It's eleven on a Wednesday.

Which means pain time.

See five is an annoying time because Jamie has to leave. Then four is the reassuring time because he will be home soon. But eleven, the middle of it, is the horrible time where he has nothing to distract himself. It's not like he has friends to just call up. Plus his phone is completely worthless after a while. So eleven... The time he must remember everything he did wrong once again. The time he was most likely to do something horrible. Weekdays are better than weekends, Jamie can typically get off earlier on those days. When did he become so dependent on another person? Jesus, was he always this pathetic?

Yeah, this mind wasn't exactly the best to live with. Constant fighting with himself over what is and isn't. Who he should be and who he is. Screaming is the only thing that fits when he gets in this mindset. People don't like people like Kevin. They always think down on him for "acting" out. He just wasn't right for humanity.

He sighed and turned over on his back. This afternoon he was placed on the couch looking towards the ceiling in boredom. His arms spilled over the cushions, legs sprawled over the arm across from his head. This was a typical day for him. See, eleven isn't just a boring time. It's a triggering time. The clock strikes and all he knows is the past. Eleven, eleven, eleven. 9/11, the 11th of September 1888 death of important historical figures, ancient kingdom dies nine years later, German troops die, wars start, humanity exists. And to top it all off four years ago 11/11/2011 he started using. Since 2013 he's been clean, started a rehab process a while ago. He'd been procrastinating telling Jamie, it never seemed to be the right time to bring anything up. Jamie's mental health didn't need more to bear anyway. Kevin wasn't a great influence on Jamie, he could tell. But what did he care? There was a large part in him that didn't want Jamie to leave or for him to leave either. He was poison, hungry, needy poison, what could he do but eat away at the soul he latched onto.

Oof

All Jamie's poetry was infecting him. That makes sense, he spends a lot of time reading some of the books Jamie collected, this was still his house. Kevin was kinda intruding on his space. But, he never really said anything, soo.

Kevin checked his phone again, 11:10. The longer this hour dragged on the worse he ends up. He could just text Jamie, but what's the point anyway? He's worse off trying to talk in this state, and Jamie has work anyway.

11:11. He sighed and propped himself up on his elbows. He's clean, right? What does that mean though? Clean is a term for no longer using. Or doing something wrong. So he just doesn't have to use?

He could work with that.

So, he jumped up and ran towards the door, throwing on his signature brown jacket before running out to his car and driving off away from town. He decided to let the car take him wherever. There really was no other way.

And hey, you can't really judge that it took him to a seven eleven far from town. Neither can you say it's his fault he walked in and maybe only slightly glanced at the cigarettes? Maybe bought a pack? Yeah... Maybe.

Back inside his car, he rummaged in the pocket in the middle of the car and found an old metal lighter. He knew it would still have fuel in it, why he kept it he wasn't sure. Of course, he did expect himself to start smoking again. It wasn't like this kind of drug was illegal. So what did he do? Opened the pack right up and greedily stuck the sickness in his mouth. Actually, he started smoking at first because it looked cool. Empire City only taught him to be worse than he should've been. The kids he liked to associate with were not the nice kind. Once he lit the cancer stick he rolled down the window and breathed in deeply, enjoying the feeling of this burning in his lungs. But the real reason he smoked was the release of tension. Every day he brought himself a different gas station, thinking he would go in and buy a pack, maybe it was just for exposure so that he could be done faster. But, today was the end. The meaning of which he wouldn't know. The end of being clean from nicotine. This reality was quite simple and couldn't continue itself for the end. An end was not as simple as it may seem.

When he breathed out he let the tension build up ride along the lines in the smoke. It billowed around his face and let his mind go. Then, he flicked the radio on and let whatever stupid music was playing fill the open air and his ears. He started driving again mindlessly. Not really caring where he would end up, in a ditch or back at home. There was a lot of time left in his days, and 11, as it turned to twelve, kept coming and continuing. It didn't really need to matter. He started thinking about how Jamie would react to this. He never minded the smell or feeling smoking gave him, he was sure there was no way it could hurt him. Jamie was sorta conservative in Kevin's perspective. After living with him for a while he found a lot of things out about his lifestyle. One he was pretty innocent in the way of the world, but he knew all those adult things. He just wouldn't admit it. Two, he was quite sure Jamie didn't ever touch a phone for reasons other than texting or calling. And three Jamie could not swear unless he had meaning to. Aka, pain.

Now smoking was a whole other story. Especially if someone he knew was doing it, Kevin assumed. Each time he took another drag there was a little more guilt and a lot more danger. Which is basic knowledge that you've done the wrong thing and it felt so right.

What could he say? It's pretty typical for humanity.

Before he started smoking he didn't realize entirely how much he was holding in. As he let it go some got stuck in his throat and heart, and just wouldn't let up. As if his brain was meant to reflect on pain. His body was used to unwanted tension, his mind not so much.

He remembered rejection the clearest of all other emotions. Because it was constant and average in his life. Small things like someone saying "no" could piss him off easily as well, which confused him because typically it wasn't that bad. Bad, but not bad enough for him to need to beat the shit out of Jarred for doing nothing. He should really get a punching bag.

Rejection from Jamie hurt the most though. When he pushed away or didn't speak when he said nothing but it was obvious hell was waging in his head. Kevin just wanted to be there, and if Jamie kept everything inside it wouldn't end well for either of them. A big part of Kevin's life was trying to keep the devils within, he didn't get the opportunity to talk through things, because of course, no one wanted to listen. Instead of ending the same way with Jamie, he would try to let him talk. That was a side of his life no one ever got to see. A side where vulnerability takes over the hard shell of a person he was. Most of the anger he kept didn't even need to come from illness but from his past. That's all he knew from time to time. Life didn't love Kevin, but Jamie did and that was a start. Now if he was too fucked up to keep the only thing he loved from leaving life, then that wouldn't end very well.

This is why fucked up people didn't work together very well.

He blew smoke out for the last time and slowed down the car, watching as the last bits of peace flew from his mouth. He would light another if it wasn't for fear of letting Jamie down. Even if the man wasn't in the car directly with him, it still felt degrading to let himself fuck up enough to disappoint. After slowing the car to a stop off the side of some random street he opened the door and stamped the cigarette out, then leaned down in his seat sighing with relief when he closed the door. Cigarettes weren't the worst of his poison choices. He would never get deep enough to become a meth head or something, plus heroin was too addictive to be pleasing.

You're going to call him insane for even thinking of using half of these things. But, in the streets of Empire City you learn a lot. Because his parents were never really there at home he made his own home with some other teens trying to start a gang. They were all relatively poor and the oldest was seventeen, youngest being thirteen. This gang wasn't exactly serious like the others. But in all the flaming lights and part that Empire City was, it was nice to sometimes see the other side. Kevin wasn't in it much, he was richer than them and this was sorta around his emo phase, so it made sense. He would admit he did like dark things. That wouldn't change over time, but some of it did fade
He really didn't know where to go next. This whole reality thing was starting to bug him. What else could he do today though? There wasn't really hope in staying home or going to his real house. He could check if his parents weren't home though. For no particular reason, maybe just nostalgia.

Oh god nostalgia.

It sounded like he married Jamie and went off for years on end. That'd be... interesting.
In the end, he went around this neighborhood once again and drove back the way to Beach City. He didn't entirely want to go home and feel the smashing of bottles in his head and heart. So instead, he just drove around some more to think. Hoping to catch a certain mailman on his route. When that didn't work he started thinking of what he needed for the day. Not to be stuck in a cold house alone. Also not to be in a house period. He wanted to just go out somewhere, far away from this place. And preferably not alone.

One day he'd bring Janie to Empire City. But not today, instead he decided on searching up some places he could go to be outside with people. Sabina showed him the ropes of Beach Cities action. Not to say he wasn't already all the good action. But there were some things he found out from her. Like raves and concerts and other experiences. He could bring Jamie to one of those!

Was there one happening randomly on a Wednesday though? Probably? Beach City was a weird place there was no telling really.

Then, he remembered the last rave they went to and cringed. So maybe someplace with loud noise and people isn't the best thing to need at this exact moment. Later probably wouldn't lighten that up either. So what could he convince Jamie to do with him? He never seemed to want to go out anywhere. His job was basically the only important thing to him, and it exhausted him. So no matter what he was always unenergized or mentally off. Which meant he just had to keep that switch from turning off immediately. After diving up the boardwalk one more time he finally came to the conclusion that normal people go on "dinner" dates, and for Jamie's purposes it would be a classic romantic thing. Just enough energy. Maybe not his style though... What else could he do? He could make it his own, after all, that was what he could be good at.

After pulling into Jamie's driveway he sighed, putting the car in park. Then, leaned down in his seat pulling out his phone. It was around 1:20 and he had a few missed texts/notification only one he cared for. Jamie, a few hours ago, told him he would be getting off earlier than usual, around two. Which means he should probably pitch the idea sooner than later.

Oorrr he could make it Kevin style and procrastinate until smoothly having a comeback? That sounded like a good idea.

He really was craving another cigarette. But he fought against the urge and instead made a reservation at one of his favorite places a while away from town. No offense to the beach, but Beach City sucked. The people were fake, there was nothing interesting happening ever, why his parents made him move he had no clue. Especially not here. Only one good thing came from being here, Jamie. Even still he would try to get Jamie over to Empire City as much as possible. The other boy absolutely loved theater and acting, he had a talent as well. Something no one in Kansas saw, but Kevin knew exactly what potential Jamie had. Eventually, he hoped, Jamie would make a community theater in Beach City and share his talent more. Branch out before they take off to his fame.

At that moment Kevin realized how rich he was. He'd never had to work a day, and could literally just take off to Empire City whenever he wanted to. What would happen if his dad canceled his credit card? He would be absolutely poor. That wasn't in his best interest for the rest of his life. Like he could get a job, with this personality? Yeah, he's very charming.

Not even close.

He could never imagine himself working in Beach City or having a normal job. The only thing he was passionate about was dancing, which isn't even a real job. People like being mesmerized, they like feeling warm. Watching Kevin gave people a sense of euphoria or at least watching people test their own physical bounds. He felt as if people didn't get what dancing really is. So he never talks about it, shows it instead through living. And again, dancing isn't a very stable career choice. It gives you basically nothing in return. Plus he wasn't that serious about it, it was just a fun art he taught himself.

All these adult thoughts were not something he needed at the moment. They were actually quite painful. Kevin didn't typically need to think of things like money and work. He always assumed he'd just be with his family forever. It's been about a month an a half and he hasn't seen them. That's almost a new record. They're used to not having each other's presence around, which was pretty okay with him. Once again, he slammed his head into the back seat and groaned. When you're not saying these things aloud, keeping them away and reliving everything it just isn't the best way to think.

Stepping out of the car, after putting the cigarettes in the same place the lighter was, he walked back up to the apartment and went back to their room, knowing the first place Jamie would go would be here. If he was going to be early that was better than a random late decision. Someone like Jamie would need time. He Really was more like a girl than a dude. That's not surprising.

Instead of doing anything productive, there really was nothing, he laid down on Jamie's bed and picked up some random book filled with poems by a chick with the last name Willis. He found one called "The Witch" which he sorta liked. More than all the others at least.

Finally, he heard the door open and close as someone walked into the house. As suspected, this person started walking towards the room and Kevin froze, not knowing what he was supposed to do. Then decided just to relax and leak confidence. Bringing his legs up and folding right over left. Jamie walked in shortly after and breathed out, looking relieved to be home. Which was sad because Kevin knew he liked the job, but it obviously tired him out to be alone for four hours at a desk. Today, however, meant he was only probably alone for a half an hour, meaning more energy. Perfect. The other male didn't even bat an eye towards Kevin as he walked to the bathroom with a casual outfit. He shut the door easily and Kevin heard the normal rustle of pre-shower stripping.

Well...

That was interesting.

Perhaps he didn't see Kevin? Was he just not in a social mood? Well, Kevin couldn't turn back now. He would have to turn on his true charm.

Once that showers done it's Kevin time.

*******

*Sigh*

This was all he needed right now.

A nice hot shower. He forgot how good they were.

Now you're thinking his day must have been pretty horrible if he needed this that much. But really his day was pretty good. No one bitched to him, Ranoldo didn't order anything, and Barb was actually fun to be around. The shower was just a good way to thaw out a cold morning walk around town. He just wanted to let the warm water fall over him forever. But eventually, the water became lukewarm and less romantic. So, he stepped out of the shower and onto a clean grey towel stretching as the water droplets tickled his skin. He loved the feeling of being clean. Especially in his hair and scalp. It made his mind calm down a little when things felt right. And today everything did feel good. His mind was clear, he was fully hydrated and clean, and after looking in the mirror once he didn't feel like killing himself! That's improvement... Maybe.

Now he was a little uncertain. What if his reflection was lying to him? He tied the towel around his waist, after drying his hair and face slightly, and went back to the mirror. Staring once again at the features he didn't like. How big his nose was, and the pores only made it worse. They housed blood and dirt and pus, all things he didn't need at the moment. He watched himself until everything else faded away, and it was only him versus the mirror. And we should all know that mirrors and eyes lie so easily. Too easily. So instead of his own face and humanity to him, he was just watching dirt cascade out of him like it collected inside the cleaner you tried to be. He was transfixed on this, how it looked and represented him. It was consuming what peace you once felt.

And suddenly, familiar arms wrapped around his waist once again. They held him close and protectively pulling him slightly away from his thoughts.

"What did I tell you about staring in the mirror?" Kevin mumbled into Jamie's ear, kissing his neck softly.

"Mmf, nothing..." Jamie trailed off, not fully in the conversation. Kevin grabbed him by the hips and flipped him around so that he was staring into his eyes, and their bodies were pressed with little space between.

"I told you you're beautiful, and whatever you think you see it isn't true." Kevin kissed him softly with a sweetly concerned expression dusting his face, but present, of course, was his lasting smirk. Smaller on this occasion. Jamie blushed slightly and looked down. He found Kevin immensely charming when he acted like this. It wasn't normal boyish hate, and it wasn't fatherly concern. It was like an empathy that went deeper than understanding, but warmed him and could know him without needing an explanation. It was mature as well, but not the kind of mature that leaves you thinking you were inconvenient.

"Now," Kevin moved his hands to Jamie's hips and placed his forehead on his. "We have a reservation for dinner at six twenty, get dressed whenever you want to~" He seductively whispered the last part and kissed his cheek again. Then, walked out of the bathroom winking as he left. Jamie blushed again looking down at the towel on his waist. He smiled slightly at the care Kevin gave his words. People always assumed the worst of him, which makes sense, but he was actually very understanding. Weirdly though from the first time they met. Kevin just got things better than other people.

But what did he say about a reservation? Was this place fancy or casual? He assumed fancy. But he'd wait a while before getting dressed. Instead, he threw on the black V-neck and beige jeans leaving the bathroom with a grin and a happy heart. This wasn't their first date but it was certainly nice to go on one. Everyone can use a little love from time to time. And well, Jamie and Kevin didn't go on dinner dates, that just wasn't Kevin's vibe. But oh Jamie did love the idea of roses and candles and talking, just not the same as last time.

He turned to the closet filled with his nice clothing and brought out a navy blue dress shirt and black jeans. Throwing them on his dresser, then he looked back to Kevin who was staring up at the ceiling in thought. Jamie climbed next to him and kissed his cheek, side hugging him slightly.

"Oh..." Jamie realized and inhaled with it. "Do you uh... Need something socially appropriate for this place?"

"Uh, ow?" Kevin said in mock disbelief before laughing it off and sighing, looking back at the ceiling. "Yeah, I have a black dress shirt if you don't mind me getting all emo on you." Jamie giggled at this, Kevin? An emo? Never.

"I think it'd be hot..." Jamie whispered out before clamping his mouth shut as heat crept into his face. Kevin chuckled and looked back at him, winking.

"Aren't I always?" He asked with a smirk challenging Jamie to say more. But instead of mentioning anything he stayed tight and still where he was, awkwardly confused of what he was supposed to say.

After a few seconds, he felt Kevin turning closer to him and his fingers rested on Jamie's stomach tickling him lightly. And Jamie couldn't help but laugh, he was immensely ticklish ever since birth. Kevin noticed this and cracked a grin, a new idea forming on his face. Jamie was almost afraid of what it could be. But, as Kevin began speeding his fingers up Jamie howelled out a laugh and arched his back.

"S-stop, stop you're killing me!" He laughed out, smiling widely.

"Hmm... Maybe..." Kevin started, looking down with a smirk plastered on his face. "First, admit you think I'm hot." Jamie let out a series of laughter with the hand motions and squirmed in place. When what Kevin said hit him he gapped slightly and blushed, laughing a little more after that.

"God, Kevin," Jamie panted in between laughter. "Why ever would you want that?" He giggled out. At that, Kevin started going faster, making it so Jamie couldn't breathe with the amount of euphoria flowing to his head. He would've feared it had it not been so filled with joy.

As all of this just got too much to bear he wheezed and howelled out laughter again. "Ah- Kevin, enough already." He laughed and whined out together opening his eyes.

"Not until you tell me what I wanna hear~" Kevin sang quietly continuing to torture Jamie with his hands.

"Fine! Fine! You're hot, okay?" Jamie sighed out in relief as Kevin relaxed his tickling.

"I know," Kevin said simply and flipped his hair, falling back on the bed pulling out his phone. Jamie sat up and stared at him for a moment. "What?" Kevin asked making Jamie laugh again. Really?

"You just don't end something like that, Kevin!" He dramatically let out. Kevin looked back at him, giving him a questioning look. To which Jamie laughed inside, feeling the drama zone coming back at him. "You can't leave us in suspense for so long and flatline completely!" Kevin just sat there, mouth agape slightly as he quirked an eyebrow. Tough crowd, but he's dealt with worse.

"Okay-"

"Now! Revise it! Make it drammatic~" Jamie sung with his eyes closed, trying to make the idea appealing to others. Then, he felt himself being pushed back onto the bed, Kevin in between his legs, hands on his ribs again.

"How's this?" He asked challengingly. Jamie then felt Kevin lean over, his arms holding him closer. He shifted slightly in his grip sighing. Then, Kevin moved his head down to Jamie's neck, placing a kiss on the bottom of his jawline then down to the base of his neck. There, Jamie felt a tinge of pain as instead of just his lips Kevin nipped Jamie's neck playfully. Kevin's lips felt different than his fathers, softer and sweeter instead of sloppy and ugly, he made Jamie's heart flutter. Suddenly, he pulled away as Jamie whined grabbing hold of his shirt.

"You're just gonna leave me like that?!" Jamie moaned pulling Kevin back towards him.

"Yes." Kevin put simply, kissing Jamie's lips softly before pulling away completely and standing up.

"Damn you..." Jamie muttered as Kevin walked away, stopping for a moment to turn over his shoulder and wink.

"Just can't have you getting too much of me. You couldn't handle it anyway." Kevin turned back around and formed finger guns in the air. "They say I'm... Addictive~" the words flowed easily through him. Things Jamie assumed he said often. But once Kevin turned out of the room he slammed his head back down onto the sheets gasping in breath.

Oh, of course, he was so over thinking this. But god, Kevin was so fucking hot. Yeah, fucking. He wouldn't use these words if he didn't believe it, and holy shit what just happened?

Kevin... He really was addictive. Like the sweet sweet heroin in his veins, he needed more, called for more, not caring if it would stop his weary sick heart from beating.

But alas his sweet drug moved away
Lost somewhere in his pleading veins
He couldn't live without the sun
Striking his mind to heights far gone
Is this love?
Or human lust?
Could he mind if it was both?

His head and heart moved faster and spun. He laughed giddily, knowing Kevin to be his, but the roller coaster of emotion inside plunged and dipped with his absence. What had just happened wasn't anything big. But finally, he was himself! Not floating on air, he was feeling with Kevin and he wanted it to stay! Nay, he needed the presence didn't want to just drift away.

Once the rush of emotion died down, he felt the drift of reality come hitting back into him. His heart lurched into his throat again and he smiled. Kevin really was a dream. He had no clue why he was feeling the way he did. It was almost insane. They knew each other for about two months and Kevin was full of surprises.

Yeah, yeah, they almost fucked once blah blah blah. But this was different, it evoked real emotion in Jamie. The way Kevin moved, how confident he was. He was just so... so, handsome. It was like Jamie's childhood dreams but better, more human and realistic. Because Kevin struggled a lot too. He was human, unlike a knight in shining armor, or a princess in a tower all kids dream about. Kevin was more like the plays he decided to write, dreamy and in front of everyone, always attracting negative attention, but sometimes good drifts in as well.

Sighing out once again, Jamie smiled inwardly. Another bubbling of giddiness rising in his throat and face. Everything he felt burbled to the surface in painful laughter, the feeling left him refreshed and gleeful.

He stayed like this, dazed for some time. And when he came back to reality it was around 4:20, too much time between seeing Kevin again. Where did the other male go anyway? Outside or just to the living room? Whatever, he would be back soon if he went out, and Jamie didn't really want to seem too needy. But alas, boredom still overtook his mind when he finished needing to think about Kevin, however, the feeling still stayed. But he fought the urge to stare at himself in the mirror again, and instead looked at the outfit he picked out for tonight. It was simple enough and would probably not look horrible on him. The blue, his mother told him, complimented his complexion, which he agreed with. Black just went well with it and was simply fitting, didn't distract too much from his personality. Which, might he just say, is quite huge. He hoped tonight would be fun, just like the books and cliches he knew so well. They were always so smooth and filled with understanding, Jamie wanted that for himself. To know what it felt like to be so absorbed in conversation that no one else truly had to matter. He could feel like the center of the world and everything would be fine.

No pressure...

~~~~~~~

Walking, waiting, watching, doing nothing. You're caught in your head again. A cigarette between your lips, a hand pressed into your side. You feel no regret, you feel only joy, but it's blocked by this constant knowledge of the traumatic past. But, it doesn't control you. You breathe out the smoke and smile slightly. Life can be okay.

Kevin was walking along the boardwalk with nothing in his mind but everything. Thought rushed in and out of him too easily, as if it wasn't meant to stick for long. Like life could just fade away with calming smoke in the air. It was around four thirty and he just wanted to let all of these thoughts fade with their time. He was blazing with all this pent-up emotion.

Why now? He asked himself, knowing the evening would be painful if he didn't want to talk. In moments like these, it was easy to forget speaking was vital because he didn't know what it meant to talk when all the feeling and meaning was choked out. Kevin was actually feeling great not too long ago, but then his cravings grew too much, and now there was nothing to latch onto for hope.

Yeah... He sounded edgy. But all of this is true. And painful to know, Because you don't just have a mind without thought or being.

He'd have to pull it together soon. Or the more undone he would be. Watching the ropes of reality fade, yeah he just shouldn't be another problem, another mistake.

Sighing, Kevin walked further down the boardwalk, taking another long drag of the cigarette and blowing it out easily, with little purpose left.

How to be happy.

Step 1. ... ... ... ... Failed to compute

Well, that worked well. Happiness was just a chemical, right? So how could he produce it?

Talking to Jamie, being with Jamie, and literally doing anything with Jamie. Raves could work as well... Not as good though. He was really dependent on Jamie to make him want to live, which isn't healthy because what happens without him? He would distance himself if he didn't need Jamie.

Three Two One

Three Two One

Three Two One

Continuing until you can finally be happy again. How long will it be until this calms down? Maybe a distraction? People's hatred?

Kevin decided to walk up and down the boardwalk for another forty minutes, occupied with his thoughts.

After going through two more cigarettes he walked back up to Jamie's apartment. Hoping for the smell of smoke to not stick.

As he walked inside he didn't expect to literally be walking into a hippies dream.

Did you know Jamie liked to burn incense?

Well, Kevin didn't until now. And it's weird to walk in on it as well because Jamie is really a theater kid. Obviously, he was already done, but Kevin could imagine him dancing with the burning flame. Happily and prancing around in gayness. Yes. Gayness.

The house was pretty silent except for the low hum of a toon carried to Jamie's voice. Kevin decided to sift through the bag he brought forever ago. Finding the black dress shirt he thought he might need. Jamie did the laundry weekly, sometimes more, and washed everything clean, so Kevin's clothing smelt of the soft sweet detergent. He laughed slightly at that. Soft boy Jamie...

He was a soft boy. No arguing it.

Kevin smiled to himself, so some things in life were good and wholesome. He walked, with the shirt and a pair of black jeans over an arm, to the bathroom stripping easily.

He would never understand how Jamie could hate himself. One Kevin thought himself to be incredibly attractive making him not able to relate, and he also found Jamie amazingly beautiful, he didn't deserve to hate himself.

Kevin stared at himself in the mirror as he buttoned the shirt up and didn't tuck it in. Then pulled the dog tags he typically wore over his head, popping the first button undone and frayed the collar. Lastly, rolling up the sleeves to just below his elbow. Then looked in the mirror again, thinking something was off. Nodding his head and flashing a deep smirk to the glass. That was it, as long as he had the smirk and showed as much skin as possible without being rash, he could be appealing and appalling. The perfect combination.

He left the restroom after rummaging in one of Jamie's many drawers filled with "smell good" items (the best way Kevin could describe it), attempting to find his own. This one was actually quite Jamie's speed, it wasn't too strong and smelt slightly of what Heaven may be. At least that's what Jamie thought, Kevin barely noticed it half the time. But once he found it, he sprayed around his entirety and in his hair, fluffing that a bit because why the hell not? Then, he looked back to the mirror, flashing it a smirk. It wasn't hard for him to realize one more thing that could make him have less pressure, staring at himself. He had to admit he was gorgeous. He was on point, beautiful, perfect! Absolutely perfect. No one was bringing him down from this cloud of self-love right now. This time, he actually did smirk at the mirror, in a gaze of devilish bliss. This was what he was supposed to be, not stuck in self-loathing tendencies. Because truly he believed he was the perfect person. Everyone was obsessed with him after all, right?

Back inside reality, Kevin walked over to Jamie, who was dressed up already, lying down hands folded over his chest and one foot up. He seemed dazed in thought. Kevin reached over him with on arm, making sure to sift his hand around Jamie's side as he looked for his phone. Jamie gave him a questioning look and Kevin just smiled slightly, finding his phone and flashing it to Jamie for a second. Then, he sat down, back on the wall, next to Jamie. The time showed 5:40, they would have to leave in ten minutes to get there, and neither of them seemed to want to wait.

Kevin sighed and checked another social media site, watching as a group chat blew up with randomness.

A/N

I have a problem with mentioning food, so the next scene is going to be a little awkward I apologize.

******

The hour came, and Jamie was basically bouncing off the walls of his soul in excitement. Which Kevin visibly found very weird, considering they have basically lived together for a few months. But really Jamie never got the opportunity to do things like this, his social life was seriously just his mother, Steven, Barb, and Mayor Dewey, which is sad. But this place wasn't just a social experience with the man he loved, it was a whole other world he never saw. He was practically skipping when a nicely dressed waiter brought Kevin and him to a seat in the back of the place, next to a window. It was basically everything he imagined. A white-clothed table with two reddish brown wooden chairs (with red leather padding) across from each other, and to top it all off a classic white candle was in the center. Jamie clapped and slid into the chair on the further side, tapping his feet to the ground with a wide grin. He knew Kevin wouldn't care how nerdy he was being, but his palms did start to sweat with the idea of himself being too awkward. Trying to chill out and act like this was just something he always did, as Kevin was obviously very good at doing. Jamie was kinda addicted to the way Kevin so easily looked around and read the menu, while Jamie just stared at him like this was some foreign language he didn't pick up on.

When Kevin looked up, catching Jamie's eye, he gave him a smirk and quirked his eyebrow. To which Jamie choked and looked away.

"New to this?" He asked Jamie, knowing full well that he wasn't the most dated person.

"I'm good!" He replied straightening his back as he opened the menu full of odd sounding, probably French, words.

Hachis Parmentier, Moules Marinières, Tartiflette, Blanquette de Veau, Soupe à L'oignon, Sole Meunière... He would be completely lost without the English subtitles and descriptions of what these dishes were. Whatever the Tartiflette was sounded alright, he'd get that. So he placed the menu down and took a dainty sip of water looking around again. The place was insanely fancy, he had no clue anywhere like this existed near Beach City. Who was he to say he knew anything though.

The waiter came around again, a huge smile on his face as he spoke, voice dripping of charismatic charm. Jamie's mouth opened slightly, this man was really quite attractive.

"Bonjour! How may I help you, gentilhomme?"

Jamie gave him his order, studdering over the words. The man smiled at him and wrote down the words, then looked at Kevin with the same smile. However, his eyes radiated some sort of deep want and asking if he could have it when he looked at Kevin. Jamie was slightly confused, did they know each other?

"Nous aimerions tous les deux avoir Cognac"

What. The. Fuck? When did Kevin learn French?

More importantly, why did the guy look so pleased?

"Ah et pour un repas?"

Okay... What was happening?

"Coq au Vin, merci." Kevin smirked at him and the other lingered for a moment, before leaving with the order. Jamie watched as he left.

"Well..." Jamie mentioned, catching Kevin's view again. "I didn't know you knew French."

Kevin sighed and leaned over the table, attention dragging deep into Jamie's. He smirked and looked at him challengingly.

"pourquoi pense qu'il chaud?"

"Er... Translate for me?" Jamie asked laughing slightly.

"Why? Think it's hot?" Kevin said, smiling to himself. Jamie blushed and looked down, tightening his posture.

"I- er- uh heh ha. Um...Maybe..." Kevin only smiled and watched Jamie be a stuttering mess. So maybe he couldn't be just like the people in all the romance novels and movies. Of course, he had to be the reason things like this didn't always work. Kevin just flustered him sometimes.

"I know~ I'm amazing." Kevin purred lowly, making Jamie's cheeks heat up with flittery fireflies. Kevin's self-confidence was the least contagious thing, but it made him all the more attractive. "So, tell me, why are you so hyped for tonight, baby?" Kevin asked as Jamie untensed and laughed a little awkwardly again.

"It's just so surreal!" Jamie excitedly whispered out, trying not to disturb the chill atmosphere. Kevin looked at him questioningly, as if that wasn't the answer he wanted or expected. Jamie looked back to him and smiled brightly.  "It's as if this long desert I've lived in and walked with gave me an oasis where I haven't seen health!" Jamie dramatically gesticulated with the words he projected. Watching as Kevin blinked a few times out of shock.

"Translation?" He asked laughingly, relating back to earlier. Sighing, Jamie rolled his eyes, Kevin was never good at understanding his metaphors. 

"This is a new experience for me..." Kevin laughed again, making Jamie stare at him in slight annoyance or disbelief. "What?"

"Nothing, but I can tell." 

"Pfffff..." Jamie looked away feeling his face heat up once again. Of course, Kevin made him all anxious and he couldn't make a sexy come back or something to make himself feel good. Jamie just wasn't built for flirting in common day language, his own poetic sense was not understood by the masses, and Kevin just simply wouldn't get it. But he promised himself one day he would crack open all of his perfect poetry right on Kevin.  The best thing he could do was return all the love in poetics, they always made the other person feel like a love song.

"Guess no one got to be as lucky as me..." Kevin mumbled loudly, obviously intending for Jamie to hear, but not wanting him to at the same time. Jamie only choked on laughter and disbelief. No one thought of him as special or important, he was sure. And most of him still believed Kevin didn't even like that much. Which was weird yes, but you can't reason with him.
Actually, in his mind he never understood why people didn't want him. But eventually he came to terms with the idea that sometimes people just can't feel the same and deeply as he may. And a feeling of peace crossed over his head as he admitted it, but that peace was tainted by the tension in the air. Most of it made by Jamie for not saying what he wanted to, and Kevin not knowing what to say based on that.
Like shit, Jamie had someone for once to give his love to but he couldn't even talk to them correctly... what happened to those months basically living together? Shouldn't he have confidence by now? Maybe it's time-
But right as he was thinking of something and getting that face on, the waiter came back with two reddish brown looking drinks placing them down in a way that his arm brushed Jamie's shoulder. He apologized in French and winked back at Jamie, making Kevin tense and fold his arms, leaning back. But Jamie just smiled and laughed slightly, accepting the apology. He didn't understand why Kevin was acting so closed off, when he looked back Kevin wasn't, neither was he trying to engage. Instead he just watched as the waiter left as Jamie did before.
So they were both getting sparks of jealousy from that guy, weird. It's practical for Jamie to, after all Kevin and him related because of their French speaking, Jamie and the dude had no relations at all. So if Kevin wanted to be mad at anyone it shouldn't be Jamie.

"What's that look for?" Jamie asked defensively, and Kevin sighed turning back on that dashing smirk. You know he didn't really get to appreciate Kevin's aesthetic for the night, but he actually looked rather good. Which isn't unusual for Kevin, but even without the neon colors and loud expensive taste he could still pull the look off. Jamie slightly envied it, but was glad it was also his.

"Hmm?" Kevin asked calming his expression. Of course he kept himself together, obviously he had to learn that.
"Nothing..." Jamie replied, he didn't want to ruin the mood in any way. Which was there, yet with the same tedious tension. Jamie knew he should say something more, to understand more. Conversation was natural, and could come easy to most. But it's just not the same with Kevin, it's hard to talk to him. Because he seems to understand nothing, but truly underneath he gets a lot of life. And if you say the wrong thing it's like reality might crash in on him. Plus, you never know what he's thinking. He's good at hiding. Too good.

"Why do you hide yourself all the time?" Jamie asked, already getting deep with little regret. Kevin was obviously taken aback for a moment before leaning back onto the table with his elbows. He was about to speak, but Jamie cut him off. "And don't give me bullshit, Kevin. I know you."

"Hah" Kevin breathed out, not taking this too seriously, as always. "I'm always real with you, baby."

"And yet you still hide." Sighing at Jamie's persistence, Kevin gave in. To which Jamie smiled brightly inside at his accomplishment.

"People... don't like anger."

"And that means?"

"I have issues with calming my head."

"Okay... can you tell me more?" Kevin sighed and leaned back in his chair again. Obviously he didn't want to describe much, but Jamie could see the thoughts of everything he said about trust running through his head. Jamie was actually very interested in this, he could tell a lot of things pissed Kevin off, but he didn't know it was such a problem.

"Ever heard of IED?"

"No?" Okay... a start.

"Well your lookin' at him. Improvised explosive disorder."

"Oh..."

"Yeah."
Well Jamie wasn't expecting that. He didn't deal with mental illnesses very well, didn't know much about any of them. And if both Kevin and he had them isn't that kinda toxic?
Jamie always hated the idea of himself having some sort of disorder. But he found that the best art came from it, like Shakespeare and Picasso. So if theater was the same way, Jamie was okay with his anxiety. Maybe that was a good point to being up to Kevin in this moment of vulnerability.
"You know, the best art comes from people like us. As if we were meant to see life differently, so to bring our own view to life through art. People understand agony if we put it into art, words or portrayals." Jamie felt his words reverberate through him and leave a mark of knowledge he hadn't known before. It brought him some sort of comfort knowing what he could do in the drama zone.

"I don't get your poetry shit, hun I'm sorry."
And there is went, his bubble of confidence and joy, torn to shreds again because of a few simple words. His drama zone shivered inside itself as he portrayed the same actions. Making Kevin stare at him blinking, no one could've expected that randomly. But that was Jamie for you, he didn't know if he was more annoying than anything, but he liked who he was, kinda. And before Jamie had the opportunity to say anything the fucking waiter returned.

"Coq au Vin Pour Vous." He set the plate down in front of Kevin daintily doing the same for Jamie.
"Et Tartiflette pour vous"
But for a second he lingered there, looking down at Jamie with a smile.
"appelez-moi si vous avez besoin d'autre chose, belle" he said seductively, which Jamie had no clue meant, but he directed it towards him. Probably knowing Jamie didn't speak a word of French. But he smiled still and let the waiter leave them alone. When he yet again focused his attention back on Kevin his arms were crossed defensively and his lips in some sort of pouting way as he leaned back in the chair. 
"I uh... well what did he say this time?" Jamie asked laughingly.
"appelez-moi si vous avez besoin d'autre chose, belle. Which means,  call me if you need 'something' else, beautiful." Kevin put a suggestive hint on the word something and Jamie froze. That wasn't anything big, but he was weirded out by the thought of this. But he laughed it off awkwardly and smiled back at Kevin, who was staring down at his plate.
"Uhh..." Jamie didn't know what the hell to do. Kevin probably wouldn't be happy about this, even if it was smallish. It made them both uncomfortable, but Kevin had IED, this probably seemed a lot bigger in his head than it was. And maybe being quiet was his way to internalize all that frustration. So, Jamie would let him. What else could he do? He truly was hopeless when it came to things like this, actually he almost didn't want it to go away though. If his life was the same as all those fairy-tales then it wouldn't be Kevin, and it wouldn't be him. They just fit weirdly, even if one was a steaming asshole and the other someone trying to just get through life as nice as possible. Yeah, opposite but not so different in the end.
Jamie just focused on his plate again, filling the silence for both of them wouldn't be too hard. He could ramble on about anything if he wanted to, and so he did.
Between bites of food Jamie talked about how he one day wished to continue more with theater, and open it up to Beach City. Kevin didn't show much emotion towards the subject, or anything for that matter. But he was nodding his head along, which made Jamie need to keep talking. Maybe he could get a few words out before the night ends.

~~~~~~~
You don't know much about life. And what you do know is cloudy, stiff, opinionated. Because life isn't really something you can control. It isn't something we can be taught how to have, or to live in it easily. Really, life is just another step of what is and is not living. You don't know, you could be dead and still moving on. You don't know.
And tonight you're pretty sure you're dead. Because this pressure on your head is pushing so hard down it's like thought is being choked out of you.
You think, maybe I created the pressure, maybe it is my fault I am this way. And you wish you could talk, you fear it wouldn't last if you did. But you hear someone else talking, and you think again.
Because damn, is that person confident. They're feeling and letting it explode out of them, and you're okay with it. So you nod along.
By now you'd never wonder why they don't care, sometimes it isn't not caring but a coping strategy. It could and doesn't have to work.
You suppose there's no point in holding on like this, that no one was hurt and neither were you. All that happened were oblivious words. So why does it matter so much? What would you even do?
And that thought calms you slightly, because it's right. You can't do much, it's over now. All you truly want to do is be away, in heaven. But not the clouds, your own heaven. The kind that is only created when you find something to bring you to a state of nirvana when your head is being pulled apart.

Jamie...

Kevin looked up for the first time in a while. He noticed that it had almost been an hour and a half of him just listening to Jamie, and he was okay with it. Maybe he would listen more from then on. Jamie had a very interesting outlook, an optimistic yet pessimistic one. So, listening to him meant there was always passion. Sometimes he broke out into sonnet like writing, other times his voice sounded normal, but his arms moved widely to gesticulate a point. It was insane how much energy he had, How even after forever it could all be pent up and explode when you get to mention everything important to you. It made Kevin feel important. Just because he was allowed to sit there and listen to passion, passion unlike any human he'd ever met. Not even Sabina. He was just so... real. Maybe that's why Kevin took such a liking to him the first few times Jamie pulled him from his house. And perhaps he stayed after cutting himself deeply, because Jamie looked like he actually cared. He actually didn't want Kevin to die, and Kevin started to realize that no matter what they did, he always brought the mood down by allowing himself to be angered beyond necessary. Maybe hurt beyond importance, like an empty black void that crowded over him and wanted to say "You don't matter." And he wouldn't let it.
But how could he stop? The pressure didn't, the burning wouldn't. It couldn't be his fault. But it had to be if he reacted so painfully.
The waiter came back with a check and cleared the table. Jamie, of course, opted to pay. But Kevin instead grabbed the little booklet and popped his credit card in. Places like this were too expensive for Jamie's pay check. Plus, Kevin felt like he owed Jamie for being such a disaster. Money couldn't fix that, it could just say "I'm not a dick as well." And Kevin was fine with that for now. The dumbass waiter came back taking the check and purposefully brushed his side onto Jamie's shoulder as he walked back towards wherever they go. Kevin gritted his teeth and tried to control his bubbling anger. Jamie was his, no one else's, his. And no one could take that from him. So why would he be so mad at someone who tried? Because he knew that maybe, just maybe, they could treat Jamie better than he could ever. That thought was painful. And it made him feel the need to prove himself, or to hunt all others away.
But this guy also angered him beyond the whole "I wanna be better" bullshit. Because he was male and probably not straight, he knew they were on a date. It was obvious, and he still tried his efforts at French flirting. Which Jamie would fucking love, because he just loves romance shit, and French is beautiful. It wasn't even flirting, it was like saying "I just wanna fuck your face off sleeping beauty, meet me out back."
Kevin would be surprised if the guy didn't outright say that. More importantly, this guy was so forward with what he wanted when he came back he smiled and handed Kevin the book, then moved around again so that he was behind Jamie. He places his hands on the seat back and whispered
"Salut beau," he pauses between words to drag a hand down from Jamie's shoulder, making Jamie tense and laugh slightly. That's when Kevin realized he probably gave Jamie too much to drink, he didn't have a tolerance like Kevin.
"quelque chose de plus que je peux faire pour vous?" Jamie just laughed again and looked back to the man behind him. Obviously his anxiety was lowered, but still present. Kevin wanted to see how this would play out. At the same time he wanted to be a player and tell the other guy to fuck off. And mind you, Jamie wasn't drunk. Just tipsy and less conscious.

"I have no clue what you're saying, but sure!" The guy was a little taken aback by this, as was Kevin. He smirked though and looked straight at Kevin, winking.
So this guy was a home wrecker, and he did it on purpose in front of the other. That's fucking shitty. Kevin grimaced and crosses his arms, leaning down again. He didn't know what the hell to do. But then the dude kissed Jamie's cheek and took him by the hand to standing, forcing his arms around Jamie's waist and kissed his neck slightly, looking back at Kevin again. That was the last straw, and the saddest part, Jamie seemed to be fine with it. Kevin had to remind himself that Jamie wasn't feeling the most like himself right now, but it didn't help that it was still Jamie.
Honestly, he didn't know what to do. He felt like running and just forgetting all of this tomorrow, but he also felt like punching this dude out making him fucking sorry he touched his Jame.
Instead, he sighed and stood up. Taking his credit card and tapped Jamie's shoulder. He turned and looked at Kevin, smiling.
Of course he didn't know what he just did to Kevin, of course. He'd have to explain IED more, but later. Right now he stabbed Jamie's wrist and pulled him to the exit, throwing his middle finger to the waiter who just shrugged and walked away. Kevin walked Jamie to the car, basically putting him into the passenger seat then let himself in and drove off fast.
His mind raced with annoyingly painful thoughts, how fucking frustrated he was with himself and life. Never with Jamie though, never with Jamie. He just didn't know Betty today. And that fucking waiter for his paws over his Jamie. His. Jamie. No one else's, it just wasn't right.
He felt the need to calm down be overpowered by a surge of new emotion rushing through his head like waves of hate over him. The sensation of a knife in his hand, crushing into his own or someone else's skin. It felt right.
And the scar on his arm from last time tingled, saying "add more, add more. I am your only hope!" And some part of Kevin wanted it, desperately. But he was driving with a sick person in the passenger seat, who wouldn't be so accepting when he found more scars. Kevin had too many of those, but just enough for him to feel like he mattered. Jamie didn't know the whole story, he also didn't know about Sabina, which made this worse. Because it was almost just like her, if he ran it might've ended that way as well. But this was Jamie, he wasn't thinking right. And Kevin was thinking too much for someone like him. He had all this weight, but at the same time hope was being even worse of weight than the actual pain. Because it was supposed to relieve him, instead it crushed his heart with less knowledge.
What was wrong with him? So small, so small, but not right. Just another nick in his heart, like he didn't matter.
This is why he needs attention, affection, constant knowledge that people love him. Even when they don't. But being ignored as if he didn't even matter? That was soul crushing to a person like him.

The car ride was a long silent one, Jamie just groggily closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair, mouth parted slightly, Kevin would've found him adorable had he cared at the moment.
Instead, Kevin just gripped the steering wheel and pressed the gas peddle down hard. This was the best thing he could think of doing, the healthiest at least. He promised himself he wouldn't get lost inside his own head again. And it couldn't end like last time, because they were both fucked up. And two fucked up people were just wrong. But isn't that what society couldn't handle? Being wrong?
Of course they couldn't. Because corrections are needed huh?
Well, societies fucked.
Once the car jerked to a stop in Jamie's parking lot Kevin slammed the door open then shut, opening Jamie's and dragging him out by the hand. He pulled them both up to Jamie's apartment and slammed yet another door shut.
And suddenly he had Jamie pressed up against one of his side tables, his hands holding him upright behind him, Kevin slammed his lips onto Jamie's heavily. Making sure to leave memory in his place. He didn't let it turn soft and sweet, instead thrusting his tongue deep into Jamie's mouth, letting his pain flow through them passionately. And when they both lost air he moved his lips sloppily down to the same place on Jamie's neck as before. Kissing it before sucking harder and bruising the skin, as Jamie gasped and let out deeply shrill moans. Jamie was his, no one else's, and he would make them see. He would make Jamie remember him.