The twins 5th birthday arrived on a Friday, and Harry and Louis decided to make a very big deal out of it, because it was big milestone!

After all, it was the last year they would be able to say their age using just one hand.

So that day after school, they took them out for a lunch out that they knew they would enjoy, and then they went to a trampoline park, which was pretty fun. To be fair though, Louis just watched Harry and the twins jump around because he didn't want to do anything remotely dangerous... just in case he was pregnant already.

They had only started trying a week a half ago, but what if it had already happened? There was no way he was risking it, which was why he was already taking prenatal vitamins, and why he had cut alcohol, raw meat and everything else that could harm his potential baby.

He had promised himself that this time everything would be different.

On Saturday, they had a birthday party at the house, and all of Harry's family came, as well as Louis' nan, and some of the girls' friends from school. It was definitely tight, thought, because the house wasn't that big, and Louis told himself that they could probably start looking for a bigger place to buy soon, especially if their family was going to grow.

But then came Sunday, the day Louis was dreading the most, because even though his path wasn't going to cross with the girls grandparents, their mere presence in Brighton made him uneasy. Thankfully though, the day went by without him seeing them, and from what Harry told him that night they were very civilized the entire time he was with them, so it was a relief.

It was the day before Harry's birthday that Louis woke up feeling a little dizzy, and his first thought was that it could be a pregnancy symptom. He didn't throw up, and the dizzy spell passed, but he kept thinking about it through the day, especially when at some point during the afternoon it happened again, but again it passed soon enough.

But that was also when he started to freak out, because what if he had been wrong? What if this was a mistake, what if he turned out to be a horrible mum?

He tried to shut down the thoughts, but it was impossible, and that evening as they watched a movie with the girls before they went to bed, he kept thinking and thinking about it.

"Alright, bed time" Harry announced when the movie was over "Go to your room, I'll be right there to tuck you in".

The girls had already eaten, and had their PJ's on, and it was actually past their bedtime, but they usually allowed them to stay up an extra hour during Saturdays. But they were tired, so they both went straight up to their room.

"Harry, I'm going to take Roxy for a walk while you put the girls to bed" Louis announced, deciding he needed fresh air.

"It's a little late for that, isn't it? And cold?" Harry pointed out, which was probably right.

"Yeah, but I like the cold air sometimes, it helps clear my head" Louis replied.

"Is everything okay?" Harry wondered.

"Yeah, everything's great" Louis smiled.

"Okay" Harry said, and kissed his lips "Be careful".

Louis nodded, and Harry went upstairs, while Louis put on his coat and shoes, then put Roxy's coat on because he didn't want her to get cold, and the grabbed her leash.

The neighborhood was pretty quiet, well, it was always like that, and the cold air was hitting hard, but it did help him clear his head. When he used to drive his motorcycle, he used to love to feel the cold air in his face, and although this wasn't the same, it made for a good replacement.

We walked around the neighborhood for about half an hour, and when he got back, and let Roxy free, he went upstairs and found Harry in their bedroom putting clean laundry away.

"How was the walk?" Harry wondered.

"Uhm... good" Louis replied hesitantly.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Harry frowned.

Louis shook his head.

"What is it?" Harry questioned.

"I think I'm pregnant" Louis confessed.

A little smile played on Harry's lips, but then it changed to concern.

"Why do you have that face? This is a good thing, isn't it?" Harry told him.

"Yes, but I'm scared" Louis whispered.

"I get why it's scary, baby, but this is what we wanted, it's why you've been working so hard preparing your body and your mind" Harry said delicately.

"I know" Louis sighed.

"Why don't you take a test? If it's negative, then there's nothing to be scared about" Harry suggested.

"It's going to be positive, I can feel it, I'm pregnant" Louis stated.

"Let's take a test, okay?" Harry asked.

"Yeah...".

Louis had bought a bunch of pregnancy tests a couple of weeks ago, knowing he would need them, so he went into the bathroom, and decided to take two tests, just in case.

When he was done he left the tests on the bathroom counter, washed his hands, and opened the bathroom door for Harry to come in.

"How long does it take?" Harry questioned.

"2 minutes" Louis replied "It's already been 1".

"Okay" Harry said, and gave him a smile "If you're pregnant it will be like a birthday present".

"I guess" Louis admitted.

"Have you taken others tests since we started trying?" Harry wondered.

"No" Louis shook his head "This is the first test I take since I found out I was pregnant with Landon".

Harry put his arms around him and kissed his head and rubbed his back, until Louis felt enough time had passed.

He took a deep breath then he walked to the counter, and he looked at the tests.

"So?" Harry asked expectantly.

"I'm not pregnant" Louis mumbled, and looked at his husband.

Harry's smile vanished, and he looked disappointed.

"I'm sorry" Louis apologized, and felt his eyes fill with tears.

"Don't apologize" Harry shook his head, and wrapped his arms around Louis tightly again.

"I really thought I was pregnant" Louis whispered.

"It will happen" Harry assured him as he rubbed his back "We just started trying".

"Yeah..." Louis sighed.

"Come on, baby, don't be sad" Harry told him, and smiled at him as he let go to look at his face "I'll get you pregnant soon enough, don't worry".

"I'm sorry I ruined your birthday, I should't have said anything" Louis said.

"You haven't ruined anything, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm actually glad you told me and that we did this together" Harry assured him.

"Yeah?" Louis asked.

"Yes" Harry confirmed "So in the future if you think you're pregnant again at any point, just tell me so we can do this together again".

"Thank you for always being so supportive" Louis replied.

"That's what husbands are for, my Lou" Harry said sweetly, and kissed his forehead.

Louis tried to smile, but he still felt sad and disappointed; he had been so worried about what it meant being pregnant, that he hadn't even considered that he actually could not be pregnant.

He crawled into bed after putting his pajamas and brushing his teeth, still feeling pretty depressed still about the outcome, and when Harry joined him, he couldn't help but cry, because he felt like a failure.

"Baby, it's only been a month, if that" Harry consoled him.

"I know" Louis sobbed "I just really want this".

"It will happen, my love" Harry assured him.

"You promise?" Louis asked, although he knew he was being stupid for asking that.

"I promise".

The next day being Harry's birthday, Louis tried his best to be okay, and he thought he succeeded, because he woke up early to make a nice breakfast for his husband, and he and the girls have him presents and birthday cards.

The following weeks of February (which included Landon's birthday and death anniversary, which were not good days for Louis, or Harry got that matter), they continued doing their best efforts to get pregnant, and Louis kept taking tests which all turned out negative. Louis even started tracking ovulating days, to read on what were the best positions during sex to get pregnant, and what foods could help. But when he took a test on the third week of February, which was negative again Louis just broke.

"Why is it not working?" Louis demanded.

"It will" Harry said patiently.

"What if I can't get pregnant anymore?" Louis asked in tears.

"You can get pregnant, Lou" Harry assured him "You just need to relax".

"So this is my fault? I'm not pregnant yet because I'm not relaxed?".

"I didn't say that" Harry denied.

"I fücking hate this" Louis cursed, and laid down on the bed, his face to the ceiling "I hate it".

"Lou, please don't get like this" Harry begged.

"How do you want me to get? I've been doing all this shït to be able to get pregnant and now it's not happening" Louis said feeling frustrated "I don't understand".

"It's not been that long" Harry said what he always told him, and sat on the bed next to him "You have to be patient".

"It's easy for you to say, you have the girls and I have nothing because Landon isn't here" Louis sighed sadly.

"The girls are yours too" Harry reminded him "You always say you love them as if they were yours".

"I do, Harry, but I'm not their mummy, I want to be someone's mummy" Louis said as he wiped the tears from the rim of his eyes.

"You will be" Harry said patiently as he gently pushed Louis' hair back.

Louis sighed.

"We'll keep trying" Harry said "And you know, the more we try, the more chances we have".

"Can we try now?" Louis begged.

"Yes, we can" Harry agreed "Let me lock the door".

And so they continued to have sex as much as they could, but at some point Louis felt like it was a chore more than anything, and although he hated that, because he had always really enjoyed sex with Harry, he didn't care because he had one goal and one goal only: to have a baby.

It was a Saturday in March when Niall and Liam invited Harry, Louis and the girls to Liam's restaurant to have lunch, as they hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, and it was always good to catch up with friends, and the food at the restaurant was always delicious.

"So we actually have some news" Liam said while they all ate.

"What is it?" Harry asked curiously.

"We're going to have a baby" Niall announced with a smile on his face.

Louis could have broken down in tears when he heard that, because why did Niall get to have a baby and he didn't?

"Congratulations!" Harry said happily, he was so sweet and sounded sincere "This is amazing news, I'm so happy for you".

"Thanks, mate" Liam grinned "We're excited".

"You're going to be great parents" Louis said and tried to smile "Congratulations!".

"Thanks, Lou" Niall smiled at him.

"Where's the baby?" Quinn asked confused.

"The baby's in my tummy" Niall explained.

"No" Quinn shook her head "When mummy's have a baby in their tummy their tummy is big".

"The baby in my tummy is still little that's why my tummy's not big yet" Niall explained sweetly "But it will get bigger".

"How big?" Quinn wondered.

"Hopefully not that big" Niall chuckled.

"How far along are you, mate?" Harry wondered.

"Almost 13 weeks" Niall explained "I'm due September 15th".

"Baby might even be his birthday twin" Liam added.

"Don't say that, I don't want to spend my birthday in labor" Niall pointed out.

"So how long have you known?" Harry wanted to know.

"We found out at the beginning of January, I think?" Niall asked looked at his husband.

"Yeah, I'd say so" Liam confirmed "But we wanted to keep it between us until we knew it was safe".

"Yes" Niall confirmed.

"How have you been feeling?" Louis found his voice again to ask, although he was still sad... and jealous.

"At first not that great, but lately it's gotten better" Niall smiled.

"That's good" Louis smiled back.

Just then Willa told Louis she wanted to go to the bathroom, so Louis took her, and he was very grateful for that because it meant that he could get away, and while Willa peed, he washed his face, which made him feel better.

But when they went back to the table, they were still talking about the baby, and Niall was saying how he thought it was a boy, while Liam thought it was a girl, and that they would find out in a few weeks.

When the lunch was finally over almost an hour later, and left the restaurant, Louis felt relieved.

"Are you alright?" Harry asked after they sat the girls in the car, but they didn't get in yet.

"No" Louis mumbled "I tried to pretend I was fine, do you think they noticed I wasn't?".

"I don't think they did" Harry assured him.

"I am happy for them, but I can't help feeling jealous" Louis explained.

"We're going to announce our baby pretty soon, you'll see" Harry told him, and gave him a kiss.

Louis nodded, and they got in the car, and went home, where the girls decided they wanted to play outside, and Harry watched them while Louis sat down to watch a movie and feel bad for himself.

On Monday during his therapy session, Louis unloaded everything he had been feeling on his therapist... well, that's what he did every week, so this wasn't the first time Abigail was hearing about Louis' frustration about not getting pregnant.

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Louis, we talked about this last week" Abigail told him "That's not healthy".

"But how do I stop doing that? I'm the one that's supposed to get pregnant!" Louis fought "I'm a failure".

"There should be no pressure on anyone" Abigail explained "Take this process one day at a time, one pregnancy test at a time".

"Harry's disappointed" Louis mumbled.

"Has he said that?" Abigail wanted to know.

"I can see it in him, and I want to cry and scream every time I see his disappointed face".

"Have you talked to him about it?".

"He says we have to be patient, that it will happen, that it just takes time sometimes" Louis explained.

"It sounds very reasonable" Abigail commented.

"He's lying, I know he doesn't mean it" Louis declared, and his eyes suddenly filled with tears "He's going to divorce me because I can't have a baby".

"Has he given you reason to think that" Abigail questioned.

Louis shrugged.

"What does that mean?" Abigail pushed "Use your words".

"He's going to leave me" Louis whispered.

"Louis, I know don't you want to hear this, but It seems like you're having a small BPD outbreak" Abigail considered.

"No, I'm not" Louis denied "I'm not out of control!".

"I didn't say that, and It's okay, it's normal for this to happen under stressful situations, this doesn't mean you're out of control" Abigail explained.

"I don't like feeling like this" Louis said and put the heels of his hands on his eyes.

"How do you feel?" Abigail wondered.

"Like I can't control what I feel" Louis admitted as his heart pounded on his chest "Like I'm falling into a black hole and there's nothing to hold onto".

"Louis, look at me please".

Louis took a deep breath, and uncovered his face to look at his therapist.

"You're not out of control, whatever small control you've lost, you have the tools to get it back" Abigail reminded him.

Louis didn't believe that, but still they spent the rest of the session going over all these tools Louis supposedly had. By the time it was over, he felt a little better, but the second he stepped out of Abigail's office, all his anxiety came rushing into him, and he felt like he was spinning.

He would have normally walked home, or taken the bus, but he knew he couldn't do it, so he got an Uber, but not to his house, he took it to his nan's.

She wasn't home though, but he had a key, so he opened the door and went straight to his ex-bedroom, took his shoes off and his jacket, which he dropped on the floor, and got inside the bed covers, even his head was covered.

He didn't sleep, though, he just laid there.

At times he could hear his phone buzzing in the pocket of his jacket, but he didn't care about it, why would he care?

He suddenly heard steps, and suddenly his head was uncovered, and he saw his nan.

"What are you doing here, love?" Helen asked confused "Harry's worried sick about you, he's called me twice already looking for you".

But Louis didn't reply, he just covered his head again, trying to disappear under the bed covers.

"Sweetheart, what's happening?" Helen asked, me uncovered his head again.

Suddenly a phone rang, and his nan picked up.

"He's here at the house, darling" Helen said through the phone "Yes, give me a second... Lou, Harry's on the phone".

Louis took it without even thinking about it, and he put it over his ear.

"Yes?" Louis mumbled.

"Louis, what the hell?" Harry asked "I was expecting you over 2 hours ago, but you didn't show up and you didn't pick up the phone? I almost started calling hospitals".

"I've been here" Louis spoke.

"A little heads up would have been nice" Harry replied "What time are you coming home?".

"I don't know" said Louis.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Harry asked confused "And why are you even there? Not even your nan knew you were there".

"I don't know" Louis said again.

"Louis, why do have that voice? What is happening?" Harry demanded.

Louis didn't reply, not even he knew what was happening, so he just passed the phone back to his nan.

"Harry?" Helen said while Louis covered his head again "I'll try to decipher what happened and I'll call you back, okay?... I know, love... yes, don't worry, I'll call you right back".

Then there was silence, and Louis felt the bed move, and he knew his nan had sat on the bed.

"What is happening, love?" Helen asked.

"I don't wanna see Harry" Louis replied.

"Why?".

"Harry hates me, he hates me, Nan" Louis said as he suddenly started crying.

"Did you have a fight?" Helen wondered.

"I'm not pregnant yet, and he hates me for that" Louis said without answering her question.

"Harry loves you, Lou" Helen said patiently "You didn't tell me you were trying to have a baby yet".

"Yes! Since January, but I'm still not pregnant and he's going to leave me!" Louis cried.

"No, don't say that" Helen said softly.

"You don't know anything!" Louis yelled.

"Don't raise your voice at me, I'm trying to help you".

"Leave me alone!" Louis exclaimed.

He didn't know what happened after that, because he buried himself under the blankets again, we wanted so bad to not feel what he was feeling but it was all shredding him inside.

But still he didn't sleep, sleep wasn't coming to him despite the fact that it was probably late, and when his bed covers were pulled down again, this time it was Harry.

"Lou, what's going on?" Harry asked.

"I don't want to see you" Louis told him "Leave".

"No" Harry refused "We don't do things like these anymore".

"Go away" said Louis.

"I had Liam come to our house to stay with the girls so I could come get you, so I'm not leaving until you tell me what's happening"

But Louis didn't reply.

"Lou, what happened? You were fine this morning..." Harry started.

"I wasn't!" Louis exclaimed.

"Your nan told me you said I hate you and I'm going to leave you? Why would you say that?" Harry wondered.

"Because I'm not pregnant" Louis cried "And you don't want to be with me anymore".

"Lou..." Harry frowned "Do you really believe that?".

"Y-yes" Louis cried.

Harry just stared at him while Louis cried, until he sat on the bed, and put his arms around him tightly.

"I'm not going anywhere" Harry whispered "And I don't want a baby if this process is doing this to you, it's not worth it".

"No!" Louis exclaimed, because he did want a baby, he wanted it badly.

"Louis, my love, listen..." Harry told him as he let go of him to look at his face "Before the medication switch you asked me to tell you if you ever started acting strange or different, and I don't like saying it, but it's happening, baby, and we need to do something about it".

Louis was hearing the words coming out of Harry's mouth but he wasn't processing them properly, he felt like Harry didn't understand him....

"I want a baby, Harry" Louis cried "I want a baby".

"Please calm down, love" Harry said as he hugged him again, and rubbed his back "I'm here, everything's okay".

Louis sobbed in Harry's arms until he was too tired to keep crying, and Harry laid him down on the bed, and then... nothing.

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A.N. This is a little cliffhanger I think 🤭

What are your thoughts?

Is Louis okay?

Thank you for reading, voting and letting me know what you think, I appreciate it so much!

Xoxo