I silently closed the book, flipping it back to see if there was a name in it or anything that might let me identify the owner.

“Akiho”

Akiho, huh? 

….you're wrong. We are not similar at all Akiho, you are an incredible nice person, even the way you write is sweet, but I in the other side… I am an extremely selfish person.

The fact that even though I just read about my inevitable death, but the only thing I'm scared of is dying before saving everyone proves that.

I'm sorry. Even though you probably wrote this with the best intentions in mind, I don't think I can live.

I can never live for myself.

Never.

I silently walked to the room, entering to see Tanjiro, Zenitsu and Inosuke talking, or better, screaming like always.

They look…so peaceful.

….

"Y/N, are you okay? You look so pale…." Tanjiro says to me with a concerned expression.

"I'm fine."

"But-"

"I'm going to sleep a bit, I really am fine."

I try to walk to my bed, but he grabs my wrist, I jump in surprise with his action.

"Please, tell me what's going on! I'm really worried about you! I've been worrying about you ever since what happened in the train, I understand that we don't know each other long enough for you to trust me, but I really want to help!''

"What do you mean?! Of course, I trust you! I trust you more than I trust myself!"

"So why?! Why don't you talk to me?!"

He let go of my wrist to grab my shoulders instead, I couldn't say anything, I was too shocked by his behavior, he never acted so aggressive with me before.

I put my hand in my shoulder, digging my nails into my skin in frustration.

"Even if I tell you…there's nothing you can do about it."

"What about you? Judging by how you smell, seems like there's also nothing you can do about it!"

"Yeah! You are right! So, what about it?! I don't wanna talk about it! What's wrong with avoiding what you don't like?!"

"Uhh….guys, please don't fight-" Zenitsu tries to step in, but he's interrupted by Tanjiro.

"You are really kind, so I understand that you don't to trouble the people close to you but-"

What he said frustrated me even more, so much that I ended pushing him away from me.

"No! You don't understand at all! I'm a terrible person! I don't like anything about me! Every time someone says that I'm kind, or that I am nice, I just feel worse because I'm not like that at all! I'm terribly selfish!"

The room went silent in shock, it's the first time they ever saw Y/N have an outburst like this.

"I say to myself that what I am doing is for the sake of others, but that's not true! In the end, I'm just thinking about myself! Everyone keeps saying nice things to me, they keep thinking that I am some sort of angel, but that's not me at all! I can't do anything by myself! It doesn't matter what I choose to do, someone always ends up getting hurt in my place! I...I don't even know what I am supposed to do anymore...."

"Y/N…."

"I'm going outside for a bit."

"Wait! I'm so-"

He tries to reach my shoulder once again, but I slapped his hand away from me.

"Don't touch me."

☆

She left the room, the door was harshly shut behind her.

"That's… I never expected you guys to fight…." Zenitsu comments with a shocked expression, Inosuke was standing there without knowing how to react.

"Tanjiro…are you okay?"

"i'msorryi'msosorryi'msorry!"

"Hey….hey! Snap out of it!" Zenitsu exclaims, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him in panic.

"Y/N is probably going through hard times, she's not mad at you, I know that because I heard her sounds. So don't worry."

"…. I know that. It's just- I'm just feeling mad at myself. I overstepped her boundaries and caused her to breakdown like this…."

"It's not anyone's fault okay? Just give some time to her."

'Although I'm not sure if time will be enough in this situation, I can't understand her thoughts because they are in her original language, but…the frequency of her sounds was enough to freak me out. Y/N…what on earth is going on with you?'

☆

'Why..? Why did I say those things? How could I be so mean to him? I'm so terrible-'

'I screamed at him. Why? Why did I do that?'

'My breathing. I can't breathe. I can't! My lungs are closed? I don't know! Breath! Breath! Breath!'

I gasp heavily for air, my hand on my chest, who was hastily going up and down.

'I need to apologize.'

'No, I don't have enough courage to see him now.'

'But I need to fix things!'

'Fix what? He probably hates me now!'

'That's not true!'

'It is true! He probably hated me from the first time he saw me! The only reason why he kept me close was for pity!'

'No! Tanjiro isn't like that!'

'How I am certain? All I know about him was what I read in that manga! I don't know him at all! I kept saying that I was having fun, that I enjoyed spending time with them, but all I did was to indulge myself in an illusion of being part of their history!'

I fall to my knees, gasping even more heavily for air.

"Y/N? What happened? Are you okay?"

'Mitsuri? What she's doing in the butterfly mansion? She doesn't look hurt…'

"You….you need help! Here, I will take you to your room  and-"

"No!" I grab her clothes while crying.

"Please, d-don't call anyone! I c-can't! Please don't do that! I don't want to go back to my room! I don't want anyone to see me like this! P-please…."

'I'm too disgusting to be looked at.'

"I…. I don't know what to do! Y/N, how can I help you?!" Mitsuri says in a panic, her tears falling on me.

"Outside…i…please take me outside…"

"O-okay!" She sniffs, carrying me easily and taking me to the garden. "Is it better now? Is it easier to breathe outside?"

"…. Yeah, I'm feeling better now."

Though, what helped me to calm down was actually her smell. Mitsuri smells like...strawberry. And sugar.

"Do you want me to call Shinobu?"

"No…it's not a problem that she can help with."

"Huh?"

"I mean… I'm not hurt. Physically at least."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"…. Not really. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you can take your time!"

"….thank you."

"… Since you don't want to go back to your room, where are you going to stay tonight? Should I ask the girls to prepare another room?"

"I'm not sure. I think I'll panic again if I go inside the house."

We were in silence for some minutes, the sound of crickets being the only thing audible.

"Oh! I had a nice idea! Why don't you go to my state, then? We can have a pajama party together! I can bake sweets for you too!"

"…it sounds like a wonderful idea."

"Ehehe…. I will talk to Shinobu tomorrow, so don't worry! You will feel better in no time!"

"… Thank you."