My father was a big movie buff he was not big on reading for a long time and he wanted me to Watch LA confidential with them at film nor and I dispised his taste in movies except for Chinese dramas or Charly Wood. I only do it with the other stuff because I was annoying and I wanted to please him but anyway that was beside the point I got so annoyed and I didn't want to go up and play video games and there is a chicken soup for the teenage soup book. It was called teenage so letters and it was by chicken soup and I started wining a write a letter about what I was going through as a child anyway I ended up getting addicted to books my grade started to get a little higher all because my father had fucked up taste in movies and soon I was able to go to I could go on a university but I didn't because of fear of bullying basically I know they're going to be everywhere and that was the size of it. Every time he whipped out a DVD and it wasn't Chinese or whore or anything that wasn't gonna be good in my opinion that had FBI or other shit I just saw it fuck I'm going to read a book I'm going up to my room to read a book then I ended up turning being turned off from TV all together and trying not to watch jack shit.
Show me the TV was starting to be an annoyance but it was a good thing because that thing was demoing me in the first place so I just saw it I was just gonna fucking read. What happens is when you read you enhance your writing skills and that's what happen with me I read everything from Aurora close to horror to sci-fi and fantasy and I was not afraid to say that. Though I don't like NSFW crap. Except for my language that's a little rough around the edges but anyway I decide to read and I just saw it after a few boards a quite a few books about 1 million box that I decided to try to write. And especially after the Ian Fleming documentary that really easing me on the writing. And then I found out about Wattpad and that's what happened there. But I still read physical paper books I don't like e-books very much even though I produce e-books for the most part I despise it Ybor city kind of drive me a little nuts and that is the truth with e-books. I wish they were more physical books and e-books but everything is going electronic now and it's driving me nuts. The only thing that's going to go back to physical boxes of the polar the pole shaft magnetically that's the only way I can see the physical boxer when I come back and play. Because that's what I was growing up in Rejean was the paper box I wasn't raised on a box like these idiots nowadays. I'm sorry to say that but that is the case. I've always had a love of reading but when I tried to watch film noir with my father I was so disgusted that I ended up rekindling my love of reading and ended up becoming a book junkie I had to have a book with me at all times because of my ADHD and that's the truth and as much as I took my meds for ADHD they made me violent as fuck. That was the only time I was ever violent was when I checked the car the same damn car that I crashed in the goddamn neighbours room so I'm not happy with that car so I kicked it and dented it as you can probably guess with my Strank's. So that was not a good smart move on my part. But anyway I was just trying to say some thing I can't remember what I was trying to say but I was really mad. There are been so many times I have been mean to my parents as I said to my mother when I last saw her alive and she was withering in pain I told her I wasn't the best daughter in the world that I was always swearing or in a rage or whatever else that I can find that made me a flawed person but I told her I still love her none the less.
One of my friends Sherry said you have anything to say to your mom I said well I wasn't the best daughter and I'm sorry for that but I still love you I held my mothers hand for quite some time that day I forgot about her flaws and a side address hold her hand and try to be a loving daughter that was all I can say. And I said as much as I had to say and I even went as far as to have tried to have her to sign my baseball foul ball that I got but anyways I ended up having a forge her own signature for the very first time in my life for her freaking signature because she was in so much pain. I never wanna ever do that again or I never want my children if I end up with children adopting them that they have to run for any reason medical reason for me to have them is forge my signature it's just not right to have to do that to your own family and friends you know what I have you for your signature because you're so weak and pain is that is the epitome of suffering right there is if you cannot even spell your own name or write your own name because you're in so much pain I mean it was sad. And I knew she was gonna go out sometime in this month I just didn't know when until I went to my brother's and I got the fucking phone call from my other brother John. I am very mixed emotions about this I don't know what to say about this so I'm just gonna say this is what I have to deal with in life. I have dealt with loss before with goldfish and pats but never really had to deal with this big of a deal and since my grandmother's passing. I said that was no fucking goldfish that died. And I say this again this is not a goddamn goldfish this was my mother. It is not going to be easy for me I'm going to continue writing and trying to write my goddamn mood tracker diary which I hope to download on the Amazon soon I'm very saddened by what had happened but I know that she's in a much better place and she's easier to get along now she's not in so much pain and she's dealing with life a lot easier. Do I believe in heaven ass do I believe in hell no. But one thing I know is she's much better play she's either reincarnated or she is gone to heaven either way she is in less pain than she was when I last saw her. I vowed that if I found enlightenment that I would still go through samsara just to be with my mother. Samsara is the cycle of birth and rebirth is a kind of luck after life I said I would continue that even if I found enlightenment that was when I was a Buddhist now I'm very spiritual so that's beside the point. I've gone through so many religions when I have birthdays because of my PTSD it's not even a fucking joke but I have learned to appreciate every single religion and culture there is whether I'm associated with it genetically or not. And I realize that people are just people that and there's no different from me or you and that is the finals thing about that. I don't believe in racism or homophobia Islam a phobia or any kind of anti-Semitism because we're just gonna sleep at the end of the day and when we reach our limit we're going to die. And that's the goddamn truth and we're all the same we have the same anatomy same feeling the same emotion the same maybe the same dreams and desires but that's beside the point I desire a riding career I desire everything from a riding career to being a tattoo artist to a free Tibet. As well as a no more Guantánamo Bay so any pranksters or people who feel the need to defend themselves don't have to fear their principles that's what I believe and that's what I dream in. Because of my mother I dream in a better world of a better world I mean and that is what I think is that I'm a visionary Weatherby designing tattoos for me or other people or rapping or writing or guitar I am a visionary I try to vision something that I want done and I want it done now. I am very ambitious with what I'm doing and I have inherited that from a very ambitious woman. I'm very determined and usually a very stubborn woman and usually she's very stubborn and wouldn't go away as easily as he did but in this case he did I guess his stubbornness had went off. But I know the love has not because I can actually feel the warmth of her soul next to me even though I'm wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants as I'm trying to get some sleep right now. It's not usual that I would go to bed in a T-shirt and well usually I go in sweatpants but not a T-shirt because I of the cold. But my bedroom seems a lot more warmer more friend later could it be my Reiki pyramid I don't know but I think it's more or less somebody is visiting me even though I need her right now to know that I've still doing good things it's very sad but I can tell that she is not hostile or anything this is my mother's ghost. Say what you want to say you fucking atheists and about no ghosts and no supernatural well fuck off that's what I think I'm not trying to be hateful I'm just trying to say I'm being who I am and that is me being spiritual to a point where I'll tell you to fuck off if you're scientific. If you're hard-core scientific that is where you can't believe anything even a fart know when the storm. Yeah well I'm gonna tell you things do exist they don't need to be proven. And that is what drives me in completely insane is that people are sceptics and they use science as a weapon against spirituality and that is just not right I think the two and two should be in tandem together at least that's what I think I don't believe in going around debunking everything I think there are some things that have been said and they've been said and witnessed by true people not bullshitters for example Sasquatch I've seen Sasquatch bent trees on Sasquatch Tebbs. Have I seen Sasquatch no but I've seen the result of Sasquatch. I've also have seen aliens and I have seen siren head and I believe in ghosts am I insane no in fact if you need anything is the atheists that are insane because they're the ones that don't believe in half the shit that goes on in this world while it's in the goddamn newspaper it's real so get used to it or go to hell that's what I think I'm usually a loving decent person but when I am certain my ways I am certain my ways and that's how I am just like my mother was certain her ways and that was the way she was. And that's the same way that I am!

-T.M.