news? I watch him take a bite out of his pretzel, studying the boy that is so caring and compassionate and the answer is simple. I don't.

"I'm perfectly fine, Ash." I assure him, the words feeling like poison in my mouth.

*****

Sage glares at me the entire drive home. I pretend I don't see him. Ella tries to keep the mood light by chatting with the twins but it doesn't work. It's too late now to even change my mind about telling Ashton because when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be in hell.

Ella gives me a hug and reminds me that she loves me a million times before she goes up to Sage's room. Stella and Sam made James drive all the way to our house from the mall just so they could hug us one more time and when James gives me a tight hug, I'm surprised. 

"It will all work out, Scar." He whispers reassuringly in my ear. I don't know if he's talking about my parents or Ashton.

*****

Uncle John cooks tacos for dinner, not even attempting to lighten the mood. He seems more haunted than I am, a glaze over his usually bright brown eyes.

Dinner is short and silent, the kids all dispersing to their rooms, leaving just Uncle John and myself at the table.

"Do you want me to come by tomorrow?" He questions, fiddling with his napkin.

"Are you sure you'll be able to drive?" I don't mean to hit a nerve but I do.

After my parents died John fell into drinking to cope with his grief, and guilt. He got sober on my 17th birthday after I refused to let him come over till he got help. It's one thing to lose your family, but to watch the closest thing you have to a parent suffer is a whole other type of pain.

His hands still, shame evident on his face. "I don't do that anymore."

I reach over and grab his hand, feeling terrible for even questioning him. "I know, I just wanted to make sure." Anniversaries tend to cause relapse. "It depends on how we are, and how you're doing."

Last year we didn't get out of bed at all, it wasn't a pretty sight.

I'm about to go do the dishes when Uncle John clears his throat. "Did you tell the punk?"

"His name is Ashton." I reprimand him, hiding my grimace. Since our little encounter on Christmas Eve, Uncle John has become president of the I hate Ashton McClain club. He just rolls his eyes. "And no, I didn't."

"Bean-" He starts, I hold a hand up.

"It never came up." He gives me an incredulous look.

"And you never thought to bring it up ?"

"No. I've had other concerns." Like how happy he makes me.

"You can't keep it a secret forever." He chides, staring off at the picture of me as a baby on the wall.

"I know." I whisper. I didn't plan for this to happen, it just sucks that I have to be the one to go through this.

"You're so much like your mother." He mutters, more to himself than to me.

It takes whatever strength I have left not to say something to him. My mother was nothing like me, she was so colorful and full of life.

She was never as broken as I am.

*****

Later on, I tuck my siblings into their own beds, besides the twins who sleep in Sterling's room, agreeing we needed to be alone for a while. I wander up to my bedroom, avoiding the pictures on my wall as I turn my phone off and crawl into bed.

As I lay in the darkness, my phone mocks me from my nightstand, the thought of texting Ashton growing stronger by the minute. Instantly, I'm back on my feet, phone in hand. One text is all I have to send.

With one text Ashton will be with me tomorrow, offering himself as rock of solidarity against the storm of my grief. I have the message all typed out when I remember something.

This time two years ago I fought with my parents because I wanted to go to Bennett's house and now, here I am, focusing on another guy. I'm disgusted by my own selfishness.

A message flashes across my phone.

Ash
Good night Sweetheart

I drop my phone like it burned me, crawling into bed with a coldness in my chest that I didn't have earlier.

I can face this on my own. I have too.

*****

And the next three chapters are gonna bring on the water works. I'm so anxious for how this will all play out but I know there's so much story left to be told so be ready. Also, I've been editing the early chapters, changing and adding things so go check them out if you're interested.
Xo-Mo