Harry brought Landon's ashes home that night.

He had no idea where to put them, though, but in the end he just left them on his nightstand, so he could see them all the time.

He just wasn't ready to let go yet.

The problem was that Harry barely slept that night, he kept waking up, and he kept checking on the ashes, to make sure that they were still there.

When morning finally came, Harry barely got out of bed, and Gemma made him breakfast, as she had arrived the night before, just to stay with Harry overnight, despite Harry's protests that it wasn't necessary.

He knew Louis was hopefully being released from the ICU this morning, and transferred into a regular hospital room, and he was hoping that the change of room would make Louis change his mind about seeing his boyfriend.

They had been told that Louis could have his own things at the new room, the psychiatrist saying that it would help him to have familiar things, so after getting ready to leave, Harry started packing a bag with some of Louis' essentials, as well as his favorites, including a blanket.

"Harry?" Gemma asked coming inside the bedroom.

"Yeah?" Harry questioned.

"There's a delivery for you..." Gemma told him.

"Okay...?".

"I tried to tell them to take it back, but they said they can't, that if you want to return it, you have to talk to the company, and then they will pick it up" Gemma said

Harry was confused at first, as to why Gemma had tried to send a package back, but then it clicked.

"It's the crib, isn't it?" Harry asked in realization, because he knew it was supposed to arrive this week.

Gemma nodded.

Harry sighed, and left the bedroom, going to the entrance of the house, where he found a brown box with a picture of a crib in the front, and then a white box with a picture of a baby laying down in a little mattress.

And just seeing that, and knowing that Landon would never use those things, made Harry's heart clench, so much that he fell down on his knees right there, and started crying.

He felt his sister's arms around him, telling him to just let it out, but that everything would be okay, and that she was here for him, always.

"This is so unfair, Gem" Harry said as he wiped his tears.

He had calmed down, but he was still sitting on the floor, and so was Gemma.

"I know it is" Gemma agreed.

"Every time I feel like I'm doing a little better, something happens, and it's like I go back to where I started" Harry explained.

"The pain's not going to go away fast, but it will get better eventually".

"Will it?" Harry asked doubtful.

"I don't know the type of pain you're going through, but I know time is the best cure for all wounds" Gemma said softly.

"I wish I could go to sleep for a year, then wake up and have this feeling gone".

"I don't think you'll ever stop feeling sad when you think about Landon, but you have to go through this grieving process to be able to heal" Gemma considered.

"I wish I could do that with Louis, I just now it would be a lot easier with him" Harry mumbled.

"He probably just needs some time alone, but he loves you, Harry, and I don't think what happened to Landon will change that" Gemma told him.

"I hope you're right" Harry sighed, and looked at his sister "I can't lose him too".

"You won't, love" Gemma said giving him a warm smile.

It was almost 11 AM when Harry finally arrived at the hospital that day, his latest breakdown having left him drained, and he had to force himself to leave the flat, specially knowing that he might not even see Louis.

When he got there, he was told that Louis had in fact been released from the ICU, and was now in a regular room. But he was also met with the news that Louis still didn't want to see him, and had explicitly told his doctors, nurses, and even his family, that Harry wasn't allowed in his room.

"But why?" Harry asked Louis' grandmother.

"He's only saying he doesn't want to see you, nothing else" Helen explained "He's grieving and in a lot of pain".

"I'm grieving and in pain too, doesn't he realize that?" Harry asked.

"I know, love, and I understand that you want your boyfriend with you, but Louis' recovering physically and mentally, and we can't ask of him more than he can give" Helen explained.

"Can you please tell him that I'm going to be out here waiting anyway? That I'm not going anywhere and that I love him?" Harry asked.

"Of course I will" Helen agreed.

"Okay" Harry nodded, and gave her the bag with Louis' things.

But nothing changed that day, so Harry had to go home at the end of the day feeling shïtty, and questioning when would Louis come around...

Then the exact thing happened on Friday, as Harry spent the entire day at the hospital, hopeful that that would be the day when he would get to see Louis, and talk to him, but it wasn't, and he went home feeling as defeated as the other days.

When Saturday came, Harry didn't even feel like going to the hospital, but then he thought about Louis laying on that hospital bed, and in pain for the loss of their son, and he decided that even if there was a tiny chance of Louis wanting to see him, he had to be there.

So he went, and he was alone for the first time.

After a lot of insisting to his family, they had agreed to stop taking turns 'babysitting' him, but made him promise that he would call if he needed them, and he did.

When he arrived at the hospital, he saw Louis' grandparents in the waiting room, waiting for visiting hours to start shortly. Louis' mum wasn't there, though, and Harry wondered if she had already gone back home to her husband and other kids.

"We just talked to Louis' doctors" Helen announced after they said hello.

"What did they say?" Harry questioned.

"Physically, he's doing great, they said that he could even be released this evening if it was only that that was wrong" Helen explained.

"What does that mean?" asked Harry.

"The psychiatrist doesn't think he's ready to leave the hospital" Arthur explained.

"Oh" Harry realized.

Because he hadn't seen Louis since Wednesday, and even then he had only seen him for a few minutes, he didn't really know much about Louis' mental state, not exactly.

"He actually recommended that Louis goes into a mental health facility for a few weeks" Helen explained.

"Is that really necessary?" Harry frowned.

"He thinks it is, and we agree" Helen explained, and Arthur nodded "We've never seen Louis like this, not even at his lowest, between losing Landon, the post pregnancy hormones, his injuries, and most importantly his BPD... it's too much, and he's just too unwell mentally".

"I need to see him, Mrs. Morgan, if he's doing that bad, I need to see him" Harry begged "And maybe I can help, Lou always says that I'm the one person that can makes things better when everything around him is darkness".

"Harry, trust me that I tell him all the time that you're out here, that you want to see him, that you're grieving too, and that you can help each other" Helen explained "But every single time I mention you, he closes off, and he says he doesn't want to see you, and not to let you get near him".

"I don't understand why he's doing this, doesn't he realize that I love him?" Harry asked feeling desperate.

"I'm so sorry, Harry" Helen said apologetically.

"What if I just go in there? Maybe if he actually sees me he'll realize that what you've been telling him it's true, that no matter what I'm still here, and I'm committed" Harry begged again.

"I don't think that's a good idea" Helen replied "But I will ask him again if he wants to see you, but if he says no again, I won't force him, he's too delicate right now".

Harry agreed, and when visiting hours started a few minutes later, both Helen and Arthur went in to Louis' room, and Harry stayed in the waiting area, doing exactly that... waiting.

He waited for around half an hour, and then he saw Helen came back to find him, but Harry's hopes went down the drain the saw he saw her making an apologetic face.

"Did he say why this time?" Harry questioned.

"He didn't" Helen replied.

Harry took a deep breath, and blinked away tears, which were a mix of sadness and frustration.

"Does this mean he never wants to see me again? Is this his way to break up with me?" Harry dared ask, because it had been too long now, and he was getting scared.

"I don't know, love" Helen replied.

"You know that I do love him, right? And that I don't blame him for what happened? That all I want to do is be there for him?" Harry questioned.

"I know, Harry, I've seen you be here for him every single day, so I don't doubt your love and commitment to Louis, but there's nothing else I can do" the woman explained "I'm sorry".

"Then I'll go home..." Harry declared.

"I'll let you know if anything happens, okay?" Helen proposed.

"Thanks" Harry tried to smile.

They said goodbye, and Helen turned to go back to Louis' room, and Harry walked in the opposite direction, but he didn't go home as he said he would.

In fact, he didn't leave the hospital, as he decided he wasn't going to go down without a fight.

So he waited around all morning, until the time came when Louis' grandparents usually went to the cafeteria to grab lunch (they were old, so they really liked sticking to a routine), and that was when he snuck in.

Harry honestly knew he shouldn't do what he was doing, but there was something within him that told him that it was the right thing to do.

He had been right about Helen and Arthur's lunch time, because when he peeked in the room, Louis was alone there. But Louis didn't see Harry at first, as the boy in the bed was looking in the direction of the window, which was on the opposite direction of the door.

So Harry walked in the room quietly, and when he was almost at the bed, he spoke softly.

"Lou?".

Louis turned his head, and looked at Harry, and right away he saw in his eyes a look of hope, but then it turned to sadness for a few seconds, and then it was just anger.

"Get out of here" Louis told him, his voice a lot stronger than last time.

"Why are you pushing me away, Lou?" Harry decided to ask "I don't understand".

"You're not allowed to be here" Louis said, not giving Harry an answer, and he sat up on the bed "Get out!".

"At least tell me why?" Harry demanded "Does this mean that you want to break up with me?".

"Get the fück out!" Louis screamed.

Harry was taken aback, because he has never heard Louis scream like that, and it because worse when Louis grabbed a plastic cup that was next to his bed, and he threw it at Harry as he screamed at him again.

And that was when a nurse, who Harry had never seen before came into the room, and looked at Harry confused.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Louis' boyfriend" Harry replied.

"You're not supposed to be here" the nurses said as she walked up to the bed, and tried to get Louis to calm down.

"Leave!" Louis screamed at Harry, even louder than before.

"Go" the nurse told him very seriously.

And so Harry did, knowing he had fücked up, because the state of Louis, the way he screamed, and the anger coming out of him, none of it was normal, so Harry understood why Louis' grandparents wanted Louis to go to a mental health facility after being discharged.

As he walked away from the room, he saw a doctor go in there, and he heard Louis screaming, so he walked away faster. But as he reached the waiting room, he bumped into Louis' nan, who gave him a confused look, which was to be expected, as far as she knew, Harry had gone home earlier.

"I'm so sorry" Harry told her.

"What...?" Helen started to ask.

But Harry didn't stay to hear the end of her question, because he continued walking, and when he found the staircase, he went down to the first floor and walked out of the hospital.

He suddenly felt so alone, and that's because he was, in less than a week he had lost the two most important people in his life, his son, and now his boyfriend, and he didn't know what to do without him.

He couldn't even remember what his life was like before Louis, because Louis was everything.

Without even thinking what he was doing he started walking home, but he stopped at a liquor store, he bought a bottle of whiskey, and as soon as he got to the flat, he started drinking from it, not even bothering with a glass.

And it was right after a long first drink that he broke down in tears.

How had his life become this?

How?

As tears still rolled down his cheeks, he took another drink of whisky, feeling the burn going down his throat, and he went inside the room where he hadn't dare go in since everything happen, Landon's nursery.

The room had been halfway done, but it still had do much of what was going to be Landon's, that Harry felt as if he was being stabbed in the heart for the millionth time that week.

He took another drink of whisky, leaving the bottle on top of the dresser that he had just put together last week, and he opened the first drawer, and he took out a pair of tiny blue booties.

Those were the booties Louis gave Harry the day he told him they were having a boy, which was also the same day that they chose his name.

Harry picked up the bottle again, and sat down on the floor with the whisky in one hand and the tiny booties in the other.

And that's all he did for at least an hour.

Cry, drink and stare at the booties.

And as fücked up as it was, it helped, because it helped drown the pain, which was exactly what he needed, and he was so grateful for the numbness he left.

When he finally got up from the floor, he was pissed drunk, as he had drank at least a third of the bottle, and he stumbled out of the room to the bathroom, needing to take a wee.

When he came out, he was going to get the bottle again, but he heard the doorbell, and for a second he thought about ignoring it, but then he decided he didn't want to be alone anymore, so he was happy that someone had come.

So he opened the door, finding Niall there.

"Hey" Harry greeted his friend.

"Are you drunk?" Niall asked right away.

Harry nodded.

"Your sister told me you asked to be alone today, but she was worried because you haven't answered her texts all day, and I think she might have been right to be worried" Niall considered.

"I don't need a sermon" Harry said tiredly.

"I'm not giving you one" Niall shrugged, and he walked inside the flat as he took off his jacket "What are we drinking?".

"Whiskey" Harry replied.

"Where's the bottle?" Niall asked looking around.

"Landon's room" Harry replied, and closed the door.

"Why don't you sit here..." Niall said as he gently pushed Harry to the couch "... and I'll get the whiskey and some glasses".

Harry shrugged, and sat down, and Niall walked away and came back a few seconds later with the bottle, which he left on the coffee table, and then went to kitchen, coming back from it with two glasses with ice in it.

"If we're going to drink, we have to drink properly" Niall said as he poured whisky in the glasses, and then offered one to Harry.

Harry took it and mumbled a thank you, and Niall took the other one, and sat next to Harry on the couch.

"What made you decide to drink today in the middle of the day?" Niall questioned.

"I don't think Louis wants to be with me anymore" Harry explained, his speech slurry as he looked at the glass.

"Why do you say that?" Niall wondered.

Harry went on and explained today's events, and to give him context, he had to explain a lot more, and suddenly he found himself telling Niall everything, everything that had ever happened between himself an Louis, since the day they met at that party in London, their weekends together there, their troubles, Louis' problems, his disorder and his insecurities, and even what happened the night that Louis got in the accident.

And even though he was drunk, and it was all basically word vomit, it made him feel better to get all of it out of his chest, because he felt as if it was a lot that he had been keeping to himself for months.

The best part, was that all that Niall did was listen, he just listened and he drank whiskey with him, but he didn't judge or even give his opinion, he only listened, which was what Harry needed.

But the time Harry finished talking, they had drank at least 3 glasses of whiskey on the rocks each, but considering how much Harry had had alone before, at that point he was completely wasted.

And maybe Niall helped him into his bedroom, or maybe he went alone in there, but somehow, he ended up in his bed, under the bed covers.

He only realized that the next morning, when he woke up with a horrible headache, and a dry mouth. Luckily he found a big glass of water on the nightstand, which he drank in big gulps.

It helped a little, but not much, as he still felt like shit, so he laid down on the bed again and groaned as he told himself he was never going to drink again.

He suddenly heard his phone buzzing, and he realized it had been that that had woken him up before, he just hadn't realized. So he reached for his phone, which was on the nightstand, and had even been charging, and he saw Louis' nan's name of the screen, so he picked up.

"Hello?" Harry answered.

"Hi, Harry" Helen greeted him "I tried calling you yesterday a few times, but you never answered".

"I'm sorry, I was just..." Harry trailed off "I'm sorry about everything that happened yesterday, you were right, I shouldn't have gone inside his room, I'm sure you know about that by now.".

"I do, and I won't lie to you, things were really bad after you left his room, and that's why I was calling you" Helen told him.

"Don't worry, I won't do it again, I won't go in to see him unless he wants to see me" Harry promised.

"Harry, things will be different from now" Helen declared "In a few hours, Louis will be transferred to a mental health clinic here in Manchester to help stabilize him mentally, which will probably take a few weeks, and when he's better, he'll be able to go home".

"Do you mean London? You'll take him back there afterwards?" Harry questioned.

"Hopefully by then he will be well enough to decide where home is for him, whether it's in London or here with you" Helen explained.

"Okay..." Harry mumbled.

"I want you to be aware that you won't be able to see him at the clinic, because of the work they do there, visitors are restricted to only a few days a week, and Louis already said that only his grandfather and I can visit, he even left out his mum" Helen explained.

Harry took in a deep breath, and he covered his face with his free hand, feeling like crying all over again.

"Harry?" Helen asked when Harry didn't answered.

"I understand" Harry finally said "But is it too much to ask you to keep me updated? Please? I need to know that he's doing better".

"I'll keep you updated, don't worry, love" Helen assured him.

"Thank you".

———————————
A.N. I know this is all really sad, but I can't just write a happy chapter when none of the characters are feeling happy?

What do you think about Harry in this chapter?

And what about Louis going to a mental health clinic?

Thank you for reading! 💜💜

Xoxo