~~~~~

When Kevin woke up the air around him was airy and cold. He looked around, breathing slowly and contently. It was obvious he was on Jamie's couch, the stacks of books around him made him slowly fade back to reality. Jamie's house was a safe space. Last night he walked Jamie back home when his breathing slowed and he seemed to be in a better place. He insisted that Kevin didn't need to stay with him all night again. Of course it was only noon and Kevin stayed with Jamie until he fell asleep. The boy deserved to sleep more, he seemed exhausted from just thinking. So when night did come Kevin severely regretted sleeping, dreams come when you sleep. With a mind like Kevin's there is almost no way to escape from night terrors. It was like dying all again. He was used to them at this point, that didn't make them any less threatening.

It started off with images of his father beating him and his mother laughing. Sometimes demons who pushed into his mind with their nails and teeth, eroding him. These nightmares were products of the pressure on his head all the time. The leering painful pressure that the world forced into him. Like streams forcing their way though each crack and crevice of his mind. Dreams now were more creepy and long, like a disturbing movie you were forced to watch. He would rather have stayed up with Jamie asleep all night than see another choking dream. He knew for the rest of the day he would be experiencing that sickening gut feeling. It didn't matter what he wanted.

He stood up and looked at the time on his phone. 7:55 am, perfect. He walked into Jamie's room where he found the other male sitting up and placing a letter inside an envelope.

"Hey" He breathed out knocking slightly on the door frame. Jamie yelped and quickly hid the card in his blanket. Kevin quirked an eyebrow towards him but decided against asking about it because of the obvious blush Jamie was trying to hide. "It's about eight, do you have work today or are you taking the day off?"

Jamie quickly leaped out of bed, which was weird because he seemed to have been up for a while. And he was already prepared for the day in his work uniform. Today was full of surprises. He walked up to Kevin and hugged him, which made step back slightly and then give in.
They exchanged no words that morning , Jamie didn't seem to be in the mood to talk. But, he was very touchy. And seemed to need to hold on to something. He was constantly hugging Kevin and lightly touching  him, seeming slightly needy to an extent Kevin was glad for. And eventually Jamie did leave, but he said nothing and didn't tell Kevin to leave. But out of sheer good nature he decided to follow Jamie out the door. 

Now, he didn't attempt to follow Jamie all the way to his work. That would be a little stalker-ish wouldn't it. He also could not be in Beach City for that amount of time. The people there were just horrendously fake and pathetic. Dealing with them just wasn't on his bucket list. 

Then again, he also didn't want to go home. He risked coming home to his parents who were probably still on a business trip. They left about a week or two ago, and would probably have stayed for three more if they could. Home also risked being alone for so long.

Alone.

By himself, a slave to his thoughts. People could at least let him ignore his rash outbursts and quick changes in emotion. Sometimes they were the cause of them, but people like Jamie who were soft and understanding, or who he could understand, were more calming than alarming. 

Yeah it sounds like he has mood swings, like some teen with hormones. But this was something different, something no one took seriously or understood very well. He supposed this was what caused him to enjoy understanding things, knowing them as well. Because it was just who he could be underneath all that facade most people put on. A face even he can't avoid. 

In the end he decided to set up a spot for himself on the beach. Far away from the creepy lady with tons of arms. He wouldn't admit this, but it kinda freaked him out. 

In the end, he found himself lying on the beach with no purpose to be quite boring. But he had no where else to go really. Nothing to do or say or wonder. Because really all he could think about was yesterday and how fragile Jamie could be. In his eyes Jamie was strong for living this long, but with tremendous anxiety comes a lot of pain. Not everyone can deal with this kind of pain. And the way he acted that morning, it could be his personality or some sort of aftermath. However, he doubted the latter. The people he knew with this kind of anxiety were used to turning cold afterwards, typically closed off or seemed to want nothing but alone time. Who the hell was Jamie anyway? Did Kevin even know who he was talking to or dealing with? They really only had known each other for a few weeks, and hell Jamie had more of an influence on him then anyone he's known for years. He felt like they knew each other for so much longer. It could be his experience with others, more lost people. People who didn't know everyone and everything. Kevin just needed to keep trying to be more... likable. Which, mind you, isn't really his thing. Actually, he despised the idea of staying in "town" and making friends with these people. He could deal with life on his own, for now he would rather just be there for Jamie. Even if Jamie decided he wasn't worth it anymore, he would still be there. 

And for once in his life Kevin really meant it. 

He knew he would put in time and effort just to see that Jamie was living to the best extent he could. For now he would call it redemption for all his past mistakes. 

But could he really live up to what he said? "We're going to make it" did he really think that? And more importantly, why did he say 'We're'? As in both of them, together. Really he thought Jamie could live, but was he already living or dying? He thought he was fine. 

Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional. 

Maybe that wasn't the best way to put it. 

Kevin sighed and sat up, watching the waves once again. There was too much to think about. Too much to say, too much to not know. He didn't want to move from the beach, knowing that he might bump into someone, anyone really. The only person he could stand in this town was Jamie. And that was saying something. But he had no intention of staying on the beach all day. He couldn't just go home, that place was worse than here. Maybe he would just sit around and think all day. Maybe try to catch Jamie on his mail route, that wouldn't seem to desperate would it? Whatever. 

See aside from public belief, Kevin was super bi and ready to flaunt that gay shit for Jamie. And hell if Jamie was straight, he didn't seem straight at all. Not gay, but like he has too much love in his heart to even try to be one or the other. Yeah, even Kevin could see that. 

The problem is, Kevin would never be able to show that. He could flirt and talk and care, but words were never his forte. Words that should mean something at least. He was fine with just being friends, for now. Part of him couldn't differentiate the difference between desire and love. After all the touching Jamie needed that morning, he noticed an increase in his want for Jamie. 

Perhaps you're only now figuring this out, but from the moment Jamie was able to talk to Kevin and when he noticed how fucked in the head Jamie was, he started to fall much harder for the boy. 

Not even Kevin really knew where any of this was coming from. He probably just felt closer to Jamie, which was lighting his heart on fire. 

He decided to text Jamie, asking if they could "hang out" later. He really was a teenager at heart. But he would just wait here, thinking, dying, lovely.

******

Today was an amazing day. Everything seemed to be light and bubbly instead of haunting like usual. Jamie was happy. At least h hoped he was. There really was no reason to feel bliss, maybe just a change in the normal course of life. On his mail route he was greeting people joyfully and even having some conversations. Reynaldo didn't even bother him too much with his crazy rants. 

To be honest he really didn't know why he was so happy. Yesterday he felt pretty average, but today everything was bubbling up inside him, keeping him in the moment and laughable. He wasn't even worried about that morning, if he had seemed too clingy or annoying. Actually he was also pretty light on that. Everything felt pretty good. And he could blame that on Kevin, he never had deep friendly relationship with someone. He also noticed when his phone buzzed in the middle of a conversation with Onion his mind instantly went to the assumption that it would have been Kevin. His heart was fluttering and flourishing, giving him reason to be even happier. He felt like screaming. This kind of burning passion was what he was looking for. There were so many things to love, and today was the perfect day to confess it. 

Yes his enjoyment of having a friend boosted his confidence a whole lot. If Kevin could like him wouldn't someone else? And he had his eye on one person in particular. Once he finished talking to Onion he looked at his phone. Apparently Kevin had texted him, and wanted to do something later. He replied with a sure, telling Kevin it was his turn to decide what they did because of the rave last time. He didn't know if he should bring that up, but whatever. 

Last night he slaved over writing a beautiful letter for a special someone. One that would proclaim his emotion and share the world with this person. Granted, they really only just "met", but Jamie was sure this was perfection. he couldn't live without them. 

Kevin told him he could figure out what was going on in his head. It was almost like an agreement for safety and understanding. Jamie wanted this hope to last, it was mostly what was powering his mind and confidence. And today was going to revolutionary. He had one person as an amazing friend (he hoped) and could potentially have someone to share this emotion with. It was too hard to resist. He was positive this letter would work on anyone. Consisting of quotes from sonnets and all the emotion he needed. 

If he was being honest though, his anxiety was through the roof. Once he arrived at Steven's house he anxiously saw the small boy and gave him the letter quickly running off happily. He then saw Kevin at the end of the beach. He smiled and went off to his apartment to change. 

Afterwards he ran out to Kevin, only tripping once on the way. He tapped Kevin's shoulder and smiled as the other man turned around to look at him. He smirked back and Jamie pulled him to standing. They both really didn't know what to do so they settled on going back to Jamie's house and picking out a movie. Kevin wasn't interested in movies at all, but he agreed just for Jamie's sake. 

Jamie hummed all the way home, skipping sometimes as well. He was extremely excited to get a reply on the letter. As Jamie closed the door behind both of them he started humming again and smiling to himself. He picked out a romantic movie called "Blue Is the Warmest Color" and sat back next to Kevin on his two seated couch. Kevin moved an arm around the chair in a suave manner Jamie could appreciate. Jamie giggled slightly and Kevin looked at him quirking an eyebrow. 

"Someone's happy today" he said, voice dripping in charisma 

"Maybe" Jamie sung out, smiling again. 

"Yeah?" Kevin asked eyes him "what's that about?"

Jamie looked back at Kevin still smiling "I've been blessed with bliss wishes today." He paused and noticed Kevin's questioning look. "Oh Kevin, how can you not understand?! I've fallen victim to love~" 

Kevin retracted his arm. "What?" 

"I met someone, you helped me Kevin." 

"Helped you with what?" He spat out and stared at Jamie, a hurt expression crossing his face.  Jamie got the sudden urge to protect himself, to show Kevin that it wasn't bad and he could be happy too. 

"You've been a friend to me, gave me confidence! I wrote a letter last night, you don't have to feel bad! Because I gave it to them today. Kevin, I found someone to love!" Kevin looked around for a second, he obviously didn't look well "K-Kevin?" 

"I think I'm gonna be sick" Kevin ran out of the apartment, leaving Jamie dumbfounded staring at his slammed door. 

~~~~~~

Kevin shoved his hands in his pockets, holding back sickness in his throat. So Jamie wasn't happy about him that morning huh? Just itching to tell this love of his everything. This made no sense, where did the fragile loving kind Jamie go? The one who cared and wanted to get better? As much as Kevin hated to go home there was nowhere else for him. He felt dizzy and exposed, working around his mind, dying inside himself. He felt angry, like his mind was tearing outside to shreds. But dominantly, he felt desolated. Like someone just tore open himself. 

He walked up his driveway, dreading life as it would come. He just wanted to lie down and die. Jamie found someone. How? He seemed to always be alone and with Kevin around there really was no one to see except himself. Today seemed like it was fine, as if everything was going to be okay and happy. He was almost willing to try again with someone. Why was the world so intent on bringing him down? 

As he finally reached the top of his driveway all of those thoughts left him. 

Someone's car was parked there. Aside from his own, there was one other. One he hadn't seen in a long time. His father and mother were home. He totally thought they would be taking another week or so on that "business trip". He contemplated leaving and sleeping in the bushes until they left again. But as appealing as that sounded he decided he would have to power through the night. 

He walked up the front steps and opened the door quietly, attempting not to disturb anything. As he shut the door he heard his name being called and instantly slammed it the rest of the way closed. He turned around and saw his father in the hallway. He was dressed in a bathrobe and a white shirt. It seemed to Kevin that he had been drinking. The man walked around Kevin and sneered at him 

"Where the hell have you been?" He asked breathing on Kevin's neck, making him shiver. 

"I-"

"Do you know what we do for you, kid?" He moved his face closer to Kevin's and stuck a finger right on his chest. "We go out and make money, while you leave us to go dance with your girlfriend around that shit town." 

Wow, his dad really did miss a lot. Kevin could smell the beer on his dad's breath, hot and thick. He must have drunk a lot of it, because that stuff was real hard to get drunk on. Kevin tried to take a step forward, he was done with his fathers bullshit. But instead of allowing him to pass is father pushed him to the ground pointing harshly at him.

"You listen here asshole. One day, we're not gonna be here to take care of you, then you'll fuckin' wish you cared about this place now." His father slammed a foot into Kevin's chest, making him wince slightly. 

Kevin was used to this whenever his folks came home. His father kept pummeling his fists and feet into Kevin. Normally, Kevin might have fought back, but today he felt he deserved this punishment. Each punch was a reminder of who he was, and each kick was knowledge of the cruel world he lived in. He knew his father was tired because he hadn't grabbed a beer bottle or anything like that. And his punches started getting slower and less planned. He kicked Kevin in the ribs one last time and laughed in his face. Then staggered off towards outside screaming back at Kevin 

"One of these days you'll regret ever leaving, you better- better make yourself useful kid. Or were gonna have another conversation" he sneered out the word 'conversation' making it sound unpleasant. This all happened way too fast. Kevin's father was always a dick to him, and he expected to be treated like shit today, but not so quickly. It never happens like that. He tried to force himself to stand, the blood rushed into his head and drained the sight from his eyes. He almost fell again as he walked up to his room. After almost falling up the stairs twice he finally made it to his room, clutching his aching ribs and hastily lying down. His head was screaming with anger and pain. And his mother hadn't even gotten in the mix. She was an okay person, but typically when she was trying to talk to him it was dainty and pointless, as if she was somewhere else. There was something wrong with his family. Mentally that is. His aunt struggled with anxiety, his mother with psychosis, uncle has bipolar disorder, and everyone just lives on. Except for his cousin, and Grandfather, both killed themselves one because of depression the other also with a type of psychosis. His father had an anger disorder called Intermittent explosive disorder, or IED. Now people saw that he had this and it was serious. He was supposed to take meds for it, doctors treated it for real. But in Kevin they never really saw him as a potential victim. No, he was just a rude child with no head. 

Kevin wanted nothing more than to sleep, to just forget it all. But instead he was close to throwing up nothing but blood and the pain was persistent enough to force him awake every time he was close to sleeping. And not only was this physical, but his heart ached as well. Jamie was in live with someone else, better yet because of him. That should be the furthest thing from his mind right now, maybe calling CPS would be helpful? No his father was good to him, or at least helped him live. Honestly Kevin couldn't care to do any of that. He had it much better than others, and shouldn't complain about what he was given. Even if it made him want to scream. No one would believe him anyways, he was too snarky to everyone and really was a dick. He was destined to turn into his father when he was older. Unfortunately that was likely the end of him. He would rather be dead then his father. 

The ache inside grew larger with the thought of killing himself. No one would care, they would love to see him gone. Except for maybe Jamie, who would have some sort of girl/boyfriend to make him feel nothing for Kevin. After all, who could say no Jamie? He was such a beautiful person, and as guilty as he felt for thinking any of that he decided it was okay now, Jamie didn't care about him anyway. The only way to get over him was to first think through it all then push it away. He eventually stood up and went to the bathroom attached to his room. He stared at himself in the mirror, his face bruising and slightly bleeding from his nose. Watching himself closely, he stripped and touched his ribs which were raw from all the kicks. His mind was still fuzzy and it was certainly hard to walk, but he  forced himself into the bathtub and turned the water on a little hotter than it needed to be. He sat there for a while, feeling the sting of water on open cuts. It was nothing compared to the times his father had rings on or wasn't drunk and tired. Kevin was an adult, he didn't have the excuse of CPS anymore he realized. Honestly he felt he deserved this fate.

There was nothing left for Kevin. Everything he was destined to become right in his face and killing him. It was all falling apart. But that's okay, because what else has he known? What else did he deserve? Kevin was a mess, and he couldn't care. Eventually he turned the water off and walked out of the shower, drying in his misery then stepping right into bed, ribs still aching like hell. It seemed easier to sleep then, easier just to exist peacefully. His head calmed down, and exhaustion took over his body and mind. Eventually he dug back into the realm of terror.

******

Life was going really slow without Kevin. It had been only three days, and in that he was rejected, told off by kids, given a letter back, basically mind-fucked until he just wanted to die. At least Garnet had given him a complement. He was good at acting. But his only friend was completely dead online and outside. With all the alone time he was getting he started realizing what Garnet told him hosted some truth and some not. He was lying to himself, he didn't love Garnet it was something more of an infatuation with her as an idea. But this infatuation was only spread from Kevin. See, Jamie didn't want to believe this, but he was only trying to distract himself from what he felt for someone else. Someone who ran from him when he told them about Garnet. He really needed to talk to Kevin, but he had no clue where the other man lived and he wouldn't answer his phone, so Jamie was just left in the dark. Clueless and depressed again he tried all he could to be in touch with Kevin. But no one knew where he lived, and when he asked Steven the kid just shrugged and said he didn't know anyone named "Kevin" 

Steven knows everyone! But just not Kevin.. How was that possible? 

Then he thought of it. One day when his mail route ended he went to Barb and asked about the people on her route. See Barb went to the people who lived on the rich side of town, like Mayor Dewey and others who had money. She told him about them in order, and when she got to the last one she described a boy who always answered the door with his flip phone out and a rude mouth to her. Jamie then asked what he looked like, and the description matched Kevin almost perfectly. 

"Do you mind if I take off early?" He asked in a rushed manner, slipping off his mail bag and looking at Barb in a rushed way. She nodded and he ran out of the building and started sprinting towards the rich side of town. Eventually, he slowed down and checked his pockets finding an apology letter he wrote that morning. He reread it at least a hundred times to make sure it was perfect, and still he felt it wasn't enough. It took all of his willpower not to walk back down and revise it.

He finally found himself at the end of a long driveway. by the time he reached the top he was slightly winded and breathed heavily on the door frame. After a moment he breathed out and regained composure, then knocked on the front door. 

He closed his eyes and started an apology as the door opened. 

"Uh.." 

He opened his eyes and noticed an old man in his bathrobe with a hazy drunk look in his eyes. Jamie laughed slightly.

"Sr., Is there perhaps a Kevin in this residence?" He looked into the door and awkwardly shifted his weight from heal to toe. The man looked at him in a hungry pissed off sense, causing Jamie to step back from the door and ask again. 

"Sr., please, I need to know if there is someone named Kevin in this residence" He again, getting less and less patient with the man.

"whose askin' sweetheart  the man flirted making Jamie uncomfortable. He assumed the man thought he was a girl in this fucked up state. He almost didn't want to go inside. 

"I'm here for a Kevin, sir." He said again in a more assertive manner.

"K doll, I don't know a Kevin. Why don't you come inside for a minute?" the man leaned in on Jamie and breathed out his words, smelling strongly of whiskey and piss. Jamie cringed on the inside and tried to look away. But was taken by the waist and forced into the old mans arms. He tried to look to the side and push the man off him, who only pulled him in tighter and kissed his neck lightly. 

"Dad what the fuck?!" He heard called from inside the house. And easily pushed off the man who trudged with his fists clenched back inside. 

"What did you say to me you little shit?" Jamie cringed again and touched his neck, he felt dirty. The man screamed something at the voice and something crashed in the house. But Jamie was only thinking of what would have happened had someone not intruded. Outside he shivered and fell to his knees in thought, too many thoughts. He started breathing faster as his mind was stuck inside itself, feeling as if it flipped around and brought his nerves to a breaking point, where they fell around him and brought this feeling of disgust and hatred for himself. Too much he couldn't deal with whilst the noise inside fought his ears outside himself. Everything was exploding, dying, trying to rip him to shreds. His voice sucked out of him and desolated, all else ruined. And he felt himself being lifted off the ground with all this pain it came off in a blur with the emotion he couldn't control. 

He felt hands reaching up to him and trying to pull him back to the darkness he once held. They pocked and pushed at him, forcing all else out of him. He felt he was going insane, like everything he knew was walking off the face of reality. It felt like the end. 

~~~~~~

Kevin pulled Jamie into his arms, grunting and holding the boy closely. He was worried for him, but there was no conversation. There wasn't a way to communicate with someone who was this far gone. He was moving in the other mans arms, breathing heavily and fighting something that wasn't even there. Kevin got into his car and set Jamie in the passenger seat, driving quickly off to Jamie's apartment.

Once he pulled into the driveway he sighed and looked back at Jamie, slumping in his seat. The other male was stuck in his dying anxiety. He gripped the wheel tightly and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he got out of his car and took Jamie back in his arms up the stairs to his apartment. The door was unlocked, unusual for Jamie. But they walked in and Kevin laid Jamie down on his bed, sitting on the other side of him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Trying to bring him back to reality. He felt utterly defeated, angry with the world and himself and his father. He wanted to cry. Something he hadn't done in a long time, something he would never allow himself to do in any other circumstance. He choked back tears and held onto Jamie, who was calming down slightly and shaking a little bit. He pulled in the hurt man, and cuddled him in agony. 

Normally it was too much to bear, to hold onto alone. But together they could stay in pain and help themselves above what a society expects from them. There has always been more in two than one, even without therapy. 

And it was easy to fall asleep, warm and maybe exposed, but comfortable together. Pain didn't have to dictate it. 

And maybe, with a little time and effort, they could work through this. 

A/N

So I really am not confident in this chapter. I don't know if I should change it completely or not, it just doesn't sound right to me. Feel free to please tell me what you think, again it just isn't really the best.