"honey. you've been cooped up all day. why don't go outside some, yeah?"
my mother smiled,
her weight sinking the small corner of my bed.
i groaned before rolling over to face her,
"i don't wanna go."
"okay. well. if your father comes home-"
"yeah i know. just ignore you two."
i brushed off,
returning back to my previous position.
my eyes were heavy with the need for sleep,
but i knew that no matter how hard i tried,
i'd never be able to fall asleep
my mind was busy with thoughts and 'what if's'.
i suddenly began to feel angry at the life i created.
i allowed a worthless image and my own frustrations with life steer me clear of the best friendship,
and the purest love i had ever had the luck of experiencing.
only now,
it was nothing but a memory.
and in knowing this,
that it'd never be like that again,
my frustrations heightened.
i had no reason to be angry,
yet here i laid with the fumes boiling my blood.
"how could you?!"
i yelled at my myself,
soon grabbing the leather diary from underneath my bed.
"november 30th.
today was godawful. stanley and i got into it pretty bad. this would've been the first time we've talked since middle school. and we argued. i feel horrible. and i wish i could just erase everything i'd ever done. i would've never met eric, never became friends with jess, and i would've never ever left stan behind. i'm an idiot, and that's it. stan's right. i'm a bitch! the only thing that hurts worse than that is knowing my love for stanley uris will never be reciprocated. and i only have myself to blame."
the led of my pencil broke beneath my heavy writing,
and i was forced back to reality where my mother and father could be heard arguing downstairs.
though they tried to keep it muffled and quiet,
it always ended in screams and broken glass.
i was miserable being in such a house.
i hurried to tuck the diary under the bed so i could find another form of comfort in my covers.
and there i began,
praying it would end.
***
"everything okay?"
i asked,
a teary eyed mother sitting back on the edge of my bed.
"yes, love. just a bad day for him."
she weakly smiled to give me a false sense of hope.
"well, get some sleep."
she wished me a goodnight then got up to close the door behind her.
but sleep wasn't an option tonight.
hearing the two parents you love and look up to argue nonstop was nothing short of exhausting.
"shut up!"
i groaned aloud,
soon suffocating my face into my pillow.
and there i screamed into it,
letting my frustrations melt out.
i screamed until my lungs were desperate for air,
and my throat was raw with ache.
i couldn't accept the fact i wasn't stanley's version of y/n anymore.
he resented me,
and it made my core tighten with regret for everything i had done.
"i miss you, stanley."