E D I T E D

lol this is so dramatic it's basically a rant ngl sorry

note Dan's 17 and Phil's 20 :)

iM aLWaYs a sLUt fOr pAsTeL!dAN anD PunK!pHiL LoLzoR

warnings: probably an existensial crisis idk

words: 1513

~Dan's POV~

I sat on top of Phil's roof with him, gazing up at the stars and the sky lost in thought.

"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I whispered.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, they are."

I rolled onto my side to face Phil and wrapped my arms around him, nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck.

"Phil."

"Yeah Dan?"

"Is it weird if I say that I have a sort of." I paused, selecting my words carefully. "Connection with the stars?"

"No. No, it's not weird. But urmm..." He paused and wrapped an arm around my shivering frame, nudging my pink flower crown lightly. "What do you mean by it? How are you connected to the stars?"

"It's more of an emotional connection than a physical one, if you know what I mean?"

I was met with silence and shuffling as Phil moved himself so that my head and upper body were resting on his chest. I took this as a sign to elaborate.

I took a deep breath and began rambling, "The pollution from the earth masks the true beauty of stars, the stars are being masked by the earth. Even though earth has its own stars, you know, city lights and whatnot, I feel like they can't ever compete with natural stars. The universe is such a deep and mysterious place because most of it hasn't even been explored and it's expanding every day.

"To think that stars fly throughout all of it is amazing, all floating together as one to bring light. There must be so fucking many stars to light up earth and all the other planets because really, if you think about it, earth is so fucking small and miniscule compared to the sun, it's practically insignificant. And the sun compared to even bigger planets, we are practically insignificant, irrelevant.

"In a sort of painful sense, we don't matter. Not our thoughts, our lives in this huge, huge space that we call the universe. Stars, however, aren't insignificant. They light up the world when it's at its natural state of blackness and oblivion.

"It's amazing to think that night-time is actually the natural state of the universe. The only reason we have day-time is because Earth just so happens to be facing a huge giant star illuminating it. It's fucking amazing. Stars make up beautiful pictures in the sky for people to marvel at, for people to learn what it could be like outside the boundaries of earth. All across the sky of this miniscule world, stars will always be there. And that's amazing. I do love stars."

I ended, slightly out of breathe and looked up at Phil who was looking up at the sky.

"You must think that I'm a weirdo now, don't you." I mumbled, hiding my face in my hands and curling up slightly.

"Dan. Hey, Danny don't be silly. It was beautiful," he tilted my chin up so that I was forced to look at his clear, blue eyes. He gave me a heart-warming smile.

"What, as beautiful as you?" I giggled and I leant in for a kiss which made him topple over.

"That was my line you dork."

I bumped our noses carefully (so that I don't hit the piece of metal that is impaled in his flesh) and lay back down on the blankets.

I gazed up at the sky. I looked at Phil and his electric blue eyes and eccentric dyed blue hair. I scrunched my eyebrows up.

I sat up quickly causing Phil to follow suit and look at me in a confused matter.

"Phil what the fuck am I really doing with my life."

I heard a quiet sigh and strong arms wrapped around my waist. I stared straight ahead, feeling an existential crisis coming along.

"Phil, I dropped law and I still haven't told my parents. I don't think they'll take long to find out that I'm gay too. They'll probably kick me out. Then where would I go? Phil, I dropped out with nothing planned. What if I end up dying too early. I'm far too young to die!"

We sat in silence as I pondered of something ... terrifying? Because this time there are no lies to hide behind, no safety apart from Phil's caring arms on this night upon his roof.

"Look, Dan. You're my boyfriend and I love you okay? I don't love you like I loved you yesterday, I love you so much more. More than anything in the world. I won't ever let anything happen to you, ever. You can come live with me permanently if worse comes to worse. You're parents still think you're in Uni, I could drive you home to tell them face to face if you want. I know how you feel about phone or skype calls."

I considered. I practically have lived with Phil for 2 weeks now, since I dropped out of Uni. I think talking to them would be a good idea.

"Yeah, that would be good." I leaned up and pecked his lips, nudging his lip ring slightly in the process.

"Okay."

More silence was brought upon us and I thought of all the consequences. What was I afraid of? Pain and loss would probably the answer. Then I thought of death. Plain, dark death.

"I think that dying is a blissful escape, you know, Phil."

"Wh-what?"

"Yeah. A beautiful something after the pain and suffering of life. Why should we suffer? We're all going to die anyway, it's inevitable but people still choose to waste their lives to ruin someone else's. Why? Humans are fucking messed up. But either way, we will suffer and feel pain, we will feel.

"Something bad will happen and you spend a portion of your life regretting it. Then something good that made you happy will happen and you will expect the best out of life. Then all these other emotions swirl in your head to form a hurricane of feelings. This just repeats until you die, really. There is the possibility of pain before death, or blissfulness before death. I mean, of course none of that would matter anyway after you're dead. But that's just it, isn't it? Is it death or pain that we're afraid of? In my opinion, it's pain. It's pain that I'm afraid of. I am afraid of pain. Dying sounds nice."

"Dan?"

I heaved a heavy sigh and slumped backwards into Phil's outstretched arms. "Yeah, Philly?" I placed my hands on his.

"You're not thinking of suicide are you?" He whispered in a tiny, trembling voice.

"No! Never! My life is fine right now, quite beautiful actually. I've got you so that's all that matters, okay? You don't need to worry." I reached backwards and pecked his lips.

"Okay. I just don't want to loose you."

He held me closer and I realised how amazingly terrifying life really is. Life is serious. It's a thing that you need to take care of and love. It's really really important.

"A guy once said 'I go to seek a great perhaps.' I understand the person who wrote this quote and relate on an emotional level. Like, in my perspective, and umm, don't judge, I have a different view and meaning and how it effects me." Phil whispered. "I feel like this on some days, really, mainly because I want to do something with my life. Yes, I am doing something will my life. Going to work, doing work stuff, going on the internet, eating, sleeping, being with you. Just living. But living like an ordinary 20 year old, you know? 

"There's an old saying my late grandma taught me. When you're ten, they call you prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person."

"About three years until I'm ordinary. Man, I can't wait to be ordinary." I mumbled.

"You have time. But I want more than to be ordinary and boring, going through the same cycle every single day. I want to change the world in ways you couldn't ever imagine, Dan. I seek something that probably won't come true, I want to leave a mark on the world. I want the world to remember me as someone. Not just 'that guy who died in a car-crash the other week.' No. I mean like, I want to make an impact. I want to show everyone a sight they've never seen before. I want to mean something to the world. But ... I'm content with just waiting for a while."

"Waiting for what?" I asked as I closed my eyes and melted into Phil's warm embrace, sighing contently because I finally got time to talk about the things bothering me.

"For the future."

lol refe-rin-ces amirite. I suck I hate myself oh my god