******
Imagine your world crashing down on you, then lifting, then falling back harder, and finally coming up into some bliss you can't know, but desperately need to. Like reaching for something out of your grasp. 

Well, that's exactly how Jamie's life felt these past few months with Kevin. See he wasn't used to all this attention, neither was he used to a ton of fucked up problems and feeling the weight of the world constantly on him. But then it leaves when he can do something, talking or just being there even helps. And he supposes that Kevin actually does make him feel better.
Now last night, well that didn't end well. He was a bit tipsy and having some trouble controlling himself, and how else do you react when someone is flirting and having a bit of fun with you, well Jamie's mind just went along with it. Bad choice. 

Kevin was pissed. 

And the weirdest thing is how he responded to it when they both got back here.
Must Jamie mention that he was going to have to cover his neck? It was covered in hickeys which he would probably end up needing to put ice on them or something, but they didn't hurt so much so he assumed it was fine. 

Oh and mind you nothing happened last night but the bruises covering his neck. Jamie could tell Kevin knew that it would be considered rape had he done so. 

Maybe tipsy wasn't the right word... whatever French drink he had last night was strong. He had no clue how Kevin didn't get buzzed after one sip. But anyhow, that sequencing was weird to Jamie, however, he enjoyed it. And after another hour they started talking again. Kevin mentioned his IED and what happened during it, between mindless flirting and Jamie asking about life and what would happen. Because he was very concerned with what he had just done, and really he didn't want Kevin to feel bad. He reassured him, telling him it was all just a mistake. Apologizing over and over again because he truly did feel sorry, and he knew there was no way in hell he would ever do that again. He couldn't lose his head. 

But moving on, he'd have to find a way to cover these bruises. Saturday's and Sunday's were primary mail days. In Beach City, he was always supposed to go on his route, especially because his customers would hassle him if they didn't get their mail on time (Renaldo). Plus he got money, which makes the reason he wakes up at four in the morning and leaves at five. Another one cause of his loneliness. But he didn't mind it that much. Not with Kevin around at least.
So, in the darkness of this morning, he groaned and moved to sit up in the sheets, but was suddenly pulled back down to the mattress and felt Kevin climb over him, kissing his lips first, then down his neck again.

"Kevin..." he groaned and saw the whites of Kevin's eyes looking back at him, Kevin was truly precious, especially without the tuff guy exterior. As much as he wanted to just stay like this he had work to do. Majorly including covering the marks all over him. So, he placed a hand on Kevin's shoulder and slid it down his chest, then pushed him to the side off of him. Kevin whined slightly at that, Jamie just rolled his eyes and stood up walking over to his closet and got out his uniform. He just changed in the room instead of elsewhere, it seemed fine. However, he was still immensely insecure. The darkness did little to calm that down as well, but they were comfortable with each other enough so that changing in the darkness where you can barely see a silhouette shouldn't be that hard.  Yet to Jamie, it would never be easy. He still feared others view, his body image wasn't the best. As he focused hard on trying to buckle the belt around his hips he didn't hear Kevin force himself out of their bed and move groggily over towards him, Jamie was then jerked from his concentration by the feeling of Kevin and his skin together, as Kevin kissed the back of his head and down his neck, arms around his waist. Jamie laughed slightly and winced as well sometimes at his tender skin being touched yet again. "Mm, Kevin..." He breathed out, not entirely trying to move away. He liked this feeling of closeness. But at the same time, he couldn't get distracted by this, even if he would rather just stay here and skip work there were bills to pay. Plus if he ever wanted to get out of Beach City he would have to start saving again, Kansas was a fail, but doing his own thing would be better, it would mean more his style production. "Kevin... I have to-" 

"I know" Kevin mumbled against his neck, still not letting go, but all the same rocking them both in place. Just this simple movement was surprisingly calming, Jamie didn't realize just how much stress was leaning down on him at the time. Kevin's touch was almost absorbent as if taking away fear he didn't need or want. However, in some cases, it only added more anxiety, like saying he couldn't be enough. The thought of anxiety wasn't something he really needed right now though. So, hesitantly he sighed and turned around, kissing Kevin's forehead lightly before pulling away and picking his shirt from off the floor. He pulled it on as Kevin whined behind him. Jamie just laughed and walked to the restroom, flicking a light switch on and moving straight to the mirror. His whole neck was completely bruised. There was no way he could hide this. 

"Keeevvviinnn!" He moaned sadly and slightly pissed. 

"Already ahead of you." He heard Kevin groan out groggily and felt a shirt be thrown at his back, picking it up he looked at it, a red turtleneck. 

"You know how hot this will get?" He called back as Kevin walked into the same room sleepily, he slumped down on the wall next to Jamie. 

"You know you deserve it." He put huskily, making Jamie's skin shiver and his heart rate quicken. Kevin was right though and Jamie just grunted in response, turning back to the mirror. He cringed at the thought of people seeing all the bruises, people would think Kevin was more abusive than just sexual, which wasn't the best way to get attention. 

"Can I just use one of your scarfs?" 

"Wouldn't cover enough." Kevin yawned smirking still. "Maybe that's a good thing..." 

"What does that mean?" Jamie whisper shrieked, turning around and leaned on the counter with his hands. 

"I'm just saying..."  Kevin's smirk grew as he walked closer to Jamie, "People should like to know that you're mine~" He sang lowly, letting his voice travel deep into Jamie's skin. Maybe it sounded a little controlling, but these words were almost comforting. As if no one was leaving. As if he could just be for someone else. But, it also radiated possession and almost a painful kind of love. The kind where after being in love for so long you start to need to pull it out of yourself. To destroy what causes it. That thought was frightening and dangerously poetic. 

"You know how horrible that could be interpreted, right?" Kevin seemed to think for a moment, a frown covering the horrible smirk he held before. He grimaced and turned out of the bathroom heavily. Jamie sighed and changed yet again, staring back into the mirror. Instead of the typical white shirt, it was replaced by his red turtleneck, which completely clashed with the pale blue uniform. But he would have to deal with it. 

Looking closer for a few more seconds he realized that a part of another bruise was showing slightly. But he was hopeful it wasn't noticeable. The thought of someone noticing anything like this sent his heart into a state where it was painfully ripping through him again. His whole body cringed as he breathed through this painful shot of emotion. It wouldn't last forever, but it almost choked him with the power of it. 

This was different from all the other times he felt his heart beat too fast, this was as if his heart was failing. 

And just as soon as the pain had come, it left. Leaving him in some sort of cold that he shivered with. Straightening up comfortably, Jamie sighed, emptiness aching slowly in his heart. He couldn't do much to fix that, and he had places to be. And he still had about thirty minutes till he truly had to leave. So, he just walked to the kitchen to make himself tea. Jamie was never a fan of the whole "Breakfast matters" thing, he wasn't too into eating so early in the morning. So as he walked back over to his living room with a cup of steaming chamomile, he noticed Kevin sprawled out on the couch, looking up to the ceiling sadly. To make room, he moved Kevin's legs out of the way, without any sound from either of them. But soon into the silence, he heard Kevin shift to a more comfortable lying down position.

"You know I'd never do that, right?" Kevin spoke suddenly, taking Jamie by surprise. It took him a second to let the words sink in, but when they did he coughed slightly half understanding. 

"W-what?" 

"Nothing," Kevin mumbled and Jamie just sat there, open-mouthed still pondering what he meant. Saying nothing was such a Kevin thing to do, and Jamie hated that. Nothing was like ending everything that could have been and had the potential to be great. But Jamie didn't have the guts to tell Kevin this yet. He felt that it might be a little too bold, considering they might've been making progress before Jamie didn't want to ruin that. 

Communication was the most important thing to Jamie. 

For some reason he wanted to understand things about people, and get to know their life and who they are. He liked watching from the sidelines sometimes, but he wanted to be in line as well. Talking with people, making life interesting and worth it. But ugly anxiety always showed its teeth. To do anything bold was like screaming at himself to just die, his heart of fire and bones soaked in gasoline. It's easiest to burn in flames instead of finding the power to even slightly reach for water to calm it. 

Now if you find one person to just let in, one person who can understand what you are and how you feel then anxiety shouldn't power your entirety. With Kevin though it was like he had to fear saying the wrong thing or hurting him on accident. He didn't want Kevin to leave. Kevin was really his only hope for safety. Without him he was sure to be stuck in the deep loneliness, he needed to hold on. 

But what would holding on do? Make him run farther? Jamie would never be able to know how Kevin felt without COMMUNICATION. 

Kevin seemed to prefer physical contact over talking. As if just touching was enough for him. Didn't he ever wonder what was going on in Jamie's head? Did he even want to know? 

Eventually, when he looked up and out of thought and tea again, he noticed Kevin was basically knocked out beside him. And he had to leave immediately. So, he grabbed his keys and ran out of the house, locking the door out of habit and started down to the post office. 

********

Sorting through mail isn't always the most fun thing. Especially when you never get mail yourself, because no one really cared enough to write you a nice letter. Jamie loved getting mail and writing letters to people, it was way more formal and intriguing than texting. Like you could just be alone and exquisite through a pen as if reality means more naturally. 

So working as a mailman actually fit him quite well. It was just the loneliness that went along with the job, plus it was hard to keep his hands from opening other people's mail. He didn't think many people enjoyed writing letters to each other, there was rarely any out mail except from the old folks anyway. 

But of course, he always had to come out and keep the flow running. There would be more of a need for him one day, even if he was just the lowly mailman. 

He walked away from the post office and started on his route absorbed in thought. His mind was allowed to travel and dance in the quiet of the early morning, it created insane places where he would only ever be able to dream of getting. Typically, Jamie was always in his head, and that wasn't good. But sometimes it was nice to just look at what could be instead of what is. He stopped at the Barriga household and left them a few letters, most just junk mail. 

Unfortunate for the past and present, giving letters became a way for trade in unneeded business claims. Like the future taking over. And eventually, not even they would be mailing random hope to taxpayers. Everything would just be on the internet. Thinking this made Jamie sigh and frown, he didn't like the idea of writing going to waste. Where it could be beautiful on paper it isn't because of pain. 

He should start writing more. 

And maybe he would because people would read and understand right? They wouldn't just need to get over his voice, instead, it would travel in symphonies. 

Communication... 

And suddenly it hit him, what Kevin said before he left 

"You know I'd never do that, right?"

Jamie mentally cursed himself for not getting it at the time. This was one of those rare moments when Kevin showed what he actually felt. And what did Jamie do? He didn't understand. Meaning there would be less reason for him to speak truth instead of some randomness of flattery or just surface talk. God he messed up. 

~~~~~~

Kevin would never be able to wake up at fucking four am every morning. 

He wondered how the hell Jamie could even imagine doing so. 

Sleep was never easy for him of course. Nightmares, the pure inability to want to sleep. Sometimes constant exhaustion just isn't enough. 

So when he found himself languidly splayed out over Jamie's couch he only sighed and groaned out loudly, knowing that it was probably like twelve or something. And he wasn't too far off, it was more like eleven fifty. And as he sat up he realized just how fucking horrible he felt. His head in both kinds of pain, pressure, and piercing. Oh, and just to top it all off he was desperately hankering a cigarette, yeah it seems like a small needless thing, but he was remembering the past days. When it was even worse. 

He told himself he wasn't allowed to think of anything else before he helped himself. 

So after fumbling around in Jamie's kitchen for like ten minutes he finally popped two Advils into his mouth and drank barely any water, he attempted to go back to sleep and rid himself of his shitty mind. 

Finally, after at least an hour, his head was clearing slightly. Allowing more room for other thought, which turned out to be a bad thing. Because apparently, all his mind wanted was fucking bullshit nicotine as did his body. Kevin seriously despised his choices right then. Why would he do any of that? Oh right, because his past and shit. What. The. Fuck. Ever. 

And he must not have been in the clearest mindset because what happened next was definitely not an educated decision. 

Next thing we know he's tearing through Beach City, cigarette in mouth, all the way up to his parent's home.

Lucky for us they weren't home. Now to Kevin, this didn't seem like such a big deal, because again he wasn't thinking. If they were home he'd be in some deep shit perhaps. However, once he stepped foot into the abandoned house he shivered, feeling the same tension of his mind throughout all emptiness. Oh, of course, he has to know things, remember what kind of stupid reality he was living in. But no, he was happy with his life! Parties and chicks and other worthless fake things. 

Okay... So you an I are both lost now. Kevin walks further into the house, trying to reel back the flourish of thought running through his head, he cringes with the weight of it and curses himself gritting his teeth. This afternoon was completely worthless and getting him nowhere. Actually, he forgot why he was doing any of this. But, instead of complain for his rash impulsivity he just went along with his mind, keeping the lights off and playing some random mood music on his radio. Maybe this was a calming mechanism. 

He went outside and threw down the cigarette, stamping it out. 

You know how they say home is a calming place? Or maybe just that the place you live should be your own, the way out of the storm. Well for Kevin it was almost true as well. His father wasn't always hurting him, his mother wasn't always insane, and they weren't typically home anyway. But just being somewhere more familiar felt a whole lot better than being lost. 

Not to say Jamie's house wasn't comfortable, it was just pointless without community. Without Jamie, there was only emptiness and the thought of what could have been. 

Okay, maybe Kevin shouldn't be talking. His house was like needles in his brain. Everything was a little more expensive than the last thing, and a little bit bigger, and just a little too airy. 

Who knew being rich meant you'd have to live in the smallest of things? 

Because his house was filled with neon-colored bliss, but it wasn't homey in the least. Instead, it was painfully open and used more for style than for comfort. Meanwhile, Jamie lived in a sense of constant comfort, where the mind could travel to for so long it might lose itself if it stays forever. 

Kevin preferred there more than here. 

But he found himself back inside hell for a reason he can't even remember and for some reason he stayed. 

He sighed and walked to the kitchen, finding a can of something in the fridge and opened it, turning back upstairs. Mindlessly, he found himself back to his room lying down randomly on old red sheets. He starred at the ceiling intently, trying to find another purpose. Until he did. He realized the only reason he felt compelled to come back here was Jamie's mention of abuse. 

Maybe for a while there his anger was actually resonating inside him. Just sitting like oil on the water of his being. And they were burbling together, folding in and out of each other, he felt like a rag doll to the waves, however, they could never quite become one in the same. Of course, it always had to control him. 

Many people thought of anger as some hot firey coals you can only step over and around. But truly it was more like ocean waves, sometimes a river. It sits inside you, waiting for more just so it can overflow. And other times, like now, it just stays inside and doesn't leave. You don't let the floodgates open, so instead, the once smooth waves become violent and painful storms, attempting to break free of the chains you used and held so desperately onto. Until then, it keeps itself rumbling down in the pit of your heart. Like relief couldn't be enough because your open mouth would bring it so soon. 

Kevin punched the wall next to him so hard the walls shook and he almost left a dent. 

He promised himself he wouldn't become his father. He wouldn't do the same things to Jamie like society might expect. Kevin wasn't trying to harm people, he just did. He wasn't very aware of their feelings because he was so trapped in his own. And he would tell you all the people he pissed off with invasion were just hopes he could release small bits of his madness out on. Their reactions gave him a little more reason to keep going. 

God, if anything he was more emotionally abusive than physical. 

He screamed into the mattress after turning around to face it. This certainly wasn't the best way to start his day. And all this pent-up bullshit inside him was only giving him more reason to hate himself. 

Yes. To hate himself. 

The more agony frustration gave him, the more he started to feel closer to what his father was. The more his fate was closing in on the same thing. Jamie suggested that Kevin might actually physically harm him. As if society would see it that way as if that was all Kevin could be good for. 

Some sort of dog whispering to itself "destroy, desolate, consume, destroy, desolate, consume." He was always the bad guy. Always the one no one in society could trust because he had feelings. Like they were just all too cool to feel, too busy putting masks on to pretend like reality was fine when really it wasn't. 

Kevin dedicated his life to showing people what there could be. Not by destroying them. Instead, the only credit he got was being some asshole who is basically invisible and not even worth it to his goDDAMN BOYFRIEND so easily seen as worthless! This whole thing was just a mess. Kevin was a mess. And he was just making it worse for everyone else. Because really Jamie could be happy with someone who wasn't so confusing and fucked up, and no one else even gave a shit for his existence.  There was no reason for him, no point. Ther- 

Fuck... 

Suddenly, the storm around him abruptly closed, like a gunshot to his head. In the midst of all these thoughts, he remembered one exact one and groaned out feeling his heart drop inside of his chest. 

Referring to Jamie as his boyfriend? Jesus everything was falling apart. He hadn't referred to anyone with such severe labels since Sabina. Even saying those words made the shattered pieces in his mind and heart look so vast he couldn't even touch them. 

How did he get so lost? 

So lost that in these oceans of complete desolation he couldn't even see his legs beneath him. He just knew they were cold and empty, falling apart with no way to salvage them from the numbness of the ocean they were. 

Spilling over and over again. 

What kind of future leaves you completely before it even starts?

******

Today wasn't the hardest day, just another one in the vast supply of days he would have ahead of him. Today just wasn't anything special. And the least special thing was coming home, where silence continued. 

Silence... Something humanity decided to fear because they worried too much of what they were supposed to be. And maybe Jamie feared the silence as well, but only because this silence wasn't hopeful. It was just empty.

Like the emptiness, he left that fateful day on the beach. Heaven knows what inspired him to let a stranger into his house. The constant need for survival with a humane need to have companionship. The shell of which his home had become when two people weren't living in it. Maybe he forgot what it felt like to know loneliness was just around the corner. 

It's weird because typically he was either greeted by Kevin at the door or had knowledge of his presence coming back soon. However, today was just emptiness. Meaning Kevin would have gone somewhere without the mind to tell Jamie. 

This thought only made Jamie's nerves grow farther. Kevin could be dead and he wouldn't know. He could be losing his mind away somewhere. Why wouldn't he at least text? Didn't he know how Jamie felt about abandonment? Hadn't they talked about this? Jamie thought they were actually doing okay like everything would just come back to normal, easy. 

But what if he did something wrong?

Maybe it was just a Kevin thing to randomly drop off the face of the universe and come back when you think you're helpless? That is such a Kevin thing to do... 

Jamie hoped at least. 

Yet instead of dwell on the oh so haunting thoughts, Jamie stripped from his uniform and the red turtleneck. He was right, it did get too hot. So the best way he knew to cool off was, of course, a shower. 

Good news is that only one person really noticed the half bruise on his neck. 

Well, two people. 

Nanefua stared him down for a few moments and he could only think to say goodbye and run down to the next house. And at Steven's household guess who he ran into? Garnet. 

Steven, as always, ordered some weird package and was waiting outside. Jamie gained the guts to come back to their house after Garnet explained her situation, but things were still awkward between them. Anyway, Steven seemed really happy to see him, which was nice, and as he was signing for the package Garnet came up behind him and said something about Pearl and Amethyst, Steven sighed but smiled still, and finished signing. He said his partings and left inside, but Garnet didn't follow. Instead, she smiled down at Jamie and gave him somewhat of knowing look as she pushed up her visor, then wished him good luck and turned away. 

She was so damn cool in his opinion. Smooth and understanding, but she didn't want him. And he supposed that was okay. It gave him and Kevin reason to be closer. 

Jesus, it's been at least a month, he would be crazy to still feel horrible about that rejection. 

Actually, he still didn't tell Kevin about all of the rejection in his life in Kansas. He mentioned going there and coming back for some reason he can't remember. But they aren't wrong when they say Beach City is forever. It's the kind of place that sucks you back into its grip even when you leave. Maybe life was made to be that way. And at the moment he didn't really care. 

Or at least he hadn't had reason to. For a while, it was all he could think about. He met Kevin right after coming back, his anxiety higher than usual, and then received a purpose almost. 

But now he's gone. 

Just gone. With no goodbye or saying I'll be home in x number of hours. What did he really expect from Kevin though? 

Maybe just a little more. 

But maybe he didn't deserve more. After all, he couldn't even control himself and remember to stay loyal or say the correct things. He basically damaged Kevin's heart and then his thought process. And in some sick way maybe he was supposed to be happy he had that power. But instead, there was no feeling of control, just the loss of it. Like loneliness corroding him again. 

Abandonment... 

Being left so alone that all he could fight for was the possibility of some new bliss he didn't have and could never understand. Because no one cared. And he just messed everything up. He didn't deserve anything or anyone. Maybe it was the curse of having such a big heart, it couldn't just dedicate itself to one sole entity. It craved love from all. 

That wasn't a pleasant image. 

He shivered in the hot water falling over his skin. Jamie would rather still just be allowed to love Kevin. Falling out wasn't exactly in his interest for the moment. And hope would have it this last event seemed to bring them closer... In a way at least. Jamie understood a little more about Kevin now. And he realized he didn't know much about Kevin in the end. How weird. You could be around someone for so long and if they don't talk you still have no clue who they are. What they've done for so many years and how they choose to live. 

How can anyone live without communication? 

Maybe he'd ask Kevin one day. 

With that reality seemed to flood right back into Jamie's head. 

Kevin wasn't home. Jamie didn't know if Kevin would be home. Ever. 

In fact, he had no clue if he just completely lost the person he loved. This thought pushed his heart down and deep into the pit of darkness, yet also choked him and filled his being with fear.

 His adrenaline seemed to race out of him, lighting his mind on fire. It pulled his limbs to their own mind, wearing them out before he could even move. 

Kevin just... Left. Came, and went away. 

And in attempts to turn the shower off his hand slipped underneath his body, turning the water a painfully stinging hot rush, and his feet slipped painfully far down. Forcing his head to crack against the metal spout. Breathing in sharply, Jamie let himself fall into pain. The world felt as if it were pressing down on him. Causing his mind to lose itself. In a way, it left and came back. He didn't feel the need to stand up, dry off, cool down. To be rid of the painful heat rush coming across him. Instead, he felt like crying, letting all that emotion flow out of him but never truly being extinguished. Why was he even feeling this way? What was the point of all this pain anyway? 

He shivered in it. As if heat couldn't break through a layer of painful sadness. But not even sadness, more like this fire in his heart was too strong. Like being pulled apart. 

Jamie tried to breathe. But with each intake of breath, there was more adrenaline and another rush of heat to his head. scalding water poured into his mouth and throat occasionally, making him cough through tears that threaten to come. 

But these tears don't choke him. Instead, it's like a river through his mind. Needing somewhere to go so it pours through his eyes. And he wanted to let it go as well, but he had no clue what reason this could be for. As if crying was just some defense against the fire blooming inside of him. His whole body ached and needed for movement, but his mind only wanted to pull closer. Cringing in the heat his breath became labored and his mind was all out of reason. 

The only thing he had on his mind was Kevin. 

And then he blacked out.