*****

Realizing you are human takes a lot more than being born and told. 

Jamie quickly ran up the stairs to his apartment, unlocked the door and propped it open with a chair. He then ran back downstairs and grabbed Kevin by the arms attempting to carry him up the stairs, failing still and dragged him instead. Eventually, he did drag Kevin inside and got him on the couch. 

He took the chair out of the doorway and let it close. Then went back to Kevin and unwrapped the blood soaked shirt from his arm. There was a lot of blood in humans. Luckily he didn't seem to have damaged the vein too much and they could probably avoid hospitalization. He ran into his bathroom for a second and returned with rubbing alcohol and a thick cloth he never really had use for. He tightened it around Kevin's arm in attempts to stop the bleeding, then stood up and grabbed a few Advils from his cupboard. He left them on his wooden coffee table for when Kevin was in a better place and would need to take them. 

For the next while he sat on the table hopelessly holding Kevin's hand and trying not to lose it. His mind was full of dark thoughts making him fear the situation more than what was probably necessary. He fiddled with Kevin's fingers for a bit and was suddenly overcome by so many negative thoughts that to calm his worry he leaned over Kevin and listened for his audible breathing. And when that wasn't enough he felt the other mans neck for a pulse, getting a groan from Kevin which made him leap back and almost fall over his coffee table. 

"Fuck" He heard from Kevin, who was squeezing his eyes shut and bending his wounded arm. 

"Hurt yourself pretty good, huh?" Jamie asked softly and watched as Kevin sat up and held his head. He seemed liked he was having trouble with something, because a look of overwhelming exasperation crossed his face and made him visibly tense. 

"Fuck me." He groaned out again and sadly slammed his head back onto the couch letting out a whine of frustration.  

"It's okay" Jamie attempted to console "we all have our ups and downs.. You should talk to me about it. 'Give sorrow words; the grief that doesn't speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break'" He causally quoted Shakespeare, in attempts to seem smarter. But Kevin only sighed and started undoing the bandage on his arm, Jamie didn't protest for fear of another outburst. He watched as Kevin eyed his wound and was launched into action after realizing it stopped bleeding so much. He took the rubbing alcohol and dosed a cotton ball in it then tried to press it against Kevin's wound. But instead, Kevin waved him off and continued watching small streams of blood trickle down his arm. 

"Kevin, I need to do this so you don't get infected." He said in a sweet, demanding, manner. Kevin only grunted in response and kept watching his arm. This pissed Jamie off slightly, he didn't like how Kevin was eyeing his own wound like it was some sort of necessity. It was painful to see. Kevin hurting wasn't in his best interest. So, he decided that he would have to do whatever it takes to get his attention from the cut for a while. He sat next to him and placed his hand into his, squeezing it lightly. Honestly, he was close to tears knowing that Kevin could have accidentally killed himself if he went any deeper. He would have to mention this later. As of now he moved so that he was leaning slightly on Kevin, placing his head in the crook of the other mans neck. "Kevin~" He whispered out in a slow soft way attempting to distract him. "Sweetheart~" He sung and kissed the bottom of his jawline. "C'mon love, I need you right now." When none of this ended up working he decided to resort to more physical things, and moved so he was basically straddling him again. Then attempted to look into his eyes, when that didn't work he moved his arms around Kevin's neck and couldn't take it anymore. He closed the space between them in a hug, wrapping himself around Kevin and sniffling as he bit back tears once again. As much as he wanted to cry right there he knew he had to stay strong for Kevin, if he didn't they would both be a shit show and nothing would turn out quite right. 

"Kevin, please" he whispered as a few tears rolled down his cheeks. He pulled away slightly and turned his face towards Kevin's so he was looking into his eyes, which were seemingly apathetic but hid fear and pain deep within. "Please, look at me." He commanded gently and rested his forehead on Kevin's. "Please be okay." He whispered, and when the dead expression didn't go away he had to fight back another round of tears. 

"Fucking hell, WHY?!" He screamed out above him in a hysteric way. Letting tears roll down his cheeks and a sob escape his lips. He moved his head back onto Kevin's and sat there silently. Letting pent up pain cascade in rivers down his face. He glanced back down at Kevin's arm and noticed the blood was running slower. "You can make it" he whispered and closed his eyes letting his lips fall on Kevin's and kissed him softly "It'll get better." 

He hugged Kevin once again, letting his body shake with sobs never escaping. His heart rate increased and the burning anxiety he always seemed to feel continued, higher than before. The pain of it forced his body into a much wanted decay. He felt his heart being torn to shreds, watching and dying with it. Even if it all seemed to be okay, with silence and peace. There was knowledge of what could have been and what still is shaking Jamie. 

Suddenly, he felt a hand comfortably sift through his hair. The sensation made him jump slightly until he realized it was just Kevin and moved his head farther into the crook of his neck. A swarm of emotion attacked his throat, surging of relief and worry. He knew Kevin wouldn't die, the cut wasn't deep enough. But his infatuation with the pain and blood worried Jamie, they would have to talk a lot more later. 

"I'm fine." He heard whispered darkly in an airy unreal manner. 

"No, no, no you aren't" quickly, he clambered off of Kevin and looked back at his arm, grabbing it hastily and wiping the blood around the cut with the cotton ball, then dousing another one in alcohol and pressing it to the fresh wound. Kevin hissed and almost ripped his arm out of Jamie's grip. 

"Fuck this." He mumbled and looked away. Jamie only sighed and shook his head. "I've never needed to clean my cuts before, Jamie. Why now?" Jamie looked back at him and scowled.

"You have an awfully big mouth for someone who almost killed themselves." He said and pressed the wad down harder, making Kevin wince. He was obviously taken aback by how assertive Jamie seemed. 

"Whatever." He mumbled and attempted to cross his arms before realizing the cut existed. Kevin seemed so pissed with something, this time in a controlled way that could still be thought with. Jamie did have to remind himself this was Kevin, not his father. And it was unlikely for him to hurt Jamie, physically. Any mental punishment he probably wouldn't take well either. 

They stood and sat like this for a few minutes before Jamie decided it was okay to just wrap the wound up in gauze. Kevin bent his arm a few times afterwards and groaned randomly once, slamming his head back onto the couch. Jamie finally sat next to him and took his hand in his, sighing slowly. It hurt him to see all these white lines dancing on Kevin's arms. Most from his father but others with deeper meaning of framed pain they both couldn't avoid. He started shaking again, cringing the more he saw them. 

"You know you're going to talk to me about this, right?" Kevin sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. Everything he did was in a slow sad way, as if he was trying to find a better way to calm himself. 

"Yeah.." He sighed out and looked hopefully at Jamie. When neither of them said anything he looked back down at his hands and smiled slightly. "You gonna tell me why you keep kissing me?" He asked laughingly in attempts to lighten the mood. Jamie just stared at him with an expression between being surprised and almost disgusted. 

"After you explain all these fucking scars to me." He growled in a low annoyed way. 

"Someones feisty." Kevin rolled his eyes and crossed his arm, wincing slightly in pain. Jamie wanted to comfort him, tell him he didn't have to say anything and they could just move on. But, he also needed to know what was happening and if it would happen again. "Listen, it's honestly nothing."

"Nothing?..." He asked taken aback. "Nothing?! Kevin, you have tons of these! Even I can see that it isn't nothing." Kevin just looked away still closed off. "Okay, fine. Can you first tell me what of this is you and which is... something else?" Jamie shivered at the mere thought of Kevin's father. His mind was always looking for the possible outcomes before the event even took place. He created all these realities where everything fell down. Even just thinking about it made his body feel unsafe and hellish. Suddenly, he was taken back to this reality by Kevin, who grabbed his arms and looked straight into his eyes with a cold helpless glare. 

Jamie wasn't positive, but he swore there were tears in his eyes.

"It's never me, Jamie." He rasped out in a painful, hellish voice. "There's someone else inside of me, a beast, not a man. And you see... He does this to me. He turns me into someone I'm not, something I'd rather force to harm me than anyone else." Kevin hoarsely ended his monologue and slowly pulled away from Jamie, burying his face in his hands and moaning lightly. He was obviously trying not to cry. Jamie only sighed and noticed how that was probably all he would be able to get out of Kevin for one night. He thought of what Kevin just said. This beast inside him, it could be many things. It could mean many things. If in a poetic sense it would be human nature, but this almost feels like something deeper. A more humane humanism humbled by man. Whatever it was it had to be terrifying. 

"I'm sorry" He whispered and turned himself to face Kevin, who straightened and looked back at him longingly. As if he wanted to say more, do more, understand everything, but just couldn't find words to place what is and isn't. 

"Don't be." Was all he managed in a small voice. Inside he cursed himself for being so pathetic. It was always a battle for him to show vulnerability, he wanted to be real and be able to talk humanly. But, it just wasn't... "cool" to. And sometime silently they both realized this about him, and Jamie intended to break down those walls. He wanted to be a safe space for Kevin to think and say whatever he needed to. Society put so many expectations on both of them. Jamie was always being labeled as happy and charismatic, and Kevin, well he was just an asshole. But society never did think to look deeper into them, just a first impression from them all. 

This moment took Jamie back to when they first met, how Kevin mentioned he would be "all fucked up again". Perhaps he meant like this. 

Fuck he thought to himself worriedly, what if it was his fault all of this was happening? 

What if he was the problem and everything he thought was done well was truly broken by him?Leaving people shattered instead of fixed.

He wouldn't be able to deal with that burden. 

"Now.." He heard Kevin say in a sly voice as he leaned slightly closer to Jamie. "You can tell me why you keep kissing me." 

In a good mood already huh? Well knowing Kevin it was probably just immense curiosity. Life seemed to be one big joke to him.  

Jamie turned his head away from Kevin and huffed out, crossing his arms. He wasn't ready to admit the uh... whatever you might call it. Desire? No, it's deeper than that. And well, he can't just say he loves Kevin, he could be tricking himself again. Plus, Kevin's been having a hard time, this news wouldn't really brighten his day per-say. But instead of leaving him alone, Kevin got on his knees (on the couch) and whispered into Jamie's ear. "C'mon baby, admit it, I'm irresistible."  He smirked and kissed Jamie's cheek. In response he sighed and slumped down in his chair, blushing slightly. In a split second he mustered enough confidence to push Kevin back down to sitting on the arm of the couch, and leaned over him. 

"If that's how you're going to be then fuck it, don't you think I deserve to know more about you?" Kevin blinked a few times, obviously taken aback by Jamie's claim. But he quickly regained composure and smirked thinking he could easily turn this around. 

"Whatever baby, I'm an open book. Just answer the-" Jamie quickly struck Kevin across the cheek, making him shut up and laugh slightly in a shook way. 

"What just got into you, Kevin? How am I supposed to know if I'm talking to the real you or this facade you put up all the time?" 

"It's not facade." He mumbled and looked back at Jamie challengingly. "I'm the realest person in this town." 

"Yeah? If that were true you'd stop talking about all these shallow things! You experience so much, Kevin. Why can't you just tell someone about it?" Jamie was seriously pissed at Kevin in this moment. It was like he was trying to play with his emotions. He never knew if Kevin was really feeling a certain way, if something actually affected him or if he was actually feeling. Calling himself real didn't fit the picture. "Kevin, you cut yourself, or something makes you, I don't know. But what I do know is you can be a real piece of shit when you act like this." He shook himself, trying to calm down, to no avail. "You don't know who you're hurting when you act like this, when you pain yourself. And I know there's something deep inside of you, screaming at you to be human, telling you it's okay to feel. You could be so poetic if you tried, but you channel this into anger and bullshit!" Kevin looked down and shook his head biting his lip. He hated being yelled at, especially by people he... enjoyed. 

"You don't know me." He stated and felt his heart drop in his chest. 

"Wow Kevin. Wow. Maybe you're right, and you know I can't even make you leave because I don't want you going home or sleeping on the fucking street, but let me tell you I am really close to thinking about it." After a moment of trying to choke back down his anger didn't work he did the only thing he thought he could, disappointment. "I've stayed with you throughout all of this shit you've done to me, what do you expect me to say?" Jamie stood and walked backwards toward the entrance of the hallway. "tell me when I can trust you again." He turned and strutted off to his bedroom throwing himself on his bed and groaning. 

What did he just do?

~~~~~~

Kevin really fucked up. Even he could admit that, between letting himself go off and finding very conveniently placed glass, going off his rocker, and then trying to cover all his weakness up. Yeah, he fucked up. 

God he didn't know how to treat friends. What even were friends? And fuck were they even friends? There were so many unanswered questions he couldn't even surmise the answers to. 

He groaned again and let his body fall to span the entirety of the couch. His hands dragged down his face and he punched himself trying not to lose his mind again. Jamie was mad at him, his father was always pissed at him, hell even he was always pissed at him too. Everyone he knew was always fucking angry. And you know for once he was starting to be okay with that knowledge, he could ignore even thinking it was his fault. Oh but now he could only face the truth.

He forces people into his own state of desolation. Causing indignation and resentment. 

Yeah, this was nothing new. Jamie was happy, he never lost himself in anger, maybe in pain, but he couldn't stand to see himself affecting someone as sweet as Jamie. 

Someone who could see through this thick mask he called real. 

If anything he was destroyed by this situation, completely devastated. There's no way to form this lightly from his overly sheltered life, he was a problem. A mistake. A fuck up in the programming of reality. His walls were falling down until the soft shell of who he truly was exposed, utterly and viciously exposed. As if those streams in his head turned to rivers then oceans and physically deteriorate his cells. 

What kind of reality forced this inside people? Inside these waterfalls peacefully cascading down in a blissful fad. Well now they turned cold and rotten, with the pointed rocks and painful blood red seas. As if his core was truly just the madness at a brink on the inside of death. Knowledge he was forced to deal with. It's all just pain.

And what did Jamie say? He could be poetic if he tried? Yeah, like that was going to happen any time soon. Jamie didn't know shit, this rage was completely natural and made of himself. IED... Something he had to live with, something he was. An illness as they call it, helpless to find a way out, helpless in social situations, he can't make friends. Helpless in school because he could never apply himself, helpless at home because his family never tried to see him, hopeless in life because no one ever tried to teach him the way things were supposed to be. 

Now all this self pity shit was getting to him. Why? Because maybe just a little part of him felt bad, because maybe, just maybe, he gave a shit for once. 

He knew what happened last time, he tried to run from it, tried to find a way out. But it seemed no matter what it would always be chasing him. He couldn't run forever, he had to feel things unfortunately. Even he was human. This confidence thing was falling.

God, why was he so fake? 

He hit his head on the couch and moaned out in frustration, everything was killing him slowly. Why didn't he just leave? The air around wasn't helping much, he could sleep in his car and drive to nowhere. It just made sense. Skip town, never looking back, being shallow again and only getting what comes his way. There's no fucking point in staying. 

But there is. 

He was remembering the last time he felt like this, driving down to the beach and laying their for as long as he could. Then meeting someone who was so fucked up in their own way, and had no clue how to stay. Someone he was sure he could help through this anxiety shit. But really he was just adding to it. 

This time, he didn't want to leave, to run away and never see this person again. He wanted to help, to be healthy enough to do so. To try and find a way out for both of them. He looked down to his bound arm, and cringed what the hell was he? What was he doing to everyone? Someone cared about him and he just kept pushing everyone away. It seemed as if someone who was way more fucked up than him was trying to carry all the weight for both of them. He should be doing something, something more. Before they both fell apart. 

But what did Jamie even want from him? Trust? What did that even mean? Kevin had a reputation in Beach City, a different one in Empire, he was just an asshole who didn't care about anyone or anything. A person who could just leave and no one would care. 

He felt a low dull ache in his chest as thoughts of Jamie's rage spilled over the edge of these rivers. Jamie was happy, he never lost control in anger, maybe in pain, but Kevin had this affect on people. He always ended up making them feel worse about themselves and about life. They were always pissed at him. Hell Jamie was pissed, his father was pissed, he was even pissed at himself, no wonder everyone else was. He just mad people hate everything. And he didn't want to see that in Jamie. Jamie was living before he met Kevin, but now look where they were. 

"Fuuuuckkk" Kevin groaned and slid a hand down his face again. This was worthless. The streams in his head turned into strong cold rivers, then currents through his brain. And suddenly forced their way to ocean waves, easily eroding his cells. His head roared and brought him to a brink of depression and agony. He was never good at handling other people's pain, it just wasn't in his nature. And when he causes that pain? Well typically it felt good. But this time it was killing him. Maybe it was a side effect of this caring bullshit he was forced into. When he tried to build his walls back up they crumbled under gravity and reality. He would have to learn to not only build bridges into his walls, but to destroy them completely. God that would be a long process. He wasn't even able to think about past events with this emotion and be okay. 

He flipped himself to face the wall and breathed out. It was going to be a long night. And this weight on his head wasn't letting go. His heart ached and pounded so meaninglessly in his chest. Withering away he slammed his head into the couch a few times moaning out his pain. The rest of his body wasn't even feeling in the moment, everything was just so dead and pointless. 

He laid there, breathing in and out slowly, attempting to lull himself to peace. It worked in a way and the distant roar of the ocean calmed down to just a cold thick stream wedging it's way in trickles through his brain. It attempted to tear him apart, which would be hard because he already felt shredded anyways. He couldn't shake the idea that Jamie hated him. 

Typical. Once he gets anywhere close to someone they just end up pushing him away. 

Hell if he knew how to gain someone's trust. He couldn't just buy his way out this time. Jamie was different from all those people who preyed on his money and good natured parents. No, he wanted something emotional and close. 

Kevin sighed and cursed himself for turning into this self-pitying sack of shit. He didn't deserve life. 

He started breathing again, attempting to pass the minutes that dragged on in pain and silence. A haunting angry silence. They soon turned to hours of this same river, always constant and painfully held. With this ache threatening to take over his body, as if he was just one giant bruise and if you pushed it too hard he would fall over the edge. 

Suddenly, as the silence crept in and became deafening, he heard breathing muffled by something. Deep hysteric breathing. 

Jamie 

He instantly stood and ran out to Jamie's bedroom, hesitantly opening the door and walking in. He stood in the door way for a second staring at the scene in front of him. Jamie was breathing heavily lying on his bed face up, he reached a hand up to the ceiling as his body racked and shivered. Peering closer his face was twisted with pain and fear. Kevin quickly  shut the door and calmly walked over to the bed, sitting on the inside of it and looking down at Jamie sadly. He'd been in this situation many times before. 

"Hey, it's Kevin here, I know you're in pain Jamie and you're going to get through it. Just listen to my voice." Jamie kept breathing and forcing his arm to the sky, his other hand clutched his heart and pulled his shirt down so the collar burned his neck. Kevin had to resist pulling his hand back and adjusting his clothing. "I'm going to need you to lower your arm first, you are alive and you aren't dying." He spoke and after a moment Jamie retracted his arm from the air showing immense struggle. "Good, you're doing great. Can you sit up as of now?" He asked in what he hoped was a comforting slow voice. Jamie slowly shifted himself to sitting, leaning against the wall and breathing a bit heavier than before. He looked like the air around him was thinning and being taken from him. Then Kevin realized that's probably exactly what it felt like. "Alright, you're going to be okay. Now count with me, we're going to breathe in for four seconds. You can do this." He took in a breath and watched as Jamie struggled to do so, his hands tensed and body shook but he did it. 

"Okay Jamie, you got this. Now hold this for seven seconds." The older man held his breath exasperatedly and his whole body shook with the effort. "You're doing amazing, just hold on with me. You're going to be okay. Breathe out for eight seconds with me now." They both breathed out and Jamie squeezed his eye's shut, obviously wanting to breathe more. 

They repeated the breathing circle until Jamie seemed to calm down to a point where reality seems manageable. Kevin did ponder reading one of Jamie's books aloud to him, however it didn't seem like the best time to get up and leave. Jamie curled himself into a ball forcing his legs to his chest and placed his head between his knees. 

"I'm sorry." He breathed out and shuddered in shame. 

"Hey, Jamie, you can't control this. It's hard, I understand. You have to let yourself feel." He compassionately let out. And was taken aback as Jamie tackled him in a hug and they both fell on the mattress. Kevin blushed slightly as Jamie nuzzled his head into the crook of his neck. He intertwined their legs and moved his arms around Jamie's waist, hugging him closely. He was certainly not expecting to get this response. Typically he was used to getting the cold shoulder from people in this situation, one of them just took out their pain on him. But this wasn't cold, it was warming and understanding. A different kind of silence than before, sweet silence where they could be in the moment and their minds in peace together. More chaos never made peace, but when both of you have your own chaos it becomes something they need to complete. And their types of chaos could just compliment each other. It's nice knowing-

"I love you"

Fuck he didn't expect that. It came from someone and it sure as hell wasn't him. He stiffened underneath Jamie, who in response shifted on his hands and leaned over Kevin. "I-I'm sorry I don't uh.. know where that came from, I-" Kevin cut him off  by sitting up and crashing their lips together and half expected Jamie to pull away. But he didn't and instead melted into the kiss softly. His lips felt so soft and new, as they slowly and passionately explored his, he almost smiled into it. Both of them felt this surge of emotion fluttering in Jamie and violently pressing in Kevin's chest. The chaos coming in slow warm waves of calm waters that formed passion and comfort. And they both realized this is what first kisses must feel like for normal people. 

Jamie had to break it for loss of breath, but he went back to hugging Kevin down on the mattress, his head finding a normal comfortable position in the crook of Kevin's neck, lightly panting from the length of it. When he caught his breath he asked in a dull whisper "what does this mean?" Kevin held him lightly and looked down at him. cute he thought and smiled to himself. It felt good being able to let himself feel. 

"That even I can learn how to love." He responded with temptation dripping off his tongue. There was so much he wanted from this, but he just couldn't say those four words back. Letting himself feel wasn't that therapeutic. Love is a violent emotion just like the others, and it has the power to destroy like no other. "You're uh.. I- how are you feeling?" He asked in attempts to be comforting. This was a new feeling, not regret, but what he assumed was care. He didn't want to say the wrong thing or fuck this up already. In the long run he was bound to. And what even happened with that mystery person Jamie was crushing on because of him? None of this made sense. Then again it probably wasn't supposed to. Jamie saw a lot of Kevin's softer side that day, he felt as if looking across the vast ocean of shattered pieces he had become was getting to be more manageable, he didn't have to worry if he could piece them all together anymore. He could just start building who he really was around him.

"I'm fine, more than fine, I'm amazing!" Jamie squealed and sat up yet again straddling Kevin. That just seemed to be his favorite position huh? 

"Yeah, you're not wrong about that one." Kevin smirked through the darkness and winked lightly, starting to miss the feeling of Jamie's precious lips on his. It was cold when they weren't connected by physical means. Jamie only rolled his eyes and half smiled back. 

"But... you have to tell me, what does this..."

"Let's worry about that in the morning." He groaned and pulled Jamie back down onto him, already loving the warmth between them. "We'll see if you can trust me by then." He whispered and took Jamie's lips back onto his lightly before sighing and letting himself relax in the sheets. 

It was going to be a long night for Kevin, because you just don't dream well when love is in the air. When there were so many blank spaces and things to still know. 

Yeah, sleeping was out of the question. For both of them apparently. And you'd think it would be an amazing time to talk through those issue's everyone kept close. Because Kevin almost forgot about his aching arm and painful outburst, and Jamie almost let go of Kevin's father and the argument at hand. But can you really forget life?