When the most people think about London, they probably first think about the Queen, about Buckingham Palace, Big Ben and the red double-decker buses.

But almost no one thinks about the downsides. The shadows of London.

And I live in Brixton with my family one of the most shunned places in London.

"You should get used to this soon, Aayana", my mother said after she sat down at the table next to me.

She cooked dinner wich wasn't really often the case.

"But I don't want to get used to it, mum," I mumbled as I sadly dug into my food.

I was only 11 when I first heard about a boy my brother's age stabbed to death a few streets further.

I had to imagine that it would have been my own brother.

And I was sure that I would not and could not get used to it.

"When is Dad coming home today?", I asked her a while later.

"He said to me that he would be late. He has to work overtime," she answered me as she washed our plates.

My family consists of four people. There is my father, Tayo, who is almost always working to keep this family afloat. Then there is my mother, Emiola, who is actually always at home because no matter how many times she tries, she can't get a job. And then there is my brother Reiss, who was also almost never at home.

Together we lived in a small house in the middle of Brixton.

When my father came home from work at night, I was usually already asleep and then I usually woke up to our parents having a terrible fight.

This went on almost every night until suddenly there were no more fights and I no longer woke up at night.

At first I thought that they finally loved each other again and that they just stopped fighting, but when I stayed up extra late at the weekend to see my father again, I waited all night, but he never came.

During the week I never really saw him because he would come home when I was already asleep and then leave when I was still asleep.

"Mum? What about Dad? Why doesn't he come home anymore?" I asked her sleepily the next morning.

"You know he has to work a lot. He left early again today," she lied to me.

"I know you're lying, Mum. I was awake all night. He never came home," I said.

She smiled kindly at me once, but her eyes did not reflect this joy. There was only sadness and pain.

That was the last time I saw her smile for a very, very long time.

She told me that he left because he got a job. But very far away, in the US.

I broke down and couldn't get out of my room for three days. For me, my dad was always a hero. I was always sure that he would protect me from all the evil that was happening around me.

"Aayana come open the door," I heard Reiss call from the other side of the door.

I had then decided to open it and in front of the door stood Reiss, behind him his best friend Jadon.

"Why are you home already?", I asked him in a low voice.

"Mum called me and said you weren't feeling so well. I was on my way to training with Jadon, but then I wanted to check on you," he said and I nodded understanding.

At that time, my brother was 14 and Jadon was 13. They are both footballers and played for the same club at that time.

They have known each other since they were 5. They met for the first time outside on the street playing football and since then they have been inseparable.

The years went by and I turned 15. We moved across London 3 times during that time because everything became too expensive over time.

And then we came back to Brixton. Not back to our little house, but to a mini flat.

Jadon and Reiss were still playing together at that time. They were often in our flat and they have also spent a lot of time with me.

"Mum?" asked Reiss when he had just come home with Jadon.

He sat down at the dining table with her and then he sent me to my room. I shouldn't hear what they were saying.

A few minutes later, Jadon came into my room and sat next to me on the bed. He is like another big brother to me.

"I suppose you know what they're talking about?" I asked him, looking at him expectantly.

"Yes," he nodded.

"And you won't tell me?", I asked again, hoping he would tell me.

But of course he didn't. I found out a little later what it was about anyway.

In summary: Reiss got an offer for a new club in another country, but he had a guilty conscience about leaving us here alone.

But he did it anyway, after Jadon promised him to look after us sometimes.

So Reiss left us too and it was just my mother and me left.

It wasn't a problem at first, until my mother came into contact with drugs.

At the beginning it wasn't so bad. She only took drugs when she missed Dad and Reiss too much.

But then it became more and more until I didn't even know any more what she was like when she wasn't under the influence of drugs.

I also made a few friends there. No one judged me for what was going on at home, because it was exactly the same at their place and even worse.

Over time, they got me involved in their drug business. I first hid a few things for them and passed them on. Then, when they knew they could trust me, it became more and more.

By the time I was 16, I was hardly ever at home so I wouldn't run into my mother again.

"Aayana!", Jadon once called me through the park.

He was wearing black clothes and a scarf over his face so he wouldn't be recognised.

It was just getting dark, so you couldn't see much anyway.

"Who is that?" one of my friends asked me, pointing in Jadon's direction.

"Oh, he's just an old friend of my brother's," I replied, looking in his direction too.

Luckily, Jadon was smart enough to stop about 30 metres in front of us.

"I'll just go and ask what he wants," I said to them and then walked over to him.

"What are you doing here?", I asked him a bit nervously, knowing that the other 5 boys were all watching us.

"I'd better ask you that," he replied and looked past me in the direction of my friends.

"I was just at your house. Your mother says you haven't been home for days."

"You went to my mother's?" I asked him, shocked. Actually, I didn't want him to know about this whole thing.

"Yeah, I was and you don't have to be so shocked. I've had a suspicion for a while that your mum was using drugs," he said and looked at me.

"Oh," was the only word I could get out.

"And I know what you do too. I saw the things in your room," he said again.

This time I couldn't make a sound.

"You have to stop doing that. Really. It really won't end well for you otherwise," he tried to explain.

But I already knew all that. I just didn't know how to stop the whole thing, so I just kept going.

It's just like when you tell yourself that you're going to start something and then you keep putting it off and not doing it.

In my case it was exactly the same but the other way around.

Then Jadon also changed clubs and went to Germany.

So there was no one standing in my way.

Until my mother somehow found out about the whole thing and sent me to my father in the US.

That was the biggest mistake.

I only argued with my father, which got me so down that I went back to the wrong people.

This time, however, I didn't deal the drugs, but used them myself.

The whole thing went on for about 2 years until I was 18 and then my father sent me back home to England.

My mother wasn't really happy about me being back.

I then saw all my old friends again and kept doing it, which I never really stopped doing.

But then I got caught. By the police.

I got two years.

Those were the worst two years of my life and I decided that I never wanted to go back to prison. Really never.

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Hey

So I've started this new story here and I hope you'll like it <3