[ tw ; self-harm ]

Y/N, you really should go sleep… you can finish Muichiro's gift tomorrow.

'I can't. If I don't occupy my mind with something else, I will freak out again.' Y/N thought, exasperatedly putting everything she had in her hands together. 'I miss phones and Wi-Fi in times like these…'

I don't. They are not good for your health.

'What are you? My mother?'

…??? I can change my gender if that's what you want-

'I was being sarcastic. Just forget it, okay?' She huffed.

....what about Akaza, how do you intend to talk to him?

'I don't know.'

He's going to get in the way of your desired future, are you okay with that?

'Of course I am not-!'

Depending on his response, you might get really hurt-

'I know!'

I don't think you should-

'JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?! I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW, I WILL SOLVE THIS LATER! So please… just let me pretend that everything is fine…' Y/N silently put the materials down, it was starting to become difficult to breathe again.

'Calm down Y/N… calm down… panicking again will not help anyone… I messed up by letting Nezuko and Daki see me like that… I have to control… myself…' She put her hand against her chest, trying to calm down her erratic breathing, she could feel her heart beating furiously through her skin.

'It's not working… It's not working!'  She shook her head. 'I just keep thinking about the worst things that can happen!'

Y/N, I'm getting really worried, you really should get someon-

'I DON'T NEED ANYONE!' She grabbed her head, furiously pulling her hair. 'What if I said something wrong and that's why he left?! What if I end up making someone else leave too?! My mistakes can kill someone now- I need to-'.

Y/N, it's going to be okay, calm down! You're overthinking!

'Stop thinking, shut up, shut up, shut up!' She squeezed her eyes shut, she wanted her head to stop talking, she wanted everything to go silent so she could properly sort out her feelings… 'I need to… I need to…'

Her eyes silently looked down, seeing the silver needle on the floor, the moon shine coming from the window reflected beautifully on it.

Y/N weakly reached her hand out and grabbed it, staring at the shining object with a dazed expression.

Y/N! Don't do anything weird!

'It's fine… I will just… Make this stop…' Her entire body trembled as she raised her hand with the needle. 'I'm just doing this to calm down… so it's fine…'

Y/N, NO!

And then, in a quick motion, she stabbed her thigh with it.

Just like that, with the pain that made it seem like she had a TV static inside her brain, her thoughts finally subsided.

It was eerily quiet now. The pain made her fall on the floor while trembling, and Ether was much too surprised to say anything.

Breath in. Breathe out.

Breath in. Breathe out.

Her breathing was finally back to normal, and her mind wasn't out of control anymore.

....So, why does she just feel worse?

The girl laid on the tatami for some minutes, she wondered if the right reaction for this situation right now was to cry.

But, oh. She didn't feel anything.

Her hand silently reached out to the needle stabbed in her skin, harshly pulling it out with a pained whimper.

She rolled over to lay on her back, staring at the ceiling.

Y/N. Never do that again.

Ether broke the silence.

Y/N closed her eyes, finally starting to tear-up. “...I'm sorry, I messed everything up..” She hiccuped, crying like a child. “I'm so sorry! I just want this to stop, I'm sorry..."

Do… you… not want to do this anymore…?

“…what…?” She sniffed, her cry subsided for a second.

I will always do whatever you wish. When you wished to be able to live a comfortable life, I reincarnated you in a world where technology was advanced and demons were only stories from a book. When you wished to be able to save those people, I brought you back to this painful world, and now, you're stuck in it.

“Stuck is a very mean way of putting it…”

You don't want to leave this world until you save everyone you want, isn't this what it means to be stuck?

“….”

If living is truly too painful for you, and this world is only capable of causing you pain, then I will destroy it.

“…what?”

The people here have no meaning to me, and I will erase everything that hurts you. So if you ever want to give up, I will end all of this for you.

'I thought you couldn't interfere with rational beings, won't you disappear if you kill all of them in one go? You got weakened for months just from healing me a few times, I can't even think about what would happen to you if you did that.'

That isn't relevant. What matters is what you want.

'I want…?..'

Y/N closed her eyes again. 'This world is awful. People are awful. Living is awful.'

So? Your wish is?

She slowly opened her eyes. 'But I can't destroy other people's lives just because I'm in pain. So, I decline your offer.'

I understand. But if you ever change your mind, just tell me.

'Okay.' She weakly sat up while staring down at her thigh, her hand reached out to touch the small cut the needle left behind. “I'm sorry for hurting you.”

Apologizing to herself was probably a weird thing to do, but she truly felt the need to do so.

“Now let's finish what I was doing…”

                            『••✎••』

'She's in pain.'

Tanjiro and Y/N almost always went to Muichiro's state together, so it was easy for him to identify that something was wrong.

He could tell by her smell, but also by the slight frown in between her eyebrows and the way she walked strangely slower than normal.

So, of course, he was apprehensive.

He also slowed his pace to match hers, so they could walk side by side, but he was still wondering whether he should bring it up or not.

“Uh… Y/N, are you hurt?” Tanjiro ended deciding to just ask about it.

“Yeah, I hurt my thigh accidentally yesterday.” There was no point in lying to someone who can smell it, so she just said a half-truth.

“Really?! Can you train like this?”

“It's not that serious, don't worry!” She smiled brightly at him.

“You need to tell me if you can't do it-”

“Don't worry, I will!”

'She is definitely not going to tell me.' He smiled back at her, not letting his inner thoughts out.

'I will need to keep an eye on her, so she doesn't overwork herself too much again…' he sighed.

Tanjiro looked at her with pity. 'She's so kind, even though she's in pain she's doing her best to go to training every day, and is even smiling!'

'Douma will probably appear again today, right? As soon as I see him, I'm going to @!$!$!$@! And then @%!$!#-' Tanjiro would most likely be disappointed if he could hear the real thoughts behind the smile she had.

As soon as they arrived in the state, Y/N ran off, leaving poor Tanjiro alone in the dust.

She looked around everywhere, finally seeing Muichiro angrily staring down at something.

“MUICHIROOOOO!” Y/N tackled him into a hug, jumping up and down excitedly while ignoring the sharp pain in her thigh. “I made you something! Do you want to see-oh." She finally looked down to see that she interrupted him when he was in the middle of scolding someone.

A random male member of the corps was on the floor while trembling in fear and with a huge bump on his forehead.

“….” Muichiro raised his head to look at her, his dark expression changing to a sweet smile in a matter of seconds. “Something for me? Really?”

“Really!" She nodded, side-eyeing the boy on the ground and sneakily giving him a signal with her hand for him to escape, which he obeyed and ran off while crying.

Muichiro was too concentrated on Y/N to notice his victim left.

“So, uh…” She was suddenly feeling shy as she reached out to take out the gift she spent the whole night making. “I kept thinking about what you said, that you were afraid of forgetting important things again, so I made this…”

She handed out to him a very sloppily made notebook. “Uh- It's not the best, and it would probably have been easier if I just bought one instead, I just thought you could write things you think are important and always want to remember there… and… well… Maybe it could help with your fears? Just a bit? Ha… ha…"

Why was she so nervous? What if he doesn't like it?! She admits it's a very ugly-looking notebook, but still-

“I…. love it.”

“Uh- really? That thing?” Even though she was the one who was giving it, she couldn't believe he actually liked it-

“I really like it!” He smiled even brighter at her. “Thanks Y/N! I will be sure to write about you everyday in it!”

“T-thanks??” She flustered responded.

“Sewing is really hard, right?” Muichiro commented at her. “When I tried to fix your haori, it was really awful, I kept pricking my fingers…”

“Yeah… I completely understand that…" She raised her hands to show him the curatives all over them.

Muichiro took her hands while frowning. “You really are too much, are you sure you can train like this?”

“…didn't you make someone train with their arm broken that one time?” Y/N questioned back with a frown.

“Did I?” He tilted his head, feigning innocence.

“… It's just some cuts, I'm fine.” She decided to ignore the blatant favoritism.

Surprisingly, Muichiro ended up liking it so much that he was in a good mood the whole day, so when he was suspiciously nicer to the people, everyone panicked and started making theories about what kind of hellish training method he was planning behind that smile.

It turns out he didn't do anything the entire day, only making everyone more confused.

“You guys had to see it! She appeared like an angel from the sky, and then distracted him so I could escape! I have never seen such a noble sacrifice before!” The boy she helped before ended telling what happened to the others in a much more exaggerated way, maybe he should have been a journalist instead of a demon hunter.

“No way! She talked to him BY CHOICE?!”

“Maybe he was nice to us the whole day because she scolded him?!”

“I heard she beat him on a fight by only using one finger!”

“Oh! I heard it too! And it was in only five seconds!"

When the day ended and she and Tanjiro were going back, Y/N couldn't help but have shivers the entire way, since unbeknownst to the girl her fan club was starting to grow once again.