I felt like a freight train had run through my brain, backed up, then ran back through again.

I don't know if anything felt more horrible than the hangover I had. It took me almost twenty minutes to just physically get out of bed because I felt like I was either going to throw up or fall over from being so dizzy and disoriented.

I somehow made my way into the kitchen by following the faint smell of bacon. Derek was flipping pancakes while drinking a cup of coffee; I silently made my way to the worn Mr. Coffee coffee pot and poured myself a glass.

Derek bit back an 'I told you so,' smile and let me mix my cream and sugar into my morning go-go juice, which I was more than thankful for. The coffee tasted like heaven; like it was trying to help my body forget about all the whiskey that I had drunk the night before.

"So," Derek said slowly while turning the bacon over in the cast iron skillet sitting over the worn white stovetop. "How's the hangover?"

"I feel like Levi's wolf ate my brain, regurgitated it, and tried to stick it back into my head," I groaned.

Derek quickly reached into a cabinet and tossed me a Sam's size bottle of Ibuprofen. I quickly uncapped it, poured out three tiny red pills, then tossed them back.

"Thanks," I said before chasing the pills with more coffee.

"No problem Char, hope you like pancakes?"

I smiled as I passed him to sit on a barstool on the other side of the counter. "I love pancakes."

Pancakes were my favorite. My absolute favorite. My father used to make pancakes every Sunday. We would have bacon, eggs, and pancakes. He always made the best shapes too, one of my personal favorites was a puppy that he somehow created after burning three or four 'trials.'

"Where's Levi?" I looked around while taking another sip of the steaming liquid. He was usually into his third cup and buried into his morning paper by now.

Derek chuckled as he flipped a hot cake in his skillet. "I think Levi may have finally learned that he is not the master of the whiskey bottle."

I cringed a bit. The word 'whiskey' made me literally want to puke my guts out.

"What do you like on your's Char?"

"Just butter and syrup," I answered quickly.

He nodded and placed a few for me along with some bacon on a plate then set them on the counter in front of me. The butter was melting quickly onto the wolf-shaped cakes; I smiled inwardly as Derek handed me the syrup bottle.

"These look great," I said while popping open the syrup lid. "Thank you."

"Course," Derek said cheerfully. He plated a few for himself then moved to the barstool next to me. "So, you think you're ready for tomorrow?"

I sighed while I started to cut into my thick and fluffy pancakes. Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night would be the full moon; the night that would decide my fate.

I didn't really know if I was ready. I mean, how could anyone be ready for something like it? I knew I had gotten stronger in so many ways, yet in so many ways I still felt weak. I still felt like a scared little girl who just wanted to hide underneath the covers and pretend that all of this was a bad nightmare.

"I guess I don't really have a choice now."

I bit into the pancakes and almost let out a semi-orgasmic moan. I was convinced at this point in my life, that all food, well the majority of foods, always tasted one hundred times better when you were hungover and hungry. At this moment, these pancakes tasted like they were blessed by heaven and cooked in magic.

"You're afraid."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. It was a statement that was so utterly true. "How can I not be? I may very well die."

"You may live," Derek added.

"Even that in itself is scary," I almost whispered before taking another bite.

"How's that?" Derek looked at me with an inquisitive brow.

"What the hell will I do if I live? I mean, it's not like I can ever be a normal person if I live. I could go try to live up in the mountains for a while, but I have a feeling that I would hate that; it would be too lonely."

"Well for starters you will be staying here with us–"

"Derek, I don't want to take advantage of you two. You've already done so much for me."

Derek just rolled his eyes and stabbed at his plate full of fluffy pancakes. "It's not a question Charlotte. You'll need mine and Levi's help to adjust after the shift. That, and, well I quite like having you around as our third roommate."

"You guys don't have to," I mumbled before taking another bite.

"No, but we want to. I want to. I know in his own way, Levi does too, but you know how he is."

I laughed through my full mouth and nodded. I didn't think that Levi hated me or even really disliked me. I think we had grown on each other in our own weird way, and in a way, I couldn't imagine doing any of this without him.

"I just, I don't know. I haven't been on my own for so long, made my own decisions had control over my own life. It's sick saying that the thought frightens me, I mean I want my life back, but it does frighten me."

"I understand, the world can be a crazy place, especially when you learn that the monsters are all real."

I chuckled and nodded into my coffee as I took a sip of it. "Yes and quite good at making pancakes."

Derek chuckled and gave me a wink. "You've done good Char. I know it's hard, but you have us, we're going to help you whether you want us to or not. That and, well you're much stronger and more capable than you give yourself credit for."

I sighed and tried to let the words sink in. It had been so long since I actually had to prove myself, not just to others but to myself as well. "What will become of me? If I live?"

"You will live little one," Derek replied quickly. He turned to face me on the bar stool with a thoughtful glance. He was thinking about something. He was always thinking about something. "Well, I guess the question is, what do you want? What do you want to do Charlotte?"

It took me by surprise. It had been so long since someone actually asked me what it was that I really wanted, that I myself hardly knew what that even was.

What did I want?

Did I want to run off to the mountains? Move across the sea and find a foreign city to get lost in? Get married and raise babies with a new partner? I didn't know. I had no friggin clue.

I sighed while staring into my cup. I could feel Derek's eyes on me, knowingly, watching me think through the weighty question. "I don't really know, but I do know that I just want to be free to make my own choices and I want to be happy. I just want to be somewhere where I can be happy and not afraid to live my life. Also if that place had a cook as good as you, well, that would be a plus."

Derek's smile widened a bit. "You don't have to know little one. It's ok not to know. Hell, I've had so many different life paths in my time and still, some days I have no idea what to do next. But–" he paused to take another sip of coffee. "I think what you just said, well I think that is a very good start. Besides, right after your shift, you're going to be staying with us like I said you're going to need our help."

"What then? I mean what do you think?"

He mused for a second before biting into a crispy piece of bacon. "Well, I mean you could do whatever you want. There's no rule that says just because you're a werewolf that you have to do x, y, or z. You may want to get to know some more of your kind outside of Levi, travel around some packs and see if that life suits you. Who knows, maybe you'll find a mate or a pack you really enjoy? Either way, I would at least consider that. If you don't like it, then you don't have to stay, you could go on and try something else until you find what suits you."

I nodded and took another bite of my pancake. I felt warm. My beast was content, almost like she was wagging her tail in the back of my mind. We both loved that Derek was letting us make this choice, on our own, without pressure. It was a choice that we had to make.

"How is she today?" Derek asked in reference to the wolf stirring inside me. He asked every day as I grew stronger, as she grew stronger.

"She's quiet right now, but good. She's so much more, how do I say it? Vivid than she was before. She's close, I can feel her moving through my veins."

"You just have to hold on until tomorrow, keep reminding her of that."

The beast felt like it was groaning. She didn't like waiting and in a way, I understood. She had been locked up in my body for a while now and needed to be let out. But we had to wait. Just one more day.

"I am. She doesn't like it, but she understands a little more than she did before. Besides, she's waited this long, what's one more day?"

Derek nodded in agreement as Levi strolled out.

He looked tired and had a pace that said that he woke up on the really wrong side of the bed this morning.

"Morning," Derek said in a sing-song voice.

Levi just grumbled before pouring himself a cup of black coffee and sucking it down. I made eyes with Derek who was more than enjoying the sight of a hungover Levi.

"Come on girl, time to go swimming," he called while stepping outside.

Derek smiled and quickly walked to get the pre-packed cooler and handed it to me. I swallowed down one last bite of my pancake and waved goodbye before trotting after Levi.

He was quiet this morning. I wanted to talk to him but I had the feeling that it would be best to leave him to himself for a while. The conversation of last night had to have had an effect on him, and for that, I felt guilty.

My beast whimpered and ached for him. The thought of his loss made her want to tuck her tail and curl up in a corner.

I couldn't blame her. Losing my own parents was hard enough, but I couldn't imagine his loss. It explained so much, yet it didn't explain how he wasn't a crazy rogue. He was a cranky bastard but he wasn't out of his mind, it seemed completely opposite of what I was told would happen.

I thought about it some more as I swam but couldn't get to a solution. I let it go and tried to focus on my swimming. The water was cool, refreshing, and still this morning–almost like glass.

She loved swimming. She was giddy as I paddled down the creek with the tiny boat filled with Levi, the small cooler, and a big ass pile of firewood.

The weight behind me wasn't bad, it more annoying than anything. Levi wasn't going easy on me, but he certainly wasn't pushing me like he had on our other swims. Maybe he was letting me have a little break before tomorrow? He did say it was going to take every ounce of energy in my body.

We quickly reached the big tree with initials carved all into it. Almost routinely I walked to it and let my fingers glide over the carvings, finding the familiar marks that spelled out 'L.A.T.'.

Levi sat and wordlessly started to unpack the cooler. Leftover pasta and breadsticks were packed into it along with an abundance of bottled water and beer. Levi picked up a tub of pasta and grabbed a beer for himself, popping the top open and taking a long drink.

He looked over at me as I picked at my pasta. Toying with is as my mind toyed with the million thoughts of the upcoming night.

"You nervous girl?"

I met his cool silver eyes. It always amazed me that he was able to read me like a book, and always annoyed me. "Yes."

"Good," he answered shortly. "That's a good thing, means you understand the situation, know what's at stake."

I sighed and nodded. The thought of all that pain terrified me, but what terrified me more was dying. I wasn't ready to die. Not yet.

"What do you think? Honestly?"

"Honestly?" he asked flatly with a hint of disbelief.

I nodded and he took another sip of his beer before looking back at the tree. The sun was poking through the leaves and starting to cast tiny rays at the base of it. It looked magical, like a home where fairies would dwell.

"Well on one hand, because I've seen it, the shift for humans has killed more than it has changed them. It's not going to be very pretty, it's going to hurt like nothing you could ever imagine. Derek and I already got plenty of supplies for you–"

"Supplies?" I curiously interjected.

He nodded. "Shots of adrenaline, fluids, and some other thing from a doctor friend of Derek's. You'll need it. All of it. I don't say that because you're weak, I say that from experience."

I sighed and toyed with my pasta some more. "So you think I'll die?"

"I didn't say that," he mused. "Like I said, there's a good chance you will. It's a long painful process that has taken the lives of plenty of strong men and women alike. But, well, I don't know about you Charlie girl."

He rubbed his palms over his tired eyes and took another sip of his beer. Beer. The thought of alcohol made me want to puke right then and there. "I just got a feeling."

"A feeling?"

He shrugged. "Yup. Can't really explain it, and I wouldn't make too much of it if I were you."

I leaned back a little frustrated. On one hand, Derek didn't think that I would die, while on the other hand, Levi seemed to continually give me answers that barely danced in the middle.

"Charlotte," Levi said more softly. His face softened a bit as he looked back over at me. "If it counts for anything, as much as you drive me crazy and are a royal pain in my ass, I would probably be a little sad if you left us. Derek has taken a real fondness towards you, and I do like our swims."

I almost felt tears pool. It wasn't a full-on "I care about you'" but in Levi language it was. I took a long breath and tried to push the tears back; I didn't want to get sappy in front of Levi.

"True, who would pull your lazy ass around?" I tried to joke, my heart still was still a bit recovering from his previous statement and I was quickly trying to divert the attention away from my emotional state.

He rolled his eyes and ate one some pasta. Leaving me to my thoughts as silence encompassed us with only the sound of the warm breeze rustling the trees breaking it.

Before we left I went back to the tree. I wasn't sure if I would ever see it again and for some reason, the thought made me incredibly sad. I let my fingers run over the grooves once more, tracing the lines and memorizing them.

"Levi Alexander Thorne."

"What?" I looked back at him.

He had a ghost smile on his lips as he was looking at the place where my fingers were. They rested on the initials I always came back to, 'L.A.T.'.

I sucked in sharp breath upon realization. These were his initials. His initials that he carved when he took over the pack. I felt a pang in my heart. It may be the last time I saw those initials, but at least I finally understood what they meant.

I turned back to Levi and started to head towards the boat. The water was cool, sending chills up my legs, as I stepped in. Levi loaded the cooler up while I tied the rope around my waist.

"You know," he said while pushing the boat out before he climbed in. "My father used to do this with me, make me swim."

"Really?" I asked while wading towards the front of the boat.

"Mhmm," he replied while taking a sip of his beer. "Used to piss me the hell off too, shit, I got so mad at him."

"I know the feeling," I grumbled.

Levi chuckled as I pushed the boat forward a bit. "Like I said, I do enjoy these swims of ours Charlie girl."

I sighed and pushed off the bottom of the creek and started paddling. "Me too."

Levi and I went on a long ass run after our swim, then he had me do chores around the house before chopping firewood while Derek prepared dinner.

Derek had a feast that even with my new appetite, I wasn't sure if we could finish. He a huge pan of lasagna, more of my favorite garlic bread, Caesar salad, meatballs, Caprese salad, smoked muscles, and angel hair pasta with vodka red sauce.

"Holy shit," I whispered out at the sight. My hair was still wet from my shower that I took a little extra time in. I figured it wouldn't matter today of all days.

"I hope you both are hungry," Derek said quickly while uncorking a bottle of 'the really good red wine that we will not tell Levi we opened.'

"I am but I think you'll have to roll me out of here after this," I said while I started to set the silverware out.

He laughed and put the wine glasses down then the bottle of red in the middle. Levi walked out, grumpy as usual, in gray sweatpants and a long sleeve red flannel shirt.

"Girl, how many times do I have to tell you to not use all the damn hot water?"

I shrugged and gave him an innocent smile. "Whoops?"

He rolled his eyes and poured himself a fat glass of wine before looking at all the food on the table. "Holy hell Derek, you trying to fatten us up so you can eat us?"

"No, I just–" Derek looked at Levi then to me nervously. I knew why he did it. It could be my last dinner with them, and he wanted to make it special. However, the whole notion of that was depressing, frightening, and completely annoying the beast inside me. She wanted to snap everytime someone spoke of us as if we were about to expire.

"It's ok Derek." I touched his arm and gave it a light squeeze.

He pulled me into a hug and sighed. "Sorry, Char."

"Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry for."

"Christ, are ya done having your Hallmark card moment? I'm damn hungry."

Derek shot Levi a scowl and I bit back a laugh. I would miss that man's cranky ways.

I poured myself a glass of wine while Derek plated me a large portion of lasagna. After, I grabbed a few pieces of garlic bread and also some caesar salad.

It was so good, as it always was. I didn't realize that I could eat so much, yet I couldn't stop myself. Surprisingly we all devoured the meal like locusts on crops. I was picking at a muscle that was dripping with the white wine and butter that it had been cooked in.

"So how does it start Levi? How will I know it's happening?"

Levi tossed his empty muscle in our 'trash' bowl on the table and dug out another muscle from the black pot sitting on top of old potholders. He sighed and looked at Derek, reluctantly if I may add. "It starts as a fever."

"A fever?"

"Mhmm," he said while popping the meat of the muscle into his mouth then tossing the shell into the trash bowl. He picked out a couple from the pot and put them on his plate then started to dig the meat out of them with his fork. "You'll get hot. Real hot. You're going to feel like you're burning up."

"Then?"

"Well, it's up to your wolf. I can't say what will come first, the tail or the head, that's all up to her and you."

"So what do we do tomorrow? I mean, what should I do?"

Levi swallowed down muscle then chased it with some wine. He didn't look concerned and I wasn't sure if that gave me confidence or terrified me, but I was more inclined to believe the latter.

"Well the full moon is highest at midnight, so you won't feel anything in the morning and probably the afternoon. It could be different, but usually, around the evening or late evening, you'll get the fever."

"Then? I mean do we have a plan?"

Derek nodded into his napkin as he wiped his mouth. "Before we'll set up an area for you with some blankets. You'll have to strip down, your clothes are going to tear during the shift and besides, you won't want them on especially with the fever. After that, Levi and I will do our best to get you through it."

I sighed and muted on another piece of muscle meat, the last piece; I was so full I was sure that I would pop at any minute.

There wasn't much to do but wait at this point. I finished my dinner and went to bed early that night at Levi's request, he said I would need all the rest I could get and I wasn't about to argue with that, considering what I was up against.

My dreams consisted of many things that night. Wolves of various colors, my husband chasing me, Levi and Derek, and the grass in front of the house. The place I would either live or die.

It was a funny thing waking up on that morning. On mornings like it. You know that the day will forever change your life, that nothing will be the same, and it's just the beginning. It's just a waiting game until the event.

Derek had made me my favorite, pancakes that morning for breakfast again; I happily ate extra upon his prompting. He said I would need all the strength I could get and I would be happy for eating so much later.

Later.

I couldn't help but feel like a ticking time bomb. I knew Levi and Derek were trying to keep me calm, but every time they looked at me, I felt like they were waiting for me to explode.

Levi helped me take my mind off things. We went for a very long run that morning after breakfast then we went for a very long swim. I was properly tired out and tired of dealing with my beast. She was anxious. Giddy. She was stirring in my brain to the point that it was starting to give me a headache.

I took a nap after lunch. A long ass nap. I hadn't taken a nap in years and I slept like a damn baby in my perfectly dark and cold room.

I probably would have slept until the evening if it were not for my damn wolf. The beast was restless. Scratching and scratching and scratching at the back of my mind. It was mid-afternoon when I woke up, a perfect time to go chop some wood according to Levi.

For once I didn't hate chopping it. I felt like I was saying goodbye; It was almost hard not to cry. I had to be strong. My fate was not sealed, not yet.

My beast agreed.

She wanted out, but she wasn't ready to leave this world yet either.

I kept trying to talk with her. Levi said for me to just try and concentrate, see if I could reach out. I had to bond with her as well as ensure she knew who was in charge here.

We got better. She got better at listening and I was better at taking control.

I had to keep her as calm as I could, reason with her. She had to understand that I was only human and she had to be careful with me. If not, it could cost us both our lives.

Derek made dinner a light dinner. He made grilled salmon, some salad, and wild rice. He didn't want something too heavy on my stomach in case I got nauseous. I was already nauseous. As the minutes ticked away I felt more and more sick with dread and anticipation.

I could barely eat dinner, I forced myself to because I knew I needed to.

It didn't help, though. It sat on my stomach and churned like my volatile emotions. I ended up puking being Derek's rose bushes anyways.

My beast tried to help me calm down. She didn't want to die and I knew she would fight to save us. She was strong. God, she was so strong. Derek and Levi were both perplexed by how strong she already was, even though Levi had not openly admitted it, unlike Derek. She was just amused at the two. Half the time I could feel her smile coyly in the back of my brain when they would speak of her, at how she's more resonant than they would have expected.

It was incestuous, this shift.

At first, I was just warm. I was sitting outside at dusk with Levi. I had just finished taking a hot shower and was letting my hair air dry outside on the porch. I was still warm from the shower, so I thought nothing of it.

Levi was telling me funny stories about Derek while Derek filled a few small coolers up with ice and water. He moved them to a place in the middle of the finely mowed yard, that I had to mow earlier that week, where blankets were set up.

They had laid blankets out across the grass and folded some next to the pallet he had made up. There were coolers; large and small with supplies like ice, water, medicine, medical supplies, and plenty of towels.

I sighed and thought nothing of it as I continued to laugh at Levi's stories. Derek was horribly embarrassed and I think that the sight of his bright red cheeks was more hysterical than the stories that caused them.

The fever heated up.

I started sweating a bit. It was later, close to nine-thirty at night. I had been drinking tons of water at Levi's demand, apparently 'hydration was key,' and just come back from what felt like my hundredth bathroom trip.

Levi looked at me for a brief moment but said nothing at first. I was hot, but not miserable, not yet.

It heated some more.

I felt like I had been running. I should have been running for how hot I felt. Both Levi and Derek looked at me warily with a look that said 'it's time.'

Levi sighed and stood quickly, chunking his beer in the trash before walking towards the blankets.

"Start stripping Charlie girl, I'll turn around for ya and Derek will take your clothes."

I nodded and let out a nervous breath. My beast was trying to stay calm but she was anxious, as was I.

Derek flipped on the porch lights and kicked on some taller outside lamps that he had set up around the area. He walked to me as I started to peel my clothes off of my hot body. Levi was right, they were uncomfortable at this temperature and I wanted to be rid of them.

Derek folded them then set them aside while I slipped out of my underwear. I didn't even have time to be embarrassed, Derek wrapped a thin navy sheet around me, hugging me deeply in the process. He kissed the top of my head and nodded to me, like a father silently telling his child that he believes in them.

I sat down and clung to the sheet. Levi pulled out his favorite plastic chair and settled down in it with a beer. He offered me one but I said no, I would have thrown the damn thing up.

It heated some more and now I was uncomfortable.

I was starting to drip sweat. I wanted to get rid of the sheet but I wasn't too comfortable with being in the nude in front of the men, mainly Levi since Derek was clearly not interested in the female body.

Derek rushed over to me with a wet rag and started to wipe away the sweat while Levi just stared at me cautiously. A look of fear, anxiety, and dread were all hidden behind the tight-lipped facade he had put up.

I heated some more.

Derek had gotten a few rags and wrapped ice in them and set them alongside my body. He continued to wipe my face and whisper kind words to me, which helped a bit, but it did not help this unbearable heat.

He ran out of rags and had to run back in the house, just in time for my body to heat again.

I was panting now. I was panting hard and trying to control my beast that I didn't even notice Levi sit next to me and start to wipe the sweat off my face. I looked back at him and gave him a small smile.

He sighed and picked up a small bucket of water and dumped it over me. Usually, I would have been pissed, but it felt amazing.

"Thanks," I croaked out.

"Course girl."

"This sucks," I said through my labored breath.

I heated up again and this time, it felt like my blood was about to boil.

Derek put more ice around me and Levi dumped another bucket of water on me. He started to peel the sheet off and I tried to protest, but he didn't listen.

"Girl, believe me when I say that I ain't interested in your tiny ass. Shouldn't worry about your skin when it's about to become fur anyways."

I breathily laughed while he wiped more sweat off of my brow. He was kind of holding me now; my head was rested on his thigh so he could easily keep wiping the sweat off. He tried to move but I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. My beast wanted him near her. He made both of us feel better, feel safe.

"I'm going to go get more ice," Derek rushed out before grabbing two coolers and darting back into the house.

I heated up again and this time, I was borderline on tears. Levi was rocking me back and forth, pushing my hair out of my face and wiping the cloth along my neck.

"You know girl, I lied to you."

"What?" I barely was able to croak out. I felt like I was about to be boiled alive. I was so hot, like I trapped was in an oven that was heating up to the same temperature as hell.

He looked down at me and for the first time he looked vulnerable His silver eyes looked sad and afraid yet there were hints of determination there.

"Remember back by the tree, when I said I wasn't sure if you were gonna make it?"

I nodded as best I could. I remembered it well.

"I lied. I lied cause I didn't want to get your hopes up, but Charlie girl, I have never seen a more stubborn little shit like you. Your wolf is strong, girl. You need to listen to her and work with her. You can do this, and you have to. I mean if you don't, who's gonna chop my damn firewood?"

I almost cried between my laughs. I wanted to live. I wanted to live so bad and I would be damned if this damn shift was going to take my life.

My wolf stirred and agreed. She understood that we had to be on the same team, work together and trust each other.

"Thank you, Levi," I whispered.

He wiped my brow again and opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by my screaming.

My arm felt like it had broken in half and had morphed into the most disgusting disfigured position.

I was shifting.

It had begun.