******

When Jamie woke up he felt the slow coming of reality and a dip in the bed near his feet. He looked up and saw Kevin reading one of his many books. He sat up quickly shit he totally thought that was a dream. But Kevin moved and looked back at him, his eyes were dark and exhausted as if he didn't sleep. 

"Good morning" Kevin said in a manor Jamie was not expecting to wake up to, but the company felt.... good where he was normally alone. 

"What time is it?" He groaned and sat up getting out of bed and stretching. 

"about ten" Kevin shrugged and looked up at Jamie, Jamie's reality quickly came back to him and is heart flipped, melted and also died. fuck he was going to be late for work. He instantly ran to his closet and pulled out his mail uniform, running to the bathroom to put it on. 

"Woah woah woah" He heard called after him.

"What, I'm going to be late!" 

"Work....?" 

"What do you not have a job?" He tried to yell over a tooth brush

"Uh... No" 

"Really..." He walked out of the bathroom and stared at Kevin, light filtered through a window and made Kevin a dark silhouette against it. He was slightly taller than Jamie so he looked more composed, but still slouched in the darkness. "Well... I uh realize you and I don't really know each other, so..."

"Shhh" Kevin looked into Jamie's eyes intensely "It's alright baby I can leave."

What the hell? Jamie was very confused. What did Kevin just call him? What the hell happened last night? Kevin turned on his heel and started for the door, Jamie was stuck in to the floor and couldn't move. When the door shut behind Jamie he was put into action. He grabbed his keys and breathed out, feeling the new emptiness of the hell around him. He didn't realize how nice it was to have another presence near him. He paused by the door, not truly understanding what was happening. But he quickly opened the door and remembered work had already started so much earlier. People would be pissed. He ran to the post office and saw Barb working the desk, he was about to apologize before Barb silenced him with look. Not anything scary or disheartening, but a worried look. Something a mother would show her children if they depressed her with actions. Then it occurred to Jamie, that's exactly what he did. He opened his mouth but Barb started talking first.

"You know Jamie, I've been worried about you for a while" oh god she sounded just like a disappointed mother. It was really fucking scary, hearing those words from Barb. Because those same words have been the theme of his life since his anxiety started. "You've been acting off lately.."

"Nope! Everything fine! Don't worry I'm great!" Jamie flashed her a winning smile and walked out of the post office with his mailbag and a package for Steven. She called after him something he couldn't hear, he hoped it worked. A life time of acting supplied very good skills on lying. Probably something he should be worried about. But he went on with his deliveries none-the-less, waking with emptiness around him and a head of pain. 

~~~~~~~~~

Now you can't blame Kevin for leaving, honestly it's all he thought about for the rest of the day. He was tired as fuck but just couldn't sleep. And he was struggling not to scream with all the pent-up anger from yesterday. There was always anger inside Kevin, it was something he couldn't escape. He felt bad about letting Jamie go to work, it was obvious the boy had something go on in his head. Something dark he doesn't really understand. And even if Kevin wanted to be there for him they had just met. Jamie wasn't going to trust this complete socially inept stranger. Because once a spark of hate crossed Kevin's mind, Jamie would be sent running. He needed to control his anger, steer away from what an illness and horrible parents can cause someone. He was surprisingly self aware for someone with his attitude. And he understood things about people, things they sometimes couldn't know about themselves. But he seemed like an airhead. His past had taught him otherwise, taught him how to know things. 

He was positive he would never see Jamie again. Maybe it could be just a drunken dream? something that really didn't need to matter. But no, Jamie was more than that. Even if he didn't know the boy, he felt a connection towards him, something he wanted to explore. 

Fuck he was in deep again. 

This happened before, when he was obsessed and thinking deeply about another person with deep emotional connections to reality. He was going to be severely hurt again or his reality would fall apart. Either way it was better to not get too close to Jamie. He would distance himself, it's only been a day. Jamie would forget about him, easy and simple. Yeah, that was easy. He decided to stay in that day and sleep in the comfortable darkness of his empty home. His parents wouldn't be there so he decided the couch was a colder, more fitting placement for himself. He lied down and breathed quietly for a few minutes, trying to fall into nothingness. And eventually it worked, and he was gone again. But that didn't start his mind from failing on him, dreaming of hell. Life was nothing less. 

he awoke with a start and shot up on the couch, looking around. He grunted and felt the demons surge through him, anger, madness, death. No, he couldn't deal with this cold darkness once again, he needed the light, even if his exhaust couldn't be quenched. Maybe the beach would be a better place to rest? Outside on the driveway? Anywhere his thoughts couldn't destroy him. He stood and went to the nearest mirror, staring at his bed head and disheveled clothing. Now it would be best to change and take a shower, but instead he sighed and left his house without a second thought. He was so done today, and would probably just walk around the block until his mind was slowed. 

But one trip around the block turned into another, then a brainless walk towards the center of the miserable city he lived in. Everything was blurring together.

*******

It had been a long day, and Jamie was really just ready to die. He just finished work at the post office when he saw a familiar face from the corner of his eye. Pacing the boardwalk he noticed Kevin from that morning whispering to himself and snapping. Jamie's heart rate increased and he cursed himself for being so over dramatic. With the theater side of himself came the overloaded anxiety of failure and hate. Kevin didn't seem to be in the best place at the moment, so he pondered what to say and if he should say anything in the first place. He started overthinking possibilities making his heart beat faster and his breath shallow. He tried to swallow it down but it wouldn't work. Suddenly, something inside him rolled his eyes and forced him to walk forward, anxiety still ruling his body. Kevin didn't look up even after Jamie had started saying something. He didn't entirely know what he was saying, just that it sounded nice. 

Kevin looked up at him with pain he quickly covered up, but not soon enough for Jamie to ignore it. Instead of mentioning it, he decided to smile and look into Kevin's eyes, trying again to be nice. But Kevin still frowned and made an effort to perk his lips upwards, yet failed and grunted. 

"Sooo... What are you doing out here again? I thought you had a home" Jamie joked and chuckled a little with it. To which Kevin's lips tugged upwards a bit more. 

"I do, just a little too claustrophobic, I'm glad I left though. Maybe I was hopeful to see a special someone." Kevin smirked winking and Jamie blushed, looking away. He felt some sort of bliss at being enjoyed. They had only just met, but Jamie was already looking forward to a hopeful future as friends. He didn't want raised hopes though. If they got too high he would probably die again from hurt. He had so much in his heart to give, and he would share it with anyone willing to be his friend. 

"Well.. I uh... umm." shit his confidence just left him completely. He smiled awkwardly and felt heat swarm into his cheeks once again. He was so uncool! Kevin made his bones reek with nerves and his heart go into overdrive, more than the usual person. He tried to turn this around, speak say something interesting, cool. Kevin laughed suddenly and Jamie's attention snapped back to him. "What?" He asked impatiently, tapping his foot on the boardwalk. 

"Sorry... You're just so... adorable" Kevin smirked looking Jamie up and down, who blushed harder in response. Kevin was not helping him look or feel any more calm than before, he couldn't talk, and instead closed himself off and laughed, scratching his neck. He looked up at Kevin and noticed his messed up head and clothing.

"Whoa, what uh happened?" Jamie questioned concern dripping from his voice. Kevin looked down, his attention receding back inside himself. Jamie felt the need to reach out and touch him, but seeing his lack of confidence made his own anxiety rage upwards. He tried stuttering something out, but shut himself up as Kevin looked up again, smiling. He started laughing randomly, dragging a hand through his hair and dryly letting the laughter come back inside himself. 

"Rough afternoon" He put simply and straightened his posture. Jamie stared at him unbelievably. Kevin's confidence was almost infectious, but also sickening. It was as if he wanted to be around Kevin to feel it, but if he got too close he was sure it would come over him in waves and suck everything he knew away from him. And some of him needed to only know Kevin, to be close and have no distractions. There was no way out. 

"Alright.." He replied hesitantly, watching Kevin closely. "I'm uh... Do you mind if I go home to change? It's been a long day.." 

"yeah yeah, that's fine. But do you mind if I follow?" Kevin smirked again with his suggestive tone. Jamie suppressed a yelp but his body almost longed to be closer to Kevin's again. He nodded and started off towards his apartment, Kevin followed closely. Jamie was overwhelmed with the need to talk again, having someone to listen was interesting. He never did have someone like Kevin, who could talk about himself so much by not even opening his mouth, and listen by a glance. He decided to fill the silence with his idea's for the town. Kevin nodded but it was obvious he didn't like the topic for some reason. Jamie would ask about that later, but as of now he pulled out his keys and unlocked his apartments door. He walked inside with relief from the tension outside. He turned around, noticing Kevin leaning on the door way. He awkwardly allowed him inside and told him it might take a while. Kevin migrated to the couch as Jamie watched him slightly noticing hos much more comfortable Kevin seemed in his house compared to outside. The small space didn't fit Kevin's aesthetic, but he didn't say anything. And Jamie commenced his normal after work routine. Showering and choosing what he thought was a flattering pair of black jeans and a red turtle neck. He stared at himself for a while before remembering he had company. He walked back into the living room to Kevin who was in the same position as before. This time staring needles into the wall beyond him. 

Jamie watched him from the corner trying to get his attention. But to no avail, then tried saying his name quietly, not disrupting the peace too much. Yet again it was said in vein. His voice would probably not be enough with the insane amount of attention on the wall. Again, Jamie was an outsider watching something he could never be apart of, something only Kevin could understand. But instead he longed to apart of it, and stepped closer to him. He moved in front of Kevin so he would be staring at him, and sat on the coffee table across from him, staring intensely into the other mans eyes. He smiled and leaned forward whispering Kevin's name again. Kevin still looked back to him with no emotion, it was obvious in his eyes that there was something urging him to move, to feel, to understand. Jamie was slowly losing hope as he watched Kevin struggling. But somehow there was something endearing about this, a mysterious vibe. But he knew he should be worrying, wondering what was going on in Kevin's head. 

~~~~~~~~

Being alone is scary, but it is also a needed aspect of society, of the mind. And if for hours you experience this loneliness it should affect you slightly. But not to an extent that would cause mentality to fall off it's own neck. There is no way out. When your eyes stop working and your head stops thinking it is impossible to come back. But it isn't darkness, you can see the same life and watch as someone falls onto you and back out. Their face covered in concern and your mind fading away, with the same hope you lost in fate. But soon you realize who it is, the sound of their voice quietly coming towards you. And their own hope seeping into you, where you are supposed to be the one who people look to, so you shut down. Now their next to you, touching you, hugging you. And your feelings are there, coming back. They flourish towards your throat when you realize this is real, and you are in the unknown. Then you tear your vision away from the normal and you look towards the sensation and smile. Noticing the person who once sat in the line of darkness, the one you want to protect and allow the other to feel. Suddenly your pushing back to reality out of your head and into the moment. You realize the warmth emitted from the hopeless person next to you. And you sling an arm around them holding them closer, reassuring them you are fine and well. Then you're listening again, as the other mentions how scared they are. How they didn't understand what was happening to you because you aren't active again and they are not sensitive but they feel so much because worry is amplified by what you know, but they will never understand. And you smile, a warm genuine smile. It feels good to be here, right and perfect. You feel at peace. Because hell is over and you can feel. Maybe feeling has never been your best bet, it could end you. But today you don't care, you want to feel. The presence of another voice and person is welcoming. Something new, you no longer have to be alone. Now you're standing, walking towards the door and it is light out, but the presence hasn't left and your voice can do anything. Confidence is returning. Life is okay.